LastThursday

An ocean in a salty tear, a blink a blink for every year, that passes by, Tell me: what trick am I?

Cool breeze against my skin, Soft warmth of breathing in, Waves break gently again, and again, Where did I end, or begin?

I think many get their knickers in a twist about wasting time and being distracted. Think less about thinking less about being and distraction and wasting time, it's a distraction and it wastes time. Instead. Breathe. There's no question about not being 'concious'. You are conscious 100%, every second of your existence; there is no 'off' button. There is no better or worse, full stop. All comparisons are utterly ridiculous and futile. There is no insanity, because in the end that's just a comparison: which is utterly ridiculous and futile. There is no free will. 'You' are not in control of your life, your thoughts or your experiences. Nothing is happening to you. Just let you happen, the same way that everybody and everything else just happens. And pay attention to that.

Is there anything outside of awareness; does god lurk there too? Is god infinite in extent? Why is god infinite in extent? Is my manifestation of life a predestined game of god or a completely random and arbritary dazzle of lights and perception? Does god have a memory? Why? If I am god, why do I not have access to infinite experience? Am I an automaton of/for god? Am I a kind of toy or game for amusement? If god is eternal and I am god why do I not remember eternity? Am I just a shard or splinter of god, if so do I really matter that much? If god is non-dual then why duality? If I can only 'access' god through psychadelics and meditation, then exactly what is it that I'm experiencing now without psychadelics and meditation: is that a lesser god or no god at all? Is direct experience god? What is indirect experience if not god? Is god actually everything or are some bits left out? Is god, dog spelt backwards?

Ignorance is an affliction you had before becoming more aware. You will always be ignorant, but you won't realise it until it's passed.

True, but I'm not going to force it. I'm just going to increase my chances. If it doesn't happen by the end of the month, then so be it, move on.

Yeah, I did think about the impracticalities of it. For me personally, it's about getting over my own inertia. I don't know if you've read the Mastery book, but I have a bit of a Hacker mentality. This means I constantly distract myself with lots of different things with the result that I never get anything done. Taking a month run-up is good amount of time to seriously get into something. Also it's about working on all aspects of my life and not just spirituality. I'm keeping the order of things very flexible. I think I'll spend one day a month thinking about what I'm going to do the next month. Hopefully, all the months together will create some sort of synergy. Let's see what happens! I'll write it about it in my online journal.

I have a romantic notion of doing something different each month - to improve my commitment and focus. This would involve just doing that one thing each month and nothing else! No Youtube, TV, blah blah blah. Obviously eating, bathing, holiday and going to work and seeing people are still in. Items on my list in no particular order are: Jan: meditating, consciousness work, Tai-chi Feb: learning more piano pieces/music production Mar: buying a house (may take longer) Apr: writing a book - any book May: finding love (partner) Jun: planning my escape from wage slavery/ life purpose/ more rewarding employment/ setting up business Jul: artistic endeavours, sketching, computer art etc Aug: running a half marathon, getting fit, gym, badminton etc Sep: improving my social life and social skills, clubs, face to face meetups, Toastmasters? etc - no social media Oct: learning to fly aircraft - that's a bit more out there though Nov: helping/teaching/volunteering/mentoring others Dec: world domination Happy new year! Hip hip.

Dear diary, I woke up today after having dreamt about an ex of mine. In the dream we were knocking about in a large house. She seemed somehow distant and disconnected, and I knew the game was up. She was doing her things, and I was doing mine. There was a strong sense of not being a 'unit' any more. I woke up with a kind of sadness or melancholy of sorts. I had several realisations just as I came to. It seems my dreams are firmly fixated in the the past. They invariably involve characters from my (distant) past. This is in contrast to my daytime thoughts, which revolve more around what's happening 'now'. I can't shake off the sensation that there's unresolved stuff that needs sorting out, and that if I sort it out, I will feel freer and lighter and happier. It's like someone is screaming a message, but I'm deaf to the words. I don't understand the language! I need to keep listening and eventually it will click. Second, is that there seems to be a genuine difference in the quality of consciousness between having my eyes closed an having them open. It's hard to describe, but it felt quite stark as I lay in bed and it's something I hadn't been aware of before. When closed, there's a kind of floating disconnected sensation, almost a kind of pleasantness. When open, everything becomes stable and concrete and matter of fact. It's like having my eyes open distracts from an underlying 'more real' version me. Other concerns: The watch word for today is: Ambiguity. This is one of my greatest bug bears in dealing with people, be they friends or family or work colleagues. People are so damn vague and non-committal (yes the irony). Other people just seem not to notice or care about this at all. Except, very strangely, when I deliberately play the game back to them. Maybe I'm just too unsubtle in my gaming of non-commitment, and it shows? Going meta: why does it bother me so much? I think it feels like I'm missing something from my interactions with people. What is it I don't get about ambiguity? Am I supposed to make the first move in resolving an ambiguity? Or am I just supposed to 'read between the lines' and respond accordingly? Or do I just ignore it and carry on regardless? If you were to ask me to organise a get together for a bunch of people, I would refuse: the ambiguity and non-committal nature of people would simply blow my mind. Going meta meta: fuck ambiguity.

I guess every journey starts somewhere. Sometimes it starts without even knowing it. And by then going back is impossible and forward is the only direction. I hope to capture snippets of the moment, in the hope they they'll congeal into something that I can use to propel myself forward. As an experiment and to kill an addiction, I'm not going to edit anything at all. As soon as it's down, that's it! I hope it's not too bumpy. Current Thoughts: What is real? If everything is real, then what is illusion and delusion? Are they real. Yes I think so. But so what. Maybe it's more important that it's useful. Do my delusions help me? Aims: Get a handle on where I should be going and stop stewing in minimalism. I have driven my life down to the bear essentials in order to reduce stress and responsibilities and commitments. But in the process something is lost. Do I recover what's lost by losing my identity as well? Or do I ignore spiritual practice altogether and sleepwalk through the rest of life? Here goes.

It's good, but there's a bigger picture. All life on Earth shares the same DNA. We are in fact just one organism and you and I are just limbs of this crazy monster with a trillion trillion parts. We are not just related, we are the same thing.

Don't forget that women are human beings too, just like yourself; even the beautiful ones. Rejection often hurts the rejector as well the rejectee. Have compassion if you're rejected. Some prep is good, but nothing beats just doing it. You can think about skydiving all you like, but actually doing it doesn't even compare.

Damn. Doing an online journal is bringing out the commitment-phobe in me. I don't think I've quite grasped why avoid commitment. Some of it is to do with avoidance of pain. This is kinda ridiculous, as pain has no particular correlation with commitment. In fact some of my proudest achievements in life have been done through commitment. Did they cause pain? Yes, of sorts. I think I avoid pain because it seems stupid to go through pain, if it can naturally be avoided. No pain no gain, has always seemed to me a strange way of motivating people, it's a disengenuous way of being. 'You will succeed, but it will hurt', just seems spiteful. But in every saying there's a nugget of truth somewhere in there. Maybe it's just commitment with no foreseeable end? A prison of commitment. Maybe that's closer to the truth. The sort of commitment you have to bear by going to school or work or in a marriage or bringing up kids. I've neither been married or had kids. But I've seen enough examples of crap commitment to marriage and bearing kids to put me off. Why commit if your intent is half hearted or half-witted? So I do commit, but only if my heart is in it and I have enough knowledge beforehand. Perhaps this is too limiting a way to be? No commitment, no progress. I think my lifestyle minimalism has come out of this way of being. Avoid commitment, by keeping things stripped down and as simple as possible. I also have a fetish for minimalism, small is beautiful. Large, is unwieldy, scary, dangerous even. But I think my life needs largeness, I need to expand out, not stay shrunken in minimalism. My soul wants to be as big as possible, to be the best version of myself.

Having a super-intense curiosity about how things work, without passing judgement. Thinking in depth about everything. Putting knowledge into action.

Aiming high is great, don't stop doing that. Aiming low or not aiming at all is limiting. Aiming high is freedom. But aiming high takes work, some of it unpleasant, some of it boring, some of it may seem pointless or strange or going away from Truth. But. Nothing is wasted, it all counts in the end. The Truth will come to you in due course.

Falling asleep in the day is a strong sign that you're not getting enough good quality sleep. Having good quality sleep can't be overemphasised for good mental health and body functioning. Here's some practical things you could experiment with: Not sure of your age, but it is now known that sleep patterns can be shifted significantly during teenage years. It's not uncommon to be alert until the small hours. You could be fighting against this. The amount of sleep different people need varies. You may just need more sleep than others. Try nine hours. You may be getting too much blue light in the evenings/night. Try wearing blue light blocking glasses. This will shift your sleep cycle earlier. This can work wonders for quality of sleep. Apps that reduce the blue content of your phone or laptop can help to an extent, but glasses are better. Have lower light levels in general in the evening. Eat earlier in the evening. It's common to eat at 8pm or even later. Try 6pm. Digestion is less effecient later in the day. Keep away from alcohol. This will disrupt the quality of sleep. Keep to a rigid sleep schedule including weekends. This will train your body to expect sleep at the right times. Reduce stressors on your body, such as smoking or bad diet. Conversely, exercise more during the day (late afternoon is better for this). Keep away from stimulation late at night, such as TV, Youtube, films, listening to music etc. Read or just meditate instead. Some foods are good for inducing sleep, such as kiwis. Anyway, good luck!

If you don't start sometime, you'll never get there. And when you're young, a LOT can change in 6 years, including your income. Move out and rent for six months, get a taste for it. If it all goes to shit, move back in with the folks, no harm done.

One of the features of suicidal ideation is that it can become a habit that can be hard to break. This type of thinking could easily persist for years, and there is always the danger that a day comes when you decide to actually carry it out. As @Gabriel Antonio says it can be a very complex issue. I think at its heart is the need to escape an unbearable situation or thoughts or feelings, and is often accompanied by long term depression. I'd say it can be nearly impossible to shift out of this way of being through willpower alone - you will need outside help. Saying that, if you're given viable options for moving past the cause of the pain, then the suicidal ideation will stop. However, there are some things that you can do that can take the edge off depression, which may help: Have a regular routine Sleep properly Take regular exercise Have regular contact with friends or people (especially supportive ones) Eat cleanly and regularly Engage in activities which need focus Take medication (personally not my first choice, but results can be helpful)

There's no guaranteed way to tell. But one sure way is if the belief changes over time. How can a belief which is true, change?

For sure. That is the ultimate way of being; it will take a lot of work on yourself to get there though. And until you get there (which I'm sure you will), you can learn other skills that will improve your situation. I guess I'm just being pragmatic, having experienced a similar situation to you. For example, if you're swimming in shark infested waters, then fear is a good emotion to have. Spirituality won't save you at first, being a stronger swimmer will. Once you're a stronger swimmer, then you can be spiritually cool, calm and collected and make better decisions.

@XYZ exactly it. Laziness doesn't exist.

(Western) Society has a very strong emphasis on 'doing' (and working). If you're not filling up all your waking hours with 'doing', then you are wasting your time or there must be something wrong with you or god forbid, you're lazy - which all have strong negative connotations. The only respite, is that you're allowed to go on holiday and 'do nothing'. But even then, when you come back off holiday you will get asked: 'What did you do on holiday?'. If I have my SD right, then it's a very stage Orange way of seeing things. If you're not constantly doing and producing things or progressing forward then it's sub-optimal and you're potentially a lazy defective person. There is a different way to be and that is just 'to be'. I say that lazy types should be cherished as much as the doers in life. It's all the doers that have made us wage slaves (I'm not bitter).

Your level of anxiety is perfectly natural, although it may feel unpleasant. As an example, I grew up in rough part of inner London, where the likelihood of confrontation was quite high. Where I went to school the fear of mugging or being held at knife point was also quite high, often by people I went to school with! Knives and air-rifles would covertly be carried on school grounds. There were often stories of murders locally and people openly using drugs or having sex in the local housing estates. Being a defenceless skinny teenager in those circumstances, the only thing you can do is be hyper-vigilant and learn to keep out of certain areas and away from certain people. The consequence is you have a constant level of anxiety and thoughts of confrontation and playing out scenarios go around in your head all the time. So the anxiety servers a purpose, it's to keep you safe. Social media exacerbates the situation, because it makes it harder to avoid people. And you feel you're constantly being 'watched'. I only mentioned self defence because it will empower you in a physical confrontation and give you mental confidence that you can take care of yourself. This may reduce the anxiety. I'd also advocate starting a regular meditation or mindfulness habit, it will give you a 'space' away from the anxious thoughts.

No. But you can try and bypass the mind. So you could also say: there is awareness because there is something. The mind baulks at circularity, but there's truth in the circularity. A circularity points at one thing: inconsistency. This is otherwise known as illusion. Whenever you have a self referential system, that is also illusion. This is because a self referential system has no foundation or ground. That is why Perception a.k.a. Reality is an illusion. Basically, if you say that 'I am aware that I am aware', then it is an illusion.

@WindInTheLeaf there is something because there is awareness. The alternative question is: why is there awareness?