28 cm unbuffed

My ego and trauma were somehow connected. I understood love as suffering. My mother was a highly narcissistic and abusive person and the way she raised me made me understand and confuse these two subconsciously. This also influenced my love life, as you can imagine. I was drawn to narcissistic people and my world view was basically upside down. When the suffering became unreal and unbearable and my thoughts became so obsessive that I couldn't stand them anymore something broke down inside of me. Voice became quiet. I understood how I deluded myself my whole life about how unworthy, fucked up, and the bad person I am. Awakening process, shadow integration, dark night of the soul, and spiritual awakening came after that. Basically a burst of energy inside my body. I am a different person now. About your question - is it scary? Maybe it was easier for me, as I was fucking exhausted and drained from all of the suffering and I naturally wanted to end it and survive. It was a huge relief for sure. Experience is always less scary then your mind tells you it is, simple truth about life. It was exhausting, fucked up, interesting, that's for sure. Fuck scary.

I talked to my aunt and she told me one thing, Jesus' style. Love is the most important thing in the world. Without it, nothing else seems to have meaning. That was the part that I was missing in my life purpose sheet/vision board.

For the longest time now, I have this strange dilemma in my mind: "should I pursue women or just wait for the one". I know how it sounds, but don't get me wrong here. I do not believe in fairytale stories, but thinking scientifically about this stuff, in this era, there are more and more woke people on YouTube, that are sharing their stories, about how they found the one, after going through the journey of healing and fixing their shadow issues. It's just spiritually / metaphysics at its core - you just find a person that mirrors your vibration. My issue is - I am divided here. Looking for girls to bang my way to the one or just wait for the one? I dedicated years of my life to develop myself to the level, where I finally can say, that I love myself. That was my goal, before going on a journey to find a girlfriend. I am here now. And I do not want to fuck all of this up by banging some random girl but at the same time, I'm horny as fuck lol. And I think, I just need someone that will tell me "it's ok dude, go get some fun, it's not gonna ruin your progress, chillax". Uhh, what to do, what to do..

About shame - why do you think it works that way? Let's say, I feel shame f.e when I open myself emotionally, and when I am vulnerable. And this is the state when I am the most real that I can be, it just triggers shame, because you are not used to that and you are acting like a little shy girl.

Answer to your question: Depends on a person The end

@bejapuskas we all are thank you for your kind words

@bejapuskas I have heavily narcissistic personality, I am just not sure how much of that shit is just psychopathic shit that still needs healing and how much of that is authentic. Need for validation, approval, attention, self-esteem issues, etc.

And look for a fucking meaning of life, because right now, I don't see any

I feel like creating financial freedom, getting a motorcycle and travel the world, as Sadhguru did.

Yeah, I am at exact same stage as you are. Looking for a way to "close that chapter" in my life too. Please let me know when you'll figure that out, I will do the same of course. This is a video that I think is going to be helpful:

What do you guys think? I am just tired after 3 years of everyday work. Every day, all day. I just don't know how to go about it. Stopping reading, meditation, exercising habits, might not be the greatest idea.

Pause for a moment. Fuck him, he is a fucking piece of shit, we can agree on that. Revenge is great, do that, but the best way to do it is not because of him, to show him something, but thanks to him. Get yourself in better shape, get tons of money, get great success, so the next time he will hear about you, he will know, what he lost and how stupid he was. That will be the greatest revenge, don't you think? Movie style I am in a similar situation as you are. First, you need to understand, that this man in is great fucking pain, to do things like that, seriously. When you will understand him, you will understand yourself better, by forgiving him you will forgive yourself. It sounds woo-woo and really abstract, but trust me on that - I was dating a girl that turned out to be a whore. Great fucking experience finding that out. Nevertheless - try out hoponopono meditation, relaxation techniques, yoga, hot baths, whatever works for you. Find peace with yourself and work on yourself. After that, you can decide, if your sense of justice is really that strong and is it a real thing for you, are you really a "savior of the world" type of person or is it just out of grudge.

Dafuq what's so funny

Dude, in three years I healed all of my shadows and reached spiritual awakening, I have a strict daily routine, I am exercising, reading, meditating every day, have a clean diet. I really need some fucking break, read above please, how to go about it, without losing the progress?

@cypres Not sure if that is good or bad part her. I can only speak from my experience. I do this whenever my ego, my selfish side, my inner psychopath shows up. I am in control of it now, I integrated it and I am using it for good.

@Preety_India How did you go about it? I mean this part: Let's say, practically speaking, what is, in your opinion a better approach to this: blocking them and ignoring them, on let's say Facebook, or so keep them in your circle and stand for yourself. Isn't letting these things into your life and subconscious a self-damaging practice? What do you think?

I did they free intro video "courses" and that was a lot of information still. If you are able to implement all of the stuff that they are covering in these, you don't need more, these are like life basics.

Why do I have this strange self-sabotage mechanism, that I feel kind of ashamed of being smarter and having higher IQ than most of the people? It's bizarre. I do understand, that this might have been my mechanism to just fit into society, for people to accept me, but it's fucked up. It might also be the fact, that most of the people that I know, with high IQ, are also bad people. For me, the better you are, the smarter you are at the same time. How to get over it? I figured, that it also might be some kind of being brainwashed by society stuff (being a bad guy is cool, and bad guys always lose, so I'll sabotage myself to lose in the end). It's frustrating because it's like a backlash mechanism, whatever I start, I fuck it up in the end eventually, at least, that's how it was my entire life, now I am learning to let go of this strange urge. What I am asking about is - what might be another cause of it? The "root" of this cause? Thank you in advance for your answer.

@Harikrishnan I watched a video about it. You have to learn to fully trust yourself first, to then be able to trust others. And it becomes your second nature, you just know, you vibe with that person, you feel them. To trust yourself is to do, what you want to do, what you decided and keep your promise to yourself and train that everyday, until it becomes a habit and it's alive 24/7.

I understand her a little. I had the same issue as she has. I had this little "psychopath" inside of me, we all have. If you will not integrate it fully (basically a shadow work), you will act as she does - whenever it shows up, she starts to giggle a little, just to hide it, just to "smoothen the vibration", whatever you call it. Trust me, I know what I am saying. It's unintegrated lover archetype of your psyche, at least that's what it was in my case. The most animalistic and the godliest part of you, you can choose what you will do with it. Sex or love in other words. She is really narcissistic and it seems like she chose sex.

@Consept Tricky question. Like - could I love myself if I was the ugliest person ever? Don't know, would have to incarnate into one to experience that and know for sure. My whole life is a lesson of loving myself, I had to learn that, with abusive mother, narcissistic friends, being poor, short and shy. I didn't have any other choice. This is why I am really fucking developed and smart for my age, or at least I think that and I am pretty fucking proud of who I am right now. About comparing myself to others, yes that is true in a lot of ways. I was judging and criticizing people a lot in my head, constantly. I was giving too much shit about what other people think about me. These are all low self-esteem / low confidence determinants. I have a lot of knowledge, but not that much self-knowledge if you know what I mean. Let's say - getting at 5:30 is healthy and "the best way", according to science. But it does not mean it is best for me. But I was just pumping my ego with that knowledge and even though it was not the best option for me, I was still doing that, just to show others. Dumb shit.

@MsNobody My EQ increased by a lot and I am a lot more empathetic, kind person, than I was before, but I am still a really fucking selfish guy, to be honest, just like, let's say Leonardo in "da Vinci's demons" series (basically an arrogant, self-centered prick, a dodger, real-life Deadpool huh). I've read this book, in the earlier stages of my journey, that was my foundation and gave me an understanding of how to develop my brain and overall intelligence faster. About the heart thing, yeah, there is something there, as I am, let's say, like Leo - working hard and grinding like a mule, but there is no true, heartfelt motivation. I just do it not to be sad, depressed, not wanting to kill myself, as I wanted in the past. I have no real goal, no real purpose, etc., right now. I wanted to go to a point where I will achieve awakening and I thought that will be some kind of "the end", it isn't, and I am kind of disappointed, life just goes on and you still have to set yourself goals and push forward, that's just life lol. You have beautiful smile btw

@Leo Gura Check this one out:

@zeroISinfinity

https://tenor.com/view/he-man-laugh-laughing-feeling-good-orgasm-gif-10316505