tsuki

♥️

Thank you!

What you seem to be saying is that children are more pure because they can't be deceived by the thinking mind. What I'm saying is that the thinking mind has a purpose apart from mere deception, and this purpose evenly balances the inconvenience. Adults have as much capacity to partake in infinite intelligence as children do. I think we understand each other and it's okay to agree to disagree. All I'm saying is that paradoxically, when things go full circle, we don't end up in the same place because we're different people. This is why I think that children are not enlightened - because they haven't gone through the journey. And yes, I agree that development and enlightenment are relative.

The theory of corruption cannot possibly be true and here's why: If children are "corrupted" by rigorous conditioning, how did the environment become corrupted in the first place? This theory implies that environment is composed of adults which corrupt children because they have been corrupted themselves. All of this is based on corruption that is assumed and never explained in its origin. I never meant to imply that the child is "corrupted" from the inside and becomes the adult. What you call "corruption" is merely a part of natural development that has to go through phases of excess (like overthinking) to bring something into conscious attention (like false use of language and the nature of feeling). The child cannot be conscious of its feelings, what they are, unless it can think about them. A fish cannot know water unless it has experienced air. In terms of this metaphor, enlightenment is seeing oneself as a dolphin. I think that this this is the basic misconception. The child has the purest, most direct connection with its own essence, inner truth, via feelings. The child cannot ever lose that connection, be manipulated into being something else than itself, because the child is that connection. The child never "goes" anywhere, even in the most severe cases of narcissism, or mental illness induced by excessive thinking. In fact, that suffering is experienced through feeling, through the body, and is a clear message that the thinking narrative is false. Of course, this suffering is often blamed onto something external, which is an important mechanism through which the ego sustains itself. Language has this curious property that it can relate back to itself. It creates the possibility of falsity through circular reasoning. It allows us to create paradoxical mental constructs that attempt to extend the lifetime of truth, capture it as "knowledge" that is disconnected from present, from feeling. It's no wonder that it takes us so long to mature, thinking is extraordinarily deceptive. Perceiving hierarchies is a by-product of thinking disconnected from feeling. Every person has a unique, incomparable, truth and its own path. All comparisons are relative to your own self-concept.

Your theory hinges upon the duality between children and adults. Humans never cease to be children - the adult grows "over" the child, in layers. One could even say that it is not the adult who created the armor built of beliefs, assumptions and projections. The adult is made of them and it's the child's doing. The child does it naturally and spontaneously. If you think that the child only becomes 'corrupted' because it has been conditioned by the 'evil society', etc - think again. How did the first corrupted man, in the 'pure society' come about? I'd argue that there was never such a thing and this notion that adults are impure while children are pure (and vice versa) is false altogether. As it is taught by integral theories of human development, our evolution is driven by crises. We become conscious of something that was running amok and we need to own that part of ourselves and harmonize it with our entire being. It is no different for the thinking mind that first is absent, then dominates, and finally is seen through and put into proper context among feeling, intuition and sensing. I do agree, however, that we, as a society, are fetishizing thinking (verbal logic) over feeling and it is the root cause of many of our problems. We are also diminishing the importance of our bodies in favor of minds, which is preposterous, as our bodies are THE source of wisdom.

I spent yesterday afternoon on working with I Ching, the Oracle of the Cosmic Way. I inquired the Sage about my trip and the hexagram I received in the morning warned me against making hasty conclusions about my childhood condition. The Sage informed me that it was caused by a projection* that I placed upon myself during my two childhood accidents. It was caused by feelings of guilt and fear of punishment. I was instructed to perform a meditation to free myself of it and I will keep doing it every day until I receive a "No" using RTCM. Today I woke up rested, but my feet were hurting. * Projections are defined in I Ching as harmful thoughts that create discordant reality. I also asked the Sage how to understand myself more deeply and the hexagram I received encouraged me to ask the questions that intrigue me. So, I asked: Given that the Nature is abundant, why does it allow for false, harmful, use of language? I received hexagram 34, Power with 5th changing line, but RTCM showed that it did not answer this specific question and is related to my father. For now, I can't interpret it clearly.

Pretty destabilized atm. Had a few episodes of mild paranoia where I was questioning whether I was really married, or just deluded myself into believing so to avoid being lonely. Tonight, I woke up with a lot of fear relating to my psychological state, losing grip on reality. I don't remember ever experiencing such a state before. My wife was also having a difficult night, so we had a tea and talked. Strangely enough, our emotional state is intertwined, my wife is also having a lot of psychological turmoil recently. She's having a lot of insights into her unhelpful routines related to binge eating. She's made so much progress ever since she started doing cognitive-behavioral therapy. I'm so proud of her. Anyways, I drew a hexagram in the morning and I got no 58. it was very helpful, I felt forgiven. The Sage consulted me to stop drawing definite conclusions and consult him/her in this respect. I feel compelled to do so. Every trip I took so far was difficult, but I refrained from calling them "bad trips". This time, I feel pretty violated. I don't think I was ready to do 2 trips in 2 weeks. I almost flushed the remainder of my LSD down the toilet tonight. My wife advised me to wait until I feel less emotional. Anyways, I need to ground myself in my routines for the time being, regain my balance.

Alright, I'll try to describe what was happening yesterday, but it's going to be visceral. I started the trip with a question: what should I do to stop judging myself? How do I love myself more? I took the tab (~100ug) and after half an hour went to the restroom. After my previous trip, I was still in the afterglow of my realization that there was such an extraordinary amount of judgement about my ass. Like literally, tons, and tons, and tons, of judgement. How can I ever hope to love myself if there is a part of me that I routinely feel ashamed of, that there is smelly waste leaking out of? And my ass is, well... completely innocent. Then, I went to bed because I was approaching the peak. I felt so much cold in me feet and I realized that this cold is not to be dismissed like I usually do. Usually, I dismiss it as my body having trouble with temperature regulation as a side-effect of taking the drug. This time however, I saw the lack of love. It hit me, like a ton of bricks, that there are MOUNTAINS of judgement stored in my feet. In my youth, I had mobility problems and my parents took me to many hospitals, trying to fix it/help me, but it was never properly diagnosed. Officially, it was said to be JIA, but I never believed it to be the case. Anyway, I started crying. I cried for what felt to be an eternity and my feet desperately needed love, but I could not muster any. I felt so sorry for them and so grateful that they took me so far. I felt guilty for not taking enough care of my body, unworthy of it. It is so infinitely wise, deep, and giving and wants very little in return. My feet were SCREAMING. YELLING. They wanted love. They needed love and I didn't know how to love my feet. Desperate, I took a big bowl, poured some hot water in and started massaging them, crying. I did that until the water went cold and repeated it, with soap this time. I stopped when the water became cold again. I saw just how much of my character was "grounded" in my feet, my stubbornness, resistance, etc. I felt like this was the wound and it hurt SO MUCH that I barely was able to contain myself. In the meantime, I understood that I've been a dumpster for my family's emotional problems that they needed to uphold the illusion of normality. That they were using me as a scapegoat my whole life, just so that they could avoid thinking about their own actions. Right now, I can imagine that I was actually healthy, but in their twisted fucking minds, they found some imperfection in the way I walked and started talking and worrying about it. I wanted connection and love, so what would an abandoned child do to get their parents' attention? Anyway, for the rest of the trip, I was grateful for having a body and DESPERATELY wanting to love it and accept it, exactly as it is. On the other hand, my body was in such pain, such agony, that every fiber of my being, every pore of my skin, every hair in every nook of my body yelled NO! NO! NOOOOO!! So I lied there, unable to move, hovering in vacuum between love and pain, not even caring any more. I was like the embodiment of everything despicable in this world, everything wretched, ugly, and unsightful, and I WANTED TO LOVE THIS MISERABLE CREATURE SO MUCH! AND I COULDN'T MUSTER ANY DROPLET! I WAS COMPLETELY DRY! And every ideology came to save me, Christianity, Leo, Materialism, and I didn't want it, I just wanted to love this hairy little broken creature until I gave in. I took my favorite scapegoat, caffeine, and blamed it onto it. I came across this thread and started listening to Bob Marley. Bob Marley saved me. It's that simple. You just surround yourself with things that make you feel good, and you feel good. I slowly started coming back, being nourished by his music. After some point, I started watching Shrek and watched it for the rest of the day, observing its archetypal structure with my wife. Absolutely brilliant movie about stories, expectations, masculinity and femininity.

LSD trip report #4: don't you fucking ever mix LSD with caffeine. Ever. Remember that Bob Marley is love. I really envy you fuckers that can put up these beautiful trip reports. I'm struggling my ass off to love my ass.

"the sage", "wise", "benevolence", "rectitude", "ingenuity" and "profit" are labels that make us judge things as desirable. When we think of judgement, we usually think of "negative" labels such as "fatty", "fa*", "idiot", etc. Lao tzu asks you to stop judging whatsoever. Remember that "I" is implicit in "you".

For those of you who use spotify, I also found a podcast with him that discusses the animation: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7CUrN6kgz7V3VPqiTElja6

In case you've never seen it:

@Zanoni Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.

It depends on the load that the you-thought used here carry. If "you" implies a human being, then "progress in consciousness" is the ability to perceive reality as it really is. Does such a "you" lose progress if its head is hit with a hammer? Do not confuse states of consciousness for consciousness. You are absolutely infinite and as such, contain your own opposite. You cannot be "stabilized" into any particular form or shape. You are what you are. Love it.

We watched Phoebe in Wonderland yesterday. It's a fantastic movie about children and childhood. I highly recommend it.

I always thought that my love life in my teens was so lackluster. That I haven't explored nearly enough. I judged myself for not knowing how to flirt with women and "pick" them. As it turns out, I had more unrecognized relationships with men, then I had with women. I was just blind to them! HOW CAN SOMEONE BE BLIND TO THAT?! And my relationships with women were so weird! I mean, they were perfectly understandable given just how emotionally closed my mother is, how difficult it is for her to show affection. She was a police officer specializing in sexual crimes! And my sadism makes SO MUCH SENSE RIGHT NOW! My wife just spelled it out for me today, it never occurred to me with so much clarity before that I just wanted her to be interested in me! HOW INSANE IS THIS?! A child can subconsciously pick EXACTLY what to become so that its mother takes care of it. I don't remember EVER doing this deliberately, like I did some things just to hurt my parents. It must have happened so early in my life! I don't think so, not in this sense. Having recognized my bisexuality, I now see that I had some friends that are definitely straight and I did not have this kind of relationship with them. We were close, friends, but it was never anything beyond that. We grew apart and they don't come up as thoughts/voices in this manner. They don't "haunt" me. My "masculinity" makes SO MUCH SENSE right now. The fact that it's so eerily juvenile sometimes and has this childish fascination with brutality. I was SHOWING OFF and hiding in plain sight! And I had such an ambivalent relationship with it. I loved and hated it at the same time. I was cruel and loving/affectionate at the same time. Completely blows my mind. I'd chat you up, hahaha. You're my type .

I'd say that admiration is the mental component of attraction. Attraction is also physical. I never allowed myself to have an erection when thinking of a man, but I had symptoms such as waves of heat and a racing heart. Moist and pink come to mind when I think about that feeling. Think about having a crush. You admire this person so much that you idealize them. You think that they are perfect for you, that your life is fixed now and will never be complete without them. This is love in infancy and is driven physiologically, "chemistry". When it's more mature, it's also about looking for intimacy, sharing your vulnerable self, and being partners for life. It's about feeling accepted and creating a home, a place where you can be yourself. Even if you grew apart and interact sporadically, you still think of them as someone special and precious. There is a longing for them and a certain kind of sadness that it didn't work out. It's especially shocking for me because I had these full blown platonic relationships with men I never even recognized. I though that this is how friendships work and I though that I'm a weird, overly intimate friend and I'm like that because of my childhood. That I was so desperate for attention that I don't even care if it's coming from a man, or a woman. I even flaunted my wife in one of my "friend's" face on one occasion and it haunted me for YEARS. I couldn't understand why I did that! I though that I was teasing him because I knew that he hated when couples held hands in public. I was jealous of him having so much success with women, I thought this was rivalry, but I never suspected that it was women were my rivals. I make much more sense to myself now, but it's still very difficult for me. I'm suspecting myself for really being gay and hating myself for it for whatever reason. I do love my wife and I can't even comprehend how well she's taking all of this. She probably suspected as much because she's been attracted to gay men before and she's also bisexual. Life is so weird.

I'm a bisexual, feminine, man raised by demanding parents in a hyper-masculine environment. I hate my own femininity. Over my adolescent years, I had 5 male friends that were not merely friends to me. I'm just starting to acknowledge the feelings I had for them. During my trip I realized that I'm not afraid the world in itself. I'm afraid of people's judgement. I'm also afraid of homelessness. I was always homeless. The only home I will have is the one I will create. Home is acceptance.

We just started watching shrek 2. We're 5 minutes in and I already know that it's the best couples' therapy session.

Home is acceptance.

Aaand I'm also bisexual. Everything suddenly makes much more sense.

This is the weirdest thing I have ever learned about myself. I modeled my adult self after a character called smuggler. Smuggler was an editor of a polish gaming magazine called cd-action that I used to read when I was a small kid. He used to reply to fans' letters in a section called action redaction. I remember reading a lot of that stuff when I was raising myself. Smuggler was a guy nobody could find, there were memes in that magazine about fans trying to meet him in the office, but he was a recluse and would never meet them. He even started spreading rumors that he does not exist, etc. Few years ago I heard that the head editor of that magazine came out and said that smuggler was his alter-ego. Today it struck me that probably many of the fan letters in that section were made up as well and I was using THAT as a basis for my adult self. I literally gave birth to someone else's figment of imagination. I learned that during today's LSD trip.

I'm better than ever, but still going through a lot of pain. At least I know where it's coming from and decided to take good care of myself. Me and my wife are mostly spared from the pandemic related panic because we were never into TV. My mother is getting on my nerves though, this situation is driving her nuts and she's crossing people's boundaries "for their own good". I'd say "fuck her", but I've been through my own childhood and I wouldn't wish it upon my potential sibling. The government decided to limit the amount of people allowed in shops, so getting food is a pain in the ass. They also forbid us from using public bikes so I had to give up on that in favor of my car. I really enjoyed riding to my new workplace. I love programming and I'm really happy when I'm not criticizing myself for being impractical and too abstract with my approach. The office is half empty and I'm pretty lonely, with nobody to talk to. I do like my new colleagues and one of them is a potential friend. How are you guys doing? Does it get more difficult in smaller towns?

I just picked that book and "randomly" opened it at chapter 12. Spot on.