LastThursday

I think it'll be good to get out things that arise and put them down in written form. I have so many lost thoughts and ideas, and some of them were very good.

Is there anything or anyone you want more than anything in your life? I was never very good at future vision. My desires have always been rather immediate and mostly private. I think it's like this with us introverts. The ones that make a success of themselves are the ones that have future vision and are able to act on their desires. What most people desire though is conventionality and that's where I've come unstuck. I have an amazing ability for imagination but I use it mostly for being a dreamer or for more abstract problem solving. I think what I'm trying to say is that my imagination has been narrowly focused down over the years. I've shied away from imagining the future because conventionality is drudgery and obligation. I see others being excited by having 2.4 children and a high status job and a house they have to work on incessantly. Where's the adventure? We're constantly fantasising about other more exciting realities through video games and films and by going on holiday to exotic places. More and more I'm realising that this is what we really are. There is always a mythic, archetypal and magical undercurrent to our being. Our society wants to dumb us down so we can all get on together and survive by scratching each other's backs, it's a necessary evil they say. But deep in our psyches this isn't what we desire. What we desire is for the world to be magical and mystical, and to play our part in it as heroes and heroines, as sages and witches, as adventurers and raconteurs, as fallen gods. My misalignment has been that. Somewhere along the line I stopped feeling reality as a magical experience and the dumbing down began. My disconnection has been that: a rage and rejection against being dumbed down. Reality is intensely paradoxical, at once completely ordinary and also extraordinary. How is it I can be an ape with two arms and legs, whizzing round on a living beautiful ball of rock being blasted by the rays of a gigantic blob of plasma hanging in empty space? Where everywhere else is lifeless rock and gas? None of it makes any sense, it is complete mystery and magic and nonsense. I haven't imagined a future because I'm scared of actually getting what I imagine. If I'm prone to leaning into mundanity with my imagination then mundanity is what I will get (have got). No! I'd rather not imagine if my imagination is weak and mundane. And so it has been. Writing on here has made me realise that my imagination is strong enough to reimagine being embedded in a mystical reality: it never really stopped being so, I did. I invite reality to come with me, hold my hand, and touch me deeply.

A man walks into a bar. Ouch!!

Dispirited?

In my simple mind the answer is that there are different types of existence. Dragons and unicorns are one type, and chairs and tables another. Although, there is a lot of overlap.

I've always been rubbish and uncoordinated at dancing. So I decided to dance for 20 minutes every day in the privacy of my own home for six months or so. I think I move a lot better now. I've always danced happily in nightclubs, because there's so many people and you're anonymous so it's fine. I did Latin dancing for a bit, that was excruciating I was so bad, good for burning away the shame and embarrassment.

I agree with you that there's bias in all AI models, don't trust any of them to inform you on how to think. Obviously what I posted was for fun, and I spent all of about five minutes on it. In general you can't take any set of questions designed to "work you out" seriously no matter how well crafted they seem - there's always bias there. And, people can't be reduced to a bunch of numbers in fact it's an insult to our humanity to do so. BTW I like the tool you designed.

I have 5672 days left. I won't even reach 70 ffs. I think I need a wall calendar with the days counting down to inspire motivation, I better get on with it.

@Psychonaut I like it it a lot. Whilst ChatGPT got the gist of it, I think the questions are too blatantly biased, poor silly ChatGPT.

ChatGPT has supplied the goods: Epistemic Sadism Scale (ESS-20) Instructions: Please indicate how much you agree or disagree with each statement. Answer according to your general tendencies, rather than a particular incident. Response options: 5 — Highly agree 4 — Agree 3 — Neither agree nor disagree 2 — Disagree 1 — Highly disagree Answer and then score according to the scale above. Questions marked R should be scored in reverse (i.e. 6-response number). Axis 1: Epistemic Dominance The pleasure of possessing an informational or intellectual advantage over another person. I enjoy knowing something important that another person does not. Having information that gives me an advantage over someone else is satisfying. I find it gratifying when someone realises that I understand something they do not. I sometimes enjoy allowing someone to continue believing something when I know they are mistaken. I prefer intellectual exchanges in which both people have an equal understanding of the subject. (R) Axis 2: Intellectual Humiliation The pleasure of exposing another person's ignorance, inadequacy, or intellectual vulnerability. I enjoy watching someone struggle to defend a belief that I know is false. It can be satisfying to expose someone's ignorance in front of other people. I sometimes find it amusing when someone confidently makes a claim that I know is wrong. I enjoy seeing someone realise that they have been intellectually outmatched. I feel uncomfortable when someone is made to look foolish because of something they do not know. (R) Axis 3: Epistemic Manipulation The pleasure of controlling another person's access to information, understanding, or truth. I find it satisfying to lead someone towards a conclusion without revealing that I am doing so. I enjoy knowing how someone will react when they eventually discover the truth. I sometimes find it pleasurable to let someone draw an incorrect conclusion from information I have given them. I enjoy having control over when another person discovers something important. I prefer to give people all the relevant information rather than control what they know. (R) Axis 4: Epistemic Cruelty The pleasure of causing psychological discomfort through the use of knowledge, truth, or intellectual advantage. I sometimes enjoy telling someone a truth that I know will upset them. Seeing someone become confused or distressed by something I have revealed can be pleasurable. I enjoy making someone question a belief that is important to their sense of identity. I sometimes find another person's intellectual discomfort more satisfying than the practical outcome of correcting them. I would rather someone discover an uncomfortable truth in a supportive environment than have it exposed publicly. (R)

@Psychonaut

I got 33/36, surely not? Apparently I can't read Incredulous, Shy or Dispirited. I must work on those in future.

If you use Edge then uBlock Origin is your friend.

I went into the pub yesterday next to Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre (isn't this country quaint?). I ordered a half pint and found a cosy corner to sit at. In my haste I hadn't realised that this happened to be the impromptu families corner, stoic project-manager-like parents with their witchy becostumed children. They were quiet enough though, food has a calming effect on children. I took out my newly purchased charcoal grey three-inch tome and started reading. Presently an older lady sat next to me - I say older, probably slightly younger than me, sigh - I didn't look up. I did briefly think "where's her fella?" she didn't seem the type to be out alone. I continued minding my own business but after a while I could feel her eyes boring into me, I had to look. She had been intently trying to decipher what book I could possibly be reading and she looked away, caught in the act. I was going to tell her outright, but thought the better of it, her man was surely due and I shouldn't engage in conversation. I slide the book up from my lap so the title was visible. The lady just couldn't help herself and when she finally read the title she nearly spat out her drink: The Occult. Her man came and then he too kept looking at me...

23 I will take my autistic badge off now.

You had a thing going with the hairdresser? Nice. The many meanings of grooming... Yeah it's fine, I manage a good feel now and then (a hug! a hug!). Do love a decent massage - especially Thai. A good run or even just a dose of heavy breathing works wonders also. Why not combine all that and go for orgasmic bliss?

Letting go is a constant. Hanging on is a constant. Can we learn to climb the cliff face?

That's bananas. I tried St John's Wort and 5-HTP for months. Some mornings I was pleasurably high for an hour or two. I've tried nutmeg also, to no effect, probably need a bigger dose. Caffeine makes me feel super weird and icky, and I never learn.

I'm still recalibrating myself. All this magical work is shifting things about and I'm a bit all over the place. I woke up this morning, opened my blinds, to be greeted by a thick mist and subdued morning light. On the chimney of the house opposite sat a majestic crow looking at me, s/he flew off soon enough. The Sun in her calm unconditional warmth and light soon blew the scene away. I do sometimes wonder if the beauty of the world is wasted on a silly ass like me. Occasionally I notice. What can I say except sorry? Sometimes I miss or don't pay attention to the beauty of what's handed to me, or I'm too self-absorbed or scared or unworthy to allow myself to accept it. Sometimes unconscious sabotage helps soothe the overwhelm. Sometimes timing is everything and the planets don't align until the moment is passed. But enough of the sentimental theatrical nonsense! Our great and busy metropolis awaits me, what adventures will I have?

I'm feeling philosophical today, or at least more than usual. I think it's enough wheel-spinning, I've kind of got everything out of me that I wanted to get out. I have to stop wishing and wanting for things to be a certain way, and actually create the things I want to surround myself with. I really like this place but I like it for what it could be not for what it actually is. I will simply have to create what it is I actually want myself. What do I want? A space to share with like-minded individuals, actually face to face, with people who are interested in everything: polymaths like me. I want equality of standing, equal representation, and a curiosity to learn and genuinely be interested in what others do and say and how they see the world. I don't have grand ambitions yet, I just want connection and to be seen and to share. I can't knock this forum too much really (even though I have done). It's a place for polymaths disguised as Spirituality and Actualisation. Its format is great for pulling together wide ranging discussions and for being able to freely dip in and out of things. An online forum is ideal as a free-form format for this kind of thing, although it is sometimes a bit of a double-edged sword. I do thank Leo though for getting something like this out there, it's a rare commodity. And, it gives me a template from which to sort out my own ideas about what a community of polymaths might be like. Let's see what happens.

A man with honest intentions, charm, can laugh at themselves, playful, reliable, good at logistics, focused and present.

It's fine I understand what you mean. I'm just arguing for the sake of it. But for the sake of argument if existence is everything without exception, then of course it has meaning, because everything has everything in it. That's the issue with A is B argumentation, once you make A identical to B the argument is meaningless, because to argue something you have to have distinction so you can compare two things. Anyway pedant mode off.

Random stuff this morning. I like this photo of me sometime around 1976. It epitomises the warmth and connection to family I had around then. My aunt is carrying me and my sister is tootling around entertaining herself. That rooftop terrace was always hot and we used to love playing up there, it was a safe space for us. My uncle kept pigeons there for racing too. It was my grandparents' apartment block and they lived one floor below the terrace. The terracotta tiles were dusty and scratchy and warm to the touch, the white walls blinding in the sunlight. The sky was always pure blue. In one direction was the sea, in the other a huge imposing citadel on a hill: La Alcazaba de Almería. To my mind as a little kid there was a certain magic to the place, but it was also normality. I miss it.

The argumentation is circular: the meaning of existence is existence. But it's not all lost, existence is huge and there's a lot there to have meaning about. Meaning is inside existence. Existence is the ground, meaning is the figure.