Soulmate

[Buck Edwards]

I have to do what will serve me best. 

At the moment I will need to cut all kinds of socializing for good. It's just not healthy. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Hey Soulmate, sometimes I feel like I want to share a million things with you 

 

I wish I knew the meaning of a soulmate years ago. 

I wish I wasn't so dumb. 

I wish I had known basic wisdom. 

I regret a lot of things. I went round and round around a lot of things and experimented way too much with very little guidance or wisdom 

I wish I had met certain people long ago too. 

I just never stood a decent chance at anything at all. Just manipulated at a very young age. 

And at a tender preteen age, I developed some massive self destructive behaviors. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

In two weeks it's Valentine's Day. A special day for lovers. 

A week after that is my birthday. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Hey Soulmate, 

 

I want to be a better person for you. I want to outgrow all of my weaknesses. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I wanna vacation somewhere down south in Mexico. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Hey Soulmate, 

I love you. I really love you. I really love. I love you more than I love myself. 

[Buck Edwards]

I think I have finally found my soulmate.. 

 

But in an imaginary sorta context. I like creating tulpas. 

 

This soulmate tulpa I created. 

 

I have named my soulmate tulpa - 

Velvet Tambourine 

They are made of velvet but they are strong as steel. 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Hey Velvet Tambourine, 

 

You are evergreen. You are charming. You are my soulmate. You are made of velvet. But you are strong as steel. 

[Buck Edwards]

My Soulmate, My Velvet Tambourine - 

 

If you really and truly truly love me deeply then you gotta buy some rosehip oil and use it on your skin. 

 

 

I'm gonna get some rosehip oil as well. I want the smell of that stuff on my skin. 

 

 

C'mon my lover go get some rosehip oil and use it on your face.

 

[Buck Edwards]

So January 16 was a bad day because I had a tiff with someone that day. Nothing romantic. Just a casual person I knew since a year. The next three days were spent sulking and dealing with the unnecessary drama. Didn't want fights. They are just nasty to deal with. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then it felt like the other place I was at was just too much to be involved with. Nothing fruitful. Unnecessary critique and the gaslighting was beyond normal. I don't know wherever I go, I end up fighting with people over someone or something. I swear I'm more into harmony and love. No idea what attracts all the nastiness. 

 

 

 

 

January 20 - I began to feel better slightly. The first 5 days between January 15 to January 22 were mostly spent in excruciating pain from the factory work. 

 

I took a break from the yarn factory work for 3-4 days. This was from January 22  to January 26. 

 

I felt emotionally withdrawn post January 26. A bit overwhelmed. Stressed. No sleep. I relief heavily on caffeine and stimulants to get by. 

 

This entry reflects that - 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 30 by Buck Edwards

[Buck Edwards]

 

January 24 - Brandy Buck And Beer

 

January 20 - Sincere communication

 

January 28 - Soulmate 

 

 

 

 

I have found work at the yarn factory. It's sometimes a bit physically taxing. 

 

 

 

 

 

Today was a fantastic day. I learned a helluva lot today. It was transformative in a way I cannot express and be grateful enough for. That's why this journal title.. 

[Buck Edwards]

I remember making this entry on January 25, 2024, Thursday and the fallout sorta hangover of that incident leaked into the next few days.. 

 

I think I have hypomania

It's a complex combination of adrenal dysregulation-hyperactivity-mania-substance abuse-dopamine craving-adrenal fatigue-adrenaline addiction salt sugar imbalance-general deficit disorder.

 

ADHMSADCAFAASSIGDD

This is what I will call it. 

I'll shorten it to ADDGDD

Which as per me means - Adrenal dysregulation Dopamine General Deficit Disorder

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

So I can safely say that my hypomania kept spiraling from January 25  into January 26, 27 and January 28. I'm not sure of the latter days but it begins to keep fawning for a while once it kicks. So it has to be a minimum 3-4 days fawn.

 

 

This journal was recorded on January 27-28..... 

Now the fawning has stopped and I'm doing better without medication. 

 

Schizoid behaviour still present. I didn't want to talk to people I had been talking to. Total avoidance. 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

adrenal dysregulation-hyperactivity-mania-substance abuse-dopamine craving-adrenal fatigue-adrenaline addiction salt sugar imbalance-general deficit disorder

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

My soulmate sang this song. 

 

What's my name? 

Your name is Velvet Tambourine

What's my name?

Velvet Tambourine

What's my name? 

Velvet Tambourine

What's my name? 

Velvet Tambourine

What's my name? 

And who does your pussy belong to? 

(To you....) 

Velvet Tambourine

What's my name? 

Velvet Tambourine

What's my name? 

Velvet Tambourine

 

[Buck Edwards]

I need some German spice in my drink. 

[Buck Edwards]

 

Whatever happened, you are also mine whatever you agreed to So why don't I also say it, say it I also fell in love I am beginning to belong to you, I am beginning to lose you ever since i met you I am beginning to belong to you, I am beginning to lose you ever since i met you

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

This heartache is very tough on me. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

I wish I had never fallen in love. I wish I had told my heart there's an ocean there full of love and kindness and strength. And that strength I have to find on my own. And that life I have to build on my own. 

 

And.. Be with someone who truly cares and wants to truly belong to you. It's hard. But someone who has always been around. Someone who has proved their love and commitment to you like a true friend, true guide, always been by your side and honored your emotions through communication and who stands by you when you need them. Who isn't with you just for pleasure and adventure. But with you in your pain. Someone who puts the effort to earn and keep your trust. 

 

Who is sincere in their emotions they feel for you. Who is truthful of their intent. Who is ready for all it takes to be by your side and who is ready to escalate this commitment to every level it can go to and isn't afraid or unwilling to do it. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Someone who doesn't disappear when you show real emotions. 

 

 

Someone who trusts me a little less than they trust their brother.