tsuki

Believe me, I didn't come across as high on the narcissist scale to myself as well. The problem is that this place is easy to manipulate and you don't see just how angry and frightening I can come across in person. The truth is that I'm not talking about my marriage in any detail in here. It's horrifying.

I am a narcissist.

I lived my life by harming and manipulating others in order to avoid being the victim of traumas. In order to do that, I became something that is capable of greater harm than the monsters that tormented me. I feel disgusted, angry and terrified.

@remember Yes, thank you. I'll keep working on it.

That's exactly what was happening over the past two days. We truly love each other. I have a very deep fear of violating my boundaries. My parents used to do that A LOT and I learned to escalate. I am a misogynist because I had many unfortunate events regarding females in my childhood and I don't feel that they are trustworthy. Some of these memories are about my mother being very unjust and using physical violence against me. This is an ancestral wound, her parents did the same thing to her brother and he used to bully her.

No, it's not ok! I was traumatizing my wife by playing out my childhood traumas unconsciously! WHAT THE FUCK!

The extents of my misogyny are astronomical. I'm in the process of healing that. Everyone, I'm sorry for being such a tool for the whole time and thank you for your patience with me. @remember @mandyjw @Zweistein

Prior to Newton's invention of gravity, the fact that things were falling down was not the issue, not the point. Right now, you look from the vantage point where the gravity distinction has already been made, so OF COURSE things were falling down prior to Newton. But imagine if you were ignorant of that distinction. The fact that things fall down would be so obvious that this fact would be overlooked. Or, to put it another way - imagine that right now, there is some distinction that you haven't made yet. Let's call this distinction X. Do things happen in accordance to X, like they fall down in accordance with gravity?

Today I tried sleeping without a pillow and it wasn't bad at all. I mean, my neck loved it, but sleep was all jittery. I dreamed of being chased by a grizzly bear through a ladder and couldn't fit through the window at the top. My wife was in the room and I was yelling "let me in!" but she couldn't hear me. When the bear almost got me, my wife woke me up because my body was shaking lol. I also started a onenote journal so I will probably write here even less.

@mandyjw Nope, but now I'm curious.

?

Depression related to nihilism is caused by associating meaning with the apparent meaninglessness of the world. If the world is truly meaningless, the fact that it is meaningless is meaningless in itself. I'd expect you to be too conscious to be incentivised to 'add meaning to your life' at that point. What I did instead was plunging into the nihilism-related suffering and see through it, understand it. Good luck.

Vanilla sky.

@niko ev When meditating on the breath, I can shift the energy downwards, in the direction of the stomach. On the 'out' breath, breathe into your solar plexus. You can learn to move energy around your body this way. To let the energy out of the head, you need a relaxed throat. Do you sing?

I started going to the gym, today was the second time. I bought four sessions with a personal trainer and described the goal of the training as health, endurance and mobility. Today's session was about stretching the torso and stomach muscles and it was an awesome mindfulness practice. During the training, I realized that what I've been doing in my breathing practices is a muscle relaxation technique. At home, when I started breathing into my neck muscles, I had an emotional release and cried. We also bought a sofa and an armchair. They are so comfortable that sitting feels like I'm floating mid-air. They are not too soft so that you sink into them, and yet - not too firm to have a sore back. I'm a master at ignoring discomfort. No wonder that my body accumulated so many traumas/tensions.

The only thing that can die is your understanding of the world. When a person dies, it is painful because your understanding of the world is no longer relevant. The 'body-person' that no longer breathes was never alive in the first place. It was just a pile of rearranged food.

I just noticed this journal. I'm glad that you started!

It just struck me what the popular notion of death is. It is the world collapsing the bounded self into a conscious point-like singularity that has sight, but cannot see, has touch, but cannot feel etc. It is the total collapse. The more I understand, the more I get that the ego is such a sophisticated tool that it takes many lifetimes to master.

You're gonna love this @mandyjw.

@ActualizedDavid Because fame comes with certain responsibilities that you may not want to shoulder. Being famous for "no reason", is a pipe dream and a straight way to a mental hospital.

OH, now I get it!!!! Eureka!!! Jordan Peterson is afraid of post-modernism because it is the deconstruction of culture. He tries to understand the world through knowledge and he can't admit the possibility that it can always be deconstructed! He equates post-modernists with chaos and he can't see the harmony beyond the mind! The chief mistake he is making is that he tries to understand reality. He tries to gather examples and extract principles. That is not how it works! You cannot construct grace! Just imagine what would happen if he started tripping properly lol. That would be magnificent.

2:41 - a rant against postmodernism 4:17 - Deconstruction of the deterministic, Newtonian view of the operation of the ego on the basis of the fact that "objects" we perceive have no definite boundaries. 6:48 - the frame problem, "how to limit your perceptions". Emergent properties of systems. 8:40 - the archaic view of Sacred is grounded in the presupposition that the Absolute is "the sum total". The encounter with the Absolute is the encounter with all the consequences of the emergent properties of everything that exists. "The absolute is always something that transcends the finite frame you place around your perceptions". "Finger pointing to the moon": Concertizing it, representing it symbolically, denies its absolute nature. 9:50 - It seems like this is where Peterson confuses the "Finger pointing to the moon" with a moral statement that humans should be mindful of their finite capacity to understand. Weird. 10:25 - This is very yellow. Understanding reality requires multi-paradigmatic perception. 10:48 - Deconstruction of the ego. Actuality is "colored", "framed" by the wants of the ego. Ego as a walled city. Very reminiscent of existential philosophy of Martin Heidegger ('ready-to-hand'). The mind linearizes, simplifies, concretizes reality for the mind's purposes ignorantly. 12:17 - Context shapes distinctions that are used by the mind. "The room is a theater". "The room tells you what to do". The ego is not contained within a skull, the human is interspersed with its environment. 14:27 - "You are in a walled city". Walls are subtle. 14:40 - Yin yang. Peterson thinks that metaphysics aren't practical lol. Chaos vs order. Chaos attracts attention because you already understand the order. Personal failures are 'the world falling apart'. That relates to the previous sections with 'walls interwoven in reality'. Peterson seems to be terribly fearful of surrendering to life, he calls actuality "chaos". Total disregard of the underlying harmony of the world apart from human effort. 17:04 - Accidental descent into chaos is "the worst experience of your life", that is Peterson's projection. Confuses presence with emergency preparation mode LOL. Uses biology to justify the unwillingness to surrender (cortisol levels etc). 17:54 - Discussion of yin-yang symbol. Very good. Talks about enlightenment. 19:18 - Discussion of Christian symbols. Argues that society needs to be formed through effort of its members. Seems to be not aware that society emerged from nature's harmony (he calls nature chaos). "Chaos is murderous and unproductive". 20:36 - Society (order) as an archetype. Positive and negative expressions but only the negative ones are given emphasis. 21:38 - Nature as an archetype. Medusa is the unknown that "turns you into stone". Uses Buddhism to justify his worldview that "life is suffering". Implies that Buddhism views yin as the absolute. Uses that to justify his fear (I'm finite and I contend with the absolute). This is completely wrong, the absolute is not "lots of stuff". Infinity is not a number. At this point, I lost interest in dissecting it. There are very good yellow-level nuggets interspersed with fear-mongering. I watch Peterson's lectures from time to time and I'm steadily losing my interest in him because of this.

This one is awesome. He even mentions Godel's incompleteness theorem.

Freedom is correlated with selflessness. If you have the freedom to incarnate as someone in the past, the will to do so is not arbitrary. What most people call freedom is "I can choose this or that, or whatever else comes up my mind". After you're dead, the mind of the person (that you are currently reasoning with) will be gone. That is 'what is a person?' question. You can spend years contemplating it and no explanation will do it justice.