Skanzi

Friday November 8th What trying to repair the gear system of my bicycle has thought me. So the gear system of my bicycle is broken. You have setting 1,2 and 3, in which 3 is the heaviest setting mainly for going downhill, and 1 is the lightest for going uphill. 2 Is obviously in between. So setting 3 didn't really work anymore. It sort of lost traction and it kind of kept in hanging between 2 and 3, but never really fully switching to 3. So I set out a goal to try an repair this myself, instead of having my father let it do it for me. This is challenging for me, as learning how to do these kinds of things I usually find very stressful. I had watched a video on how to do it, but I didn't remember too much of it and instead of trying ot get the exact facts and do it exactly by the book, I just wanted to go downstairs myself and experiment a little bit with the gear mechanism. Whilst I had just started with it, my father saw me dealing with it and came in to help. I wasn't necessarily so much against the help, despite the fact that I had set out the intention to try to do it on my own. I was paying attention. I don't know how these things are called, but my father said to me that in order for gear setting 3 to be repaired, it had to be a little bit looser, so that the chain thingy going into the wheel mechanism could pull back sufficiently enough. now it was too tight and therefore it couldn't pull back sufficiently enough. We struggled with it for a bit because we couldn't figure out how to move the black thingy on the ribbled metal thingy that it was around, but then we found out that on the black thingy there was another steel thingy which you could push which then allowed the black thingy to be moved back and forth on the ribbled steel thingy, which could make the cable tighter or looser. Eventually I decided just to go out the house and test it for myself how now the new setting was, and to adjust the tightness of the cable accordingly. But I got confused as I didn't really completely understand what was going on, that how exactly it worked. I just experimented with it a little bit and tried different settings but for some reason because it didn't follow a certain logic I could understand or it didn't act as I expected or in a predictable pattern I had figured out, I got a bit overwhelmed. What I eventually ended up doing was making it too loose which detached the cable from the gear box mechanism (the thing you adjust with your thumb on the steering wheel), basically making the whole gear mechanism non-functional now. Now it stayed stuck in gear 3. Back home, me and my father checked with it again. What had to be done now was to put the steel end back on the end of the cable that would hook on a certain point at the gear box. But what we also found was that the cable was starting to wear, and was close to the point of breaking. So we decided that it was best to get a new cable the next day at a bicycle (repair store). I know have the intention to simply buy an cable but not let the other guys repair it so I can learn to do something myself here. So what has all of this thought me? Or what insights did I gain from this? Well... My past self would've done one or three things, depending on which phase in my life I was at and the urgency and necessity of the situation: I would have either tried it but given up on it quickly once it started to become too confusing and overwhelming, or I would've simply not tried it at all, or I would have gone through with it all at once but find myself being very overwhelmed in the process and just trying to finish the job on pure willpower. But my current self now actually has the desire and openness to be wiling to push through and learn it, yet take the necessary time and space to step back, reflect, and take my time for it. My current self is stlll vulnerable to being quickly overwhelmed and confused, but instead of either pushing through it by brute force or forsaking it altogether, I neither completely forget it nor drive myself crazy in trying to accomplish it. I go with what I have the space for to do at the time given, and if it becomes too much, I take a step back, think about how it is best to approach it the next time —what approach, strategy and attitude— and then I try it again with this new perspective the next day. Well... possibly not immediately the next day, but I make sure that I won't forget it entirely (by for instance noting it down on my to-do-list), and then I will make sure that I will come back to it some later time when I feel the readiness to do so. It's interesting how before I never even really thought this to be a possibility. And why do I get so quickly overwhelmed? Well, I guess it has a relationality with me having the diagnoses of autism (PDD-NOS) and ADD. But to completely go into the details as to what exactly autism and ADD mean and imply in the bigger picture, and all the different facets and implications it has, is a whole different topic in itself. Like I said, I used to do one of three things: I used to force myself to doing it with all the willpower I had, going through with it even if I felt very overwhelmed. This was my attitude primarily in 2013 and a good part of 2014. Back then, I still had the conviction that it was "good" to go through with it, and that I would have failed or be a failure if I were to give up. If I were to give up, I would've interpreted it as me being weak and incompetent, as not being capable of facing the challenges of life. Yes, I used to get much more things done back then, but it came at a great cost of feeling very stressed, restless and anxious for a great part of the time I tried nothing at all. this was particularly applicable in the era 2014-2017 (but probably 2018 as well), when I was in my lazy phase. At such a moment, it was more comfortable to revert back to the position of acting like none of it was very important: "Well I know getting this done could make my life a bit easier, but I don't feel within me the capacity to do it, so instead of struggling with myself and acting out of guilt (or shaming myself for not having done it), it feels better to detach from the need to do it, and so let me go within and detach myself from this need so I can find a peace and rest that isn't dependent on anything from the outside world. The most important thing right now is just to let go of it" If I were to try to make any attempt at all at such a point, there would be an instant automatic association and feeling of attachment, struggle, tension, frustration and so forth. I would notice myself tensing up. In the era of 2013 and a good part of 2014, I would've tried to force myself through this with willpower. But because I had exhausted that paradigm of using pure egoic-based willpower to break through limitations, I saw or at least felt no innate value in doing it like that anymore. I didn't feel the capacity or energy within me to do it like that anymore, so it suited me better to adopt beliefs and attitudes that would serve a lazy, incompetent self better to feel comfortable with himself. Or —still coming from the attitude described in the two paragraphs displayed here above (and I guess mainly my attitude prior to 2013 as well)— I would have tried it because I would have felt a sense that there was a bit more importance and/or urgency to it than usual, but then I would still give up once it became a bit too much and overwhelming. This sense of it being more important than usual could come from outer circumstances, for instance: My phone has water damage to it and maybe if I learn how to do certain things to my phone I can get the water out and make it work properly again, instead of buying a new phone altogether and forsaking all the personal data that has been stored on the old phone, or going through with life using this not properly-working phone making my life quite a bit more difficult, as my phone has been and probably still is my greatest asset and tool. Or it could come from an inner pressure, which is to say that a part of me is getting fed up with being lazy and incompetent, creating inner pressure to actually try to make a change for once, and to just and try to get something done for once or learn something new for once that is challenging to learn. But even then, when this inner and/or outer pressure would be prevelant, I would still not feel the capacity (in 2014-2018-ish) to actually push through with it in the end and to actually get it done, as there would not be enough energy, conviction and inner urgency to actually get it done. The attitude (and perhaps just genuine lack of capacity, where the energy simply isn't available in the right channel) would just not allow it. Except for really exceptional cases, I would always fall back to either settling for a (great) inconvenience in my life with the attitude that it's an "invitation for me to let go for the need to have convenience", and/or the inner pressure and guilt that wanted to push me to overcome my limitations would once again subside and be replaced by my passive attitude towards life. Now I finally start seeing the possibility of getting things done without getting overwhelmed, by being both sensitive/intelligent and determined at the same time. The attitude is basically that you take whatever rest and reflection you need, but you do not completely forget and forsake the task at hand, and you keep it in mind and you will do it again once you feel the space within yourself to be able to try it (again). Gentle yet persistent.

I attended Julien's tansformation mastery program ins Amsterdam. I would actually really recommend it. And regardless: What's a better way to find out how it is unless you try it? Yeah it's a lot of money, but I found it to be quite valuable, actually. Not everything though, but some elements of it were very powerful; it doesn't need to be perfect in its entirety for it to be worth.

There is nothing you can do, really. Anything you try to do will simply be an escape and will reassert it to yourself that there is something to be afraid of. No, there's nothing that can be done. But even though nothing can be done, there is something that can be allowed. The only way to get out of hell is to go through hell. That's the only way. All attempts to turn back or escape will not provide you with any lasting solutions, and will make things only worse in the end. Face your fears. Face your thoughts. I'd suggest to either sit or lay down, and just to let it all go through you. Let the dreadful feelings come through you. Observe the anxious thoughts that are running through your head. There's is nothing that needs to be done: just allow it. Take nothing personal; Just see it and feel it, and make nothing out of it. When you truly allow yourself to completely surrender to all these sensations, you will notice that —even though the feelings may not instantly leave you— that a space will arise within you where you are able to carry your experience without reacting or identifying with it. You see the wave, you feel the wave, but still you will find that somehow you aren't it. That is the only true freedom you can come to encounter.

Thursday November 7th Some notes about sexuality in its broadest sense For me it is difficult to relate to a woman sexually. I find it very difficult to convery sexual interest or attraction. I don't consider myself an unattractive guy, and I certainly do think I display some masculine attributes which I feel like women are attracted to to some degree. For instance: I know how to say "no". I know how to set boundaries. I know how to be uncompromising. I (okay, almost) never apologize for something that I don't feel needs an apology, even under great amount of pressure. I know how come across as centered and confident and unwavering. I know how to convey a strong, assertive body-language. I know how to speak up and project a low yet loud voice. I have the body type of a warrior: I naturally without even too much exercise have a good amount of upper body mass and an atlethic figure. And I know how to display a serious, no-nonsense facial expression. Interestingly enough, there's also parts within that are very feminine. The masculine part of me is generally more what's on display: It's only that which I like to show to the world, and only then for people that really don't know me that well, or don't know me at all. The masculine polarity is what I'm comfortable showing glimpses of, but not what I'm comfortable fully embodying within every day social interactions. Generally, the more I am around specific people, the more of a relaxed, kind and friendly appearance I tend to have towards them. I'm actually not unfriendly to begin with, but I might in certain circumstances come across as having a low 'approachability-factor'; kind and respectful as far as my attitude is concerned, but I don't have this 'niceness' around me. Maybe this is what i was referring to when I get to know people better: My approachability-factor increases the more I know certain people. I then start coming across as a bit less masculine, a bit more feminine (but not queer-like). I'm noticing that in my mind I'm still envisioning situations wherein the described situations above do not hold true. It's a bit difficult to describe and pinpoint as to how exactly it works for me, but I'm trying my best. I may not be completely accurate with all descriptions aforementioned. I think generally what I'm trying to say is that I would like to display to the larger world and be perceived as is my masculine side, and once I let my guard down, what you will notice is much more my feminine side, which is to say: values such as friendliness, kindness, cooperation, humor, hospitality. And actually, it's fair to say that often or perhaps even usually when I'm out in public I don't actually have this masculine front on. The desire for that to be displayed plays up only at certain moments in certain moods. What I am however uncompromisingly masculine in is my insistence and dedication to honesty and Truth. I am willing to die for Truth, for what I see righteous. If I feel like I have to do something or protect something that is essential to my life's purpose or essential to the integrity of my consciousness, I will protect it or go for it at all costs. I refuse to let myself become a playball of circumstances, and I refuse to let myself get overly attached to something or someone if it I feel that it really starts to drain my energy. This to me is very clear and it can not be compromised However, I am generally very loose in my take on what I find ' unacceptable'. What other people sometimes seem to care so much about, I often barely can't give two shits about it. Even though I am willing to defend Truth at all costs, I am at the same time not very idealistic. I've dropped that over the last couple of years, as being very idealistic is often just a useless pursue of defending self-created ideas about what virtue is supposed to be. I am not here to defend ideas. Truth is not an idea, so it is not an idea that needs to be defended. In fact, strictly speaking, Truth also does not need any defence, as Truth already is as it is and cannot be otherwise. Any defence of Truth itself is in that sense ridiculous. What I am however am willing to defend is my right to live in accordance to Truth. So what I am defending is not Truth itself, but my nnate right for me to align myself with it; Whatever sacrifice that may require. Even though I would like to think of myself as masculine, I have to admit that in my approach to life over the last couple of years I have been very feminine. That is to say: I just go with the flow. I let my feelings dictate my actions instead of my logic. I don't (or at least didn't) have any specific goals to work towards, so there's nothing to assert myself towards. There's has been no clearly defined vision or mission which I could feel like it was resonating within me or that I was empowered by it. Nothing like that was capable of energizing me to actually work towards something. And because there simply didn't come any inspiration, I found that the best thing to do was just to accept the fact and just go with the flow. What else was I supposed to do? I had found that there was no way to "create" a mission for myself that was sustainable, because to create a mission implies you're doing it from the ego-consciousness. As I was in the process of awakening and thus this ego was slowly eroding away, less and less any sort of attempt to align myself towards a certain goal or mission and to discipline myself for it was failing, as the ego that would have energized such motivations was disappearing simply more and more. There simply wasn't a source of energy that could sustain any form of discipline or structure. After having gone through that including hitting the bottom of the valley which was very painful, which happened in 2017, now more and more a new phase is coming up, in where I am slowly coming more and more in contact with a source of inspiration that I do not really have to make any effort for to find, because it's finding me. I am talking mainly about singing, but perhaps also writing. Even though this inspiration and motivation for singing is coming up naturally, I do have to (re-)learn again to also discipline and structure my life in such a way that I can better align with this purpose and fulfill it more effectively. But this discipline is not done from the ego-consciousness perspective, but instead it is a recognition that in order for my purpose to manifest itself (better), I have to live and act in the world and therefore it is necessary for me to learn certain skillsets in order to manifest this vision. But now, I am in a way of speaking being allowed by spirit to pursue the development of these skillsets without having to involve my egoic self anymore. Now, my willpower is being derived from a higher source. And because a new vision and mission is forming, I slowly start gaining more assertiveness and discipline as energy starts becoming available for everything that is in alignment with this purpose. For instance: I am starting to hit the gym again because I feel that a stronger body will benefit my singing skills. If it were not to benefit my singing skills to my idea, I wouldn't be able to derive the energy from anywhere to go to the gym. It would just feel like it would be pointless. But still, there is a lot of yielding, passive energy within me and still a need for lots of rest and withdrawal. I could definitely write more and I wanted to write more, but I feel like I'm losing focus so it's best for me to quit my soliloquy now.

I'm not sure. Phsyhodelics might be dangerous. I've never heard of them so I don't know if they're safe. Psychedelics, however, should be a lot less dangerous.

I like Sadhguru's approach. I think he has many sobering ideas and perspectives. However... maybe it doesn't mean anything and I'm just stuck with a certain idea about how a high conciousness person should be, but I do notice that I find Sadhguru a bit restless in his communication. I'm talking in relative sense; not compared to your average Joe. But if you take an Osho for example, he's waaay more grounded, calm and centered than Sadhguru is in at least the way he portrays himself. I'm not entirely sure if this is a valid measuring stick about how to judge a person's level or consciousness; perhaps this is just one of the different facets of natural expression, but this is just something that I'm noticing. All of that being said, I like what he's doing. His logic is very sober and practical.

I do not understand why people are so adamant on copyright these days. Is it not about spreading the message instead of monopolizing a certain idea or thing? For instance: Someone paints a great painting, and then somebody comes and steals it and starts claiming it is his own and starts spreading the painting to other people. But this person just so happens to be a person of great influence and this painting reaches thousands and thousands of people because of it, which is much, much more people than the amount of people the original painter would've reached as he is not a person of great influence and not particulary skilled at marketing. In this situation, If you had to choose one or the other, then do you want your work to be spread or do you just want the credit? You can't have both. What would you choose? I know my answer. And Leo's video is way different than the example I have described above. Leo isn't claiming that Spiral Dynamics is his own work. He's just using it to contribute to the upliftment of consciousness of society. It aggrevates me when people care so much more about credit than about contribution. @Halcyon Iconoclast Thanks for the reupload though , Beware though! Leo might just make a copyright claim that you're using his work without his permission! (This is a joke, obviously. Or... hopefully at least)

I don't wake up in the morning these days. That should say enough.

Sunday November 3rd Somehow I seem to have the desire to write a lot these days... It's hard to say why exactly. Today I took a bit of resting. I initially wanted to watch a long tutorial on how to work with this video editor, and after watching it make notes and put it to practice, but I decided to take a walk first instead because I felt like reinvigorating myself in nature and perhaps also reflecting upon some things as well. Now I still haven't gotten to this watching this tutorial part, but it feels fine to me. I can sense that up to now has not been the time to do it. Too much fatigue, and too much energy work to do too. But just now I did realize that me "learning how to learn" opens up a lot of possibilities in my life. This resistance against learning things by memorizing and having to learn new skillsets has always been a huge issue for me. At least in the past 6 years or so. I remember that at one point during a video game I was playing (OSRS) I had to learn to fight a new boss. I had to learn it because it was algned with my account goals, but I can remember I was so incredibly stressed out about having to learn the mechanics that I just postponed it a lot but meanwhile I did feel this pressure to continue my account's progression, as I couldn't really grow my account that much more until I had defeaten this boss. I remember that it was just incredibly stressful because there was such a massive amount of resistance against me having to learn it. I eventually did do it, but not after having suffered a great amount under this pressure of "needing to learn it". Fortunately, this resistance against learning new skillsets is ever so slowly subsiding away more and more. It's still there for sure, but now I'm starting to come to a place where sometimes there's an opening for me to go and deal with it and push myself through it. Before, this opening wasn't really there and I really had to act upon raw force for me to be able to overcome. Now there's still the pressure of this stress, but also at times an opening that allows me to not remain completely identified with this stress whilst I am working at learning a new skillset. I do have to do it with lots of rest and grace periods in between, though. And also I have to sort of plan it out how I'm going to do it. Sometimes I feel the need to make a plan of action, and to also account as much for possible unexpected problems that get me sidetracked. I have to plan what I'm going to do when I get sidetracked, or if a new problem turns up. If such a thing does happen, it often instantly can trigger a great amount of stress and resistance and also the identification with it. In that case, often the best thing for me to do is to do some energy work that can work on releasing this distress, and then perhaps take a walk and reflect upon what the newest best course of action is to deal with this new, unexpected situation. So I have to be very methodical and organized about it otherwise I can easily get overwhelmed and then the danger exists that I don't go through with it at all because it's too stressful. Disorganization can also be a huge factor for me getting distressed, so I also have to sort of plan on how to keep things organized and structured, so that I don't get too confused and overwhelmed in the process. So if I keep this up and approach this situation of learning new skillsets with a combination of intelligence, sensitivity and diligence, a whole new array of possibilities open up for me that I didn't have access to before because there was too much resistance and stress in learning it, and too much identification with this resistance, and consequently as a sort of survival mechanism also a lot of identification or attachment to the idea of non-attachment, actually. The notion that no single thing can ever be too important, that true peace comes from within, that everything has its own time and own seasons to develop (and that that time is not now). Reasons like that that made me cope with my inability to learn new things and to act up. I feel like all of that has had it own place, but I also feel like now I am slowly moving into a new era, where I have let go of enough of this resistance that I can slowly make work of learning new things and skillsets, instead of being overwhelmed by them and reverting back to a mode of laziness and the ideal of detachment. In time, I hope that I can learn skillsets such as learning to play a guitar, and learning the mechanics of these OSRS bosses not just by knowledge, but also by practice and skill. And learning how to properly navigate my video editing program. And learning how to dye my clothes properly, which was a goal I had set out for a while but haven't done because there seemed to be too many factors and info. All of these things will all be opened up in the future if I "learn how to learn". It is still stressful, but in time I can feel like I can do it. But it is important to take it slow and to be patient. Not too slow and patient, though. I do want to make a little side-note. As I had said yesterday night (or technically this night, actually), I want to be much more keen on not being caught by surprise anymore. That's why I do want to state a little reminder for myself that it is possible that this vision that I have for myself that I am "learning to learn" is actually a delusion and it will stay the way it has been for a lot longer or perhaps indefinitely. I know, what a way to end such a positive post, right? I don't expect that it will happen the way I'm describing in this paragraph, but the possibility is always there so I don't want to fully assume it's going to happen, but I at the same time also don't want to sabotage myself by making a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy because I wanted to be careful. I doubt that will happen, though. I just want to be honest about what could potentially be possible.

Saturday November 2nd (part 2) I had decided to leave the previous post with that final statement without trying to supplement reasons or logic that would make it seem less heavy. Even though there are many valid counterarguments as to why it doesn't need to happen the way I fear, I think sometimes you just want to stand naked in front of your fears and not try to look away from it in any way whatsoever; Even if the other things you're looking at wouldn't be structures of self-delusion. That's what I decided to do with my previous post. I want to reiterate a little bit more on yesterday. I feel satisfied with my level of proactivity from yesterday. I have worked on working with the editor to create my first test video of a vocal cover I did. I don't think it is something I'm willing to upload, but I'm glad I took the necessary time and effort to learn it and get it done. Now it's finally there. It feels nice to have pushed through with something for once and to have gotten something done all the way. I intially though I already had it done, but then I realized that I had stupidly forgotten to add a instrumental backing track of the song to the video, so I took another 45 minutes or so to put that all tightly together. I also had decided to sing a song in my local karaoke bar that same evening, and to go to the 24/7 gym that night, in which I did some intense but short-lived work-out. So all in all quite a productive day. It feels nice to have had such a day for a change for once. Especially because there was nobody pushing or telling me to do it and I did it all through my own initiative and willpower. That same evening I also got a bit bothered with my tendency for my tic with my eyes again. I then realized that it shouldn't be my intention to get rid of it but to let go of it, which doesn't translate to action but to attitude. Then I went to my bedroom and processed this compulsory blockage by going into the feeling of it, and I felt like I released quite a bit of this tension through the means of energetical/physical discharge. I felt a little bit silly that I had been thinking so much about how to get rid of it or how to deal with it, and then had completely forgotten about this possibility for energetical release which I had done many times in the past before. This energetical release seems like the most effective way to let go of this compulsion. Though it's not completely done and over with just yet, I am glad that I remembered this was a thing. I feel stupid for not having this done earlier, but perhaps I wouldn't have had as much access to it as I did now. I don't really know that for sure.

November 2nd (it is written on November the 3rd but I reckon it's better to write down the day that it's about) I want to have a very honest moment. After going to the gym this night (24/7 gym) and not feelng very motivated, and feeling like I don't want to pursue going to the gym anymore entirely, I got a bit frustrated with myself that this should have come as a surprise. I'm not sure if I'll quit the gym or not, but why I am surprised when this way of having a fantasy, putting lots of effort in it and then suddenly the energy for the fantasy deflates and I don't care for it anymore. Why am I surprised that this is now what seems to be happening even though it has happened so many times before? Perhaps this pattern will change, but perhaps it doesn't and perhaps it also doesn't have to. But it shouldn't come as a surprise. But this frustration led me to thinking about in which other areas in my life I may not have been very sincere towards myself. And that is this: On a psychedelic mushroom trip I did a couple of weeks back, I experienced a vision in which I got to envision that I would go through another period of despair and hopelessness before finally breaking the bubble and coming to a state of peace. In hindsight, I am totally unable to judge whether I was experiencing the projection of the deeper layers of my unconscious, or that I was shown a higher vision from the Higher self or whatever. In other words: I don't know if what I was seeing or imagining was something that was closer to the truth or further away from the truth. It was just such a mindfuck that I just can't make sense of the nature or validity of the experience. Judging in hindsight, it seemed like a sort of psychosis... but this is only judging in hindsight and perhaps I was in fact in a higher state of consciousness and now my lower state of consciousness is trying to dismiss what I was seeing. But I have to acknowledge that the possibility exists that I would need to face another period of deep hopelessness and despair. It is possible.

November 2nd 2019 (but about november the 1st) Today I felt a sense of responsibility that I had to work on editing or recording a song. There was also a feeling of guilt still that lingered within me that drove me to do this, but I primarily just felt this sense of responsibility. Once again I felt that sensation where despite there being some resistance, there was also now the space or energy available within me that could be used to overcome and work on this resistance. I had been thinking about how I handled this situation yesterday. As you can see in the previous post, I had certainly some logic that would've suported not trying to go for recording or editing a song, but still it feels as if I allowed myself to get sidetracked a bit more than what would've probably been wise to do so. I think the key difference today is that when I felt some more resistance coming up, or the need to do some energy work, that this time I didn't see it as a sign that I needed to stop this ambition of recording or editing a song altogether, but that I saw it as a temporary break and that I would not forget the intention. I feel like it was perhaps unwise to forget about the intention yesterday. However, maybe it is simply my guilt speaking here, instead of my higher self. It is really hard to say for sure. I reckon it's best not to make too big of a deal out of it. So today I tried to sing "breaking the habit" from Linkin Park, my all-time favorite artist. I love that song. It has so much power to it. The original octave I cannot do, as Chester ((ex) lead-singer of Linkin park) has naturally a much higher voice than me. I was pleased to find out though that at least initially I could the high notes that Chester did, but I know that I don't have the stamina to sing the entire song that high. So as I had done before, I used a program to turn down the song by a semi-tone or half an octave. Eventually I still got too tense and tight when I eventually did try to record, so I couldn't sing the song the entire way through, but that was fine, as I had practiced at least quite a bit today, and there was another project I could work on for the remainder of the time. I had decided that I could work on a song that I already had recorded all the way through a couple of months back. Originally I had discarded it, but now I had decided that it was at least a worthwhile objective to make a finished product out of the song. It allows me to finally get started with the second half of the steps I need to take to make a vocal youtube cover instedad of always stranding at the first half of the steps I need to take. I had both the video's and the original audio recording from my professional mic. I do think I am missing a secondary camera angle, though, which I don't think I was using yet at that time. That might be a bit of an issue, as I tend to sometimes get identified with worries (such as expressing a tic) whilst I am singing and this can be physically reflected through what people are seeing through the video. It may make it look quite a bit more awkward. With a secondary camera angle you have the oppurtunity to mask such insecurities. However, I do think I had some good takes in it anyway. And maybe even if some of these insecurites are visible... mabe upload it anyway. Though, it's really not to say if I will upload it or not anyway. The main objective now is just to get that video created, to get the final product. So today, besides the attempt to record a song, I also started to sort out some of my old footage I still had like I said. I have made a start of trying to figure out how the editing software works that I am using. I also had a moment at the beginning of the evening where I felt like maybe now it was best to stop the whole learning and trying to edit thing, and I had multiple pretty good reasons to stop it, but for some reason I just felt the urge to not let myself get carried by these excuses (again, still good excuses), and to go to my PC and continue working on it anyway. Normally I would've in 95% of the cases not gone after it, but this time I did. I'm not saying this is good or bad... I'm just noting it. Perhaps this is an attitude that can be used more often from now on, or perhaps this attitude is actually harmful... Or perhaps it's neither good or bad but just a decision. What to say about it... I also thought just a moment ago before I started writing how I haven't been meditating or doing mindfulness in quite a long time. Is this a poor way of acting on my part? Or is this just how it's supposed to be? There may have been a couple of moments where meditation or mindfulness happened on its own accord, but I haven't done it as a conscious practice in a very long time. I wonder how I am meant to look at that. I feel like it's worthwhile to try to go to an organized free meditation hour that runs on every friday in my city from now on again, just to see how that works out. It may not be necessary or helpful actually, but I have the feeling it's probably better to experiment with it than to not experiment with it. I can also see if there is some space to try mindfulness or meditation on my own time; Let's see how that goes.

I think amongst all of this it is important to remember that it is possible to learn from everyone; Including bad coaches. I feel like everyone has something great to share or to teach, even if that is only a minority of all that they're teaching. If you're not just simply naive and buying everything they say at face value, if you're simply not doing that, then it's still possible to learn a lot from even the worst of people. Be open yet vigilant. So don't forget that. The quality of the coach matters, but what is equally important or perhaps even more important is the attitude you bring towards this coach. It is for instance very easy to dismiss someone when they say something or do something that goes against your beliefs or expectations. In that way, you're not really going to find any coach that is suitable whatsoever— even if you actually meet very great people.

two practical tips: put your alarm clock further away in the room so that you have to get up and actually walk towards it. The second one is to set two alarms 10 minutes apart from each other. The first alarm is to wake you up, and then in the next 10 minutes you can take time to prepare for the next alarm, in which you will have to get out of bed and stay out of bed. Also, be aware of your thoughts which can create resistance towards getting you out of bed. And once the second alarm rings, just don't think about it anymore and just go. Personally I prefer no thoughts about it over positive thoughts about it. Alternatively or complementary, contemplate if what you're currently doing in your life right now is really what you want to be doing right now in this stage of your life. If you are doing something right now that is not aligned with your purpose, it indeed will make it much harder for you to get out of bed.

October 31st I now seem to often be visited by a feeling that is a combination of guilt and a sort of loominess or even a sort of hopelessness. It is not necessarly so much a hopelessness of despair, but more a feeling that whatever I'm going to try is pointless, yet at the same time another part of me is in there that feels guilty when I don't try. So there's a bit of conflict going on. Today for example, I had the intention that I wanted to go and record a song. I felt like doing this or at least I didn't feel much resistance towards at at the moment I woke up, but after having had a breakfast I felt much more resistance, and I decided that it was best not do try it anymore. It is interesting how I find it difficult to accept for myself that I have made this decision, even though I should know by now by experience that trying to do it anyway isn't going to make things necessarily make me feel better in the long run. I could stll try it, but more and more I feel aversion towards going against my intuitive predisposition. I can still try new things and act upon my will, but I feel like it calls for a space for that change to occur. It is difficult for me to actually accept myself and allow myself to not take initiative towards something if I have decided not to. Even though I know that there aren't more valid reasons to actually try to go and do it anyway, it is still difficult for me to accept when I choose to not go after something. Guilt has been playing up quite a bit lately, as if what I've been doing hasn't been enough, as if I have been too lazy and too undisciplined. That's what the voice says. There may be truth in the voice that says to go and do something, but just as well there may be truth in the voice that tells that I shouldn't. Or perhaps there isn't any truth in both. Because if I can just let go of the guilt and not care about whether I choose A or B, does it really then matter at all? There's just a bit of worry in my life right now. I see that there is some fear regarding if things may start going the wrong way again. I seem a bit more identified with these worries unlike a couple of weeks back. At the same time, I have been taking action also. Things have been happening, be it not at an incredible fast pace, but things have been happening and ever so slowly I am taking initiative towards new things or projects. But somehow it keeps on feeling as if not enough has been happening, or as if I am being too lazy... Maybe it's best to not have any judgement about that feeling, be it negative or positive, but just to see that this is what is happening. Just to note it; Not to judge it or try to resolve it. And if I am honest about it... Is this worry really going to help me also? Is there maybe a belief in me that this worry is worthy of holding onto? Maybe it makes me feel that by worrying and by feeling guilty it perhaps gets me more inclined to actually take action... But the thing is that it rarely ever seems to, though. In fact, when I wanted to record a song today when I woke up in the morning, I didn't want it because I felt guilty and I felt like I had to. I felt within me the space that I could take action towards it so it seemed like a worthwhile objective. The guilt only comes now where I had decided to go after some gaming objective instead of recording that song, because my mood changed in the course of the day and I felt a much greater degree of resistance towards recording that song. Only now I feel guilty that I haven't done that. But at the same time I have worked on a certain objective in gaming which I also had found it previously very difficult to get myself to. I don't think there's really any point in trying to resolve this guilt by logic. It just feels as if there's nothing I can do about the fact that I feel this guilt. That's an insight I had a while back: That it's not about what this feeling of guilt or confusion says it's about, but it's about the feeling of guilt and confusion itself. It's the opposite of what the Buddha said actually (but of course, this is a different context): Don't look at what the finger is pointing to, but look at the finger itself! That which is being spoken about is not what's the fundamental problemhere. That which is speaking is the fundamental problem. And maybe this is actually where I just want to leave it at. Leave it unresolved, and maybe not try to resolve it either. Just let it be and whatever...

October 27th I've just became aware of the fact that I tend to hold myself back in many areas because I regard myself as special. This sense of specialness inhibits myself from feeling as if I belong or fit into a situation. It evokes in me the idea that what I am and what I have to give and what I do will affect people to a great degree, and that I then do not carry the strength within myself to be able to own up to the gifts and power that I have. It is a weird mixture of pride in shame. I don't think I do a good job in explaining it very well, frankly. Let me try to explain it better. For some time now I've had the feeling that I'm a special soul with very rare and intense spiritual powers. I've really tried to doubt this idea and tried to dismantle it through self-inquiry and trying to look at it from different perspectives, but to no real avail. Part of what seemed to confirm this idea to me that I'm a special soul is that I visited a guru over one year ago at a festival and when I walked into the room this guru made a quick bow to me in a room full of people, whilst I wasn't really doing anything special but just being there. I did feel like I was in some heightened energetical state then, however. Another time is when I went to a satsang of Adyashanti and he seemed to look at me intently and for quite a long time, which I interpreted that he was able to see my "specialness". I could try to deny it with more reasons and try to argue against it, but I feel like this will fail irregardless anyways. Objectively speaking, I really do feel that I comparetively have very rare and unusually high energetical and spiritual capacities within me that are perhaps 1 out of a million or rarer. In fact, to completely sincere, it feels sometimes that I have the capacity to become someone with the same energetical frequency as a supreme avatar like a jesus or buddha or something. I have tried many times to dismantle it as a narcissistic egoic delusion, but to no real avail. So I have to come clean, maybe not to what it truly is, but to what it feels like to me. This doesn't feel like me bragging or making a certain identity for myself. It feels like a confession; something that I haven't really been willing to accept fully or express up until now. Fuck this shit, I'm going all-out. I'm done holding back. I don't care anymore, I'm gonna say it: I feel like I have the capacity to become another jesus-like figure, or an Osho, or a buddha. Along the same lines of that kind of spiritual power and frequency. Maybe even a greater spiritual frequency than they had. I feel like I have it within me. I see it within myself when I look in the mirror. I see it in myself when I take pictures of myself. I have gotten what I considered to be outer confirmation by two different spiritual teachers. I don't think I am willing to go as far to say that I know for sure that I will be another jesus-like figure, but I very strongly feel that I will at least approximate his spiritual frequency, or that I already have it to some degree (but for a large part however too afraid to show it and own up to it). People will think I'm a lunatic, people will think I've lost the plot when I would start claiming that I would be another Jesus-like figure. But I cannot deny it anymore. If I let go of my doubting and hesitating mind for a moment, then I will confirm to you that it is so. I am another Jesus. Not of course Jesus himself, not his reincarnated soul (I don't think so at least), but another individual who has the capacity to reach the same energetical and spiritual frequency and vibration, and perhaps even higher. I think it's very important for me to own up to the fact that this is so or at least that I feel this way about it. Yes, in a relative sense I am special because I have a very high spiritual vibration or at least potential withn me. I need to acknowledge this fact. I need to stop pretending like it is not so. in fact, I think I need to stop even doubting or questioning it, because at this point any form of questioning or doubting just seems to be a holding back. It is better for me to actually say that it is so. So if I am in this relative, comparative sense a special person, then how am I going to prevent me from taking an egoic narcissistic position about it? I think the best way to that may be by reminding myself that in the absolute view of things I am absolutely normal. To have a lot of spiritual and emotional depth is normal. To make decisions that seem erratic and eclectic or even absurd to others is normal, as long as the decision is a conscious, meditated decision. Then it's normal. If the majority of the people acts a certain way but it's an unconscious reflex, then it's not normal. To be a conscious person who makes conscious decisions is normal, irregardless whether the majority of humanity does it or agrees with it or not. In order to not feel this specialness anymore about the objective fact that my spiritual vibration is extraordinarily rare in relative sense compared to other human beings on this planet earth, I will have to redefine my idea about what it means to be normal. To be normal is to not react through the Ego but through spirit. Having a strong connection to spirit is normal. Being lost in egoic delusion is abnormal. "average" is not what normal is defined by. Normal is egolessness. And the less ego there is, the more spirit is able to come through. And that is perfectly normal. A jesus is perfectly normal. A buddha is perfectly normal. An Osho is perfectly normal. The most enlightened avatars who have ever set foot on the earth were the most normal people the planet ever had. The most ordinary people. The most simple, unassumng people. There is nothing special about them at all. In fact, they were of the most least special people. Nothing to them. Just ordinary human beings. What can I help it that 99% of humanity chooses an abnormal egoic insanity? To think about normalness in this new way is a relief. It makes me feel like I'm the ordinary person who just so happens to not be average because he so happens to be born in a world where it so happens to be that 99% of the people choose to live primarily through the ego. I could have been born in a world where I was the spiritually immature one. It just so happened not to be. A mantra I'd like to say more often to myself right now is just to repeat: "I am normal. What I am doing is normal. I am normal. What I am doing is normal" and so on. I feel like I need to kind of hypnotize myself into believing that I'm a normal person so I can actually start to feel connected with other people as there's not gap between us anymore. Because if I were to be extraordinary, then how can I connect with the ordinary? This gap, this seperation would've made it impossible. But if I can get to think about myself as a completely normal and ordinary person, I can actually start to connect with other people because I would feel like we are the same and we belong together. Yes, I am normal. Completely ordinary. Nothing special about me. What a relief.

A weak question often has the assumption that you already know the answer, and the only thing why you're asking it is because you want to understand the details of it, so you can further entrench yourself in the assumption that you already made, which is an assumption you don't know for certain that it is actually true. A strong question would make you more ignorant instead of more knowledgeable. A strong question looks at the underlying assumptions that you are having in your life, and you then ask: "Do I really know for certain that this is actually true or not?". A strong question does not create knowledge but in fact destroys it. A weak question has its roots in past conditionings, and therefore the answers that come out of this question can not be original and fresh. A strong question invites the unknown; A weak question tries to hide from the unknown. So when you're asking a question, be aware of why you're asking it: Are you asking it because you are afraid of what is not known, and you'd like to get more logic so you can cover up the holes in your mental belief system so that it may appear to be more stable, or are you asking the question because you actually want to know the truth of the situation? When you are inquiring for the truth of the situation, what you will often end up with is seeing how you have NOT been truthful, and this will open you up to see new perspectives beyond your old paradigm because previously you were too myopic and attached to be able to see that there were other possibilities.

Well, in this day and age there is no necessity anymore really to seek out a guru to be with physically. The internet is full of guru's you can watch video's of, or you can read (e-)books on their work. So the necessity of physical closeness has largely been abolished. However, that does not mean that having a guru to be close with on a personal level wouldn't be very helpful. It gives you an oppurtunity for someone to open your heart to, and the guru can personally direct you with the ignorance you're dealing with, instead of you personally seeking out advice over the internet, which is much less personally directed and therefore has a much greater possibility of misleading you —which ultimately usually has to do a lot more with your own ignorance than it has to do with the truth of the statement or advice. I myself however have not found such a guru to be physically close with. Perhaps it's not my path to be with one. The absence of having a personal connection with a guru can however greatly teach you the value of self-directedness and the creativity that is required to shape and understand your own path. Yes, it has made me very creative and innovative. And self-reliant; independent. Being with a guru has its pros and cons, and so does not having a guru. But don't forget that just having a capable life coach or someone like that, or even a good friend, can already act as a great facilitator and mirror for your personal growth.

October 16th I just had a conversation with an old friend of mine. Well... the oldness of this friendship dates back from before we were 12, but since then we haven't really been friends anymore. I have had a conversation with him a year earlier aswell in the same setting: meeting at a café. I was quite bothered about a tic I was having which sometimes resulted in me losing focus during the conversation for just a moment. It goes accompanied with a wave of fear, this tic. This tic is basically that I feel the tendency to roll with my eyes at certain moments. It feels as if that when I am not able to give expression to it at that moment, the feeling keeps on nagging at me until I give into it. It bothers me that it's sometimes seemingly silly things like this that prevent me from getting into a flow with for instance a conversation with another person. I was reasonably uncomfortable during this conversation for a large part because of this tic. in a conversation like that, a tic like this draws more attention or stands out more to the other person which makes me obsess more over it. I've contemplated upon this before. My conclusion then was to sort of stop myself from the need to do anything in particular at all with this tic. If you feel the need to express this tic coming up, either express it or don't, but don't start thinking or worrying about it. If it looks weird to others and it makes you look less confident or grounded, then just be okay with appearing that way to other people. I seriously just wanna be okay with owning up to it. I think a problem might be that this compulsion doesn't add up to the sort of identity I believe myself to be as a grounded, confident person, and my desire to be perceived that way. A tic might indicate energetical weakness or vulnerability to another person. So I think I need to woerk on two things: I gotta own up to the fact, including in social settings, that I have this compulsion from time to time. I want to make this okay for other people to notice it, and not be afraid of the fact that other people will notice and may judge me for it. Be bold and unashamed about it. This is part of who I am, so take it or leave it. This is something I'm dealing with, and I'm not going to try and hide it any longer or hope that they don't notice, or fear what they may think of it. And if I get distracted by it and it makes me lose my focus and it makes the whole situation look all weird and awkward, then be okay with that, too. Same for me easily getting distracted. For some reason, I get easily distracted in a conversation if there's for instance a sound nearby or even music or something like that, I tend to sometimes lose focus and that too can make me look a little bit less grounded and weaker. This too I would like to become more unashamed about.

October 12th Let's see... So I'm in a situation where I wanted to do volunteer work at a center in which is literally translated as "Center of meeting in life questions". Unfortunately, for whatever reason, they don't really seem to be responding to me. I had initially given myself up as a potential internship. When that wasn't possible, I asked if I could volunteer instead (as I had decided to quit my study). However, I haven't heard anything from them since. I have called them, send another email, send a whatsapp... No reply just yet (but maybe there will be one once I check my phone, as it's a new day and I haven't checked it yet). This lack of communication provokes in me a certain anger and also an insecurity. It makes me quickly start to wonder whether I have not communicated properly. I tend to be rather blunt in my written communication, sometimes with little regard to social norms. I just really dislike the idea of needing to supplicate in order to get a position. I just like to tell people what's up. It is direct and honest, but I always do keep an eye out that I am at least respectful. I don't know whether or not my tendency to be a bit blunt is the reason they haven't communicated back to me yet. To be fair, usually I do get a response when I communicate that way and it isn't always a bad one. It just triggers a part in me when I then don't get back a response. I then start projecting. I feel that it's really unfortunate as this place seemed to be the almost perfect fit for me to volunteer at. I'm really disappointed. But this anger does trigger in me potential to be creative, to learn new things, to find new pathways. I had made a walk yesterday evening in which I reflected that what should now be the best way to go about taking my next step. I decided that I needed to let go for a large part of this place I tried to volunteer at, and seek out other options so I could start detaching from this life question center. I am not completely crossing it off as an option yet, but I do realize the significance of detaching myself and seeking out other options. So yesterday evening it sparked in me this sense of wanting to be proactive more than I had ever been before. I considered how I was going to find a place that was similair to this. I considered that I could make a plan how to methodically search, how I could approach certain people, call certain people, search google in a intelligent, methodical way... I felt the desire to be more proactive than I'd ever been before. No more was I going to let myself be floated along with the current. I always used to be passive about these kinds of things. Whatever was easy and close enough and seemed to happen to me from whatever others would suggest, I would take it. Now I want to let go of this Yin attitude, and start finding something for myself, doing actual deep and proper research. I really lack many orange qualities. Which is interesting, because I am very well-developed in both green and yellow, and even a bit of turquoise. But in order to integrate turquoise properly, I have to resolve the parts of me which have remained underdeveloped and malnourished. So now I have to create some orange qualities within me of proactivity, structuring, planning, organizing, practicing... I never used to do that much because I always had prefered the attitude of wanting to detach rather than wanting to create.

It can become a sort of attachment. If there's anything that is regarded as overly significant in your life, you will start attaching yourself to it. It then start becoming a problem, particularly when for whatever reason the substance won't be available to you anymore (for instance, you are send to prison). Life, God or Existence has provided us with external tools that can help us guide and accelerate our awakening. However, all of these tools can at some point become more important than the Being that observes it. That's when it becomes a problem. To insist that we must awaken alone without the use of any external means, be it a technique, be it psychedelics, be it a guru, be it knowledge, is ignorant. To insist that enlightenment or awakening is solely or primarily dependent on any form of an external means, is equally ignorant. yes, even if it's 5-MeO-DMT or this "super psychedelic" Leo has been talking about. It has its purpose, but also its limitations. I'd say it's about 50/50. Make use of external knowledge, techniques, gurus, psychedelics and so forth to accelerate your awakening, but pay equally as much attention to the souls need to detach yourself from these external means so that it can come to know that it itself is inherently enlightened and free. Because to rely on any external means for our awakening is a sort of bondage, a sort of restraint of our freedom. Yet, at the same time, if we try to deny our need for it we'll end up in a bigger mess. Freedom from any external events or means is the ultimate, but it is not the path. The path requires you to become attached to external means to come to know what the freedom from it means. I myself for instance had to take more than a year of detaching myself and grounding myself after my first use of psychedelic mushrooms before I could feel the readiness to do it again. Yes, it's very paradoxical. Simply understand that there is a time to use and rely on the use of external means, and that there is a time to renounce it and find value, freedom and peace inherently within yourself. If you take either one to far to an extreme, you will end up creating unnecessary suffering for yourself.

I'm soon going to make a long and probably quite a controversial topic on the notion of suicide, or suicidality. IU've worked on it already a bit, but I'm not done yet. Right now I'm busy with other processes so it has stalled for a little bit, but it's probably going to come out in a couple of days. I have made a previous post on the topic of suicidality some two years ago, which I will link you to. However: Note that this was two years ago that I had written this, and my understanding about suicide and suicidality has deepened significantly. I had a tremendous insight into the nature of suicidality almost a year ago. But I will give you the link anyways since it may still very wel help you. Read the rest of my reply though before you click the link. https://psychcentralforums.com/depression/494523-whats-point-potent-reasons-choose-life-over.html?fbclid=IwAR3tWuDHuDFT7OOAxaMkoK8RN3xPC164po7qQ2rXEK0EjPqc43wkbonkeAM The important difference as to regard with my understanding about suicide or suicidality then and my understanding about it now, is that I've completely veered off from the idea that suicide is something that needs to be prevented, something that is evil, something that is bad and you should not do. In my realization I had almost a year ago, I realized that there is actually nothing objectively bad about the decision to commit suicide. You inherently have the freedom to do so, and God or existence will not punish you for committing it. If you commit suicide, it is my feeling that you will end up in a new incarnation in which you then get to choose the ideal conditions for your next life, also having taken into account how you have acted (including your decision to commit suicide) in your previous life. I'm not saying you will necessarily be better off in your next life —as what has not been resolved in the previous life has to be resolved in the next one, or the one after, or the one after, or the one after... It all depends whenever you decide to choose to allow spirit to guide you instead of your ego-based identity. But... suicide won't make it worse also. The unconsciousness in which you allow yourself to be possessed by that moves you to the decision to commit suicide will make it worse, but it is my feeling that the very act of suicide itself is neither good or bad. It just is. Nobody or nothing is going to punish you for the decision to commit suicide. But the ego-mind which you had decided to cling to prior to the final act of self-imposed death will make a vengeance, as suicide has not permanently resolved its identification with it. But you may get a temporary relief up until the point that the ego-mind starts re-establishing itself in the next level you are going to play in the game called life. So the whole problem with trying to prevent others or ourselves from committing suicide is that we do not understand that the ultimate purpose of life is not about survival. Whether we decide to commit suicide or not is not essential. The ego doesn't permanently evaporate when we commit suicide, but for the same coin our ego also doesn't leave us if we persist in continuing in our ego-based struggles where we insist that we must survive life at every cost, even though our life may be an almost continuous torment. In fact, to insist that we must survive life at all costs is, if we really think about it in a clear objective way, simply an absolute insanity! Because life is not about survival! It's ultimate purpose is awakening, not survival! What's the point of merely trying to survive, trying to stay positive, trying to fend off reasons and feelings that seem to support quitting the game, and trying to find and attach ourselves to reasons that seem to support our continuation of the game? (In actuality, it is the level we're quitting, but most people believe they will quit the game altogether, which I feel is impossible). Now to answer your questions: Is suicide always unconscious or possibly justified at higher stages of development at a particular context? Good question. I have heard stories about sages willfully leaving their own body because they have decided that their work is done for that particular incarnation. The stories have said however that they don't leave the body by doing something crude like hanging themselves, but that they can consciously leave their body through leaving it through the navel, as so I've heard. So I think that indeed at higher stages it can be justified. In fact, even at lower levels of consciousness if you really focus your energy and will to succeed in this one goal of taking your own life, it is in a way of looking at it more justified or at least more respectable than those who end up committing suicide in a fit of desperation. I myself had a time where I had very willfully tried to focus my energies to take my own life, trying to make it a very conscious and deliberate act. As you can tell, I had not succeeded but I really tried to devote myself to doing it. It is my feeling that if I had had succeeded in taking my own life this same spirit of devotion would have greatly benefited my next life, as opposed to doing it in a sort of eruption of repressed suicidal feelings whilst in a fit of despair. I'm not saying I would have been better off had I committed suicide, and probably not worse also. But now it has turned out to be that I get to use this same spirit of devotion in my current incarnation. True and internalized understanding of the nature of suicidality however ceases to allow any feelings of suicidal despair to ever pervade your being again. And total understanding comes only with total acceptance. In other words: if you are capable of truly and fully accepting the idea that you would or could commit suicide, that you are completely okay with it towards yourself, you would not fear it nor resist it, and thereby paradoxically the whole suicidal desire dissipates. Therefore, my devotion of me trying to commit suicide was not total; there was still judgement and resistance. Because if it was total, I would have come to total peace with my decision to do it. And if I were to come to total peace, then who wants to commit suicide when he is completely peaceful? Then the whole idea seems absurd. People at very high stages of consciousness however can decide not out of despair but out of a simple, calm understanding that this life has been outlived and that they can choose to leave their body at will to go on to the next journey. Perhaps other older people who are not as consciously developed can choose not out of despair but out of tiredness that also they have been long enough in the body and that they want leave it. But I'm not really sure about it, though. Is there a time period of going through a form of hell for the ego mind/body that commits an unconscious form of suicide that settles one's energies in order for them to be able give birth to another form of existence? If so how long does it approximately last according to human time understanding? I can't really be entirely sure but I doubt it. Not after you're already dead, I feel. Or otherwise not very long after it. However, I have heard a guru that I have a lot of respect for say that whatever your emotional state is at the time of death, it will be magnified 100x more (don't take the number too literal; I doubt it's mathematically completely accurate). So if there's bliss at that moment, bliss will be magnified 100x more, and if there's anguish, it will be magnified 100x more. Perhaps it is accurate to say that whatever egoic patterns you're holding in your body-mind structure that has been developed throughout this incarnation will have to be evaporated within a very short time span in order to release your soul from the body (which means it will be very intense for a short period of time for it to be released), and then even more deeply embedded unconscious egoic patterns that have been ingrained in the soul-level you take with you to the next incarnation —whether these egoic patterns already existed in you from previous incarnations or were created in this incarnation. That's my feeling about it, but I'm not totally sure about it. Is there a hierarchical principle of stages of life achievements and personal development at which one dies or commits suicide that determine what will one reincarnate as in samsara after some time? For example if I kill myself now at 22 having not worked a day in my life and not contributing almost nothing to society and still having pretty bad habits of being lazy will I reincarnate for example as a simpler form of life a worm or some plant and how in that context does one through the process of samsara earn to become human again? I don't think you will ever devolve this far down the line, if devolution is at all possible to begin with. That, I doubt too. My understanding in this area has yet to grow further, though. Neither not contributing to society nor being lazy nor even killing yourself I think will create negative karma. Understand the difference between the act and the quality of which you're doing it by. No act in itself creates negative karma. Any act that may seem to be valuable or honorable by standards of society but is done from a place of ego WILL create negative karma. Karma is not a punishment also; It is you allowing yourself to get more entrenched in the egoic position and thereby creating more pain in the future for yourself as there is more egoic holding patterns you have created for yourself to be detached from, which is always inevitably painful. Your quality of consciousness decides what is righteous and what is not. If you commit yourself now to the lazy life —as I had to do too— you are ought to create many valuable traits within yourself that is associated with the particular polarity in which you are devoting yourself to. Laziness can, amongst other things, be a form of guarding your own space and rediscovering your inner truth. Later down the line when the pendelum swings you towards the polarity of activity, then all the assets you have learned during your phase of laziness will then be put to use. So you are now growing the roots so that later on the tree can blossom much more vividly.

I'm happy for you . I feel a certain sense of delight within me as I read you having overcome this obstacle through the act of being incredibly courageous. I genuinly love to read it. Don't forget that this is only the first step, but a very important one nevertheless.

I don't know what to say to this... Sorry, couldn't resist . Yeah it sometimes happens to me too. I think sometimes a silence is required for letting a new high-quality answer arise. Many people however tend to want to fill this silence with nonsense because they lack sensitivity. You could learn to go on speaking forever and ever but what you say won't necessarily have more quality to it

October 2nd 2019 Alright, so... Where to begin? I've contemplated upon the matter of taking action, of disciplining myself, of willfully choosing to get something done even if it's not that comfortable. One of the things I've realized why there is so much resistance against structure, against perseverance, against discipline, is the fact that I really like freedom. Freedom may just be my highest value. Why is structure, persistence or discipline against freedom (or at least appears to be as such to me)? Well, the reason is if you try to live in a structured manner, and attach value to this notion of structure, it means that anything that deviates from this structure is not acceptable to you. That means that if you are supposed to do something according to the structure you have set for yourself, at that point you don't have the freedom to choose otherwise. The same applies for (long-term) persistance, the same applies to an extent to discipline as well. My body/soul/mind system is a system in which its energies can sometimes be very dominant and strong. If I am meant to do something but I am at that point very overwhelmed by strong feelings or resistance patterns, then it is already very difficult —although usually able— for me to do something disciplinary to begin with, and then on top of that there is this strong resistance that comes forth out of my desire for freedom. I don't want to be constrained by obligations; I detest it. Especially not inner obligations. As far as outer obligations are concerned, I have a certain capacity to allow myself to be ruled by obligations from the outer as long as I have willfully chosen for myself to be in such a situation. Though, even this capacity is usually not that big. This perhaps attachment to freedom explains why my reflex is that I'd like to detach from a desire rather than to overcome the obstacles to fulfill the desire. If I feel a certain resistance, I tend to want to say to myself that I'd like to detach from it and that a point will come where I'm detached enough to eventually naturally start acting and taking action, once the resistance has been eroded away —much of it due to doing inner work. However, however nice this statement may sound, sometimes it feels like I can wait forever until I come to a space in which I feel the capacity to actually start acting without any resistance. So lately, I've started to become too frustrated with all the waiting because the desire remains to act and create something that feels really valuable to me. One example for me personally would be singing: learning how to sing a song, to record and edit it, and put it on YouTube eventually So that's why I started to see if there was a way for me to start acting and getting shit done, without getting an ego backlash or being overwhelmed by resistance or... skepticism. I say skepticism because I can not simply find in myself the capacity to fully believe that grinding out a certain goal and persisting in it would be considered a good thing in my situation. The voice that demands freedom from the restrictions that persistence requires for is simply too adamant. And I am not saying that this voice that demands this freedom is necessarily something that should be considered unwanted or problematic. It has value and it has a point. I am not to dismiss it, both because I can't and because I don't think I should. However, there is another solution here. Freedom may be important, but I have started to notice that my desire to always want to detach encompasses a certain... unconscious reflex. in other words: I sometimes am allowing the perspective of the need to detach to have a say even when I could choose to act otherwise. Often the desire to detach and thus free myself from something may be completely valid and almost unavoidable, other times, the desire to detach isn't much more than a conditioned reflex which I simply follow because it has become a pattern which has become entrenched in my system. In such a case, it is my mind acting on auto-pilot, but it isn't a genuine call from my Being. What I then often encounter is the idea of resistance that then tends to block me, but at such a point I have to realize that in this case this resistance is not so much linked to an intrinsic, valid need that goes much deeper to the call of the soul —or otherwise a resistance which roots aren't reaching the deeper layers of the egoic resistance structure— but that this resistance are figments floating around in the peripheral layers of my mind, purely there because of the momentum that patterns within my system tend to have. In such a case, it is not resistance that can not be overcome either because of the fact that I am going —and to some degree recognizing within myself— against the call of my soul, or because of the fact that the egoic resistance patterns is at that point too active and overwhelming that there is no space I can find within myself to work on it. It is then a resistance that can then be overcome whilst engaging in the willful and deliberate act of engaging in disciplinary measures or less-than-accostumed tasks, that then tend to spark up resistance. But it can often only be overcome whilst engaging in action and discipline if the act is carried out with a deliberate focus and clarity. In practical terms this implies that I may have to make a plan on what I am going to do, and how I am going to do it. i need to be clear on the subsequent actions I'm going to take, otherwise it may be too easy to get confused and overwhelmed by an overload of possibilities and information. If I happen to encounter a new situation during my task at hand, which gives me lots of new input and information which is relevant to how I'm going to perform the task at hand —and if this information overload may be overwhelming— I may withdraw, do some energy work to let go of much or hopefully all of the energetical part of the resistance, and then I may take a walk in which I reflect upon the situation at hand and consider the subsequent action to take. In this way, I can proceed without necessarily letting the resistance take me over to such an extent that I give up on the task for a longer time being. This giving up on a task at hand whenever I get overwhelmed has been quite common so far. Sometimes it takes me months to return to the same task, as the way my mind has tended to interpret it was that "I wasn't ready yet", and this interpretation of 'unreadiness' I somehow project onto the longer term; as if I won't be able to return to the same task at hand until I've done weeks or months of shadow work until it would be possible again. So for now, one of the most important things for me to be aware of is the fact that there may be lots of cases where feelings of resistance may simply be peripheral and can easily be overcome. I have to be wary of the fact that my idea that I have to detach may simply be nothing more than a reflex, and possibly not something that at that point has value to it —although it could. So now I'm foreseeing for myself that I primarily simply will start looking for this space where there may be resistance against doing something, but only peripherally so where it can be overcome through a willful act of proactivity, clarity and discipline, where as before I would have rationalized that I would have needed more time to detach, even though the resistance may only have been a superficial reflex. Other than that, I feel in my life once again a much greater call for proactivity. I have been acting like driftwood for athe past couple of months. And nothing is essentially bad with driftwood. I love being driftwood sometimes; It can be very relaxing to not have to think and to not have to choose and to not have to direct your path somewhere. But it has its limitations. For one, it makes me vague and unclear. It can put me in a situation where I need to make a decision or take action upon something in my life, but I am then often procrastinating this decision or action where actually a moment of clarity, decisiveness and proactivity would be much more called for. Once again, I tend to get too much attached to the driftwood-perspective of "allowing yourself to flow" where if I feel uncomfortable with actually taking the proactive step to contemplate and decide upon a situation which requires both attention and a choice to be made, or otherwise action to be taken. I then tend to rationalize: "I feel resistance. There is no urgency to this matter. Why not wait a little bit until the resistance is eroded away and then I can make a decision about it, or then i'll take action". I feel like for instance that my desire to once again start taking magic mushrooms again has now to be manifested, that I have to start taking action to get it done and to be clear when and how I want to take these psychedelics. Previously, I was able to rationalize: "Oh but I feel a certain resistance against taking and ordering it. Perhaps it is important for this resistance to be eroded away first artally through trying to detach from it, then i can allow myself to order it and consume it". Or I was waiting until I got vacation so then i would have the time and space for the process of taking it to unfold, as "I wasn't in a hurry anyway". This argument did however have a certain validity, but now I feel like I don't want to wait much longer anymore. These excuses, I feel, will do no longer for me. And not only with that but with much more subjects I feel that action has to be taken, that a proactive decision has to be made, or that action has to be taken and it should not be procrastinated any longer. One example is getting a life coach. I probably will still have more things I could write about, but I've been typing for a long time already. Enough for today...