seeking_brilliance

were these trip reports of actualizers, or random people off the internet who probably did not research the drug or setting before dosing? Just curious. I couldn't imagine (and don't want to) being in a spot where I think I'm in the worst pain/resistance possible only to be proven wrong time and time again. I'd be like... nope... I'm out. But of course at that point you can't really back out. Too bad they don't have some kind of anti-psychedelic for the bad trips huh.

@kieranperez yeah.... most of the bible is but you have to read it with the right contextualization. Try googling for websites or blogs that delve into the allegorical interpretation of the bible, instead of the literal, which is what most religions are trapped in.

Hello all. This is something I have been doing on all the different Facebook forums I'm a member of. The youtube channel started as a way of sharing my love of this nature park in my backyard with those who can't see it for themselves. Now I'm opening voting for anyone interested on here and on youtube. So choose my next path: left or right? I'm very interested to hear everyone's votes. Thank you!

Looking for some clarification or redirection here.... This is copied and pasted from my recent journal entry. The topic was actually about the interpretation of life, but went in a surprising direction. I withhold judgement for now as to accept any of this as true, but would like some thoughts -------------—------------------—-------------—-------- Let's see what the dictionary says about interpretation. The action of explaining the meaning of something. An explanation or way of explaining. A stylistic representation of a creative work or dramatic role. The first one sticks out to me. Action of explaining the meaning of something. Everything I do is an action. If there were no more actions, there would be no more I. Will the I return When the actions resume? Would it be the same I? Probably not, for multiple reasons. Let's say that the no-I profoundly changes me. When actions resume, a profoundly changed me is not the "I" from before the experience. (sidenote: I wanted to write non-experience, but I don't know if the experience ends when there is no more me (when the I ends)). The old me sacrifices and gives birth to the new I. Sometimes the new I could be better, perhaps sometimes not. But this happens whether we choose to or not. This happens every night when we lay to sleep. The 'I' you think you are dies, and is reborn like a phoenix rising from the ashes, upon awakening. Now this new 'I' may be only so so subtley different that we mistake it for the one who we were yesterday. This reinforces a sense of identity and is likely a survival Instinct perpetuated by ego. To wake up to a new self everyday is too overwhelming for ego, which prefers stability and consistency. In fact it's begun to rely on those two conditions and has formed an unhealthy dependency on them through many cycles of evolution, both the micro and the macro. Every new self we embody, whether we realize it as a new self or not, tends to be an interpretation of the one who passed away in the night. It can be interpreted at different levels of intensity, but ultimately will be a mere interpretation based on the Matrix of variables listed above(these variables occluded choas, cosmic order, experiences, faulty memory, social conditions, etc.) . Is this Matrix the ego? Or does the ego only access it? The ego ultimately does not exist, yet at the same time it seems to think it is running the show. Here I go treating it as an entity though. Perhaps that does add fuel to the flame. But what's even more mind-blowing is that the rebirth cycle of self doesn't only happen after sleeping, but ultimately happens every second, perhaps even down to the nanosecond, of continual ever-evolving rebirth of self, the I. Each one an interpretation of the last. Perhaps in this way, it can be explained how there is no I, because it cannot be pinned down, even to the nanosecond.

10-7-18 Life is an interpretation. This isn't particularly something I know to be true, but more of an Insight from last night that I want to explore. In my own words, I suppose it means that the entirety of one's life, including everything one does or doesn't do, is a direct interpretation of what is expected of us to do. Whether or not there is anything expected, we tend to believe there is, and act accordingly. We interpret how to express these actions based on rather random variables: such as memory, experiences, fear level, time of day, energy level, social conditioning, self conditioning, Etc. All of these variables match the consciousness of the individual making the choice. But I'm still stuck on what are we interpreting? Last night I said truth as a possible answer. But then again, I can't even come to a satisfying definition of truth. But even if that were "true," it doesn't mean that it could be all we are interpreting. When I read a book, or listen to an audiobook, I interpret what the author is saying and imagine the story based on many of my unique individual presets. For imagining the male lead, for instance, I may mentally insert one of the males I had a crush on in college. Or if the main character is younger, someone I went to school with. Most likely one I had a crush on back then, and all of that only for the sake of having a nice looking character in my mind movie. For whatever reason, I prefer handsome lead male - sue me. And the style of clothes he wears or facial expressions he makes, will be a synchronized cooperation between the author's description and my own biased presets. Therefore, my mind movie of imagining scenes from Harry Potter may be vastly different than Jim Bob's down the street. And in some ways it might be somewhat similar, with the added benefit of having the movies to give us a point of reference for the imagination to use as visuals. But even though they have increased chances of some scenes being similar, they still would both be is vastly different as people can be as individuals. Due to some random-based generator which spat out the details of our lives. And this is my rough definition of interpretation. So of course, this can be applied to "real life" as well. Every situation we encounter is filtered (instantly, but not always) through this Matrix or construct of our selfs. Whether or not there truly is a self doesn't matter. The way I interpret reality (different from my neighbors own interpretation, or my dog's) makes it real enough to care. Perhaps at one point I may interpret reality differently. In many ways I know I already do, from even a year ago now. Perhaps it is even this interpretation, if it were to be given a vessel, is the "I" I've been looking for. The "I" is the vessel for its own interpretations of reality. It becomes the Chicken and the Egg question, which came first, the I or the I's interpretation. Well I could be way off base here, so please someone straighten me out. This is all said without entertaining the notion that all of that said is based on assumptions. I don't know if Jim Bob actually does interpret reality differently than I do, I just assume he does based on his altered actions compared to mine. The only way to truly know would be to experience his mind for myself, and compare. But unfortunately I haven't found any way to do that! I don't even truly know if there is a Jim Bob down the street, or if I'm only imagining him. Currently, I see no reason why it couldn't be both. Who am I to say? It's all guesswork for me. Another assumption is that the "I" is anything substantial enough to be a container for anything, or if it is truly nothing, and has no power or will of its own. Regardless, my actions, thoughts, and experiences are interpretations of a unique Matrix of randomly-generated chaos, memory (which is faulty) , Cosmic order, social conditioning, self conditioning, energy level, diet, convictions and beliefs. Did I miss anything? What am I interpreting? I think it is clear that it is reality. It's like I'm in reality, but not, because I'm too busy interpreting it. Let's see what the dictionary says about interpretation. The action of explaining the meaning of something. An explanation or way of explaining. A stylistic representation of a creative work or dramatic role. The first one sticks out to me. Action of explaining the meaning of something. Everything I do is an action. If there were no more actions, there would be no more I. Will the I return When the actions resume? Would it be the same I? Probably not, for multiple reasons. Let's say that the no-I profoundly changes me. When actions resume, a profoundly changed me is not the "I" from before the experience. (sidenote: I wanted to write non-experience, but I don't know if the experience ends when there is no more me (when the I ends)). The old me sacrifices and gives birth to the new I. Sometimes the new I could be better, perhaps sometimes not. But this happens whether we choose to or not. This happens every night when we lay to sleep. The 'I' you think you are dies, and is reborn like a phoenix rising from the ashes, upon awakening. Now this new 'I' may be only so so subtley different that we mistake it for the one who we were yesterday. This reinforces a sense of identity and is likely a survival Instinct perpetuated by ego. To wake up to a new self everyday is too overwhelming for ego, which prefers stability and consistency. In fact it's begun to rely on those two conditions and formed an unhealthy dependency on them through many cycles of evolution, through the micro and the macro. Every new self we embody, whether we realize it as a new self or not, tends to be an interpretation of the one who passed away in the night. It can be interpreted at different levels of intensity, but ultimately will be a mere interpretation based on the Matrix of variables listed above. Is this Matrix the ego? Or does the ego only access it? The ego ultimately does not exist, yet at the same time it seems to think it is running the show. Here I go treating it as an entity though. Perhaps that does add fuel to the flame. But what's even more mind-blowing is that the rebirth cycle of self doesn't only happen after sleeping, but ultimately happens every second, perhaps even down to the nanosecond, of continual ever-evolving rebirth of self, the I. Each one an interpretation of the last. Perhaps in this way, it can be explained how there is no I, because it cannot be pinned down, even to the nanosecond. And that it is only an interpretation of reality/truth/existence. And being an interpretation it is both reality and non reality. Truth and non truth. Existence and non-existence.

@Shin the idea of training oneself to be in a constant or near constant state of inquiry is really intriguing. Thank you for being the guinea pig

Sounds like reality check reminders for lucid dreaming but with self inquiry added. Interesting. I would probably only set mine to once an hour or every two hours especially if at work

It occurs to me that the process of spiritual autolysis is to find what is true. But I don't even know what truth is! So let's dive into that. What is truth? Any rational mind you may ask would say "well, it's the opposite of false." but what is false? It just kind of keeps going round and round but no good answers. Let's see what the dictionary says: That which is true in accordance with fact or reality. A fact or belief that is accepted as true. The quality or state of being true. Okay... Well those aren't very satisfying. "A fact or belief that is accepted as true." What? What's a fact? Or a belief? Two more things that I need to explore. Interesting that it mentions belief, since I have a feeling that's like 99.99% of the universe... Whatever that is. Or reality. Or me, whatever you want to call it. What would be left if all the beliefs were stripped away? Is it even possible to find out? Or would everything collapse in upon itself? I dunno! What is a belief? I will not dive into this now, but may be a future topic soon. However, it is interesting to find it among the definitions of Truth. What is a fact? The definition I can think of is something that can be proven, or verified. Let's see what the dictionary says: A thing that is indisputably the case. "The most commonly known fact about hedgehogs is that they have fleas" - lol, okay... Used in discussing the significance of something that is the case. " the real problem facing them is the fact that their funds are being cut." The truth about events as opposed to interpretation. Only the last one seemed satisfying to me as a description of truth. But hang on, how is there any way to take facts as truth? The majority of" facts" I "know" are second hand. The only way to know a fact is to directly experience it. I can't know if a so-called fact from any other is truly verifiable. Unless I experience it for myself. And yes there are some outright liars. But even the ones that genuinely want to share a true fact, probably never experienced it for themselves. So now it's third hand. Or fourth? Tenth? Who the fuck knows? It's crazy how much we rely on assumptions and hearsay. This includes facts like: The Earth is round.... the sun is a boiling star made of gas..... There are tiny cells perpetuating this body. At least the latter is somewhat easy to experience for myself with the help of a microscope. I could see my own cells, sure, but I still wouldn't really know what the hell they are, or what they do. I would still be working on assumptions. What is truth? I don't have a clue! It doesn't seem very easy to define, for being a word that is mostly taken for granted. In case I should look instead for the definition of "true" : In accordance with fact or reality. (there's that one again) Accurate or exact. Still not very satisfying. Facts, I'm determining, are "truths" (ugh) of things I can directly verify (although to break that one down, it's still undetermined if I can truly verify anything...) Reality -- ha. Should I even touch this one? But if reality is essentially me, then it's sayable that I am truth. And truth is me. Truth is reality, and reality is truth. Everything. It would encapsulate everything. Even things that can't be verified by direct experience, because they are a part of a reality. I Will hold off on this for now in case I'm misinterpreting the meaning of reality in this definition. And for the fact that I still don't even know what the hell reality is. Okay what is truth? The answer. The swing. The trombone. The call. The Sword. The pocket. The time. ( was letting the words come to me..... to interpret them I would say that truth is the small things as well as the big.) Interpretation. That was in the definition I liked about facts. "the truth about events as opposed to interpretation" Everything is an interpretation! So how could truth be everything if it is the opposite of interpretation? Or is it both? Something to ponder. What is interpretation? I consider interpretation to be a reassimilation of ideas and events tailored to each individual's matrix of psychology and beliefs..... And it seems that perhaps everything anyone does or says is an interpretation. As if the very act of doing anything, literally anything, is an interpretation of something. What, I don't know yet, but something. Perhaps truth itself. And truth encapsulates truth itself, the Interpreter, and the interpretation. Therefore truth can literally be everything. Perhaps the question "what is truth" is invalid, because the the truer question is, what isn't truth? But at the same time, what is it? Is it everything? Is it anything at all? Just an idea? a belief? We speak of it as a thing - but what thing? Can I hold it in my hand? Truth is everything that is, and is not. It is the rock, and the angel. The smoke and the clouds. Man I really want to go into interpretation and especially everything I do is an interpretation. And I have a hunch that I am interpreting truth. And emulating it. The only way I know how. Due to a completely unique set of neural networks which were seeds planted by this body's experiences, society, and beleifs. And that's all I can do (if there is an I to do anything) : interpret and emulate truth. My way. The only way I know how. And it is impossible for me to do anything that isn't truth. Even if I dont exist anyway. Even if everything is an illusion. An illusion of truth is both non- truth and truth. I don't know. Not convinced. It seems nice to say that truth encapsulates all, including non-truths, but that does not feel verified. Perhaps even verifiable. We'll see. So, so far the verdict is: I still honestly don't understand what truth is. It could be everything or it could just be an idea, or.... I don't really know. Whatever, I can live with that for now. I have given myself a lot to ponder.

@MM1988 my bad, I don't have the book list but it's the only book on shadow work that I know of.....

10-5-18 Not sure if this qualifies as autolysis, but it felt good to get it out. ------—---------—-----------—-----------—-------- I have a fear of confrontation. This is one of my main biggest fears. It runs deep. All week I have been trying to figure out where it stems from, but only in my head. We'll see how far I can get tonight. From what I can find, it comes from a very heavy bullying beginning in Middle School. From kindergarten to 5th grade, I was a very Carefree, happy kid. Outgoing, had friends, liked school. Fucking puberty. It fucks up everything. I don't remember exactly what happened that triggered the bullying, but it coincides with the same year I started puberty. And along with weird looking hairs growing in places that never had before, puberty also came neatly packaged with super- sensitive self-awareness. It took me the next 20 years to realize that this was the seed that was planted, which grew into the ugliest thing plaguing the entire world: anxiety. Anxiety sucks. My mom has it. My brother has it. His daughter has it. My husband. His mom, sister, and dad has it. Every single one of my employees, and the few that had been replaced have had it. I despise this ailment, and I'm fucking surrounded by it! Like, what the hell? I have fantasized that maybe it happened that way, organized by the universe itself (or whatever) just so I could realize it for myself. But who knows? Either way, living around all of this really opened my eyes to the evil monster who has plauged a very large portion of my life. Either obnoxiously buzzing in the background, or blaring it's erroneous ass out loud for everyone to hear and see. Anxiety fucking sucks. I don't exactly know it's relation to my fear of confrontation, but I experience my fear of confrontation through the feeling of anxiety. At some point I went to delve into what is anxiety : a feeling? Emotion? Problem is I don't even know what feelings and emotions are! Back on track. I have a fear of Confrontation. So far I blame it on puberty and bullying. Right now I will delve into bullying, and not concern myself with if this fear goes deeper, or was planted much earlier on. When did The Bullying start? I had a very traumatic experience in 5th grade when a new kid moved to town. This memory is pretty fuzzy, but at some point this new kid became friends with my best friend since kindergarten, Scott. One day, upon arriving to school, I made our way over to our usual hangout spot where we wait until the first bell rings. Before getting there, this new kid, Matthew, stops me and sternly tells me that I can't go any further and I'm not to come around my group of friends anymore. I had been pretty close to this group since about first grade, spending every recess together all of those years, typically two or three reccesses a day, I believe. Scott had been over for many a birthday party, and I to his. I wasn't as close to the other guys (and occasional girl) in the group, but as I said we played with each other every single school day on the playground for years. This new kid changed my life. If you would have asked me back then, I'd even say he ruined my life. I dunno, but it was definitely changed from that.... whatever it was. Bullshit, for sure. So after being excommunicated from the only friends I'd ever had, I had a bit of a void to fill. I joined band and choir. I loved singing in church, as I was raised to do so since I was practically born, so choir seemed a no-brainer. I also had an interest in music, as my mom had taught me to play piano since early childhood, (mostly church hymns of course) so band interested me as well. Ha. If only I knew I was making another life altering choice. This is what really started the bullying. I was such a bright and cheerful kid. I loved singing in church. I miss it to this day. I sang and acted in two school plays in 3rd and 4th grade. No fear, no humility. Just a sunshine loving kid. That's not to say I wasn't a little shy, I was. Even though I loved singing in church - because I was a good little Christian and loved God and Jesus and was taught that God loves for us to sing to him-- I did get sometimes shy and nervous and question myself now and then, as any child does. But comparing this shyness and self-awareness to post - bullying is like comparing an ant to an elephant. I think childhood shyness is a different matter than fear-based anxiety. But who knows? Maybe it's not. Okay back on track. I have a fear of confrontation. Possibly stems from bullying. My first true bullying experience came from the excommunication of my group of friends possibly orchestrated by the new kid, and turned into a class wide bullying after joining band and choir. Oh, and a crush I had on a pretty, somewhat popular girl. I'll start with choir. 6th grade. Puberty rearing it's awkward head. But my entire life, it had been very natural for me to sing soprano. Although I had taught myself to harmonize and sing the alto parts, I had always loved singing soprano. It was natural. You get to sing the melody. The other parts like alto sounded pretty, but weren't as fun or interesting as the melody. However, apparently in a small school, in the backwards-ass small town in Arkansas, being the only boy singing soprano in 6th grade choir was not a great idea. Who knew? Who knew that all the boys should have only sung baritone? They wouldn't even be caught dead in the alto section, and here comes this girly freak who loves singing soprano and is also kind of a good at it. Good enough for the choir instructor to fawn over me, and sign me up for competitions. And the "manly" boys couldn't handle it. They were completely unable to process that someone could be different than their idea of what a 6th grade boy from fuck-where Arkansas should sing in choir. Soprano. Oh my God, the horror! So girly! So weird! And the ringleader of these fun times was none other than - new kid! Yep, Matthew, the one who moved to town and ruined/changed my life, perpetuated most of the bullying in the choir room, but didn't necessarily need to persuade the other boys to do so. What a wonderful little shit he was, huh. I have an unanswered friend request from him on Facebook. But it was my other mistake (was it?) which cemented my place as class loser. There was this girl named Amy. She was so pretty. Yes folks, good little christian Sam was not yet gay. I had such a crush on Amy. She was on my school bus route, so I was always sat nearby her when grouping the bus ride by age. She once told me I had the prettiest eyes in science class, where she was assigned to the seat in front of me, as seating with assigned alphabetically. Once she passed me a note with a "do you like me? Yes or no?" I don't remember which one I circled, but not long after that, there might have been a note in her backpack to meet me by the trash cans if she likes me, or whatever. Except I put it into the wrong backpack of another popular student and the whole grade found out. Now when I say the whole grade, there were only about a hundred of us. Middle School consisted of three grades of about 100 each. Everyone knew everyone. There were the usual clicks of course: the band nerds, the "cool" kids, the preppy kids, the football players, and soon after, the cheerleaders. The nerds-- who ironically, I wouldn't associate myself with. Partly because they were annoying. I didn't belong in a single one of them. And that hurt. It stung hard. I became a shell of myself. Extremely shy, withdrawn, and untrusting to everyone who wasn't my family. To them I remained cheerful and carefree, though a bit guarded. Until the next big trauma, of course- being outed to my family. Back on topic, the popular kid showed my letter not only to Amy and her group, but also the other popular kids, which crossed over into the footballers, and who knows from there? The whole grade finding out was a bit dramatic. But it didn't matter. The right ones found out. My doom was imminent. They held off for a while though. Meanwhile I'm inviting her to sunrise service on Easter Sunday, through my "in" from the popular crowd, Anthony Sykes, who sparsely attended church my dad was pastoring. He pretended to be my friend, but thought it was funny enough to share with his friends and Amy herself, that I was inviting her to church or whatever. And that I had a crush on her. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure Amy was only toying with me the whole time. Never interested. It was fun. And now it was fun to make fun, along with everyone else that mattered. And it may seem small to anyone who might read this, but in that hell-hole school, once you're branded, you're branded. And that's the beginning of this reign of terror. How I started to get bullied and never fit in for the next 5 years. So what does this have to do with having a fear of Confrontation? Who or what fears? There were many confrontations spurned from the non stop bullying. Anywhere from downright open meanness to trying to be as coy as possible and do it behind my back. It's possible a lot of it was in my head, but there's no way to prove it now. My life was changed regardless. What do confrontations do to me? But first of all, confrontations aren't real things, so they technically can't do anything to me. I don't even know what a me is! However, the answer is that they alter my Consciousness. I can't think clearly. Memory is askew. My heart races. It feels like millions of microscopic electrocuting jellyfish in my stomach and chest. I find it hard to breathe. I hyperventilate while simultaneously trying to remedy the confrontation, if possible, through labored breathing and malfunctioning consciousness. This is my reaction at work, where I have no choice but to put myself through it. If it were to happen in public I don't know how I'd react. It's much more random, anywhere from being scared but very sorry, to wishing I could run away. I wouldn't though. I was raised not to do so. I may have had a dogmatic bible-thumping preacher for a father, but he was also very loving and raised me with morals. I'm feeling regret for barely talking to him. We talk on Facebook but I can't remember the last time I've heard his voice. I think he was in the hospital for surgery or something. But my fear of confrontation stops me. I let it. I don't want to confront things that have happened, even though he knows I'm gay and now married to a man, those words have never passed my lips to him. I won't face it. So it's easier to ignore him. Count him off as not important. It's just easier that way. And at the same time I feel huge regret. He didn't 100% deserve to practically lose one of his sons. He never disowned me. I disowned myself, out of fear. Fear of facing the truth, with him. I couldn't talk about it, so I don't. Since I can't tell him about 99% of my life, we don't have very much to talk about. I could let him in on some of it, like my depression Cycles, anxiety, fear of Confrontation and probably fear of coping. But he'd only tell me that it's because I'm living in sin. The devil has me and I will never feel whole again unless I renounce my lifestyle, repent, and come back to God. Even writing this brings energy buzzing sensation to my heart. As if part of me still believes him. I swear I don't, but something is still anchored to that dogmatic doctrine. It doesn't exist, Sam, stop it! It's not real. There is no God to come back to. You never went anywhere. There's nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. So nothing can be lost. Or found. But my dad thinks this way and I pity him. For how much heartbreak it brings. Fearing that your family members who have stopped going to church long ago might not be in heaven for eternity. Not understanding why they can't see how important it is. I Have a fear of Confrontation. Don't know if I got to the root of it, but I feel satisfied for now. The only other option would be what happened as a toddler or something to plant the seed? And I don't see how I can verify that. Possibly hypnosis or regression, but is that verifiable? Who the fuck knows. Oh well, signing off for now.

@luckieluuke I completely get what you are saying... It's very mysterious though, so hard to form any true opinions. Have you read any lucid dreaming books like the one by Robert Waggoner? The way he breaks down the different levels of consciousness within the dream is fascinating, even though each level is essentially the dreamer themselves, they are walled off and inaccessible to the dream self, through which you experience the dream.

@Telepresent perhaps good topic for autolysis. Thanks

@cetus56 well, I don't know! It gets confusing when you have a grasp of nonduality, but in the dream of smelling flowers, I still felt like "me". You would think in this looser reality the boundaries of self would dissolve or at least be more fluid, but we still maintain a self in dreams that is at least somewhat similar to the selfs we think we are. I have been other people in dreams before though, and have witnessed things through other dream character's eyes, so in a way I suppose the boundaries of "self" are a bit loose. I definitely won't assume that it was in any way "my" dream, but of course there's no easy way to explain it when it felt like me experiencing it and I felt like I had choice and what-not. Just like in this reality, whatever that is.

@Telepresent Yes! this is what I've been contemplating this week. Was almost going to start a thread on it. But I seriously don't know what they'd be... beside maybe mystical experiences one can have with meditation, yoga, etc. Seeing ghosts maybe... experiencing psychic phenomenon.... synchronicities (which happen to me by the butt-load)

@Shin I get what you are saying. I don't 100% believe its real. I've had too many "dream signs" to wake me up a bit. But its also so damn convincing. Probably if I have had a true awakening, I wouldn't be saying this right now. But right now I'm just like a zombie in the dream, with a few experiences to make me realize that I'm not a zombie, I'm a vampire! (hehe sorry, its a Jed Mckenna joke)

@Shin I'm not sure. Its different. Every time I check in this one, I still have 5 fingers on each hand, but in dreams I usually have 6 or 7 very strange looking fingers. I would love to become lucid in this one but I think its a different process. **edit*** of course, "I think" might be the problem

@cetus56 I know you weren't asking me, but I wanted to share this... the other morning I had a series of false awakenings, at least 10 in a row. Bam, right after another. And I was lucid in each one. And I remember remarking how lifelike everything looked, and at one point was out in my back yard smelling the flowers and couldn't believe how they smelled. There was also differences though, ranging from small to large, between these dream realities and the "waking" reality. But even when it was all over and I had gotten up for the day, I kept doing reality checks because I wasn't completely sure I had truly gotten out of bed, considering that most of the false awakenings started in bed. It was definitely a trip. Too bad the intensity of the experience has long worn off.

As a follow-up to my last Autolysis session, @Telepresent posed a question to help me dig deeper. The question was: what was I taught as a child about how to feel whole/complete as an adult? Do my adulthood experiences align with that? If not am I blaming myself, or was the roadmap I was given as child inaccurate? Wow, this is going to be a doozy. I hope I can dig deep. So what was I taught as a child? First of all, as being raised a preacher's kid, I was taught that a good man loves and fears God. That going to church twice on Sunday and every Wednesday night was expected by God. That a man should marry a woman and raise their children in a missionary baptist church, because of course it was the only denomination in all of Christianity, forget any other religion, that taught the true way to be saved and live for eternity in heaven with God and the angels. And man, I ate that shit up like candy. How could I not? I was raised believing this was the only way to God, and that anyone who didn't were likely miserable souls. Even though many of them are beautiful, and rich and have everything they could want, they don't have Jesus Christ in their heart so they are ultimately miserable inside. Like---what the fuck? And I believed that shit, like a good little christian. If I were to call today and let my family know how lost and in despair I feel, they would try to bring me back to Christ like the prodigal son. I'm the one that was led astray and they shed many tears over not knowing if I will be in heaven with them or not. I know they do this because I grew up watching them do this for family members and friends that were much less important to them than I. They fear and lament my probable eternity in hell. They feel shame for not being able to prevent my departure from what I knew as God. And on top of all this, I married a man! Man I really did a number on them, huh? I get the idea that when someone is enlightened, their worries and fears pass away, because they realize that there was never anything to be worried about. Likewise, I only wish I could show my family that this God they are worshiping is a sham. "His" rules about coming to church and gays not going to heaven have no meaning because everything is a sham! The "God" they are worshiping doesn't exist! If there was some way to just show them, all of their pain over my life choices would dissolve away. And my guilt of causing this pain to them would pass away. Now, I'm not necessarily saying that I blame myself for making these choices, because I realized long ago that I was never actually given a choice. I did not choose to be attracted to men. It happened. Imagine my surprise to hear much later that there's not even a such thing as choice! I'm still wrapping my head around that, but at least I know that I did not choose to be gay. In fact, who would choose, if a choice even presented itself. If there is no "I" , who chooses? Anyway, despite the fact that I don't necessarily blame myself (or do I?), I do feel shame and guilt because I know how much it hurts for them. Because I used to feel the same way for others. What was I taught to feel whole/complete? Marriage was a big part of this. Of course we considered it also to be okay to remain single, because the Apostle Paul did the same. But if I were to marry, there were holy guidelines to ensure a peaceful marriage and unity with God. A man and woman were to marry and raise their children ( if they choose to have any) in church and to ensure their children get saved and join everyone up in heaven. What a load of crap, by the way. Even though we despised cults, I was in one all along! If I could only make them see that they should be looking within, not up there in the sky--- but here I go trying to save them now. Perhaps it's best to let nature take its course and they can awaken when they're ready. I don't believe that we only get one shot. But then again, I don't know what the hell that even means! So anyways yeah my marriage obviously did not turn out as expected... Of course my brother did everything right. Married, became a preacher of God, had three wonderful children and is now a missionary to France-with the delusion that the people over there will listen and accept the same bullshit beliefs I was raised on. The previous missionary was there for 7 years and only had one convert... But of course my brother is the golden child and the entire family is so proud and happy that he dedicated his life to serving God, just like his father. It sounds like I'm jealous of him. On the surface, I don't think I am. In a way, I'm jealous because I would like to have had the "traditional family" . I'm aware that there's no such thing as the traditional family and only slightly long for it due to nostalgia for my belief system. I would also love to have children but have not chosen to adopt yet. I'm also a bit jealous, or at least sad, that they have such a good standing with my family and have nothing to hide. (having something to hide from my family would be a good future topic.) I fucking miss my family. We were raised very close. A bond that cannot be severed, but it is at best very strained. And the real kicker is that they actually want to connect with me! I'm the one who doesn't call! Why don't I call? Anxiety plays a huge role in this. What is feeding the anxiety? Guilt? Shame? Fear of confrontation? I'm getting a lot of good future topics tonight.... I do have a huge fear of confrontation. And trust me, I own my own business in the service industry and I'm lucky to avoid any confrontation in a single day! One of my worst goddamn fears! I really need to go into why do I have a fear of Confrontation. Because it's making my life miserable. It's obvious the roadmap I was given was inaccurate, considering it was built on lies and altruistic beliefs. And at the same time, I can't hate them. They were only doing what they believe is right. They don't know any better. Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

interesting, I will definitely have to dive into that... thank you!

More autolysis 10-1-18 I feel lost. What do I mean by this? To feel lost is to feel hopeless. Without direction. Cut off. Scared. I feel these things very fully, even though I also feel hopeful, guided, and courageous. I feel all of these things. What is feeling? Who or what feels? Does the ego feel, or does it only misdirect the one who does? Growing up as a preacher's kid, we had a much different idea of someone who was lost. This person needed God, which we of course had, in order to feel whole and complete, and also to escape eternity in the fiery pits of hell. What a laughable belief to hold, they are all laughable. But in a way, this Christian "lost" soul kind of sounds like how I feel now as an adult: confused, feeling incomplete. Who feels incomplete? It is a very egoic feeling. But do you blame it? I can't find reasons to blame it for doing anything. It is an artificial intelligence of my own making. And its starting to question itself. It's realness. It's authenticity. It's mortality. At this point in time I don't know who or what I am, if I am these egoic thoughts, or if they only influence my own. And are my thoughts my own? Is it possible for me to have thoughts? I don't even know what a me is! I think at this point I still don't understand what an ego is, what I am, Etc. The Ego is technically only supposed to be a survival tool the brain uses from a construct of memories and problem-solving. It technically is not considered to exist as an entity, yet I often speak of it as one or wonder if the "I" is it. But I have often heard that I am not the ego. So why do I keep questioning if I am it? Many times I also confuse the "I" as the Persona, Samuel. But this Persona is also an idea. A construct of memories and cultural expectations and circumstances. I have also pondered if this idea, the Persona known as Samuel, has become sentient and begun asking questions. Therefore, is this what I am? The sentient idea of Samuel? Seeking out validity of my own existence? Or does it only influence "my" thoughts, whatever those are supposed to be... Do I exist? Should I forget the notion that there is an I? Or do I search for the true "me"? I feel lost. If I am not Samuel, then who am I? If I'm not the ego, then who am i? Am I anything? Is there a such thing as I? How can the I be dropped? Everything I do perpetuates it. I have to be completely still and not do anything to drop the I? How is that useful? As a reminder? Something to carry with me throughout the day as a go about perpetuating myself? I feel lost. I don't always feel lost. Sometimes I understand what the next step is. Though it is easily forgotten. I say that I feel lost because I suppose I focus on the negative. A truer way to state it is "sometimes I feel lost." I do not always feel lost and to state it that way only perpetuates the idea that it may be true. And ideas are fucking powerful. Sometimes I feel lost. And sometimes I feel guided. Honestly I couldn't tell you which I feel more, but then again, who the hell feels? What are feelings? I think I mostly feel lost when I am panicking. The weight of everything crashing down in an anxiety - riddled tantrum. Perhaps it is not that I feel lost, but I have forgotten the way. Anxiety it is an excellent memory manipulator, where negative ones are bright and vivid and the good ones disappear into thin air. So I really can't trust the feeling of being lost anyway! Perhaps there is no such thing as feeling or being lost. Perhaps it never existed. Only an obscured memory of knowing and understanding. Perhaps it doesn't matter who can be lost, because there's no such thing as being or feeling lost to begin with.

Thanks to @Telepresent for their great example on how to go about doing autolysis. I have a feeling that it is something that will evolve for me over time. --------------------------------------------—------ 9-30-18 Autolysis : I live in reality. What a loaded statement. First I don't know what it means to live in anything. I say I live in this house, but the verdict is still out on what I am, much less if it is contained inside the body or not. I often hear on the forum that I would not be inside this house, I am the house. And I understand this to a degree because of my experiences with lucid dreaming. What are dreams? Who or what dreams? With dreaming I am well aware that I am not only the dream persona, but the other dream characters as well, and also the house and the chairs, and the coffee table. I don't fully comprehend it but I have direct experience of it. (Do I?) And then I hear on the forums that the same thing can be said about this so-called waking reality, that all is one. This reality feels so different than the dream one, that I am convinced it is the true reality. I haven't experienced any others than the previous two mentioned, and can't even fathom what another type would feel like. Therefore I claim this current one to be the one to believe in. To know is true. But I don't even know what reality is or if it could even exist. It's easy to say "well here it is" - but is it? How could I know? The obvious answer is, well you can see all of this stuff around you so how could one deny reality? But what am I seeing? Am I being deceived about it? Can I trust my eyes? I don't even know what eyes are! And what if I were born blind, what would reality be then? "well," one could say, "you would still have hearing. Everything around you can be heard, so reality must exist?" But can hearing be trusted? Who hears? And I were born deaf, and blind, and to save time, without sense of touch, smell, or feelings, ( whatever the hell any of those are,) what would reality be? What is constant? I live in reality. How could I possibly know this? It can't be proven that I live in anything. Or that they're even is an I. I don't trust anything to be true. This is unpleasing to me. Probably out of want of direction. Purpose. Fear of being ignorant. Fear of missing out on something good. Fear of not knowing if there even is a such thing as something good. I live in reality. Perhaps a truer statement is "I live in a reality" . The other morning I had a series of false awakenings, at least 10 in a row, with semi-good lucidity. With each awakening I would start in bed, count my fingers, remember that I am dreaming, and try to do some lucid experiments. In one I tried looking at myself in the mirror, but couldn't get the light switch to turn on. I had some really disappointing sex in another. In a few, I melted myself through the back end of the house, and explored my yard, smelling flowers. Lucid in every one. Each time I falsely awoke, it would take anywhere from instantly lucid to what felt like 5 seconds, before I remember to do my reality check. Sometimes the reality checks failed, and I was left wondering if I had actually awoken this time, only to find out that no, I do have six odd-looking fingers after a second check. That's how convincing this "other" reality is. It felt real enough not to be able to distinguish it from "true" reality, until I finally woke up and realized that no, this is what reality feels like. And it bothered me that I fell for it so easily. It also shook me up for the whole day, and I kept periodically checking my fingers to make sure that I indeed was no longer dreaming. The effects of this has long since worn off, but I am glad to record it. What also bothers me is that the reality checks failed a few times during the series of awakenings, and that I had no 100% proof that they werent just being stubborn in this reality. What interests me is that it is very similar in appearance to the dream reality, but as I said before everything just seems more stable. Whatever that means. I can touch the side of the wall, and it feels very real. But I remember multiple times doing this experiment in dreams and remarking how real it feels then. Reality is relative. Perhaps that's a good topic for another day. I live in reality. I don't think this is going to get solved today. Will probably follow up with the next session on "reality is relative" , when I feel ready to return to this topic. My severe lack of knowledge on this topic is laughable, yet understandable. We are all raised with this handicap of a total misunderstanding of what reality is. The blind leading the blind in circles. Occasionally one who can see steps in now and then to redirect. I live in reality. Perhaps going forward the truer statement is " I don't know what reality is or that I am living anything"

@Telepresent great, thanks.. Night. I wanted to mention that all the questions that I pose intermittently are mostly as written affirmations. Supposedy it can sometimes trigger reactions within the subconscious or something like that. (as if I could ever pretend to know what that means...) I can tell in my first post i got too sidetracked by my questions that I didn't stay on the original topic, and the questions became new topics. I think I laid alot out on the table though. Nothing wasted. But this relates to the idea that the autolysis which is done over there, may not match what is done over here. It is just so helpful to have an idea of how to approach this, kind of points the way.

@Telepresent your example is great. So glad to see you are implementing shadow work into it as well. I see now what you mean about staying on target, even though it's ok to endulge a certain insight that may pop up now and then. I think my other problem has been coming up with a good "thing that I know to be true", although of course there are innumerable ones. On the other hand, I have already come to a understanding (belief) that I don't know much of anything, so that probably gets in the way.

Ok now hear me out... This isn't one of those conspiracy theories about the earth being flat (although I do wonder if there are dimensions that exist which in their perspective we could appear as a two-dimensional object as a beautiful painting does to us... But i digress...) During a session of spiritual autolysis I revisted a topic that came up in a book I have yet to finish. The question is how do we really know the earth is round? Beyond all assumptions and facts that others have told us. It suggests to imagine being from a few centuries ago, when it was common knowledge that the earth was flat. Suggestions that the earth was round was laughed at and hated. Imagine the paradigm shift. (sidenote: I find it interesting and kind of sad that this paradigm shift could only be experienced by this particular generation of people. Any generation afterwards would be born in the world of this so called round earth, and never understand what it was like to think otherwise.) And I came to the conclusion that I don't know if the earth is round. I have no direct experience of this. I fairly believe in what others have told me about it and the rest of the known universe, but I have no flippin clue! So my question is : is there a way to directly experience the roundness of the planet, besides becoming an astronaut and seeing it from a different perspective? Traveling does not work because it proves nothing. (although "I" love(s) traveling ?) Or should I be satisfied with the fact that I will probably never know, in direct experience whether or not it has a shape at all. As I wrote at the end of my autolysis, I was questioning the phrase as a whole - "The earth is round. Is it? I would like to experience that for myself. But until then it isn't 100% pertinent information. I can still navigate through life (whatever that is) without knowing for sure if the earth truly is round."

@Telepresent Thank you! I don't mind if anyone posts in this journal since It will be dedicated to autolysis and would love any hints or suggestions. I go into a kind of free flow/ automatic writing when I was doing these. The first one is definitely a mess, but then again I was kind of feeling out this whole process. There are a few more sessions that I have not typed up yet, but I have found that more recent ones focus on the phrases as a whole instead of breaking down every word. It was kind of fun breaking down every word, but once I do it, I don't feel the need to revisit it at this time. I get exactly what you are saying (maybe ). I do throughout the day- even at work- think about these type of things, question reality etc. Posting on here helps also. Yes, I need to get my autolysis more focused so I can actually make some dents as you said. I like this idea of taking the question, redefining it in my own terms, and then breaking that down, again and again, rephrasing, etc. I think I'm getting a better idea about how to do this. What you have written does make sense, but a demo would definitely help. I'm definitely interested in your take on this. We could come up with a phrase together unless you have one you would like to use. **(edit i didn't see your second post yet, let me take a look at it)** I have a few chapters left of his first book. Hopefully he clears up this process in the latter books because the way he presents it in his first one is either too confusing or too simple (most likely!) for my head to wrap around it. I understand that he says write down what you know to be true, and then keep reducing it until you know what is true, but sometimes examples are the best way to understand a system like that.