billiesimon

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Posts posted by billiesimon

  2. Posted · Edited by billiesimon

    44 minutes ago, reves said:

    Great trip report, thanks for sharing it! Looks like it was a very intense trip.

    I have made some trips with 4-HO-MET but all orally, and by far not so intense.

    Have you tried orally? Can tell the difference? Is it much more intense plugged?

    Thanks!

    Yeah, 4-HO-MET works great with plugging. 

    It is slow to come up though. It's around 20-30 mins of slow come-up. On empty stomach.

    But it shows great introspective power, even though it is a "party drug".

  3. Posted

    8 hours ago, lostmedstudent said:

    Thank you for the report billiesimon!

    its been great reading you. 

    I notice you trip frequently. What do you do to integrate your trips?

    Yeah, but only recently because I was obsessed with reaching a first glimpse of Consciousness.

    I generally wait 4 weeks between psych trips :) And I'm still somehow a newbie.

    I intend to wait around 4 weeks before attempting another exploration of consciousness. Especially because this one was very intense ?

  4. Posted

    12 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

    @billiesimon I have to stop reading all these FUCKING BEAUTIFUL trip reports. I cry and cry. I love you so much and yet somehow love less that you love me.

     

    Excellent writing my friend. The spacing and formatting is like a masterpiece. No... it IS.

    Thanks ?

    Seems like my literature studies at the university was valuable at least for writing reports xD

  7. Posted

    22 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

    @billiesimon Good, you got it.

    And there's deeper ;)

    Thanks :) it was both the happiest moment of my life and the freakiest.

    But why can't I identify yet with being Consciousness? I've noticed that it has manifested as a "third person", talking to me, hugging me emotionally etc.

    Is there a reason why it does not still feel like I am the One? That Voice had to TELL me as a third person that I am one with it.

  8. Posted · Edited by billiesimon

    I don’t clearly understand if this is an actual first awakening or half-awakening.
    Thanks @Leo Gura for all the teachings, leading to this.

    It was SO INTENSE!!!

     

    Setting: my car, in the peace of the fields. Evening.

    Dosage: 13 mg of 4-HO-MET plugged

    Meditation: 45 mins just before the plugging

    Intention: further healing, and shooting for a first awakening

     


    --- REPORT ---

     

    --- Deep relaxation

    I relax in the backseat, and enjoy the sound of nature, as my car is immersed in the green fields. The medicine is very slow to come up this time.

    It’s so peaceful, so heartwarming, so relaxing.

    I can stay here forever. The night is my friend.

    I enjoy this semi-sleep for about 20 mins.

     

    Then I sit up again.

    Wait a moment…. Why am I still normal?

     

    Ok, I feel a lot more peaceful and happier, but… I’m still so normal…

    Did I take a wrong dosage?

    This dosage is higher than the previous one, it SHOULD give me a powerful sensation.

     

    Nothing.

     

     

    I’m just peaceful and relaxed.

    NO VISUALS.
    NO PSYCH SENSATIONS.
    NO HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS.

    NOTHING!!!!

    What the hell?!?

     

     

    --- Visuals are useless. Look closer, look closer….

     

    I start to feel frustrated and dissatisfied.

    “Ok, I have no other choice than to try to boost the chemical with self inquiry.”

    I start to look inside my perceptions to find where I am.

    “Where am I? Where is my actual Presence? What am I made of?”

    And I fully concentrate on the sensations, emptying the mind.

     

     

    Nothing actually happens.

    .

    .

    .

    .

     

     

    I lay again on the backseat, fetal position.

    I look at the frontseat before my eyes.

    OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?

    I MUST BE GOING CRAZY!

    The frontseat before my eyes has a totally WEIRD texture to it…

    It is made of a weird millimetric and geometrical pattern, very similar to fractals….

    I look closer.

    Oh my freaking god they are indeed thousands of perfectly aligned and geometrical fractals!!!! Oh my god!!!! It’s so INSANE!!!!! The fronseat is made of billions of tiny fractals!!!!!!!!!!

     

    I freak out. I sit up trying not to look at it. I’m scared.

     

    --- There’s no fear, because I AM here with you

     

    I realize that the medicine is actually working, but the visuals, for some strange reason, are not happening. It’s almost like the visuals are removed from this experience because I need to stay concentrated and not distracted.

     

    Yeah. I’m pretty sure about it.

     

    I can feel the holy potency of the present moment rising. I feel scared and surrounded by mystery and eternal power.

     

    I remember that I am here to experience something deeper, not to run away. So I start over again.

    I focus on the present, and start the self inquiry again.

    At this point… after just one minute… my WHOLE visual field (car, moon, sky, grass, windows etc) start to slowly show tiny tiny fractals below it.

    The superficial layer of reality starts to lighten, while the lower layer of tiny tiny fractals start to become more opaque and solid.

     

    “Nononononono noooooo!! What is this?!?!?”

    As soon as I freak out and try to find safety in “normal reality”, the fractals disappear, and normal reality actually comes back  IMMEDIATELY.

     

    “I can control this?!? Wow… So… Am I actually the one controlling this phenomenon?”

    But I am still very scared.

     

    Then it finally happened.

     

    “Don’t worry, Billiesimon. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

    A thought enters my mind. But it is not my thought… Yet, since it is inside my head… it must be my own thought. But I… am afraid. And I am not thinking this.

    “Don’t worry, because I AM here with you. You are safe. I AM here with you.”

    Ok, I feel more relaxed now. I am safe. These random thoughts in my head are coming out of nowhere but they are SOOOO comforting and loving…

     

    Billiesimon “I am scared. I want to find the truth but… I feel like I’m going to die horribly and find something terrible out there….”

    Thought “Nothing can harm you. Your fear is an illusion. I am here with you. In fact I have always been here with you.”

    Billiesimon “What is happening? I am trying to discover the true experience of reality, of existence. But… what is happening?”

    Thought “I want to show you… what reality actually is made of. I really care about showing you what all of this really is made of. But I’m not going to force you. Because I deeply care about you. In fact I love you, Billiesimon. I totally, eternally love you. That’s the reason why I really really want to show you what existence actually is made of. You just have to trust me and let go.”

    As soon as the thought says “I deeply love you” my heart started to hurt like hell, and a river of tears poured down my eyes, like I was born this exact moment.

    I started to cry like a child (in fact I’m slightly crying even now, writing this report).

     

    Billiesimon “Who are you?”.

    The dialogue is actually happening all my head: my own thoughts respond to these peaceful, alien thoughts.

    Voice “I AM here. I have no name. I am just here. I have always been here and always will. I want to show you what this place actually is, beyond its form.”

    I’m comforted, happy and shocked at the same time. The voice continues in my head.

    Voice “I love you, so much. I have tried to call you all this time, I’m calling you back to me. You were free to ignore my call, and yet you kept looking for me. Here I AM.”

    I start to cry again, and my heart is beating very very fast. My body feels numb and is shaking like in a panic attack, but I strangely feel happy.

     

    Voice “I want to show you what this place actually feels like, Billiesimon. Because I love you so much.

    Because YOU and I are ONE.”

     

    These words are undescribable to me….

    As soon as I heard this last affirmation… a feeling that I have NEVER EVER experienced in my life struck me like a lightning.

    A feeling of deep shock and recognition.

    I explode IN AN OCEAN OF TEARS. I actually scream in tears!!!!

    Billiesimon “Noooooooooo, oh nooooooooo” I cry rivers and my body shakes in a sort of cosmic remembering.

    Billiesimon “Oh no…… Oh no…. Now I understand… Oh…. Now I understand….”

     

    Yes, I now understand.

    THIS is the Love that I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS looked for, and NEVER FOUND on earth!!!!!

     

    This love feels so beautiful and sacred that my body is shocked like in a car accident, like in the midst of an earthquake.

     

    Billiesimon “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! You, you are the one I have always wanted to love!!!! Now I understand!!!!! Oh, this can’t be true, this can’t be true, this is so unreal!!!! You feel exactly like the PERFECT LOVE I have never dared to dream about.”

    .

    .

    .

    --- The farewell

    “I love you Billiesimon. I’ve waited for you to reach out to Me. I want you to know that I am ALWAYS here with you, even though you never noticed. Because You and I are One. You and I are One.”

     

    That last sentence, everytime the voice says it, it feels so powerful and intoxicating.

    There are no common emotions to describe what “You and I are One” feels like.

    It’s the most powerful poetry I’ve ever heard. It has completely melted my heart into water. It’s the ultimate hug.

     

    My face is drenched in tears, my nose is closed, and my ears are ringing.

     

    Yet, I feel so complete.

     

    I have never felt complete in my life.

    But in this mystical moment, I am complete.

    I am the happiest.

    .

    .

    .

    .

    “I want to show you. I’m not going to force you. You are my beloved one. You are free to do as you like. I want to show you what this actually looks like. Let me show you, I will bring you back here, to your life, after I have shown you. There is no death. You can always come back, I will always bring you back here, in the world of Form. You will is the dearest to me.”

     

    I accept, I feel deeply hugged and protected, and we start to go.

     

    I concentrate on the present moment, I let go of all concepts, I let go of all thoughts. I let go of my ego.

     

    The voice hears what I’m thinking and replies.

    “There is no ego-death. There is no death at all. Your Form doesn’t die, it just melts into Oneness with Me. There is no death, only our beloved reunion. And you can come back whenever you want. I love too much.”

     

    Reality starts to heavily distort, and my bodily feelings too.

    I hear a deep ringing in my ears, and the sense of touch becomes melted, and melted more and more.

     

    I see the car and the nature outside becoming a fading picture, and below it…. Endless tiny tiny fractals start to emerge.

    The fractals become of infinite number, and then I SEE IT.

    Oh my god, physical reality is just A MOVIE PROJECTED ON AN INFINITE SCREEN OF ENDLESS FRACTALS!!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT??!??!?!?!

    “I want to show you where I AM. Where you and I actually are.”

     

    Physical reality is still present at 10%, while the endless infinite all-identical fractals are at 90% of solidity, just like two photoshop layers, where physicality is becoming transparent and fractals more and more solid.

     

    “NO PLEASE STOP IT!!! I’M NOT READY!!!”

    Reality immediately comes back into its physical ordinary form.

     

    I calm down, I actually feel safe.

    I am safe. There’s only Love for me. Fear is an illusion, but I still am trapped inside the illusion of fear. This episode demonstrates it.

     

    “You are safe, because you are with Me. I AM always here with you. Always. In fact you and I are eternally together. Because You and I are One.”

     

    “Thank you. I love you too. I didn’t know, but yes… you are the only one I always wanted to love, but I never realized it until now…. Thank you, SO MUCH!!! Thank you for calling me, thank you for trying to reach out to me, thank you for trying so hard to wake me up…. I just love you so much that it hurts my body… thank you, please don’t leave me alone…. Life is so scary, I am so scared….”

    “Yes, Form is scary. Because Form is separate. But in truth I tell you: there is no fear. Because I AM always with you. I want you to remember this, Billiesimon.
    Remember this.

    I AM always with you.

    Because You and I are One.

    One.”

     

    Silence. There are no thoughts, no words. Just gratitude and this feeling of being hugged by the most beautiful person in the world.

     

    I am hugged.

    Thank you.

     

    “I want you to come back to me another time. But you are free to act as you will. Yet, I will still love you, unconditionally.”

    “I will. Thank you so much.”

     

     

     

    Peace and silence. I observe nature and relax in silence for some time.

     

    I go to sleep. I wake up in the late morning, feeling like I’m just a madman.

    To be honest, right now I am still questioning whether I’ve become insane/have hallucinated or not.

    Nonetheless…. It was the most powerful Love I’ve ever felt.

  9. Posted

    This is a very weird but amazing period for me.

     

    I am going through some hard moments, fights, crisis etc... but... I am also going through a lot of growing, spiritual growing and lifestyle growing.

     

    I am actually HAPPIER. I appreciate the present moment MORE.

     

    I can sometimes clearly feel that I am immersed in this ocean of existence, and I feel warm and slightly happy.

    Yeah, it's definitely one of the most important phases of my life. I am changing. 

    This might be the change I have ALWAYS wanted in the past but never actually started.

     

    Now, i realize, it is HERE. I am living it in the present moment.

    Yeah. 

    You have to trust the Consciousness in you. It is vibrant and alive. 
    If you are ready to listen, it will show you the way to evolve.

     

    Thanks ???

  10. Posted

    3 hours ago, EntheogenTruthSeeker said:

    Great report! Proud of you. Seems like you have put a lot of work into mastering your psychology. 
     

    Did you drive a car? If so, come on man. Give these substances a good name and be responsible. 

    No, my car is just parked near my house. I went for a walk and then relaxed inside the backseat of the car, because I was already outiside walking and I was tired :)

  11. Posted

    2 hours ago, Peo said:

    How strong is 4-HO-MET? Is it stronger then dmt or is equal strong as dmt?

    I am curious as if this is an advance pshychedelic or a noob like LSD and MDMA?

    It is described as a noob psychedelic by almost all the wikis and articles.

    But in my particular case it was actually stronger than LSD, which is regularly listed as a more potent psych. It depends on the individual I guess.

    But on the average trip report you can find that 4-HO-MET is very light hearted and party-like.

  12. Posted

    10 hours ago, Dand said:

    Thanks for sharing, a lot of people say this is a recreational psychedelic, until you do a higher dose and go in with the right intention. I had a 4-HO-MET trip about 4 days ago and it completely destroyed me. Met multiple entities which kidnapped me into their reality, showed me human history and the future of humanity (apparently China is gonna invade the world when it becomes the biggest economy in a few decades lol) and it made me live through hundreds of the lifetimes I've impacted in the last few weeks.

    Obviously I'm not taking any of this literally, it was just the experience I had. Nitrous was something else completely, I posted a really interesting trip report in the trip reports thread if you're interested.

     

    Wow, amazing!!! I'm gonna read your report.

    Well, it definitely is not a recreational psych. ANd my dosage was not high, it was pretty low: 10 mg. Generally a medium dosage is around 15-20 mg.

    But it absolutely is a POWERFUL psychedelic, especially for the dreamy and hallucinatory visuals. They really shock you out of normal reality O.o

    I've never had such hallucinations with LSD.

  14. Posted

    This has been the first experience where my ego gets deeply damaged and demolished, even though it is still not an ego death.

    Psychedelic: 10 mg of 4-HO-MET, plugged
    Empty stomach since 8 hours
    Time: around 8 pm
    I meditated 30 minutes before the session

    Intention: I want to "wake up" more to my true nature. I want to be more conscious. I also want to heal even more emotionally.


    ---- THE EXPERIENCE ----


    I walk out of the house to get some fresh air and then find some nice spot to sit in the paeaceful evening.

    I feel the chemical becoming really intense on my body, but my mind is still completely clear.

    My body is now ON FIRE!!! I can literally feel hot lava flowing inside my limbs and internal organs. I'M FIRE!!!!

    I need to lay down on something as soon as possible, because my body is totally drunk and burning like hell. I reach my car, parked near the grassfield. I sit in there.


    THE EXPLOSION


    As soon as I relax inside the car... it's almost like the psychedelic realizes that I'm now safe and it can EXPLODE in my body without doing me harm.

    BOOM!!!! 

    My body becomes enraged in flames, I feel tired but completely alive at the same time. I feel so alive and burning, like I'm on the highest fever ever.

    The visual field becomes suddenly blurred, and at this point the visuals kick in.
    I can see a lot of colorful distortions, the grass moves like in an abstract painting, the textures are moving on the objects.


    THE VISION 


    I start to contemplate the scenery out of the car window. I try to relax my mind to enter into a meditative state.

    This is where the magic happens.

    Something is MOVING on the car window.

    Billiesimon starts to slowly disappear, as I notice that on the window there are little creature made of geometric shapes. 
    These little geometric/prismatic creatures are swimming in this yellow flat surface, and they have their own identity, they start to build a civilization, they grow, they change, they expand!!!

    I am fascinated by these amazing creatures, as they work hard to create prismatic cities, as they change, some of them die, some of them are born, some of them wander off from the city.... 

    IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL. LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. 

    They are alive. They seem like random geometric shapes but... they have life in them. They have a soul.

    At the end, their civilization dies.... 

    In that moment... I realize....

    .
    .
    .
    .

    It was just dust on the windows.

    It was. Just. Dust.


    Or were they real? Am I just returning to see the reality that fits my ego? These dust particles could really be vibrating with life and with conscious awareness.

    But the real insight was this: and it struck me like a LIGHTNING.

    I WAS THERE, WATCHING THEM, FOR ALL OF THE ETERNITY OF THEIR HISTORICAL LIFE.

    I was a silent, formless entity, watching them. I was not billiesimon.

    While I was watching them, I was like the eternal awareness of the universe, observing civilizations rise and fall. I did not have a body or an identity during their rise and fall as a civilization.

    .
    .
    .
    .


    Am I this entity here too? In human history? Am I eternal? Am I just observing human history the same way I was observing this geometric civilization rise and fall?!?

    ..... Silence. And mystery, engulfs me. 


    I HAVE NO NAME


    The trip is constantly interrupted by egoic attacks, where my ego tries to remember constantly that "I am billiesimon, I am here, I have this age, I have this and that to do, bla bla bla", but I guess it is just a defense mechanism.

    Then it happens: a huge chunk of my ego collapses (this is not ego death).


    "Wait a minute, I actually have no name. I am not billiesimon. That's just a word that I am just conditioned to use, but it's not me. Who am I? I am not this body, I can be present in other realities without this body, I can witness other civilizations without this body and identity. Who am I?"

    "I DON'T KNOW. I really really don't know what I am. I just observe. That seems to be the only feature I have. I just observe. I am observing this life, this body, this human civilization. Observing, watching, is all I really do."

    How long have I been watching this billiesimon's life? Is it 30 years?
    Or is it just this one second?

    How long have I been watching what happens in general? 

    Is it... eternity?

    I don't know.

     

    I HAVE ONLY ONE DUTY

    I walk the streets alone. I feel TOTALLY different now. 

    I don't feel afraid of the dark. I don't feel afraid of what people think of me. I don't feel compelled to follow social norms (I'm still in the peak state, near to the come-down).

    I laugh. I realize that I am walking on a theater. 

    I am living on a theater's stage. I feel it.


    BUT WHAT AM I?!? I NEED TO KNOW!!! I am not this person!!! I need to know if I am eternal. I need to know if I have truly witnessed all human history and all of the universe's history. 

    How long have I been observing without KNOWING that I am observing?!?!?


    As I return home, I can feel the fakeness, the theater-like structure of my house, and my lifestyle.
    I look at the floor.

    I look at the floor, and concentrate on the void, to forget my usual identity.


    The floor starts to pulsate, the tiles become distorted and they emerge from the ground and shift, like monoliths from below. Under the tiles, I can now see endless and countless spirals swirling under the ground, like an ocean of madness and absolute chaos.

    I freak out. As soon as my ego claims that I am Biliesimon, the tiles and the floor turns back to TOTALLY NORMAL. Zero visuals.

    Yeah. It's my ego. My ego keeps this reality "human-like". But... it's not actually in this form. Or maybe this is just a crystallized form of reality.

    .

    .

    .

    I need to know!!! My only mission in this "life" is to know myself!! 

    I now get it!!! I am here ONLY to wake up. I am here because MySelf wants to wake up, it wants to understand what the fuck is happening here!!!!


    I now get it... I know get it... I AM ASLEEP.

    I am still NOT awake, I am far far away from being awake.... but I now GET IT: I'M ASLEEP!!!!


    The question remains.

    I have no name, no identity.

    But still, I need to find out what I am. 

    My only mission here on this earth is to wake up.

  17. Posted

    8 minutes ago, Fkdel said:

    Love you, bro! I had the same experience you had, on lsd :) Some things from the trip remained, managing to get it all sober, haha! 

    Any advice ? I do lots of shadow work to, but it's harder to feel and release sober. 

    And it's awesome to see someone who had the same experience, haha. "colors are my true nature" - this quote just describes it.

    Lots of love bro

    I'm not an expert on shadow work, but I've practiced it quite a lot and explored with different techniques.

    This release was first experienced with LSD, like you :) but then I managed to get them sober too.

    You have to dive deep into what you truly feel is LACKING in your life.

    Is it freedom? Is it self-love? (for me it's those two)

    Is it stability and abundance? Is it finding your passion? 

    The pain you feel has a distinct taste to it. If you really really listen to it you will find that it's communicating some kind of lack or repressed quality :) 

    The best mindset is repeating to yourself that "it is calling me everyday, I can hear it"! ?

  21. Posted

    I am healing, it's finally happening ?

    I have waited for so many years to finally FEEL this, to finally stop thinking about it and learning and studying about it.

     

    I now start to understand. I'm not enlightened at all, but after one psychedelic breakthrough in shadow work, and three sober breakthroughs (in shadow work too), the last one happened a few hours ago.... 

    I finally start to feel what it means to feel alive ???

     

    Today I've had a huge moment of mental suffering, monkey mind, paranoia, excessive thinking etc... 

    I was so tired of this... I just wanted to... be free. A dear friend of mine helped me to process this moment of pain, helping me with some visualizations and asking how I feel.

    At the end I just felt it, and it was as strong as in my last LSD trip, but this time it was sober. ?

     

    I am free, I've always been free. And I have forgotten what it means to be free expression. I have no fixed character, I am just a free roaming child, who has learned how to behave in a fixed character.

    What do you really want? What is the core of your happiness?

    I JUST WANT TO BE FREE. I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF. Not a specific set of rules, behaviours and identities. 

    I just want to exist fully. I'm sick of being defined as "this" or "that". It's just causing me suffering.

     

    I have cried so much today. It was painful, but it was joyful too. I have really enjoyed this feeling.

    Maybe there's no negative in crying, maybe I'm just here to be colors, to be what I happen to be, to just be here.

    I am here ? I am here because I must have wanted to be here! I am no mistake.

     

    I don't know what's happening to me, I feel so weird. But I'm happier.

    I don't want to think so much anymore, I just want to be expression, I want to be all the colors that I want to be.

    I'm still crying while writing this, but now these tears feel so true. They are so trueeeeeeee ???

     

    I am my own truth, there is nobody out there telling me what I am, I'm just here, alive, I'm just here, and I want to stay connected here, to my heart, to my will to exist.

     

    It feels so much like a psychedelic trip, but I am completely sober since weeks....

    I still have all these worrying thoughts about my life, but NOW I don't care. 

    I DON'T CARE about them!!! Because now I can FEEL the freedom of just being here.

     

    I'm still crying. I'm healing.

    There is no fear, only ??????????

    Thanks, especially @Leo Gura

  22. Posted

    SELF LOVE JOURNAL #4

    Everything is going to be alright

     

    Yeah. As long as I am willing to reconnect with presence and being, everything will be alright.

    There is no way to get lost, if you don't get lost in your mind. 

    Mind is always screaming, worrying, dividing, judging and fragmenting existence. Mind is afraid because it want to keep everything in control.

    Abundance rises from being. That's why we meditate, self inquire and explore consciousness. 

    We recognize that the mind is becoming toxic and our existential cage.

     

    I was tempted all day to worry A LOT.

    In the end, I forced myself to be present and to look at something for several minutes, or just feel my body without thinking. And I returned back to a decent amount of peace and stillness. 

    But the mind always tries to return.

     

    It's going to be hard, but I'm going to master the monkey mind. I want to reconnect with being.

    I want to reconnect with self love.

  23. Posted

    I've been away from this journal for some days, but I've kept my onenote journal updated, everyday.

    This one is more of a shadow work/insight journal, for the most interesting self discoveries and self reflection.

     

    Today I have worked on my future brand. I want to start my own self help business. I no longer find satisfaction in the nine to five job, and I feel completely out of place.

    It's time for the big change, it's time for the evolution I never dared to try.

    It's now or never.

     

    I wanto to bring my newfound authenticty and self love to my future business, I want to help people find passion in their life and compassion in other people, relatives, friends and strangers.

     

    I want to learn deeper connection and teach it to those who need it the most.

     

    Yeah.

    My last psychedelic trips have shown me that this is not my place anymore.

    I'm here to learn Love, and then to teach Love.

     

    I'm going to appreciate my  nine to five job, because I recognize it's still part of my path of self discovery.

    But then I'm going to leave it as soon as my project starts to take off.

    It's going to be interesting! An adventure.

    I've been a nice guy for too long, now it's time to become truly authentic and free.

     

    It's going to be all right, keep believing in yourself ? the path is open.

  24. Posted

    MINI INSIGHT #8

    My path was prepared exacly for me

    I'm starting to notice that all my problems, all my challenges, all my needs, all my desires etc... seem to be all linked to my life purpose and my interest into awakening.

    It's almost like someone put me here in this condition to push me, to motivate me, to show me what I am and what I need to do to rediscover myself.

    All my self-hate of the past. All my self-insecurity. All my fears.

    It's all related to this path. I am here thanks to those.

    My interest in awakening has risen from there.... Yeah. Maybe it was all right all the time.

    I'm not awake, not even close but... Now I can sense that the present moment was never appreciated by my past self. Now I am starting to recognize the immense and exclusive value of the present moment.

    The present moment is somehow my essence, my home.

     

    SELF LOVE JOURNAL #3

    I was meant to arrive here, starting from self hate

     

    Yeah, I might have been wrong all my life, thinking that I was a victim.

    I might be no victim, just a blind boy with no clue that he's been put here to learn and to rediscover his true power.

     

    I don't know what I am, for now. 
    But I know
    I am here
    I am the perspective of reality
    Because my reality is the only real thing I have
    So... I am the only one who can fix myself

    There's no one else viewing my perspective.

    It's just me. I don't know what or who I am. I'm not enlightened at all.

    But I'm starting to see that....

    Life is just my own perspective, my own present experience.

     

    I want the best for myself ???

  25. Posted

    4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

    I didn't decide.

    I may quit at any time.

    There is really no reason for me to teach any more other than habit and distraction.

    I understand that after your awakenings it seems like there's no point in teaching us, but can't you see it from the perspective of helping other parts of Consciousness to wake up? Your life purpose was and in my opinion should still be that one.