electroBeam

.... Speechless. Just fucking speechless. So madly speechless. So insanely speechless. Just what in the actual fuck am I doing. What games am I playing with myself. What the fuck am I doing. The games I'm playing with myself... I'm just gobsmacked. I'm just gobsmacked. You guys think this spiritual stuff is all about just being in the present moment, letting go of thoughts. All I have for you is: Look im not interested in playing those non dual games about who knows more about non duality then the other person. And quite frankly because I just think I'm gonna loose. Because I'm just deluded. And the levels I play myself are just so insane, that I can't even pretend that I have any authority in knowing whats more true then you. I've got no interest in the guru disciple, teacher student personas, I've seen, massively, in very bitter pill fashion, how hypocritical and shockingly deluded that stuff is. I'm not projecting hate towards you. I'm just expressing my innocent feelings. In this post, I'm just gonna be completely vulnerable, and give you a use case for how deluded someone can get. For all of you to look in shock and horror, and hopefully draw insights from. And this post is gonna be used for me to ground my insights in something so I remember when this trip ends. Just because it might be helpful. I'm not down anymore on the whole persona of the dude who cares about truth and gathering all these insights... im just fucken playing myself hard. Here are my insights, use them or not. What the fuck eva. Its 12am my time, and I can't sleep. I wont be sleeping tonight. Where do I start.... bahahahahahaha. I thought my ex played me, my parents played me, "the system" "the government" played me. Bahahahahahahahaha. The levels I play myself. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. EDIT: accidentally pressed enter. I'll add stuff in, within the next 1 hour. This will take me time to unpack. here is some now: I've been on this path for the last 5 years. I consider myself one of the most sincere seekers out there. I go places that others aren't willing to go. I'm willing to be ostracized for it. Attacked for it. And I have lots in the past. I've been through lots of bitter pills in the past through the spiritual path. And I wanted that. I was a bit of a masochrist. I loved revealing bitter pills. It made me feel like I was getting real progress. The progress others just aren't willing to go through. What I thought made me different to others was just how honest I was. I'm willing to sacrifice what others aren't to get enlightened. I'm willing to go through what others don't want too, even the most enlightened out there. I didn't feel like I was superior to others, infact I was well aware that this lead to a huge amount of survival problems. So I just felt like this was a personal thing of mine, doesnt make me special, but I am certainly a rare one when it comes to truth. Because I can feel everyone around me just isnt as committed as I am. They play games and tell themselves that they are. But they aren't as committed as I am. And I can freak you out, trigger you, take you down if I tried. Because I know exactly what to tell you to give you glimpses... the sorts that you are desperately trying to hide. Because I do it with myself all the fucking time. And I trigger people on a daily basis with my truth inducing bombs. And during some periods I was triggering people on here too, because I just couldn't help myself but trigger the fuck out of you because I know you're hiding something and there's nothing I love more but bursting your bubble. I started getting less interested in this site, because it was getting a bit repetitive. I just felt like I knew all the games already that people were playing on here. And they weren't interested in my help in bursting them. I would just get negative reactions from the people I tried to help. I was getting intuitions somehow that my journey needs to move to shamanic and psychedelic circles, because I started resonating with them a lot more then people on here. I just felt like they have a much deeper grasp on this pandora box we call the present moment and so naturally was attracted to hanging out with them. Although I had issues, because psychedelics weren't working that well for me. the first trips I did on both aya and san pedro were highly mild. Even though the doses were big. I told the psychedelic people that and they were dumbfounded at what was happening. My brain must have been broken. I did have 1 big trip on san pedro that I didn't tell anyone because I thought it was delusional... but it was a trip that shattered everything Leo and other spiritual teachers talk about in a radical way, and I just thought that can't be true(after the trip) (in hindsight: bahahahahahahahaha, this trip went there and infinitely deep into it, a trillion phds) I spoke to those people about non dual teachings, asking them about what God is, and they seemed clueless. And I thought it was because they didn't know much about truth. But what I further realized was it was actually because I didn't know much about truth. So I've had an infinite love awakening sober. The ego permanelty died with me. I know, off by heart, what no self feels like, what no self realization feels like, what all that tony parson crap is. I know all of that off by heart. I can mimic them with perfect accuracy because I know what that shit is inside and out. And I can also perfectly mimic the lovers on here, the ones who have realized infinite love, because I've been there. Know it super well. And the ones that talk about infinity and God. I know your shit off by heart. I don't think you're full of shit, I take in your perspective, but know there's more. I've had the realization that there are no others but me and that I'm inventing it all (sober) I've experienced sober through meditation of literally being different objects. The exact same way people describe it in salvia trips. I know that shit off by heart. Been fucking there sober. I know that the universe is infinite love, and I'm creating everything just to make that realization a trillion times more impactful (realized sober) Yet this san pedro trip absolutely fucking socked me shitless crazily insanely madly. I was getting pretty cocky, I thought these trips aren't working because I'm too enlightened and have seen it all... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (this is the part I want you guys to check out in shock and horror, the above, this is the part I want you to analyze with your eyes and feel the tragedy here, Not just my cockyness, but also having fully exhausted this path to death, beyond 99.99999999999999999% of people (and I know i might be sounding cocky suggesting this, but I'm just being honest. This is what the cactus told me, not my personal ego self... that self has been absolutely humbled to bits, to insane bits) The pedro trip starts: Well I started getting heaps of love and this idea popped in my head that I was about to have a "breakthrough" finally, and this cactus would finally start working. I'm like "yes! I'm gonna experience the "ONE" that leo keeps talking about... that whole idea where you're infinitely aware of absolutely everything and everything is answered and you're completely awake and blablablablalba... I did NOT experience that) Then it started getting so loving that my body couldn't handle it. And then I thought "ahaha! mahasamadhi" prior to this I had been going through very extreme sober ego deaths once a week that actually felt like mahasamadhi. I got extreme amnesia, just love everywhere and the dream (you guys! All you, hello!) was gonna vanish forever. So I'm like ok the cactus is just giving me some insights into that... NO. I started to get this super fiery energy. A super fire but still deeply loving. I always feel it, and its why I'm such a triggering dude to be around. My fire just burns your hidden secrets. I'm scary to those that dont like the truth. I'm wanted dead by them. Can feel it all the time. And I started going through exactly how hypocritical this entire world is. At this point I had somehow found myself outside (AGAIN! Never learn my lesson!) talking to normies about the truth and nature of reality. I told them their secrets. They were telling me that I was deluded. I told them "I'm deluded? The truth is right fucking here you numpty! Look around, its infinite love and you are it! You are creating it all!" but they said all their dualistic bullshit and my fire rose like mad and I just said "yeah and why are you insisting such things because you are afraid of X!" and X got them right in the heart. You could feel their shock, as if their deepest, darkest secret was revealed. And they just went silent. And then I felt a deep sense of resentment generating and facing right at me like a turret of a tank. And it felt like their resentment was about to reveal some hidden secret that I'm hiding... But what? I'm the most honest man alive? That's impossible, I'm not hiding anything? So I walked back home, because I could sense that if I kept outside, somehow through some unhidden law that I dont know what, the normies will start building up in numbers and try and get rid of me. Like exorcism. Through jail or sending me to a psyche ward. And that point I was biting my tongue a lot because I keep so much in about what I think and on this stuff I was being ridiculously authentic and my ability to hide it was fading. I had to tell people how full of it they were... but as said above I could feel this building up into a societal/sociological wound if I kept going this way. ... mind you by this point I still didnt realize the cactus was having an effect on me, I just thought I was placeboing, because thats what happened the last 10 times. I'm just placeboing again. But then as I got back I realized I had been talking to myself out loud and didnt realize it. I started to notice my behavior wasnt normal. And thats when I went "ohhh, the cactus might be working" I started to notice that everything is love (just much more deeply) and saw that Trump and Hitler were just excuses for loving myself more. I know the present moment is all there is, but I need an excuse to love it, or to make it even more loving then it is. And tada! Hitler and Trump! Those guys make the present moment even better! Its just a game I'm playing to love the present moment more and more. Yet those fucken horrible normies! The ones that believe in science and delusion and those stupid political ideologies. If only they were like me, sincere about the truth... But then as I thought about me, the sincere one about truth, I started asking myself, well whose the one creating that idea? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well whose creating the entire universe? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm whose creating the path? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oh fucking shit..... whose the one creating no self realization? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oh fuck no whose the one creating the realization of infinity? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oh helly fuck no whose the one creating the realization of infinite love? oh oh fuck no please no fuck no oh fucking shit you've gotta be kidding me whose kidding you? ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh fuck no. what the whole path was me gaming myself? "THE WHOLE PATH IS ME GAMING MYSELF?" ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk! well if its no gaming you, then who created Leo? ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh no, it really was me creating Leo? Like actually me? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no. who created the path? ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo who created the idea that your ego died? ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy fuckennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn godddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd ohh fuck no. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk oh no there's literally nothing outside of me. I'm all alone and creating everything. There's no where to get to or go because I'm doing fucking alll. I can't rely on Leo telling me what truth is, because I fucking created him. ohhhhh helllllll nooooooo. oh hell no I actually did. oh shit I created all the gurus. oh my fucken god. And at this point the cactus was making me feel a deep sense of grieving and loss. And magic and "overness" and I'm like, this is the first time anyone has been here before, none of those enlightened beings have been here before, because I created them. This is all being discovered for the first time. The palpitations start kicking in, I've just woken myself up to a level that I wasn't meant to. I can't ask people for help, because I created all that. I can't ask people where is this san pedro taking me, because I'm fucken doing the whole show. ohhh dear. And then the cactus made me realize that the cactus was just a story I created to make the present moment more magical. I came up with this idea that the cactus takes me beyond where I always am. And I just realized I'm doing that to make the present moment more beautiful and magical. Its a way of making it infinitely loving, I'm always making it more and more beautiful by coming up with all these elaborate stories. ... but they are fucken stories. oh deary me, I'm entering territories that I can't get help because I made it all up, including the idea that the cactus is gentle or whatever. I made that up. ohhhhh dear I don't know whats gonna happen. What if I've just entered mahasamadhi? ohhhhh no I think this is mahasamadhi The cactus goes "Wake up! You keep priding yourself as being the one and only who cares about truth, more than everyone else! Well here's a truth that you've hidden and its the answer to everything... but there's one catch, the dream you know it will never occur ever again and you will literally reincarnate or just dissolve into love or something other than being this physical avatar" And I just asked "do I have a choice? Because it doesn't feel like that? OMG I'm about to enter mahasamadhi? Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk" "how am I going through this? its just a fucken san pedro cactus not 5 meo, and I just took a foot...... ohhhh but I made all those stories up. This is real. This isnt dictated by those stories, the dream might end" I was packing it. Scared shitless. I could feel this truth, it would unravel everything, totally, completely, for real. And its as bitter as I'm the only one there is. And I keep looking for stuff outside of me, but I'm all there is" and it felt so fucken final, like I was about to loose everything. Way more then my ego. You. I will loose you. Everything. Complete amnesia to the point that I will forget what amnesia means because amnesia is a concept relative to this dream that is about to end. the final ness felt so fucken scary. The only me creating it all felt so fucken scary. Because I am completely and utterly responsible for everything that's happening here, because I am God. I created world war 2, ME I FUCKEN DID IT. Oh my god. I created world war 2, I created hitler. Really really really did. Actually. Me, as me as you can get. No one can help me but me. The whole story of the cactus was created by me to help me, but when I totally merge with God, I gotta accept the bitter pill that I'm fully calling the shots. A scary level of responsibility. No help, I need to be the most mature, manly, intelligent, positive, optimistic thing there is to handle myself, because no one else can do it but me". And this was the biggest bitter pill I had to swallow: I said no to knowing that truth. I said no. Me????? The most honest, committed to truth being on the planet just said no to the truth?????????????????? really?????????????????????? my entire self worth revolves around me being the honest, true one, the one that cares about truth the most. and I just fucken said no to the truth. I just said yes to being a devil fully knowing I am one. ohhhh my fucken god, I just did that? speechless. I was here talking about how corrupt you are, how corrupt the pharmaceutical industry is, people on this site, people in the psychedelic groups, the psychologists. And I just accepted being a devil. I just did the exact thing I felt made me stand apart. My whole identity around being the one that cares about truth, going through the spiritual path the most sincerely of all, was just shattered by the fact that I just said no to truth. I was gaming myself. Infinite love realization - gaming myself. No self realization - gaming myself. Going through the spiritual path - gaming myself. Permanent ego death - gaming myself. Being sincere about the truth - gaming myself. Being respectful to gurus and religions and even psychedelics - gaming myself. Of course I'm gaming myself, if I don't know the truth(mahasamadhi) yet, whose keeping that truth away from me? Fucken me! Who else is doing it hahahahaha. Jesus fucken christ. Jesus fucken christ. Jesus fucken christ. Jesus fucken christ. Jesus fucken christ. ... Jesus fucken christ. The cactus told me "if you took LSD or dmt, you would have died (mahasmadhi) and never come back to this world again. The only reason you're here is because you got lucky. Last minute chose to do san pedro. San pedro that just happens to be the most gentle psychedelic out there" "You just almost physically killed yourself, because if it wasn't another psychedelic, you wouldn't have had the option of saying no to truth. You would have mahasamadhied" "doesn't matter about the chemistry and psyches not being able to kill you... you created everything and all of that and I'm telling you now, you just nearly killed yourself with your arrogance in thinking you knew everything about enlightenment already, about psyches not working for you. You just nearly mahasamadhied" This freaked me out to absolute crazy levels because I did almost take lucy. The aftermath: I thought I had reached enlightened levels of humility, realization, and this has just showed me I'm gaming myself. But also everyone else is gaming themselves radically too. Not just me. And yes your insistence that there are no others, is itself a game you're playing, and I see right through that bullshit because I created you. After the trip I found myself outside again somehow (tends to happen with san pedro) and I could feel the normies knew there was something horrifying about me without even talking to me. They all gave me weird stares. It became crystal clear to me (outside) that on a relative level, the level people are going to hide themselves from the truth is phenomenal. The games are just makes me speechless. This site is riddled with tonnes and tonnes and tonnes of games. That no self stuff - games, infinite love realization - games, enlightenment - games, present moment - games, nothing here but thoughts - games. Just be in the now - games. And this site is meant to be creme of the crop. So just imagine the games of our institutions, bureaucracies, etc. This is a way bigger matter then life or death. People dont just want me killed, the want me exterminated from even reincarnating. Beyond death level extermination. When I was walking back, it hit me, I felt the gravity of what truth is. I felt the gravity of how much people are determined to hide from it. It blew me away(because I'm one of them!) And i could feel the normies knew I was embodying basically their worst nightmare, and that the only reaction they could give me is fear. Because I'm dealing with people who dedicate their existence to hiding from the very thing I'm embodying, and they dedicate lifetimes and lifetimes and lifetimes to hiding from this. I was a magnet for cops, psychologists and hospitals, thugs and criminals, because I was embodying and emitting people's worst nightmares and the only reaction to that is Jail, killing me or bashing me criminally, sending me to a psyche ward, etc. I was an attractor for all that stuff. And so scared out of my life, I ran back home, trying to hide from everyone so they could inevitable feel the truth I was embodying, the truth that they were desperately and going to extreme lengths to hide. I'm no longer the most sincere truth man. That's been absolutely smashed. I now have compassion for the trickers, because I am one myself too on a personal level, like I just caught myself saying no to truth. I cant explain how badly that wrecked my self esteem. And I now have a trillion times greater appreciation and "siddhis" in seeing the tricks others play. I can now spot out those tricks a trillion times more easily. And yes I am the buddha, Leo, god, I created all that stuff. I even created meditation and yoga and during this san pedro trip report, I saw how the only reason why I believe I need meditation and yoga is because I'm gaming myself. I don't like the truth, so I created meditation and yoga so that it would bring me out of the present moment(truth) into some land of peace, happiness, infinite love, when all there is, is NOW! I was gaming myself with all those techniques. I'm even gaming myself with san pedro. And yet, I must still take san pedro because somehow the universe is mysterious where I'm gaming myself with its creation yet I still need it to see that. But meditation and yoga are finished for me AFAIK, unless things change, because I've just seen how those things are games. If I want to know the truth... aint hard, aint about meditation or yoga... its about doing and revealing and seeking and honestly probing what you dont want to probe. Its about instead of avoiding that thing you go and unravel it... if you dare. No that meditation and yoga stuff is you trying to hide the truth. Just go directly if you seriously care about truth. Apart from that, the whole spiritual path and teachers and gurus... sorry don't agree or resonate with you guys on those things anymore at all.

Title says it all, I have braces behind my bottom teeth. Are these a hazard?

Is it problematic to choose a highly intellectual job if what you truly want partially involves peace, tranquility, no-mind, 0 monkey mind, etc? Is it possible to pursue a job which is very intellectual, yet can also be done in a very mindless/no-mind way? In my intellectual job, about 70% of what i do is intellectual, yet there is a 30% which involves no intellect, but UNDERSTANDING. I mean deep insights which are not grounded in intellect but are very hard to explain, 'knowing moments'. The sensation feels like dominos all falling at once, because the insight is so complete that it makes every thought you have collapse for a few seconds. I really enjoy this part, but I fear the other 70% may not be the most effective use of time.

Because feeling it now costs too much for your relationships, your career, your politics and especially your spiritual orientations. You gotta get down to business and know and feel how tragic, disguisting, aweful and seriously scary your life is designed right now. Its really shit and problematic. And you're only going to feel that love when you fully feel it all and take that step to fix it.

They look like a guy with short brown hair, with a quirky, 1 threaded fringe, shortly cut beard and whitish skin IF you look right into the middle of your heart.

wahe-guru. The awe of existence. When the mind sees the impossible.

he's also attracted those people who do it to him through the law of attraction. There's plenty of teachers out there who ONLY have amazing clients, if Leo's attracting shit clients in his life, its him whose got the problem. You can be like him too and attract shit people in your life, or you can learn from his mistake.

I know awakening will happen to you, because you're worried you wont achieve it. But you're also very afraid of it, and you don't want it to happen at a certain level. Its going to take you time to fully muster up the courage to awaken, 1-3 or so more years. But if you get to a point where all of these thought stories are starting to really hurt, you know you need to get real and up the pace and push through all that fear. In the mean time, it doesn't hurt to enjoy your life... these theories about enlightenment aren't helping in any way, you'll look back and go "oh man, I really thought they were helpful, guess they added nothing to my journey"

I'm not interested in answering based on the qualifications, I'm not awake or self realised or any of that, and neither are the ones who replied to you here. As soon as possible. NOW. Always. There's nothing to loose with awakening, and everything to gain. There's distortions out there that awakening is hard work, requires sacrifices, lots of boring practice... those are distortions from deluded people. What you need to awaken is a Will to be truly happy and an assertiveness to say NO to all, every one of the temptations. For real. Say NO. Especially to the temptation that awakening should, needs or its best to awaken at some age.

Fuck all this stupid contemplation, state changes, high level of consciousness, meditation, yoga bullshit off, and go to the beach, check out how amazing the sun looks in the morning, check how colourful and diverse the flora in your area is, feel the exotic sensations of the wind as it blows over your body, and remember that if you've got fucken food in your body, you've got shelter, and you have some time in the day to relax, there's nothing more you could possibly need to feel as relaxed, as vibrant and as peaceful as a buddha.

I had a past life regression once where I remembered 5000 years in the past of an Indian yogi telling me that in 3-6000 years, no matter what happens, I'll achieve awakening due to the ritual that he performed. when I had my first awakening experience, I felt a simultaneous sense of despair and absolute awe, despair from realizing the awakening wasn't an unexpected achievement from the yogi doing the ritural on me, but absolute awe from the feeling of recognising how powerful that ritural was. That's how I'd express deja-Vu for me.

Your soul isn't limited to reincarnating through blood lines. There are evolutionary mechanics at play that the earth goes through, and your soul's reincarnations are determined by that science. However you can have past life regressions of stuff that happened along your blood line, however you may or may not have experienced those personally (at a soul level), they could of just been meditative experiences that brought up some dna readings of your genetic makeup. Remembering soul reincarnations is largely a process of remembering conception and remembering preconception. Remembering blood line reincarnations is largely a matter of residual felt from meditative experiences. I don't feel like its possible to deliberately remember blood lineage reincarnations as they are just residual.

Are those who achieve God realisation, particularly the hindhi authority figures who claim they've achieved God realization, aware that when the body physically gets destroyed, that they will lose God realisation? Or are they not contemplative enough, critical thinkers enough to even go there? Whose aware of the difference between achieving immortality of self vs the lack of immortality of God Realization itself? Is there any Hindhi or anyone who does this work that can admit that God Realization itself is not immortal in their whole framework? And lastly, is there anyone on the planet that's embodying and actually discovering the mechanics behind the mortality of God Realization? Through my realizations I've remembered that I'm an extra terrestrial and why I'm on Earth in the first place.

? that's just plain old dogma. There is a truth outside of yourself, but you just don't have access to it. You've gotta be an extra terrestrial to see it though. If you don't get what I'm saying, you're just not an extra terrestrial.

its not an assumption. The locus of attention cannot shift outside/beyond the apparent body if the body is destroyed. Because when the body is destroyed, there is no body. Duh. Its an assumption that shifting the locus of attention outside / beyond the apparent body maintains itself when the apparent body is destroyed. Further its an assumption that shifting the locus of attention outside / beyond the apparent body, leads to a truth, that when shifted higher again, does not lead to a higher truth that includes the containment, rather then the transcendance, of some higher for of the apparent body.

I haven't been hear for a long time but felt like sharing a massive breakthrough. If you're spiritually gifted but have low self esteem, you'll be spiritually cursed. You'll literally be at massive risk of going to jail, being told you're schizophrenic and need to go to a psyche ward, be hated by everyone, etc. If you're spiritually gifted but have medium or high self esteem, you'll be spiritually gifted and loved by everyone for it. If you're spiritually gifted (not everyone is) DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM. Spiritually gifted people are much more adversely affected by low self esteem then the typical person. They are at risk of attracting not just bad physical/material aspects of reality, but bad spiritual aspects of reality too. Its absolute hell. If you are spiritually neuro-diverse, if you've noticed that you are very very different on a spiritual level, no matter what you think, you must take low self esteem very seriously to ensure your physical, mental safety is not at risk. Non spiritually gifted people can get away with low self esteem, the risks are much worse for spiritually gifted people. In spiritual circles, teachers like saying that everyone is spiritually gifted, or that spiritual giftedness does not exist. They like saying that if you think you're spiritually gifted, and that others aren't, that you're being egotistical, entitled, arrogant or self centred. These teachers are incorrect, wrong, and being flat out dangerous. In the spiritual community, 1-5% of the community is spiritually gifted (spiritually neuro-diverse) and this giftedness, if not treated well, will turn into serious diseases like autism or schizophrenia or psychosis. If you're spiritually gifted and have low self esteem, you'll get extremely paranormal and intense negative effects from meditation, yoga and psychedelics. I don't know how to tell whether you're spiritually gifted or not as its so specific and needs to be decided upon on a case by case basis, but anyone who is neuro-diverse or abnormal should get checked incase to ensure your safety isn't at risk. Denying your spiritual giftedness, like what the culture in the adviata vedanta and zen community encourages you to do, will make you deny the FACT that you're at an especially high risk of danger from spiritual techniques and spiritual phenomena then the average spiritual seeker. I can't stress enough how irresponsible it is for spiritual teachers to be seriously denying spiritual giftedness, like proper only a few people are gifted - kinda giftedness. I've seen this in the community with multiple people now, and they are in seriously bad states because of it. We all together have decided to work through these issues and we're getting surprised by how big this is, and how much the spiritual culture needs to change when it comes to accepting the fact that spiritual giftedness is real, and that there are serious consequences to its denial.

Documentation of transforming my career to be about My life purpose. Current life purpose as of now: LP Statement: Design and share methods, systems and techniques for accessing and embodying bliss, love and insight/wisdom/intelligence. Domain of Mastery: Meditation, Contemplation, other spiritual methods for accessing bliss, love and wisdom. Medium: to be determined. Goals: 1. Maintain a consistent habit of at least 2 hours of high quality meditation. 2. Eat at most 3 meals a day. All meals fall under 50 carbs a day. 3. Read 30 minutes a day on shamanic or magick techniques. Apply shamanic or magick techniques for at least 30 minutes a day. Explore whether these methods contribute to your LP. 4. Replace procrastination with mindfulness meditation or strict contemplation. 5. Go to the gym at least 6x a week. Interesting thoughts today: 1. problem solving these days are just a more concrete, but more indirect way of accessing divine bliss, love and wisdom. For example software engineering is an inefficient, indirect but more concrete way of accessing bliss (as it solves a problem for a person, just in a small way).

Giving up on seeking, or how you put it "stop asking" is a letting go of that which is blocking you from achieving what you seek. Seeking is important and must be done for some time, necessarily in agony, before giving up and letting go/stop asking, otherwise you risk turning "stop asking"/letting go or giving up as a seeking mechanism itself, which if happens, will give you lots of agony but uniquely no achieving or obtaining what you seek. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Got a new life purpose ? Feels really on point, more then any other life purpose I've received from the universe. Just imagine how advanced I'll be when my life purpose changes to "meditate" ? I feel like sharing stuff through videos which I'll do in the next few weeks in this thread.

I'm all for avoiding metal but how TF do you practically verify which foods/supplements to buy and which foods/supplements not to buy based on metal levels? For example, should I drink this protein powder or not if I care about lowering my metal levels: https://www.bulknutrients.com.au/products/earth-protein?gclid=CjwKCAiA5t-OBhByEiwAhR-hmy2MW_jiYmlbC_YPZCswrZ-c741YsfZPUxSOF5mHBiCVYDsxY3g1uhoCGY8QAvD_BwE I could replace the shakes with 12 eggs: https://www.sunnyqueen.com.au/products/organic-free-range-eggs but how do I know for sure those eggs have less metal then the protein powder? If it doesn't then I'm wasting lots of money as eggs are not optimized for protein powder.

I felt the need to externally acknowledge to myself, on the forum, that I've completely finished the actualized.org chapter, as part of my healing and integration. As part of that I felt a calling to share whatever last remaining energies I felt about actualized.org in terms of me finishing up, and with that the opportunity to let those last energies go before moving on. There's no adherence to structure or form or agenda really. So its not polished or meant to change people's minds, its really for me. So before expressing those energies, I want to acknowledge that actualized.org was an integral part of my journey. I was very very lost back early 2016 when I first stumbled across actualized.org. I was just entering my first year of university with absolutely no knowledge of spirituality in general, all I knew was what my parents, teachers and media taught me. Actualized.org's video on "the most shocking truth..." opened me right up to a new sense of reality that I was extremely drawn to. It was a rough journey for me from 2016 till about mid 2020, trying to battle my immature desires based on subconscious social conditioning around sexuality, my career and toxic relationships, with my yearning for filling my life entirely up with spirituality, yet without actualized.org, I am afraid to think what would of happened to me. I've had autism all my life, and I've been naturally spiritual, so I really needed (and still do to a large extent) help with navigating spiritual planes back then and without that help I would of been in a whole world of pain, so I consider actualized.org kind of an initial savior for me until I ventured off into deeper teachings and live communities around tantra yoga(sexual and non sexual), psychedelics, hatha yoga and emotional healing communities around mid 2020. I'm going to just write directly from the heart and discard the thoughts/social patterns and conditioning telling me I need to structure this well or that it needs to make sense or impress people... I've felt, my entire life, extremely disconnected. Because I have deep down felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, and I always noticed that how I thought about things, my views, my journey, was extremely different to most people, or everyone else, and while I've been through a shit tonne of challenges throughout my spiritual journey, and definitely before too with the childhood traumas and bullying I faced, the negative emotions which stands out to me the most, and makes me want to cry, and that have been persistent throughout my entire life is a deep feeling of disconnectedness from feeling so different from everyone else and not really having much in common with people. Its made me feel insecure about my ability to really learn from spiritual teachers, because I didn't know whether they "got me" or whether I "got them". I felt like no one understood me, knew who I was, I felt like I was always pretending with people. I felt like they thought they knew who I was, but didn't really. I felt like I knew them a lot more then they knew me and that I had to put effort into always fitting in. This IS the biggest trauma of my life. Without this trauma, I've got literally no traumas left. Its rock bottom, and its so so so deep. It is who I identified with my entire life, without this trauma, I would have to reimagine who I truly am. And the amazing thing is, I've done that, I did it yesterday at a healing course that went for 4 days. And I'm over the moon because I literally now am almost at the point where I've fully reconnected with myself and have no big traumas left. And I just through the massive shift, had to share what I saw, even if its not relevant or doesn't help anyone, because it relates to my journey at actualized.org, and if I don't share this shift here then it wont feel like the shift is complete. Things started to get really challenging for me about a year ago when I went a bit deep in my psychedelic journey. I've got a very natural calling for following and embodying the path of psychedelic shamanism. Because in 2020 I went through a dozen or so awakenings, I entered a state of consciousness where I wasn't the do-er anymore, which meant "you shouldnt do this" or "you should do that" didn't make sense to me anymore because I felt like the universe was in control and not little electroBeam. So I was going quite deep, potentially dangerously deep into psychedelics, and people telling me "you shouldnt do it" or "its irresponsible" or "its stupid" didn't make sense to me because I wasn't the doer. LOL. So I kept going anyway even if it was perceived as stupid. I felt like people telling me that stuff was part of the story God was creating to show me a greater and even bigger lesson. So naturally didnt really listen, and sometimes I half listened and half didnt, and it was a bit confusing and scary and weird and super strange but most importantly, in the end super powerful. I had a big dose of mushrooms (through following my intuition) and what it showed me was incredibly deep and incredibly scary. And I was seeing this stuff within the context of non-doership, which meant I truly didnt feel like I was the one who chose to take this big mushroom trip. Sometimes I didnt know and thought I was going crazy, did I take this big mushroom trip or not? It feel really right to take it but everyone around me is saying its super dangerous. And the feeling of non doership is scaring me a bit because I feel like I've got no control into how deep my psychedelic path is going to go, God's gonna take me deep and I've kinda got no choice. It was scary AF. I had a total of 3 hero dose mushroom trips over the span of like 2 months, again all not my choice. It just happened that way. It felt really like fate, like God's chosen me to do this. Which in itself was a bit insane, because it felt that way sober too. Feelings of like "why me?" Came up often. The scariest part of the 1st mushroom trip was my entire life felt like it was created by me sitting in my room for 3 minutes and just getting lost in thought, and that the Truth beyond that 3 minutes (which was my entire fucking life) was something extremely bigger. And thats scary enough but the fact that you can't connect with many people about this is what makes it more negative because theres a deep sense of disconnection that you're doing this alone, maybe one of the only few people on the planet doing this. I had problems picking up girls because I was the non doer, so I couldnt pickup girls because there was no me, and I just thought that I couldnt pick up girls because I was too ugly, but the trip showed me that the girls didn't even exist in the first place, which felt extremely extremely disconnecting. Infinity to the power of infinity to the power of infinity levels of disconnection and depersonalization. Like solopsism. The last bit that was really scary was the mushrooms told me that this state of consciousness was how I always was, and that I just lost it during my personal life journey somewhere. That last part was probably the most challenging, because the trip felt extremely disconnecting, and then its telling me its been like this for eternity LOL. However, I was doing this stuff, this path, while in an enlightened state of mind, so no matter how bad things got, I lost the ability to really care. LOL. So when I was integrating that trip, It was extremely scary and horrible, but I didn't think about deciding to run away from this shamanic path because I lost the ability to react to how scary it was because theres no me, and I'm not the doer. So I took another high dose mushroom trip which was a trillion times deeper. The Tao ebbed into another even deeper trip. And yeah very amazing experience, highly challenging but loved it. I saw beyond mahasamadhi by a trillion, everything leo said in his 30 day awakening video was just a spec of dust compared to the peak of this trip. Loved the depth but scary as fuck hahaha. Leo's teachings said that your point of view is the only point of view that exists, and that you're imagining reality. That scared the shit out of me because that feels extremely disconnecting. Like theres no one else but you. And the other thing I hated about that teaching was my God state of mind is so powerful and beautiful that I want to share it, but how the fuck do I share it when I'm all alone? I can't!!! And I experienced that during the first mushroom trip and that sucked. The other part of that teaching I hated was this sense that there's no one to look up to but me, which means if I've got problems no one can help me. I saw all of that on the mushroom trips and integrated all of that into my life. Kinda just put up with it and got on with it. Like at the end of the day, no matter what the truth is, you can always accept it and love it so. Then I had a cactus trip, where what I saw on it was I was accessing really deep states of consciousness and afraid to share it out of fear that I would get locked up in jail or someone would take me to the hospital. Which explained why I always took ayahuasca, mushrooms, cactus alone either in my room or out in the forest. I felt much more safe taking ayahuasca at home alone then in ceremony. Always. Lastly I had a ceremony with someone, and he gave me a dose that was waaay too high for what I could handle. The first cup I handled myself, my entire life again dissolved into a few tiny seconds of God thinking or mentally masturbating to himself lol, then I got total amnesia and forgot where I was or who I was or even forgot I was born and lived, and I was just in this spiral place, where I felt happiness and suffering. And The aya was taking me meta on happiness and suffering LOL to the point that I couldn't even tell what I wanted anymore because it showed me how happiness and suffering were one, and it was super dissociative because I rely on chasing happiness and letting go of suffering to grow and traverse my path but if I loose the ability to care about that then... I dont feel like doing anything or growing or whatever. So it was a bit horrible but then again wasnt because I lost the ability to know horribleness. Then I left the spiral and came back and remembered where I was and who I was, etc. And was like wow. The shaman said thats a tiny dose just to prep you for the second cup and thats when sparks fly. So I took a trillion times more potent dose then that cup and wow.... I lost my shit physically and was running around like a freak. But what I remember the most from that second cup was I remember realizing completely that I was God, and that people are trying to find god through making nuclear bombs (because they are inspired to do that) but they should just walk up to electroBeam because they are confused and they just want electroBeam LOL. And then (this is so cool and powerful) I asked myself "why am I God" and the answer was because I created it that way LOOOL. HAHAHA. I'm God because I wanted to be God. I created everything including myself hahahahaha. Its not because of everything or nothingness or all that bollocks, I created all that everything and nothingness crap but the only truth is I'm God because I decided to create myself. And then everything else spawned from that. Then the trip got extremely hellish because I asked myself "Why is there satan and hell" and then I couldn't tell the difference between god and satan. Which means I couldn't tell whether God was good or bad. Like what if God is only good because I created God/myself that way and therefore God isn't really good. God is netural or even possible the devil and he created himself good to cover that up. And how can I truly know thats not true when I created God? Which then made me feel like I was literally hitler. Which was absolutely hell. A massive letdown. And again extremely dissociative. Then I went into a massive thought loop that did like 500 rounds. Where I really wanted to leave the trip (because it was hell) and as soon as I left the trip and got out of it, my shaman said well done you did it!!! And then I asked did what? Then I sank right back into hell/the trip again/went back in time, then I went through hell got out of it and again the shaman said well done you did it!!! And then I asked did what (I had amnesia so I forgot about what getting out of the trip meant) and that happened 500 times after the 200th time I was 100% convinced that the truth was I was in this hell loop my entire eternal existence and my life was a failed attempt of trying to get out of it(which all didnt feel too great lool). and I kept asking where is the shaman and as soon as I saw him he dissolved, so I lost hope in thinking hes real. Then finally the trip wore off a bit and I was in a concentration camp which made me do some things I wish I didnt and then finally got out of it. But again I'm in an enlightened state of mind so that trip gave me 0 trauma and I literally didnt care after it happened. I dont want to experience that again but dont really care if I do. So I don't wish to elaborate on more details, there's a last bit of energy I'm feeling now that I want to let go of directly, and that's the climax of this entire journey I've had(especially recently) which I arrived to yesterday during my healing course. I feel like I'm not expressing myself super convincingly, and I could express it much more. But I'm not hear to convince, I'm hear to tell my truth and to let go of energies. I went to a healing course where they taught unconditional love healing. Long process but in a nutshell I discovered some extremely deep childhood traumas that I wasn't even conscious of. I went deep into a childhood memory of my dad telling me "if you keep this up, your brain will get zapped, see on the TV that guy having his brain zapped? That will be you if you keep this up". I was 3 years old. He was talking about the brain zapping doctor thing, I remembered that all my life but forgot WHY he said it. The healing brought up WHY he said it. I remembered sooooooo much about my life from the age of 2-5. I remember seeing beings and entities in my sober state of consciousness, and energies everywhere, similar to medium dose mushroom trips. And I use to talk to them all the time, feel them, see them. They actually helped me function in society, I remember being on the couch and talking to a being I saw every morning, and why my mum asked me what I wanted for breakfast, I would ask that being what I should say, and he/she would give me advice. Back when I was 2-5 years of age, the ego wasn't too much of a thing for me and the transition to enlightenment wasn't really existent. I remember seeing hallucinations, patterns in the carpet, etc. I said this stuff out loud to an audience of people, and the fear and emotions I felt were overwhelming. Definitely cried hardcore. What was so scary about saying this stuff is I have very deeply rooted beliefs within me that if I say this stuff to people that will lock me up or take me to a psyche ward. And I got that from my parents!!! I saw that I was projecting that trauma of my parents cutting me off from my interdimensional beings in Leo's teachings. My mushroom trips were so dissociative because of that trauma. My ceremonial ayahuasca trip went a bit bad because of that trauma. The whole idea that you're god and that you're the only one that exists is not the Truth, its a trauma of mine. I feel so disconnected from spirit (because my parents told me they would literally put me in a psyche ward for the connection) and that disconnection showed up in my super deep mushroom trips. I thought (because of Leo's teachings) the mushrooms were telling me I'm the only one that exists, but that's not true, there are humans out there and they all do exist. What the mushrooms were actually telling me was I'm a little unique in that I saw spirit when I was at a young age. So I turned "you are a little different because you saw spirit at a young age" into "you are different because youre god and only you exist and no other humans exist". Also the mushrooms told me that I had never left that state of consciousness (that the mushrooms took me in). And I turned that into my entire life is completely made up and I'm stuck in a hell loop, which is untrue because here I am again and my life is real. The mushrooms were showing me that I just was in it when I was 2-5. Not that the truth is I'm stuck in a hell loop. Same with the ayahuasca ceremony, the whole hell loop was just a way of telling me I never left and my parental trauma made it seem like I left. Its true that I'm God and I created myself (as God) but I always also felt strong disconnection, I felt separated from other people while in that state (which you wouldnt have experienced it because you dont have the same trauma as me) but thats absolutely hell HAHAHAHA. Did it anyway because im the spiritual boss. Proud of myself to be honest. The biggest thing that healing workshop gave me was it showed me how by not speaking my truth, I was not allowing trauma to release which was manifesting as hellish trips and physical aliments. The whole trauma gave me autism, as soon as I let go of the trauma, all of my autism dissolved. I asked myself during the healing "how do I connect with humans if I've always at a young age been speaking to inter-dimensional beings" and the answer I got was "you need to stop excluding that aspect of yourself when talking to other people, the inter-dimensional beings are apart of your identity and you need them to function in the world, otherwise you will have autism". Which simply means I need to say fuck you to the fears of being put into jail or hospital for speaking my truth and do it anyway. Once I saw that trauma and let it go I was able to feel my Godheadness while also feeling connected to everyone. I took ayahuasca in the park the next day after the workshop. And I felt everything that I felt the last times, but with the new understanding that this wasn't unfamiliar to me, I had experienced this as a kid. And I freely and happily got lost in the state of mind, the state where your life all compresses and dissolves into a tiny ball, everything blends in with each other, the words blend into the visuals which blend into the concepts which blends into the body, every human body is like a little desktop icon all connected to the collective human consciousness, hallucinations, patterns. That sense that its been like that for eternity. The ayahuasca told me and showed me how I was misinterpreting the previous trips and projecting childhood traumas on it, and how the actual messages they were trying to show me was just what I experienced as a kid and how im reconnecting with it. I was reacting to the messages and being dramatic and thats where the suffering came from. I did it specifically in public in the park because I wanted to really integrate this state of consciousness into my daily life. Its the way of embodying the resolve of my biggest, and now pretty much only, trauma. If I cant be on ayahuasca in public, then I'm recurring the pattern of hiding that state of consciousness from my parents, when deep down it wanted to be let out. And that's it, Leo's last and highest teachings of you are god, only your POV exists, blablabla. I experienced that, and saw how the negative parts of it were my own deep deep deep childhood traumas projections, and now I'm embodying the resolve of it literally by taking ayahuasca in the park and speaking to people in that state of mind and practicing being ok with it. If I can be ok in the peak of an ayahuasca trip while talking to people, I've just shown I'm not afraid of showing who I truly am to the world. I'll probably get judged here for that story, definitely I don't think this place is the most loving and non judgmental it can be sometimes. I've been called stupid, idiot by Leo for expressing some of this path, and I've been called all sorts of shit by the other forum members for expressing my path too. Been banned(but brought back) partially because I was just expressing this truth of mine. What I really liked about the healing workshop I did, was they didn't judge me though, for all the stuff I was doing, they welcomed it, said it was brave, honorable and extremely genuine and authentic. And that was the straw that broke the camel's back, for the first time in my life someone accepted and believed in my unique connection with spirit. The exact opposite of what my parents did when I was a kid. And the opposite of what this forum did a lot of the time too. And theres no reason why you should end up in jail or end up in a psyche ward for taking ayahuasca in public. Absolutely none. Theres no rational reason for it, and I didnt when I took and got lost in the state in the park after my healing workshop. I realized during that trip that by taking ayahuasca in the park in public, I'm being my highest and true self, and people WILL get triggered by it because my highest self will prompt them to look within, but if I maintain my authenticity, the most that a lot if not all of them will do is walk away from me from not wanting to look at their own traumas. They wont come and try and lock me up or put me in jail because that will just make them spend more time with me, which means more time that they will be prompted to look at their traumas. So I'm safe, and its irrational and quite frankly ignorant to think that taking aya in public is a problem. And I guess the other bit is I'm aware of this. Maybe people who trip in public and get into trouble aren't aware of this, and maybe thats what makes the difference. I'm aware of this during the peak of my trip because its related to the biggest trauma of mine.

how was 5-meo-malt developed? I can't find it on the internet.

Finally awakened, jeez that was a tough journey. So the tail end of it was, I started getting existential terror again. Which is what I got a lot back in mid 2020, yet this time it felt like another awakening, but it was a bit scary because i was feeling like the external world didn't exist, which freaked me out a bit. I also started forgetting time, what day it was and the date all sober, which again was a bit scary. It all started because i had figured out a way of dieting and also reducing my reliance on sex all with my mind. Instead of eating healthy food, I just started imagining eating healthy food. Instead of having sex I just started imagining that I was having sex. After doing this for a while, I couldn't tell the difference between my imagination and the external world, which scared me a bit because i felt like the external world was disappearing. Then I started getting this feeling that everything in the external world is my imagination and that the 2 aren't separate. So me imagining im eating a chocolate = me eating a chocolate in the external world. Which made the external world feel like a dream even more then it was. I also started getting a very strong sense that all the people in my life don't exist. They are empty surfaces. Which again freaked me out a bit. So if they are empty surfaces, then whose the one controlling those surfaces? Me or Universal Love. So the entire existence started feeling really really small because it was only me and Universal Love. I mistakenly started thinking that Universal Love was a magnificent woman energy who would manifest as different girls i liked, and people I spent time with, and that this magnificent woman energy was pretending to not know who she was and pretending to be other people, but deep down knew she was universal love energy/me. So all the people in my life just started seeming like the same universal love woman that im in love with/trying to get to, which again made things feel really small because its just me and her the entire time. Then all of a sudden the external world shattered and decomposed/deconstructed into feelings only. At the end of the day, the external world is a bunch of feelings, once you take the outer surfaces away. That kinda made me feel like eyes were a conspiracy theory, you can't see anything, just feel energy. These feelings took on the persona of different machine elves for a while, to help me understand the vast array of feelings and how they intertwine and work which gave me clarity even though machine elves was just more imagination. I get this on trips all the time, instead of the world being made of atoms, its made of fractals and machine elves all talking to each other, and them talking to each other is the different feelings you feel or different energy. Then finally the machine elves disappeared and feeling just decomposed into... feelings haha. I lost my desire to figure out what death was, and what happens when you die, because for me now, the desire to figure out what death is, is just feelings, which means its got nothing to do with figuring out death at all. Besides, death relies on the existence of the external world, death doesn't make sense when the external world shatters. Its just feelings doing things. Riding a bike is just feelings, getting shot in the head and reincarnating into different forms is just feelings, can use machine elves as a meditation aid to help you keep conscious of the feelings, but its just feelings. And its just feelings or another way of saying it, just understanding, pure understanding, pure abstract, external worldless, surfaceless, concreteless, conceptless, agendaless, egoless, understanding. Or pure love, whatever floats ya boat. Love doesn't resonate with me personally. So what happens when you die? The answer is inside the question, the question decomposes into feeling/understanding when you remove concepts and the external world and everything almost, and that's death too, feeling/understanding, like everything. The thing is, the deepest understanding is pure abstract feeling, so anything other then that is less deep, lool. And this experience has taught me that, all of my psychedelic trips were trying to tell me this and i just didn't get the message, but also that the key to a good life is to feel it. That's it, that's literally as deep as it gets. And it does get deeper and deeper and deeper, but it gets deeper through feeling more and more and more. I was kinda worried that if I didn't understand death in this lifetime, that i would suffer in the next lifetime, so i kept going hardcore at seeking what death was, little did I know that pursuing that quest was literally the realization of my worst fear/concern. HA! You can avoid suffering in your next lifetime, and do stuff like transfer prana to your next life to help you there, etc, but it comes from listening to feeling and getting good at dealing with feeling then it does any other way. This was an exceptionally long journey, 6 years about, and at the end of the day the answer was the simplest thing ever, yet radical radical stuff, crazy experiences, insanity, massive explosions of horror and bliss was all needed to finally accept and be this truth, because if i didn't go through all that crap, I would of been asking "what if..." "what if feeling isnt the answer" "what if its this instead" "what if its that instead" and then i would of drifted off, it takes a massively long and brutal journey to finally be satisfied with something so simple and to say "ah nah its definitely this, because i tried that, and that and this and the other and those don't work because..." And the other cool thing too is... have you noticed no matter how deep your realization, how high your psychedelic dose is, that its all just feeling? HA! Not shit Sherlock. I'm kinda satisfied now with the realization that God/the universe/consciousness is a sneaky beast who gives you the answers when you stop seeking them. Who gives you everything you want when you stop asking for them, who gives you all the understanding in the world when you stop trying to encapsulate her in an insight or an awakening experience! And you just let her be.

Awakening is dangerous whether thats through high doses, low doses, yoga or meditation. "overdoing it", "stupid" and "dangerous" are self defense mechanisms that are being used to stop from crossing the threshold. If one ever lets go of those mechanisms, you will cross that threshold. No matter how much preparation or wisdom you have, when you're in that state that you go beyond the threshold, its physically dangerous. Everything stopping it from being physically dangerous is wiped away, necessarily. This isn't a choice, this is a necessary feature. I wish it wasn't this way, but I've seen it is. I'm not under the influence of self deception, this is of course the way it is. The biggest awakening is being shot in the heart, how is that not physically dangerous. Its not wrong to be ok with physical danger, or at least to recognize its limitations. What you fear from the outcome of physical danger is manifestation of devilry, its not caused by the physical danger itself. And that's why i know ill never jump off a balcony so long as I'm committed to the path of God. If you're genuine, you wont go through an adverse event. That's the bottom line, whether you do high doses or crazy things or not. If its for a genuine cause, its not going to happen. I do not agree or adhere to this need to cling to safety. I agree and adhere to saintly/genuineness vs devilry and lies and deception, but not safe vs dangerous, that dichotomy does not get you deep in this work. "Danger" will limit you at some point. The mind thinks anything godly is dangerous. And im fine to leave this place if that's not acceptable. But to be honest I think what you're preaching is a bit of the side of the devil. God definitely does not agree with you on this point, and told me that when I did cross that threshold.

I haven't visited here much, but Leo was talking about something about crossing and taking everyone with him (which I already knew because when I was more active on here he talked about that) So I feel like sharing my experience on 6 grams of woodlovers called Psilocybe subaeruginosa, in Australia these are known as very dark versions of golden teachers. I'm especially sensitive to psychedelics (suprisingly hahaha, I use to think the opposite) so a dose tends to be 1.5-2x stronger. I am curious if @Leo Gura is talking about this experience, and if he isn't then WTF is he talking about. I'd be curious to know where this experience sits on the cone. I don't know how you go deeper then this, but if you can great. So heres my trip: So I had 2-3 trips of these subs beforehand, if you take psyches properly, they get more intense the more you take them, thats because they start getting really serious with you. So this was my 3rd or 4th trip with them and I took 6 grams dried. This experience happened after having "permanent" sober awakenings like no self realization and all the other stuff. So its beyond just being in a state of oneness. So I took the subs at 9am (I picked them from the ground so was a bit worried about eating posionous ones, but thats part of the fun, if you aren't willing to permanently physically die for truth then it aint for you IMO, sorry, will have that stance till the day i really do die hahahaha), and felt really shit as you do on big doses of mushrooms, felt like i was about to physically die and go to the hospital because ive just eaten some poisonous ones, felt horrible for letting my family down because they told me psyches were bad and they were right in the end, blabalbalbalba I had visions of being in the hospital for a period of time that felt like years but it would of been only 20 minutes, my flatmate looked worried and she monitored me for nausea symptoms, then left and went to the shops. I saw machine elves but they dissolved pretty quickly. Unexplainable hell endured, I went through every possible fear I could imagine. Everything from going to jail from taking this shit to never falling in love to regretting things, to letting my family down, contemplated the possibility of being "stuck" in an eternal hell of nothingness devoid of love forever, even contemplated the possibility that love was made up, which is possible on these high doses even if love is the greatest truth of all, its possible to enter those states its absolutely amazing. Then I checked the time and it was 3pm and I was like yes its nearly over. I stayed in my room because I have anxiety of talking to people on trips because i secretly feel bad for taking them, like I'm willing to physically die for the truth, but my family and everyone in hell, and that feels a bit shitty to me, but i have to do it anyway so i try and keep away from people while tripping, also dont wanna get locked up. Then I was like, wait what was i even going through, I totally forgot, wait what even is a poisonous mushroom, totally couldnt comprehend it, was so confused. Then I was like what in the actual fuck is "death", what the fuck was i worried about, I can't even remember. What day is it today? Checked the day and it was "suuuundayyy" what in the fuck is that. then i checked the time and it was 10am, and I was like, wait did I make that entire trip up in my head and it never happened. So then I waited for my flatmate to come home, but she didn't. So I mustered up the courage to walk outside my room, and she wasn't there (she's my ex, and we have a deep platonic connection) and not only that, but all of her photos on the wall were gone. I went wait this is really weird, she's not hanging on the wall, I looked at my phone and she was there in what'sapp but I totally forgot who she was. And I had this sense that I completely made her up. I thought about my mum, and I thought wait did I make her completely up too. I looked around the room, it was 10am (I had memories of it being 3pm and coming out of the trip)... and it was 10am and stuck at 10am. I was walking around my apartment, looking at everything, and the 10am didn't change. And not only that, but I totally became conscious that the entire past didn't happen, and that I didn't actually take any mushrooms. (No joke i really didn't), and I thought, wait if i didn't take any mushrooms, of fuck no that means im high forever, I've got this massive body load and im in this state forever. I had this sense that I was in my room, walking out of my room on repeat. As soon as I walked out of my room, I opened my eyes and i was in my room again, and walked out of it again. And every time, the mushrooms were telling me, there's nothing to fear, no one exists. I tried making the 10am clock go forward, and everytime i tried i just couldn't do it. And I remember thing, omg i can't move it forward because ive completely forgotten death, and i know something which prevents me from moving the clock forward and for my flatmate to be real. Oh no what have i done ive just broken consciousness. But then it got worse, because its not that i broke consciousness, its that consciousness was always like this, and my entire life, literally all of it, was constructed by me walking into my room and getting lost in a thought story... fucken hell all of my family, friends, spiritual path, infinite love enlightenment, jeeeeeeeeze that was all a thought story that i got lost in(for a few minutes hahaha). I went please no, please not this can't be real, i miss my life, i miss my friends, i miss my journey. And there was no controller so even if i tried i couldn't because consciousness was completely in control. I oscillated in an eternal loop between trying to manifest all of my friends and especially my flatmate, then realizing i couldn't because i wasn't in control and I knew that there's no death. So i tried, realized i couldn't, tried again, realized i couldn't, on and on and on. Then i realized (and this fucken hurt) that all my goals were impossible to achieve, because i couldn't understand any of my goals. Its impossible to understand your goals, because "singularity" and that you just pretend to understand your goals because thats the only way to make duality happen. I realized that i couldn't pinpoint what exactly I liked about sex, its just movements, but what is it about those movements that I like, I couldn't figure it out. Then i had to realize that there's nothing in sex, at all. That fucken hurt. And same with enlightenment and everything else. Then finally i accepted it, "alright, I'm god, that entire life was simply a few minutes of me in my room getting lost in a thought story, and none of it is real, ok i gotta man up, take responsibility for my consciousness and make something of this" So I got rice from my fridge, and threw it all over the floor. Next i put a massive dent in my wall, not like anyone's gonna notice, because all there is, is me. Next i went onto my balcony, and looked at the world like it was inception(the movie) my hair was blowing in the wind like leonardo dicaprio, I clinged onto the balcony fence hard like a monkey and wondered "what would happen if I jumped off, should I try? This is afterall my world, I can do whatever the fuck i want, and no one is around to stop me" I got the rest of my subs chewed em, and spat them all over the fence of my balcony. Chuckling to myself "hahahah what an illusion, that these things make you high, im high all the time and those subs(mushrooms) do nothing" Then last minute "nah wont jump off the balcony, that's boring" I felt suffering for not having a flatmate and for realizing my crush was imaginary. I saw how she was empty, hollow, literally like a rock. She was still, not there, her personality wasn't there, made it entirely up. I EVEN MADE UP THAT IM STRUGGLING WITH WOMEN, OH ITS WORSE THEN STRUGGLING, THEY ARENT EVEN FUCKEN THERE. HOW CAN I GET BETTER WITH WOMEN IF THEY ARENT EVEN THERE, FUCK THE STRUGGLING IS DISTRACTING ME FROM THE FACT THAT ILL NEVER ACHIEVE GETTING A WOMEN BECAUSE SHE AINT THERE. FUCK. As god, you gotta man up and take responsibility for it, who else will do it hahahahaahhahahahahahhaha. I messaged her and admitted that i liked her, because she aint real anyway. So I thought, well as im god i have to create a crush, so i went to my phone, and looked at her profile and all of her messages, as a way of my creating her. Then I checked all of my flatmate's messages, as a way of recreating her. And I wondered to myself, how the fuck am i ever gonna come back from this, i know too much hahahahaahahahahahahahahahahha (very crazy madness laugh wahahahahahahahahahahheheheehehhohohohohoho) yeah of course, its impossible to come back from this stupid. And then it dawned on me, its time to live a life where i know that im god and everything is made up. Enough thought stories in my room, dreaming up all that crap, time to just live knowing that they are completely hollow and made by me. I even thought about my gay friend, and I literally took on his voice and acted like him, embodied him, because i made him up so i could, he's asian, and i looked in the mirror, and i was acting exactly like an asian gay dude OF COURSE IM GOD I CAN DO THAT. So as i was recreating everything (while stepping in all the brown rice on the ground) i tried to put my hand through the wall, and i couldn't, i thought why the fuck can't i, this is stupid im god i can do anything. Then i started contemplating, well wait what if my belief of what god is, is wrong. Then i got this grand sense of a super computer, and that consciousness was a super computer. Then this super computer started creating my flatmate's aura, my crush's aura. Then it started creating the aura or subtle body of my body, and i was just going woooooow wooooooow woooooow wooooow I was there watching it create the auras/subtle bodies of everything, just watching it in shock, time was moving forward because of this aura I was there going wooow wooow wooow sitting on the couch and as i was doing that my flatmate walked in and went "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE!!!! YOU PUT A HOLE IN THE WALL, OMG YOU RIPPED UP MY BOOK, OMG" and i was like, wait, but you're imaginary, you don't exist she still screaming " I CANT BELIEVE YOU DID THIS" in my head im thinking "mushrooms, this aint fair, i cant believe you did this to me" But the bigger question i was thinking, how the actual fuck did i come back from an experience like that. That blew my mind. And nothing was the same after that trip, it was a humongous awakening, far bigger then whatever you've read about. The interesting thing is, I have so much balls, that I decided to try that stunt again, in a months time, this time with 3-4 grams of subs, but lemon teked. And let me tell you, I went to the same solopsis place of omg im all alone and my life is just my in my room doing a thought story, but i remembered, this happened before, it'll happen again, you'll come back, and lo and behold, here i am typing. What happened in that second trip was a trillion times deeper then what you've read above. It makes what ive written above seem like 5 seconds of meditation I can't explain all of it, but some bits of it were: 1. I started actually having delirium level hallucinations, like datura. I saw my parents come into my apartment, and after the trip they actually didnt, it was impossible to tell that it was a hallucination. Like datura. It happened in several occasions including i was watching a yoga video to ground myself, and another teacher came in and interrupted the lesson, after the trip i replayed the video and none of that happened. 2. I saw myself from a 3rd person perspective, and was controlling my body from a 3rd person perspective. I was literally stuck in time again, this this time it was a lot harder to make the clock move forward. Had to do a lot of stunts to get there, the mushrooms really challenged me. I had to watch myself walk backwards to make the time rewind backwards so that i could make it go forward again. 3. half of my phone chopped off as i was looking at the time, like a video game having rendering issues, half the phone was gone and i saw all the components inside it, after the trip there was no cracks to my phone. 4. I got stuck in an alternative universe for a while, when the trip ended the first time, my dad was dead, and died ages ago, that freaked me the fuck out, somehow i got back to this universe where my dad wasn't dead. and much much more.... after that trip i realized that consciousness goes deeper and deeper and there's no end. So Leo, this isn't the pinnacle? This isn't beyond the pinnacle?