tsuki

Obviously, I don't know you, but it really sounds to me like you are not able to see past the stigma of homosexuality that has been imposed on to you. It sounds to me like you are doing a lot of mental gymnastics to convince yourself and your family that you are not gay. The problem is that, ultimately, you are rejecting and demonizing a part of yourself. You will not be happy this way. If swallowing a dick makes you happy, what's so wrong about it? Would it be so bad if you were doing that in a deserted island, just you and your partner? Having an image of a heterosexual man is only sensible of you are relating to other people.

@Buba Your country has a heavy stigma around homosexuality and it is not to be taken lightly. The thoughts you have about your homosexuality are not yours. It must be so difficult to constantly listen to them. When I read your story, I thought that your parents are not ready to face this stigma within themselves so they had to ostracize you. If your financial circumstances allow it, I suggest that you distance yourself from them because they will not help you heal. If you know that you are homosexual, then there is only one way to proceed from here. Accept it, and don't give power to thoughts that bully you.

Just finished a couple's therapy session with the new therapist and I'm wasted. My wife is crying in the other room. We ate a piece of cake each, a bag of potato chips in half and she wanted another bag for herself. It was a struggle for my inner abuser to let us go. My abandonment wounds are taking a heavy toll on my marriage, and they interact badly with my wife's financial habits. I feel at the mercy of my trauma because I don't control the pace of my healing. Even though I'm enjoying some progress, my inner critic demands healing to go faster. I intellectually understand that I'm not guilty of things that I've done because I was reacting to my emotional pain, but at the same time, my inner critic is beating me over it. It's like the line between my heart and reason was cut and there are two distinct entities inside. The emotional part is having a wide swings of moods and the observer is not always there to take care of the ego. I felt fantastic for the past week or so, even had a spiritual experience akin to my recent awakening, but I had a feeling that my wife is hiding her pain. She denied, but surely enough, I learned in today's session that I was not mistaken. I also started to work with my body more. I'm doing physiotherapy for my back and neck pain which synergizes surprisingly well with my psychotherapy. I feel like my body awareness has skyrocketed and I even did some running. For the first time in my life I feel genuinely happy to move and doing it just for the sake of feeling good. I recognize that it's a huge progress. I'm also very happy and thankful for my work. I find programming a much better fit for my temperament and interests. I'm designing and coding a new cryptocurrency exchange in java. Lots and lots and lots of learning - programming languages, modern ways of developing production grade software, various tools and libraries and data infrastructure (databases, caches, message brokers, etc). I'm also working in a team that learns agile development. It's super intense as I'm working in a team with other programmers. This aspect also interacts with my psychotherapy nicely because I can start some new relationships. It's very refreshing to work with very intelligent people that are a bit younger than me. I'm loving it. So, overall, I'm still sticking to my 2020 priority and it's evolving. Lots of work to do. I just hope that we can get through this as a couple.

Leo has a book on autism on his booklist.

Evil is your perception, it has no objective existence. People harm others because they are acting out their own suffering.

False God turns suffering into violence. True God turns violence into suffering.

I agree. "Spoiled" is a word with a very rich meaning. If a child is treated with no regard for its feelings, it is taught to think that it has no value. In the meantime, the mind learns to refer to itself the way a parent treated it, and if thoughts are believed, the predicament becomes stable. Vulnerability is demonized as 'weak' and treated with disgust, because the parent treated the child this way. It is a form of acquired self-hatred. By disconnecting the person from his/her feelings, you destroy empathy, which in turn is required to see other people's value. This creates the window for violence that is fueled by anger that is never even seen. It is there because there is no concept of boundaries for a person that thinks it has no value. First, the boundaries were destroyed by parents and then, this process was internalized and perpetuated for the whole life. That is why sociopaths are violent. Not just because it pays off, because there is no point in being successful if you think that you're worthless. I'd say that Trump's wealth as a child had a very little effect on him compared to how his father behaved.

Like having your psyche mutilated by him? I also didn't like his reactions to the material. He had a very clear agenda.

Imagine striving for 50 years, accumulating power and success to find peace, and failing because you're unknowingly trying to fill the vacuum your dad left after eviscerating your heart. That's my definition of hell. I feel genuinely sorry for him. I bet that not only is he incapable of feeling that he's been monstrously hurt, but he also is thinking that he's invincible.

"Not being as something" does not imply being unreal. You cannot experience it though.

Time does not exist as something. It is not 'now'. Time is the precondition of temporality, the possibility of past, present and future. In my particular existence as a human, I can only experience the present moment and imagine its consequences or origins.

I recently started appreciating having a place that listens, so I think that I will start posting again. I guess it's time for a new avatar too. The most significant development that happened recently was the fact that I experienced how, exactly, I am bringing the anger from my childhood into the present moment. I don't know the exact configuration of events that trigger me, but I have the general picture about the circumstances in which I have a high chance of snapping. Currently, I'm working on aggression: it's roots as well as its healthy and unhealthy manifestations. I'm reading Jesper Juul's book on aggression, but I can't seem to find its international title to share.

@Onemanwolfpac While I see that being a one man wolf pack is a way to avoid the gender wars, it is a solution only in subjective sense. I believe that the connection with the other gender is worth taking the risk and I hope that one day, if the opportunity presents itself, you will not be afraid to take the shot. I never had a home as a child, so the only one I will ever have is the one I will build. Bless you.

Either the threat is not severe enough, or the political scene is not mature enough to have a conversation about sexuality. I suspect the both are the case. Traditional marriages are dissolving because the way in which we raise children is different. We understand first hand the raising is different from training and that enforcing rules by punishment does more harm than good. However, we don't know the alternative yet and we're very confused about how to express our not-so-desirable emotions, so of course all kinds of relationships suffer. Marriage is particularly difficult because of generational trauma. While it is good that women start to stand up for themselves, men can't see their own involvement in the problem because: they usually think that they are invincible by shutting their emotions off were raised by mothers angry at their husbands with no outlet for that emotion other than a defenseless boy. The first step for healing is to acknowledge the existence of a deep wound that has been perpetuated for generations. The second step is to approach the other gender with empathy instead of insults, anger and shaming.

I absolutely love this channel. Movies are some of the best sources of knowledge if you know how to read them.

This is very interesting. Dan Saks talks about how to connect with people that have used C for years and how to convince them to try C++. This is not a talk about programming languages, but about people, psychology and paradigms.

Consider the possibility that you are pushing yourself too hard and not respecting your own boundaries. As random as it may sound, Shrek is an awesome character to study if you want to learn more about that.

Objective facts exist, but there is nothing objective in how we use them.

If you feel that it's important to you, then it's not stupid. You are ridiculing your feelings. It's perfectly fine to be unsure whether you want to have children or not. It is also fine to avoid committing to a partner that forces you to make this choice prematurely. However, there are two points to consider: The perfect partner does not exist. There ought to be incompatibilities, even huge ones. Still, love is a choice. Once you choose to love a person, it's very difficult to un-love her. Moving on to the next woman may leave you comparing her to the former one. Making choices when you're under the influence of strong emotions is a bad idea. Even if you make the right choice, you may feel unsure afterwards for a very long time and second-guess yourself. Let it cool off.

yep

@WHO IS In the absolute sense, there is no evil. Relative to my feelings though, there is. It exists because freedom is more fundamental than anybody's convenience. Some people bring their unhealed trauma into the present moment and react to it. Sometimes, it's impossible to get through to them. In many cases, it's because everybody is too busy judging the 'perpetrator'. Usually though, it's because nobody is strong enough to love him/her and show them the other way. It's absolutely impossible to force someone to change.

It's the hallmark of enneagram type 6. I'm a type 6 myself. MBTI and enneagram are not behavioral, but cognitive and can't be reliably tested. I suggest typing yourself after you've learned the system as a whole, by inspecting your experience. This is an awesome channel that goes through the enneagram types: https://www.youtube.com/user/LaursenBo/videos And here's one for MBTI: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmDcT_Pujk8vOcxk_IcnxtQ

I do. Can get pretty hairy though.

The very fact that the mathematics is defined as non-contradictory is what makes it a terrible language for this kind of work. The Absolute is the ultimate paradox.The Father of all paradoxes.