The scapegoating of the nice guy

[mr_engineer]

5 minutes ago, Buck Edwards said:

It seems like you want to view yourself as a work in progress yet you want her to be perfect? You judge her as unsuitable if she starts a conflict with you. So you consider her immature and don't want to see her as a work in progress 

No, I don't want her to be perfect, I'm perfectly fine with her being a work in progress. Having said that, dealbreakers are dealbreakers. 

If you start a pointless conflict, that may or may not be a sign of immaturity. It's not a sign of immaturity, if you don't want a loving relationship and you're okay with petty conflicts. 

And this doesn't mean that she's unsuitable. She's hot and successful, most men would be happy to be with her. Just not me! 

[Buck Edwards]

15 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

No, I don't want her to be perfect, I'm perfectly fine with her being a work in progress. Having said that, dealbreakers are dealbreakers. 

If you start a pointless conflict, that may or may not be a sign of immaturity. It's not a sign of immaturity, if you don't want a loving relationship and you're okay with petty conflicts. 

And this doesn't mean that she's unsuitable. She's hot and successful, most men would be happy to be with her. Just not me! 

Why aren't petty conflicts a part of "work in progress?"

48 minutes ago, mr_engineer said:

Kay. 

Just to be clear, you're also talking about a 'loving' relationship, right? Cuz in my definition of 'loving', starting a conflict for no reason is a dealbreaker. 

By growth, I mean, teaching the other to be in relationship with ourselves. We are unique individuals with unique needs and we should be able to coach the other person into meeting those needs. We shouldn't expect them to know everything coming into the relationship, we should not be relying on 'past experience', in fact, it is healthy to admit that you don't know the other person and how to relate to them before they teach you how to do so. 

'Go for broke' is an American term for being ambitious and not clinging too much to security. 

As I said, careers come and go. You have to have the right priorities in life if you want to die without regrets. 

Also, relationship-wisdom is very applicable to business. So, there isn't much to lose by prioritizing the relationship and there isn't much to gain from prioritizing the career. The career is meaningless anyways if you're coming back to an empty house. 

The whole point of the partner wising up is so that she helps with the self-work. 

I don't see myself as a 'product' to put on the shelf so that 'consumers' (women) can come, see whether they like it and use and throw me. If you prefer a 'finished product' over a 'work-in-progress' which I will always be, cuz I'm not perfect (neither are you), don't waste my time. 

It seems like you want to view yourself as a work in progress yet you want her to be perfect? You judge her as unsuitable if she starts a conflict with you. So you consider her immature and don't want to see her as a work in progress 

[mr_engineer]

1 hour ago, Buck Edwards said:

Why aren't petty conflicts a part of "work in progress?"

Petty conflicts are not 'work in progress'. The one starting them is just being dumb. Either they're being dumb or they don't want a loving relationship. Both of which are dealbreakers for me. 

'Work in progress' means that you're doing the work, you're not wasting time and energy on pointless bullshit. I gotta see the work to believe a 'work in progress'! Having issues is not enough to be a 'work in progress', you gotta show that you're doing something about the issues. 

Edited January 31 by mr_engineer

[Consept]

On 31/01/2024 at 6:04 PM, mr_engineer said:

Yeah. 

I don't approach women because 'she make my dick hard, so me go approach'. I need more knowledge about her to ask her out, I am actively looking for red-flags in hot women. I am very committed to the process of getting into a loving relationship. 

This whole thread is just OP describing what he believes to be himself and then subtly complaining because he can't get a girlfriend even though he has all these positive attributes. 

[mr_engineer]

5 minutes ago, Consept said:

This whole thread is just OP describing what he believes to be himself and then subtly complaining because he can't get a girlfriend even though he has all these positive attributes. 

Kay. 

[Bazooka Jesus]

On 1.2.2024 at 3:19 AM, mr_engineer said:

Petty conflicts are not 'work in progress'. The one starting them is just being dumb. Either they're being dumb or they don't want a loving relationship. Both of which are dealbreakers for me.

Or maybe, they're just curious to see how you react to (playful) opposition. Are you going to be irritated, butthurt and defensive (which indicates insecurity), or are you going to accept the invitation to the dance and "fire back" in a flirty and light-hearted way (which indicates confidence and inner freedom)?

There's nothing wrong with being a nice guy as long as you're not just a nice guy. Women also want to see and feel your decisiveness and resilience in the face of challenge; there is a world of difference between being nice from a place of insecurity/scarcity or being nice from a place of confidence/abundance (just as there is a huge difference between a woman being playfully cheeky & confrontational and her being a genuinely cranky you-know-what). Women "shittesting" you is their way of finding out to which of those two camps you belong to... and once you overcome your insecurities and learn to playfully counter her provocative nudges, the dance becomes fun and enjoyable for the both of you.

[mr_engineer]

43 minutes ago, Bazooka Jesus said:

Or maybe, they're just curious to see how you react to (playful) opposition. Are you going to be irritated, butthurt and defensive (which indicates insecurity), or are you going to accept the invitation to the dance and "fire back" in a flirty and light-hearted way (which indicates confidence and inner freedom)?

Oh no, by 'petty conflict', I don't mean, them personally attacking me. (By the way, those who personally attack me don't deserve to talk to me at all.) I mean, a conflict over what would be the right way to do something together as a team. 

In the conflict I was talking about, the point of disagreement was a fact. I knew a fact she didn't and she kept arguing for it. This was a red-flag, because it signaled closed-mindedness, which would cause much bigger problems in the future. The conflict itself was petty, the stakes weren't that high. But, argumentativeness is a hell no for me. We can be friends but we can't date. 

Edited February 2 by mr_engineer