How to know if I actually enjoy my LP or if I'm gaslighting myself?

[Husseinisdoingfine]

Greetings forum.

I finished Leo's life purpose course around one year ago and the path I set for myself was that I was going to become a theoretical physicist, or at least something within the field of physics. 

I'm currently enrolled in University, and to be sincere, every day feels like a drag. But it's not really a drag because of the subjects I'm studying, but because of the University itself, the architecture is modern and very depressing, and there's no social scene. 

But I'm becoming more afraid that maybe I don't actually like what I'm doing. I have to sort of remind myself why I'm doing what I'm doing, but each time I do I get suspicious if this is right for me. 

How to know if I'm gaslighting myself to think that I love physics as my Life Purpose, when I really don't.

I already have a plan though, I want to apply as a Physics intern. If I like it, then that's a good sign I should stay a physicist. If not, then this was the wrong path and I need to switch life trajectory ASAP.

My worst fear is that I'll end up like my parents. Both of whom didn't want to enter their respective fields, but were rather coaxed into it by their parents. I don't want to become a miserable office slave

https://i.chzbgr.com/full/9551446272/hBC375B23/person-ever-get-so-bored-at-work-actually-start-doing-job-insericane

Edited February 16 by Husseinisdoingfine
typo

[ZenSwift]

University is full of retardation, I avoid enrolling in it myself for precisely this reason. 

Often times you need to identify your love for something OUTSIDE of a traditional educational setting & OUTSIDE of a need of it being able to bring in an income. Once you can be sure of what is THAT THING that you love, then you can learn how to create a life around what you love that will also feed you. This is where the zone of genius comes in. This is where the signature strengths come in. This is where identifying your top 10 values comes in in instructing you how to live your life on a daily basis. Where what you do on a daily/monthly/weekly basis is just you fulfilling the top 10 values of yours that allows you to live the most happy existence. 

 

Connect with the essence of what makes you drawn to theoretical physics in the first place. 

Like, are you genuinely interested as fuck in understanding physics in your free time? What would be a project or problem in theoretical physics that you can genuinely get excited about? Try to identify what is it that excites you. 

 

Expose yourself to more experience here and allow yourself to deeply introspect into how it feels. Do not stall your decision making, do not be indecisive. Making the wrong decision will provide you the clarity you need on what the right decision is.  

Make a decision to pursue an activity that you think is aligned with your life purpose, and during the moments of direct experience and after, reflect on whether or not you genuinely align with this part of reality.

It may not be just "theoretical Physics" But something more fundamental and broad to that. 

Edited February 16 by ZenSwift

[woohoo123]

Hey there 

I'm a Physics graduate but not working in the field of Physics. I was in a similar position to yourself, I can describe my thought process back then and perhaps it may help you. Of course this is a reflection of my own journey so yours might be different. Also I was not aware of life purpose back then, I was simply following my needs. I do not regret any of my decisions though. I am assuming you are young, apologies if not.

Why did I get into Physics? I was seeking to understand the Universe. I was seeking to feel wonder, awe and finally understand the nature of life. I didn't know at the time, but I was seeking spirituality (ofc I did not have this perspective back then). I had a feeling the Universe was 'special' but I did not know about God or anything like that.

When I got to University, I did feel the entire thing was quite a drag. I did not really enjoy memorising hundreds of equations, spending all my weekends solving problem sheets and revising to pass like 10 exams every semester. The workload did put a bad taste in my mouth, I did not really like the pressure and the nature of environment. My mind did not feel free, it was like I was being trained to pass exams (which I did with top honours) but the experience was not what I expected it to be. I expected much more free reign which I didn't seem to get. 

During this time I spent so much time on my own, studying and in the library I became very isolated. I dealt with loneliness, lack of social and dating life and self-worth issues. I did not know at the time but this was the start of my personal development journey. Learning to handle these emotions and trying to get outside success to fill these holes made me think of doing stuff outside of Physics. You mentioned social life is dead, I wonder if you feel the same? That might be spilling into your experience of Physics. I would've enjoyed the experience more if I had an active social life, but there was no way I could've kept up with the work if that were the case.

I also realized I enjoyed the IDEA of being a physicist (because of the prestige, being associated with intelligence) more than actually doing the work. Sure there were times I enjoyed it, math is very beautiful and its so nice when it all fits together, those breakthroughs were nice. However overall the actual work (labs, studying math, workload etc) felt like a drag to me. That was another clue. 

Although I was good at math, I realized I am not naturally drawn to it. My skills mostly developed as a requirement from society and parents (tutor and school etc). But if I observe myself when I am left to my own devices, I do not create math. I do not write equations on windows like those child geniuses on TV, I don't think up and solve problems mathematically, I naturally don't think of the world in a mathematical formulaic way (I prefer philosophy and thinking in broader strokes).

I much prefer writing or learning music in my free time. I like scientific IDEAS but I don't like doing the actual science. I like reading ABOUT science, I like reading about discoveries, but I don't actually like doing the science itself. I could not imagine myself being happy going into the lab each day or doing research on a very specific narrow topic. Do you actually enjoy doing the actual science? 

As I got further into my degree, I felt like the only people who could understand me were other Physicists. I felt like I was becoming very narrow, the specialisation did put me off a bit. One of my main reasons for doing Physics was to help inspire and bring that awe and wonder to others. I was thinking of becoming a science communicator instead of an actual scientist.

But I didn't want to become a teacher or anything. I wanted to become rich (and there seemed to be better ways to do that than staying in Academia) . This academic environment was too quiet, too hidden away for me. I wanted to wear a nice suit to work, experience the luxuries of life, have the spotlight on me for a bit, not sit in an armchair and become a middle aged man. I wanted to experience material success when I was still young and that desire was building more and more. 

So instead I took some inspiration from John 'Larry' Kelly and started learning financial maths. I had this image of being like a 'rebel' scientist, being a baller on Wall Street or a top engineer in some defence company.  For me that was pretty much the final straw and I went onto the next chapter (and into city life).

I think if I had gone into Physics later in life.... say maybe even now I would have a higher chance of staying in there as I have got some stuff out my system (experiencing wall street and the corporate world). But as a young man, I felt like there were some things I wanted to experience at that time (I wanted to conquer the world) and staying in Physics would've be too restrictive for me. 

Ask yourself, what is it that makes you think theoretical Physics isn't right for you? Pay MAJOR attention to that. I think the fact you are even questioning is a sign, but you might not be consciously aware of what it is trying to point out to you yet. What are you missing right now that you want? In those moments you are questioning, what are you missing right now that you need? What would make things better for you? It might be the Physics, or it might be something else which is trying to get your attention.

 I do think life purpose tends to be on the upper end of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, so if you're not there yet I wouldn't try to force it, 

Also agree more experience and perspective (eg. I think its a good idea to take that internship) and see how you feel. Do you see yourself doing that everyday? If not, what else would you rather experience? That experience will help bring you more clarity

Good luck brother 

Edited February 16 by woohoo123