LastThursday

Sorry I was being a drama queen. What I meant was that people can and will believe anything they like, including thinking that they're are now more smart than they used to be, even though it's not true. Otherwise known as self-delusion. It's trouble because you think you're getting somewhere when you're not.

I'm into numbers and maths. I'm definitely not into numerology. For me it's like a see-saw with maths on one side and numerology on the other. Here's an elaborate example I cooked up one day, just to show how a numerologist's mind works and why a knowledge of maths undermines it. 19: I am a child of the moon The Metonic cycle is 19 years in length which is 235 lunations (full moons if you like) nearly exactly. After which the sequence repeats. It can be used to predict eclipses (nothing weird here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metonic_cycle) My year of birth is 1972. Adding the digits we get 19 (getting weirder, but there's loads of these sorts of numbers). When I was 19 the year was 1991 (nice, a palindromic number. Adding the digits gives 20: go figure out why). Lets multiply: 19x91 = 1729 (more weirdness, the digits are rearranged, it must mean something right?), obviously still adds to 19. 1729 is a very famous number, it's a taxi cab number. It's the smallest number that can be expressed as the sum of two cubes (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1729_(number)). Or for a numerology angel, I mean angle: http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/2014/06/angel-number-1729.html Multiply again 17x29 = 493. So? Then multiply by 4 again = 1972. Lovely. Total coincidence, mathematically though. For all those riddlers and numerologists out there, when was my birthday? And other than my birth, what was momentous about that day? What phase of the moon is it? Numerology: just say no. You can find any patterns you like in numbers to justify your beliefs. Numbers are just that, a way of counting things.

By whose standard? I suppose you could compare your new self to your old self and use that as a standard, but it's asking for trouble and delusion.

If it were to suddenly happen, they would probably call it enlightenment.

The circularity makes me feel queasy. Adults teaching children who become adults teaching children... I guess the idea of being smart must come from somewhere though right? Although, it's totally possible that my thought that I'm smarter than a child is actually bogus and I'm utterly deluded. Although, I was using the analogy, so that @rnd could get a handle on what it's like to think you're smarter than someone else, the sensation of it. The potential for smartness is already there in the open awareness. The only thing that changes is that the open awareness gets to know itself, in ever more intricate ways and actually becomes smart in the process? Maybe smartness is mostly just a cultural phenomenon and not real in any sense? Dunno, all just ideas.

@rnd it really boils down to awareness. A smarter person is more aware. If you want to know what it's like, talk to a child. See how you understand what's going on much more than they do, you're smarter than them.

@Leo Nordin I appreciate your sentiment and I'm grateful for you taking an interest in me. This journal is a place for me to dump my ideas, so I don't really want to fill it up with conversations discussing my own development, that should happen somewhere else (PM me or post questions in the forum). However, if you just want to comment on my ideas here then please feel free.

Nothing Arising From Something What gets missed when asking the converse of this question is what exactly the nothing is. Can and does nothing exist? Does the word "nothing" point to anything at all? With my programmer head on, is the word "nothing" a dangling pointer, and what happens when we try and dereference it? It's super obvious that there is something. That something is all around us all the time. Where does nothing sit in all this somethingness? It's a concept duh. If you have a box full of something and you take out all that something, you're left with a box of nothing. The only way to explain nothing is to remove something. That removal is a finite process, otherwise something wouldn't exist if the removal were an infinite process. Nothing is always framed by something. How about a special "nothing" not couched in something? Can a word in fact not point to anything at all? Yes. Here's one: ughert. But you can tell already that it's pretty useless as a word. Ironically it's a better word for spiritual nothing than "nothing" itself is. Really, we have no idea what spiritual nothing is. So we're free to equate ughert with something if we like, but it's meaningless. Something does not arise from ughert.

@Leo Nordin enlightenment can't be forced. That's like trying put a leash on a cat.

05:47 I've always liked that synth choir effect. This is simply beautiful: Ok there's a theme. At least I remember the second directly, the first not, I was too young and in living Spain. I only caught it on repeat. Not quite a chorus. But it's a similar effect, breathy vocals. I still love it. Don't forget for a few years around 1980, French was very in, thanks to Blondie: You can taste the Punk and Ska (Carribbean ) influence in this Frenchified song. One, two, one, two, one, two.... Proper Punk: Which kind of transmuted into: Which lead to a slow motion Punk: Sun is up. Going for a cold walk. 06:21 am.

@PureRogueQ No, well spotted. It just arose from nowhere and subsided into no-nothing.

@Inliytened1 thanks mate. These free will questions drive me to insanity. My personal opinion? No free will. More accurately, God has free will and you are God.

Ah Jesus. For the first time in what like literally decades, I've decided to stay awake all night. It's super tempting to go for a walk at nearly 2 am here in UK land. But it's probably effing freezing. One day I may well recount my story of tonight on here in this uber-public journal. But not right now. Read my journal in depth and between the lines to get behind the story. 2am walks were de rigeur in my twenties, usually home from a club. I've broken several @LastThursday rules today, and engaged my kink. Three double shots of brandy and a pint of beer, so far. Gotta admit I'm feeling kind of liberated, not so much by the alcohol, although that helps. Let's just say expressing a side of my identity I seldom express is a relief. At least I haven't engaged with caffeine, that's a sweaty lightheaded wide eyed bunny insomnia I've avoided. Lockdown has been brutal. I've just looked at these four walls for a year solid. Human contact has be 2d for the most part. But I've been able to connect 3d with some friends and my mum (bless her). I've patrolled the environs of Tunbridge Wells like a security guard during lockdown, mostly as an exercise in exercise. There's a historical phrase for patrolling county boundaries but for the life of me I can't find it on my favourite search engine. I find myself here more often than I find myself at work. What does that say? Whatever it is being here brings me, is more important than work. My intuition is literally screaming at me and yet my rationality is saying fuck off, stick with job, earn money, have warmth and anaesthesia. I have previously succumbed to intuition and not particularly regretted it, but it wasn't sustainable. Like it or not I'm inculcated in Brit society, there's a lot of lateral leniency in what I can do, but not quite enough for me. I must get my fucking Spanish dual nationality, that way I can bypass the Brexit bollocks. But I have to live a year in Spain to do it. Try doing that at 48. No gracias, es muy dificil. 02:42. More browsing.

@Preety_India girl, your written use of English is superb, forget the disorder. Ok, alright, naturally, there's always room for improvement in any discipline. Here's a few things I use in writing, for what it's worth: Three word lists. Sex is like sunshine, thunder and rainbows. My favourite foods are omelettes, sushi and steaks. Alliteration. Sensusal suffering sadists. Improvising imperious imps. I often succeed in social settings. I think I thought that I was intelligent. Five or six sentence paragraphs. Interjection. Despite my hunger - which was self induced - I held off from eating. I enjoy dressing in pretty clothes, mostly on Sundays, but my boyfriend hates it. My religion (Islam) doesn't allow me eat pork. Metaphor, analogy and simile. Self developement is like a tomato plant, it always bears fruit. She sang like a nightingale. Skating on thin ice is dangerous, you're skating on thin ice Mr. Tell a story, beginning, middle and end with punchline. Morality stories are good. Metaphors are good, where the metaphor is realised at the end. Story tryptich: tell them what's coming, tell them what the story is, summarise or recap what you said. News stories are invariably delivered this way. Disjointed concepts. She whispered with her cherry red lips and my love blossomed. Repeated phonemes. What's not anticipated in today's culture will suprise us in future. I'm sure there's loads more. Practise, practise, practise (three word repeation for emphasis).

Self hypnosis, Fiona is good: Or this one works wonders on my Monkey Mind (if I don't actually fall asleep): Or ambient music.

What's your kink? Patent pink leather high heeled shoes. Black opaque tights. Long striaght black hair. Blue eyes. Gold in abundance. Tights? I mean stockings, thigh high. Enough for a handful, C or D. Confidence and knows their own mind. Skin colour optional. Must have energy and verve somwhat sill humour. Ablilty to laugh easily and show some teeth. Good with tongue. No pouting. No horses, pets, or familiar exes. If can speak several languages or can sing or play an instrument or all of those, then that makes me intellecutally wet. In fact anyone that can outdo me in the word department. Must be able to run hand through hair and it just flows. Vertical length has varying different effects. Acreage and smoothness is something to get lost in. Compactness is better for enveloping and sending to ecstatic bliss. Curly haired can be kink too, but must be wavy for best effect. Sensually wavy like actual ocean waves. Dress wearing, everything flowing as one, no dijoint aspects. Enjoys sunshine water sand surf exhibitionism. High maintenance exterior low maintenance interior. Must travel must wield a hammer or power tools must be able to change a bulb or a plug without assistance. Not bitter, a bitch, unhinged, neurotic, astrological, new age or offwith the faries. Dark and heavy eye liner with a flick. No eyebrow plucking whatsoever. Tatoos must be strategic or everywhere. Did I mention smooth and translucent skin? Must enjoy makeup as a form of expression rather than a mask. Must be able to go completely natural. Intelligence is a bonus, especially if can outdo me. And a bit of kink goes a long way. @Leo Nordin how did I do? Marks out of ten please. Categories are Letting Loose, Intellectual Disection, and Attachment to Patterns of Thinking. P.S. Fuck I forgot, must love pink.

@Leo Nordin you're very kind. I only edit spelling mistakes and missing words. You see my fingers have a mind of their own. I don't generally edit anything else, it comes out all in one go. For example my love letter was done in one go without editing at all - not even spelling mistakes - that was most definitely me letting loose. But you are definitely right, if you want to communicate well you have to put things together well, sometimes choosing a better word helps. It's all about improving my communication skills as much as possible. Plus, I've always fancied myself as a writer, but don't have the passion for it. This spills over into other things. If you notice where you go wrong or make mistakes or could have done things differently, then you should correct yourself for next time. It's a simple and effective strategy. Anyway just for you, my next post will be completely unedited and loose, warts and all.

@Leo Nordin you're going have to be more specific with your requests.

We all are all born by the magic of the universe. But we are reproduced nonetheless. Our bodies are a mix of our parents' bodies. Jesus was in the shape of a man. Moses in the form of a baby.

Materially: reproduction. Spiritually: uncovering the absolute nature of reality. As to why? None of us would be here without reproduction. And without the absolute, there isn't a reason for our existence.

What's the best strategy to win a game? Depends on the game right? What happens when the game is real life? Take sex, attraction and finding a mate or even plain just finding a friend. Is there a best strategy? The answer appears to be no. For every good logical strategy there's an alternative non-intuitive strategy. I use the word strategy because I'm talking about games. Let's talk about chess for example. What are the basic intuitive strategies in chess? Well the most obvious one is to take your opponent's piece if possible. Of course you have to maneouvre yourself so that you can actually take a piece. The second is blocking, where you intentionally block your opponent from being able to maneouvre into position. These two basic strategies can then be piled up on to each other by both sides. A pawn can be pinned where there are a series of threats and blocks leading to a position were either side finds it hard to act. Are there any unintuitive strategies in chess? A slightly less so one, is pawn promotion, where you doggedly push the pawn forward until it hits the last rank and turns into a powerful queen. Another is to reduce your chances of blocking yourself by sacrificing pieces. Maybe another is to play quickly or slowly to confound your opponent's pace. The non-intuitive strategies are endless. And so it is in real life. In reality the number of options available are large in any one moment. To employ a one size fits all strategy is both unimaginative and can be innefective or at least less efficacious. Real life requires imagination, improvisation, lateral thinking and risk taking in addition to convention or tried and tested methods. But just as playing chess is an endless process of mastery, so is finding your next girlfriend or life partner.

@Preety_India you're so sweet, you make this old Brit's heart feel younger. @Leo Nordin I ask myself that question every day and get a different answer each time.

I'm on a roll... A Love Letter To Nobody I can't stop thinking about you. That first time you were an apparition of beauty and sensuality. I was transfixed, but then immediately I blushed at my uncontrolled emotion. I thought I had temporarily gone insane. You saw me as translucently as glass smeared with my embarrassment and childlike fascination. I knew that you knew, it was unbearable, I was blissful and euphoric. When you decided to bring your cherry red lips close and whisper those words I shall never forget, my love for you blossomed and has been unshaken ever since. I do believe I have become lost to you and unable to return or even remember that insignificant former incarnation. When did we become one? That first day we awoke together exposed and at each other's mercy? That second day your laughter took hold of my soul? I don't know. I don't want to know. This love is not something to unknot with fleeting thoughts. I love you.

Is it possible to name God? Surely, that's what I've just done? Slapping a label on something doesn't exactly tell you what that something is. The other problem is that the label must be attached to something that is definable. Here's where we come unstuck. To name God we must define God otherwise we're just playing word games and getting nowhere. What I mean by this is that we can band around "God" as if we knew what is being talked about; but in actuality not having defined what God is, we don't actually know what we're talking about - this is a problem. Ok, let God be defined as everything. Very good, nice and simple and we can state that whatever we choose to focus on, that is God. So then there's the small problem of parts or whole. If God is everything and we concentrate on a small part of that everything, say an apple, is that apple God or not? If not, then if we take two apples, is that God? If we go on taking larger and larger numbers of fruit and throw in cows and sheep and people and and and... is that God? Clearly there's something fishy going on. Ok, let's change our minds, let's say an apple is a part of God. Is that God? No. God is everything (that's the definition), an apple is an apple. Ok let's shift our definition. Let God be composed of parts that when taken altogether go to make up God. Good. God is the set of all parts taken together. So is God one thing or many things? What else is like God? Hmm. How about consciousness? Yet another label, yet another definition. So substitute "consciousness" for "God" in the above and rinse and repeat. Where does this get us? Well if God is everything and consciousness is everything, then surely they must be identical? They are two labels pointing to the same definition. Notice that the problem here is not the labels, but the definition. Everything means everything without exclusion: objects, thoughts, memories, smells and so on. Included in that definition however, is the concept of everything itself (now we're on really shaky ground), this is because all concepts are included in everything. We can indeed have a definition that includes itself (for example a fractal). But it's not at all clear that our direct experience of consciousness includes itself (you know what I'm talking about eh, or do you?). This is were the map is not good enough to describe the territory. The concept of everything is simply not up to the task of describing our supposedly concious experience. Consciousness cannot describe consciousness (!). It is possible to name God. But what we think the word refers to is only a map to an indescribable territory. Words are not powerful enough.