2024

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Hi there. This is going to be my self-actualization journal for 2024. 2023 has been a very important year of my life, I started learning 3D art (because I want to do it professionally in the future) and I went to therapy. During therapy I discovered that I don't have any mental disorders, but I do have a very severe neurosis. Neurosis has been very poisonous for my mind, my life, my relationships and  my overall feeling of happiness. Dealing with it made things so much better.

I still have some big and small goals of course. I really want to get healthy and get in shape (my binge-eating stems from neurosis as well), and I want to improve my skills to be able to get a job eventually. I want to learn to be happy with the things I have now. I want to be less judgmental towards myself and others. I want to do things out of love not because I think I should do them.

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Yesterday was lovely. I spent the day with my bestie and her sister, we went to the afternoon tea ceremony and after that-to a piano concert. I find it hard to socialize sometimes, but everything went well.

I got the pictures from the event this morning and yes, I’m even bigger than I though I was. I really should loose around 15-20 kgs, I don’t really like the way I look.

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Being in my early 30s and having a history of dead-end jobs, I realized how important that is to develop a valuable skill that you can later sell as an employee. I really envy people who are great doctors, engineers, lawyers, artists, programmers, etc. I wish I spent the last 10 years working on mastering a skill, but I have to do it now, which is pretty late. 

Here are some of my 3D works I’ve done since February. I decided to spend the next 5-10 years working really hard to become good at this.

 

[Greatnestwithin]

Beautiful work, keep it up!

[mydiamondsandpearls]

@Greatnestwithin thank you very much!

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Being on the journey of healing my neurotic personality, I’ve discovered a couple of unpleasant truths about how my mind, self-esteem and the process of making decisions work. It boils down to me not liking myself much. There’s this very deep belief that something is wrong with me and I am somehow flawed. All my adult life I was trying to «fix things», just to get rid of this feeling. It led to a cycle of neurotic behaviors and caused severe anxiety. 

There is this stick that I use to beat myself up and I wasn’t even aware of it. I started using the same thing to «beat» others (judging) instead of getting rid of the stick once and for all.

It’s a sad realization. Like having the opposite of rose-colored glasses, having a negative image of myself that I really thought was the truth (objective reality). I went through a lot of emotional abuse in my childhood and God knows how much work it’ll take me to get rid of its consequences. I booked another therapy session.

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Some of my previous sketches. I plan to make 1 sketch a day in 2024.

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Yesterday I went to a burlesque show for the first time. I didn't know what to expect, but I have to say that the show was fantastic! The most unexpected things for me was that it was really great for helping me to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Most dancers were actually bigger than me, but they were so beautiful and flexible and just gorgeous. It showed me that even if you are on a weigh-loss journey, you can still love yourself and getting in shape can be a self-loving act. You can still take care of your body, dress nicely and just enjoy life without fixating too much on your weight.

Edited December 21, 2023 by mydiamondsandpearls

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Today was a good day. I cleaned the whole apartment and cooked some healthy meals: buckwheat, roasted pumpkin, boiled eggs and a big vegetable salad. I also started sleeping better, because therapy helps with my neuroticism. I take baby steps with my self-actualization, because every time I would do things too intensely (David Goggins style), I’d backslide because of too much stress.

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Today was not too bad, I wasn't as productive as I wish I was because I didn't get much sleep. I practiced digital sculpting (male portrait) for a couple of hours, and that was it (besides some chores). I planned to start working out, but unfortunately I was too sleepy to do it today. 

Some of my previous speed sculpts: 

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Yesterday was really lovely. I went for a coffee with my best friend and we walked in the park. She said that I look and feel different-happier and more relaxed. It was really nice to hear! Therapy works.

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate today!

Yesterday was another lovely day. It was lovely for a couple of reasons. 

I went to the cinema to see the new Miyazaki’s film and it was incredible! I love his work, it inspires me a lot to continue with art and the maestro himself is a great example of passion and mastery.

I paid for the next semester in Art School! I’m starting on February 5th and I’m so exited! The class is gonna be taught by one of my favorite 3D artists in the industry, I really hope to boost my skill with his teaching. 

I haven’t binged and overall sleep and feel better. I eat anything I want, but don't overeat. I worry a bit that I won’t be able to loose weight this way, but I decided that getting over an eating disorder is more important. I walk a lot too. 

pic: The cinema I went to is located on a working film studio, the place itself is very interesting. 

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Today was pretty ok, not the most productive, but not the laziest either. I woke up late (around 12 pm), so all I managed to do is to clean the whole apartment and practice ZBrush for about 2 hours. I struggle with sculpting hair and ears.

I’m glad I manage to keep my living space clean (struggled with that in the past) and work on my 3D skills regularly (even if it’s only 1-2 hours a day). Next I want to work on my sleep schedule and build a workout routine.

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Lets talk about the last two days. Tuesday was ok, I went to see my Mom before she leaves for vacation. We had great time, she noticed that I became more calm and more mature. Our relationship is so much better. I told her that I’ve been going on therapy, she fully supported it.

Wednesday was therapy day. I still hate going there, I don't like the place at all (it’s a regular state psychiatric hospital), I don't like the process. But the result is there. Talking about your deepest pain, things you are ashamed about to a literal stranger is still hard for me. I cry every session. And I feel drained after. But I’m really happy it’s working.

[Tboy]

this is really great, you're doing a great job. Stay consistent on the things that will bring you the most happiness in your life and you'll get where you want to be no doubt!

[Tboy]

the book mastery (George Leonard) is very helpful for working on a skillset - I recommend

[mydiamondsandpearls]

@Tboy thank you for kind words and recommendation:)

[mydiamondsandpearls]

Going on holiday so won't be updating much in the next couple of days. Happy holidays!

[Gladius]

Wonderful pieces of art, keep it up. Finding a job you absolutely love in your thirties is possible, I promise. Happy new year!

Edited January 1 by Gladius

[mydiamondsandpearls]

@Gladius Thank you so much! Happy New Year to you too:)