seeking_brilliance

@Preety_India you are doing a beautiful job of self reflection in this journal, and I'm glad you keep up with it. Have a good day

Marijuana does need some time to "recharge" or the insights will be more muddled, egotistic, or none at all, in my experience. I don't know how directly this is related to tolerance, but I've also heard it has to do with depleting energy in the astral or etheric bodies... whatever those are.

@Zweistein oh for sure, nothing beats direct experience, huh

I'm taking a small break on autolysis, since I wanted my next session to be on what are feelings, and I realized I can't really put it into words that well yet. So I'm reading The Chimp Paradox which I think will help me build a better vocabulary and understanding. Hopefully it will also help me understand the mind better, or at least it's interpretation.

@Zweistein How about a walk up a ravine in Florida, USA? Bonus effect: put it into a smartphone VR headset and use it to help you get to sleep/ dream incubation/ lucid dream inducer.

@universe I really hope that was a Westworld reference

@Telepresent I hope that felt good to get off your chest (not that I'd tell you how to feel ?)

@Telepresent you unblocked something and dealt with it. Sounds like a step forward to me, but of course I shouldn't tell you how to feel ? I like when you pose discussion topics, just don't be so aggressive and participate! Here's a fun idea : do you find it interesting how alcohol turned Telepresent into a naughty boy? Would you consider this to still be Telepresent, or a version of Telepresent? What would be the difference?

Of course I have no idea, but from what I can surmise : real is relative. Samuel feels very real to me. More than he ever will to another who is in the same boat. I have been Samuel for 31 years now, give or take, depending on when exactly I began identifying with the idea of him. Only recently did I ever get the twinkling of a hint that Sam is an idea, and that I really don't know who I am without that idea. Perhaps nobody at all, without the wants, hopes, and expectations that have formed this idea of Sam. Perhaps it would just be a lifeless body, or one that runs purely on instinct - like an animal - if there were no Sam to animate it. To trick it into thinking it has meaning and purpose. I have no flipping clue and it really interests me. Like seriously, who the heck am I if not Sam? And does Sam even exist? Well I'm a big believer that real is relative. (yes, it's a belief, and I don't even fully understand why I believe it. Perhaps intuitively.) If there is a Sam, then he belives he's real so who's to say he's not? Who's to say anything? If @Telepresent were to stab him in the eye with a fork, someone or something would be in alot of physical pain. Emotional pain as well. Would the body be in pain, or does the body even feel? What if all pain is only in the mind? No, I do not know what the fuck a mind is, and should have no authority to speak of it. I don't know if Sam is of the mind, or if Sam has a mind. Or both. I don't know if Sam is the body who has an intelligent mind, or a parasite (possibly symbiotic) which leached onto the body. I just don't freaking know so that puts a huge hinderance on further insights and contextualization. (edit : or perhaps I only believe it does) But at the end of it all, there is a Sam which believes he is real. And believing invites another kind of pain. Not like what the body felt from being stabbed in the eye, but this one possibly worse because it sticks around. "Why would @Telepresent stab me in the eye? Did I do something wrong? Did I offend him? If I had been better, would I still be in searing pain and suffer losing half of my eyesight- one of my most precious things?" Sam is real. No matter what anyone says. Even if only real to himself. And Sam suffers. If another could suffer what Sam has suffered, I'd call them a liar if they said he wasn't real. It feels pretty fucking real to me. Then again, so do dreams. In most dreams, I am Sam, though at the same time, I'm not. Like a strange twilight zone version of him. But the me in the dream feels like it's completely real. Let's call this particular Sam in this hypothetical dream: "Sam.00183". Sam.00183 is on an adventure. He's having the time of his life fighting dragons in a hotel bathroom while nondescriptly getting "helped" by a beautiful young friend. Sam.00183 can remember fighting the same dragons not long ago out on the cliffs of mordor. He remembers noticing that while on the cliffs of Modor, the dragon had cotton candy shoot out from its tail if cut in a certain area. What Sam.00183 doesn't realize is that he was never on the cliffs of Mordor. This was a false memory which is a huge interest of mine. When Sam.0 reviews the dream, he laughs to think his other "self" believed that false memory, even though it clearly arose only after fighting the dragon in the bathroom for some time. It was instantly and randomly created when needed, never actually needing to take place. But to Sam.00183, it was real. Who's to say it's not? Wasn't? He was on the cliffs of mordor, stuffing down cotton candy, while "helping" his beautiful friend. And to him this happened sometime before fighting them again in the hotel bathroom. Sam.0 would be very quick to judge to merely laugh the experience away. What if Sam.00183 suffered great pain? Stabbed in the lungs by the razor sharp tail, while attempting to get that delicious cotton candy. Who's to say that pain wasn't real? It was felt. Somehow. And if the pain was real, who's to say that Sam.00183 wasn't real as well? Even Sam.0 doubts his counterpart's existence. Sam.0, who still feels the sting and loss of breath from being impaled straight through the chest, begins to believe that this happened to him. There is no Sam.00183, because it is no longer in Sam.0's direct experience. Yet Sam.0 wants validation. He feels he needs it. Yesterday, his friend was in pain because it is that time of the month. (yikes and ew.) But Sam cared little. He did not feel the cramps. They were not in his direct experience, so were they real? It sure felt real to his friend, if you'd ask her. Who's to say it wasn't? If his friend had a way to transfer this pain to Sam, (and I think she gladly would), at which point did it go from not-real to is-real? Would it validate his friend's realness, or does Sam wonder if it didn't become real until it was in his direct experience. He tends to do that.

@Telepresent I think it's a matter of perspective. From Telepresent's perspective, you can see how explaining the unexplainable is a distraction / hinderance/ misleading. From a new seeker's perspective, these hints or others experiences solidify something to actually seek. Something to look for and look forward to. Even if it is misleading. It validates our calling. Our searching. Eventually all hints and others' experiences must be dropped when the Seeker notices the hindrance. But if dropped too soon, the Seeker may give up. By this point they may have not learned to seek within. Also, is not asking or seeking other's experiences and explanations a form of self inquiry in itself? I say leave no stone unturned.

@Telepresent oh no, you hurt my feelings, I don't like you anymore. Ok enough distraction, back to work

@Telepresent validation is a powerful thing. Bring on those dopamines! You have given me much to contemplate. Your help is truly a blessing.

@Telepresent bonus questions : Well, I don't pretend to understand time but by my guess what felt like 10 minutes. Why did I spend 10 minutes, or why did I write the post? A) because it bothered me to go without clarification and I wanted to get it clarified as soon as possible to induce more accurate follow up questions (although thankfully you understood my meaning from the get- go) B) but why did I want clarification, that's the question... I want to contemplate this but my immediate answer is for some reason I want to be liked, feel special. I want to be understood. Even though I don't know you very much, I already want you to like me and think I'm doing well. And I don't even know why I want that. I just do. I want to be acknowledged. I want verification. Verification that I'm heading in the right direction. Oh lord I just went into a whole list of wants again. But whatever. Samuel wants to be heard.

@Telepresent I should mention that when I posed those questions, it was mainly as an admittance that I don't actually know what these things are, even though I go around pretending I do and want them. As opposed to really asking what these things are. It's probably about 50/50 asking/admittance

That's right... Interpretation, intuition, abstract interpretation (or whatever). Ok I will contemplate the hints you have given. Thank you so much

@Telepresent Well, first off all, I don't know! Let's get that out of the way. I suppose I could say that in the grand scheme of things, language is just about as real as Samuel is. No more than an idea. It is not the entirety of reality, and could never describe reality. But it's also all we have to describe anything, and we use it to describe that which cannot be described. (and that's not a new concept to me, as Christians we said the same about God) The questions and answers all arise in language. It's entirely possible that without language neither would arise. However, I have the great fortune and misfortune to think in language. To think at all is both a blessing and a curse. I think I'm just rambling though, I honestly don't know how to answer your question. Perhaps to remove the "I".

My (Sam's) wants: I want to feel good. (what is feeling good?) I want to feel happy. (what is happy?) I want to feel free. (what is feeling free?) I want to find peace. (what is peace?) I want my business to be successful. (what is success?) I want my employees to be reliable. I want there to be no bad interactions between clients. I want Michael to love me. (what is love?) I want my friends to love me. (what are friends?) I want to feel confident. (what is confidence?) I want to feel secure. (what is security?) I want to feel special. (who wants to feel special?) I want the people I love to be happy. (who are the people I love?) I want to share my happiness with them. (what are "them", what am I?) I want to be free of the prison of my mind. (what is a mind?) I want to be the prison, and beyond the prison. (whatever that means) I want to find the truth of reality. I want to explore consciousness. I want to help others learn to explore consciousness. I want to explore imagination. I want to explore another's imagination. I want to know why. I want to know what. I want to know how. I want to be real. I want to feel real. I want to know what real is, if real exists. I want to know if real is not just relative. I want to know what relative really . I want to comprehend the paradoxes. I want to explore my dreams. I want to be entertained. I want my dreams to be the best entertainment. I want to stop smoking. I want to heal from the effects of smoking. I want the body to heal completely and feel brand new. I want to become lucid in life. I want to learn what that means. I want to be free form the imprisonment of anxiety. I want anxiety to dissolve with love. I want to learn to love. I want to learn what love is. I want to practice true love. I want to know what any purpose is. I want there to be a purpose, even if there's not, because it feels good. It makes us feel whole. And that's all we need to be satisfied. Then I can bear no more guilt for all the abominations I have created, whether intentionally or not. Perhaps I used to not feel guilt, but then I experienced the pain for myself. How could I turn my eye now? (ok, so I definitely have a deep psychological desire for purpose. I'm sure most will tell me its ego. We'll see.) I want answers. I want guidance. I want to understand myself. I want to understand all parts of myself, and I want to know if there are parts of myself, or plainly just no self at all. I want some hints. I want to cheat a little. Just a little. I want to go home. I want to know what home is. I want to know why I keep using the word "I". I want to know why I have questions. I want to know why I have wants. I want to know where to find answers. (who finds answers?) I want to know what's going on. I want to be a willing participant in it. Or be given a choice. I want to be acknowledged. I want to smile. I want to want to smile. And laugh. I want to have no wants. I don't want to depend on anything listed above for happiness. I am content. Always. wow, I want a lot. As long as there is a persona, a role to played out, there will be wants. This persona was named Sam. As long as Sam exists, as long as the role is continued, there are conditions which exist that perhaps wouldn't if there were no Sam. There are others that rely on this persona, named Sam, who seems to be tethered to a tall, lanky body of a brown haired male from fuck-where Arkansas. But the people that rely upon this Sam. A husband. A mother. Friends. Family. Employees. Sam himself. There's too much invested. Every single one of these reliers expect Sam to do his best. Sam expects himself to do his best for others. Sam likes it when others seem him do his best. It feels good. And Sam enjoys feeling good. So there will always be wants and needs associated with this role of Sam and his friends, as long as it continues to play out. There's no escaping that. But I can choose (can I?) to detach from these wants, and be grateful if even one is met, as a way to contentedness. Contentedness was important, growing up as a good little christian. We were to be content with the Lord. I used to marvel at how good I was at that. Once there was no more "Lord", perhaps I was too ungrounded to find contentedness. Or perhaps I only imagined to have it before, when I had something to use as a crutch-- the Lord Jesus Christ. Perhaps I was just a dumb kid who hadn't experienced enough of reality to be anything but content. Who the hell knows? Though I have been searching for it ever since.

This one may sound a little woo-woo, but I woke up from a dream this morning, and heard a male voice saying "he's ready, (ahem) " something like that, and then immediately after the alarm clock went off. I'm not saying it was any more than imagination, but the timing was impeccable, as if the clearing of his throat was a cure for the alarm to go off.

@Edogowa Conan yeah, sometimes being forced into a situation is the best method for growth. I'm happy for you that you are put into an uncomfortable situation and are determined to overcome it. Best of luck!

10-10-18 I know what I want in life. This is of course a complete farce, because I also have a sneaky suspicion that I don't know what the hell I want. I've never actually listed out things I do want, so lets do that now: I want happiness. Peace. Love. Understanding. Quietness. Bonding. Shape (?)(what the hell?). Conformity. Boundaries. Spaciousness. ***(these were the first words that came to mind)*** I want to enjoy life. I want to enjoy my career. I want to feel peace. I want to find quietness. Stillness. Honestly these are my tops. Is it wrong of me to want these things to make me happy? I want for nothing to make me happy. I want to have no more wants. Not dependent on any conditions to make me happy. That's where bliss is. Not dependent. But accepting and grateful when any of my pettier wants and desires are fulfilled. Why would I want to enjoy my like and career? With no wants, all would be enjoyed, no matter. The good and the bad. Because I wouldn't want it any other way. Why would I want to feel peace? This probably goes a bit deeper, because it involves pain. Anxiety. Emotional, shitty pain. I consider (probably falsely) peace to be the opposite of constant anxiety. I feel it quite often. **(actually only occasionally but I feel the way something is written the first time has more impact on subconscious, or whatever. Who the hell knows who or what controls all that, or if it even can be controlled). But with no wants, I wouldn't need to feel peace at all times, I wouldn't want it any other way. The good times and the bad. I want to find quietness and stillness. Why would I want this? Well, I do have a lot of mind chatter. Non-stop. Sometimes it shuts up, but its a needle in a haystack for that one. It's wild and untamed. It used to repeat things over and over, but that annoyed me so I taught it to shut up with that. Still happens very very rarely. But good luck on getting it to shut up completely. Sorry, monkey mind aspect of Samuel- I love ya bro, but mommy needs a rest. Some peace and quiet sometimes. But why do I need it? Would it be better to not want it at all? Surrender to the non-stop chatter, and just love it unconditionally? Maybe I could even find a way for it to entertain myself. If you can't beat it, join it, right? And I wont have it forever. This too shall pass. And then who will I be? Back on track: any other reasons I should not want quietness/stillness? Because the ego wants desires to be filled. It knows its running out of time. There's no time to stop and smell the roses. They're dead. Move on. Nothing to see here. Samuel wants love. Samuel wants things that were listed at the top as conditions for happiness. Samuel wants a lot of things. What Samuel needs is to learn not to want. Not because he doesn't care, but because there's no point. No point to want. It creates conflict. And at the same time, its ok to have little wants here and there, like wanting to help a friend, or wanting your business to succeed. Just don't grow an unhealthy dependency on them. You must first have no wants, break the bonds it has on you, and afterwards not form a dependency on benign wants. That is the secret to enjoying life. Of course its a paradox, why wouldn't it be? Why is it a paradox? To want but not to want. It is with both, harmonized, that holds the key to happiness. No-wants fulfills the need to be content, wants fulfills the need for entertainment. But aren't wants and needs the same thing? That's the problem, I think they are, to some degree, even though I know better. So wouldn't it be better to have no needs? I thought no wants was the key. Well, I didn't say there was only one key. One must have both. Or not have, rather. But quitting wanting is the first step to this liberation. And the body will always have some basic needs for survival of course. But even they could have no impact on my happiness. I pray (probably in vain), I never need to find out. SO. I agree I need to have no wants. This must be achieved, or something. It would be great to say-- "Ok, I have no more wants!" But for some reason I have to take the slow route and learn not to want. Oh well, that's life, huh? Ironically, I think the path to not wanting starts with actually getting to the core of what I (Samuel) really want(s). Perhaps if I hear it out, it will stop buzzing. Perhaps I can please it somehow. Find an answer for it, so not to shut it up but to liberate it. Liberate my own desire from itself. Talk about meta. Is that not the purpose of this whole thing? To liberate myself from myself? I'm sure I'll cross many parallels on this journey. So I need to list all of my wants and needs down, and really get down to the core of them. The essentials. What the fuck do I really want? What do I need vs. what the body needs. This will be my next one or two entries. Signing off for now.

@Edogowa Conan Hi, I read through your entries and I am so glad that you are feeling better and have come to some realizations with your career. I was bullied in school too, I have a whole post dedicated to that in my journal if you want to check it out. I wouldn't have even thought twice about becoming a teacher because of my fear of bullying... unless perhaps an elementary teacher. I'm curious, what age group do you teach at this weekend class? Do you think it would be a cop-out to go into early education thereby bypassing all of the anxiety and issues you have with older students, or do you wish to overcome these fears and not let them rule your life? Personally, I think either way would be noble, but of course its about what you want.

I am getting back into kriya practices. I have no issue doing om jappa, but the spinal breathing throws me. For some reason, I just can't bring the energy up from root to anja in one breath... I can do it, but it's slow and usually takes a few breaths to get it up, and then a breath or two to send it down. I'm sure its something that gets easier over time, but is practicing it this way going to hinder my progress? Should my main focus right now to be sending it up in one breath, or can I continue the way I do and hope the issue will resolve with practice? Also, any tips on how to imagine that the rising current is cool, and is warm on the way down? I've tried imagining my hand in a bucket of ice and transferring that to the current in the spine, but it aint that easy... I wonder how important the cool and warm currents really are....

@Sev so this is where it is still a bit confusing. Like I said about the hand, that's what I feel in my chakras/ spine when doing the practices. But I have no idea if I am only feeling the awareness that I'm putting on them, or the prana. Perhaps prana isn't actually felt though, only the awareness. Or perhaps when I have stronger prana, it is something that can be felt which mingles with the feeling of placing awareness. I have no idea! lol. Anyway, if you are having problems feeling your awareness in your spine/chakras, try pooling it up in your hand and then consciously moving it up your arm and into your chest and down to the root. Would still take practice for beginners but I think it would be a great preliminary practice which I haven't seen mentioned in the books. The reason it is easier to start in your hand is because it is something that can be seen, which aides in placing awareness on it.

@SoonHei yeah, I guess my other curiosity was if they were actualizers and still had these bad trips as you described, either it was something they needed to go through as part of their growth, or they still just didn't prepare properly. I have had what I consider a good trip before, although everyone else considered it bad because I kind of lost my mind there for a couple hours.. oops. But recalling that experience, it definitely could have turned into a mini-hell at any point. Luckily it didn't.

@Sev yeah I guess its hard to talk about because you have to have a certain sensitivity to it to "feel" it. And Im sure if you don't feel anything at all doesn't mean its not there. For me, I feel a heaviness, very slight tingling sensation. Tingling probably isn't the right word either, and can be misleading. Just very slightly prickly. Same feeling if you bring your awareness to your hands and let it pool up there, can you at least feel that in your hand?