The mountain of hope Kedarnath Sanatan Dharma

[Buck Edwards]

I love you man. I miss you. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I wanna drink 4 shots of beer and go to bed and never wake up. 

Life is boring dude. 

And I need some. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I wanna get drunk, then lick lip and then doop into bed. 

[Buck Edwards]

Everything is beautiful 

[Buck Edwards]

 

[Buck Edwards]

Satyanarayan pooja/puja

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Edited July 5, 2023 by Enlightement

[Buck Edwards]

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

 

 

Edited July 5, 2023 by Enlightement

[Buck Edwards]

This is so relaxing. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

[Buck Edwards]

Adishesha. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Naag Panchami. On August 2.

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

Significance of snakes in mysticism. 

 

[Buck Edwards]

 

[Buck Edwards]

I feel relaxed listening to Sadhguru. What a guy. 

I contacted my sister yesterday. Nice. Everything is fine. 

 

 

 

[Buck Edwards]

I'll walk away. 

[Buck Edwards]

That was the story of my life. 

I'll write this for Leo to read. He gives excellent advice. 

@Leo Gura

I've recently been with someone and it resulted into conflict and discord and we separated. Ever since I've been feeling empty and finding it tough to get over it. 

I'll At some point, it felt as though I was being used. Their needs weren't fulfilled and they tried to be subtle about it. 

I didn't want to be their .... I don't know what to call that.... Like an underdog. Pushover

I looked up online. This is what I found. 

someone who soaks up the negativity and intense emotions of other people at their own expense and is usually a high-empathy person. Here are some signs that you are one of them. 1. You feel like you are taking up way more emotional labor than they are doing for. 

I thought the exact same thing. I was taking up way more emotional labor than what they were willing to invest. 

I wanted love from the person I separated from. Not sympathy. That was the main crux of the situation. 

When they were overly sympathetic, it became condescending and patronizing. I was tired and I gave up. They weren't matching my needs. 

My needs were always on the back burner.

I want to get back to my work and quickly get over it. I don't think I want to be invested anymore. What is the most efficient way to replace human bonds with something that can be satisfying. Any activity that can take my mind off and feel less empty. 

Curious and thanks for stopping by. 

[Buck Edwards]

Out of every thing in my life, this by far is the hardest. It's not being rejected at the get go. I'm usually likable. But I usually get dumped after loss of interest. It's not much different than being rejected outrightly. Yet abandonment and rejection has been my greatest battle. Not getting the validation from the opposite sex. Not getting sex period. Not having romance. I find a lot of people desirable but nothing sticks for long. It gets boring after a while. 

The problem is not not finding someone. But finding someone who seems perfect at first and then being rejected by this "perfect person." 

It hurts like a million knives cutting through skin. Not even having that whiff, that slice of hope of finding someone romantically compatible and then it working out to some stable degree to a level where I'm content with how things panned out eventually and not feeling bitter anymore. Just knowing my youth is  sorted out romantically. Maybe I'm too desperate and needy for human connection. 

I'm not asking much. Just one successful relationship is all it will take for me to feel that awesomeness, that wholesomeness I keep craving for, (maybe validation I don't know), but that one thing where it would feel like true sustainable love that lasts at least for a year or two. 

I know asking for a lifetime relationship is a bit too much. Nobody does that. But a year would be awesome. A year with a person I really desire to be with. All it takes. Humanity. 

I would not even complain if they dumped me for good. At least I got some validation. 

Rejection is awful, period. 

Why can't we have nice things?

I know I sound like a baby whining for candy. 

What perspective helps? 

Malaga Enlightement 

sounds like you're placing your mental state, your faith, to someone and you're feel like doubting, it's ok, just sit with it, and go on with da journey. 

Malaga Enlightement 

 

Not sure if it's true in your case, but I think the mind-frame you described tends to lead one toward being a beggar or an opportunist.  You either end up begging for scraps of relationships, little bits of validation here and there, just the leftovers they can give you without having to commit to anything, trying never to ask for too much lest it all be over.  Or, you end up an opportunist waiting and looking for weakness, for a chance or opportunity that your target has their guard down and is vulnerable and easy to access.  Getting someone on the rebound is a clear example of this, or being the "mistress" for someone who's unhappy with their current relationship.

 

These two modalities are ways you can seek relationships that require more desperation than confidence.  You're never really clear about your needs or goals with yourself or the other person, because you're desperately afraid they'll find out too much and dump you.

Malaga Enlightement. 

This is false. I know, you hear your friends say 'I dated this person for a year' and 'I dated this person for two years'. But, let me tell you - you're not missing much. 

The reality of most relationships is that they are very transactional. And, they do not, in fact, feel 'awesome' and 'wholesome'. One or both parties has to manipulate the other to get what they want. That's the way most of dating works. And, the advice that most people give of 'focus on yourself' and 'develop yourself first' is to not fall into these patterns. Because they've been there, done that and are telling you that it is literally not worth it. 

Now, why do unconscious people just 'happen' to date for years? Because they're repeating patterns that worked for them at home. And, they have some privileges in their upbringing. This does not make them wiser relative to relationships. 

Why is this the reality of most dating? Because most people are narcissistic who only care about themselves and what they can get from others. That's how most couples fight, in fact. It's pretty pedestrian and unsexy. 

So, what should you do? You should think back to having rejected someone in your life. It has happened before. And think back to why you did that. It was probably because they were low-quality in some ways and because you have standards and they didn't make the cut. This should give you some insight into your ideal relationship. So, the next step is to visualize that and to get ready for that. 

And, one final point - this is not going to happen with anyone. You will have to form a dating-strategy to vet people so that you find someone compatible. This is the point that the people saying 'focus on yourself' are trying to make. Because then, you figure out the kind of life you want and what type of partner would fit into that. 

 

 Malaga Enlightement. 

Make yourself more interesting and fun to be around than anybody you know.

Your relationship with yourself is the only one you'll always have, so you better make it work 

 

Malaga Enlightement. 

I'd continue mediating and contemplating, if you can. If you have healthy ways to recover and hobbies I'd do that too. If you're feeling very strong negative emotions take it easy, and go easy on yourself.

 

Malaga Enlightement. 

Embracing your quirks and curiosities, and making them apart of your life shamelessly, regardless of what people think. Things you look forward to do with yourself when you have time. One simple rule: If you love it, do it. If you don't love it, don't do it.

Things that bring you joy, even if they are irregular and people have never heard of them. For example I came across some YouTube videos years ago about ecospheres, I was interested so I made it a hobby that morning. Now I have multiple jars and tanks of swamp water in my apartment , with little critters swimming around inside for years.

When you're doing things you enjoy, it will be REALLY hard for your brain to be thinking about stressful things like discord and emptiness.

So let's brainstorm. Name 3 things you like you could realistically do in the next few days.

I guarantee if you put aside just 1 hour a day for those things your mood would drastically improve.

Malaga Enlightement. 

At some point, it felt as though I was being used. Their needs weren't fulfilled and they tried to be subtle about it. 

I didn't want to be their .... I don't know what to call that.... Like an underdog. Pushover. 

I looked up online - 

someone who soaks up the negativity and intense emotions of other people at their own expense and is usually a high-empathy person. Here are some signs that you are one of them. 1. You feel like you are taking up way more emotional labor than they are doing for. 

 

I thought the exact same thing. I was taking up way more emotional labor than what they were willing to invest. 

........................................................ 

Coming to the list of of 3 things I could in the next few days - 

1)  reading books. Although it's been long since I read the last time. 

2) just sitting and meditating. Lotus position. 

3) sitting in the forest early morning hours and soaking in  the wet fog. 

4) collecting bottle caps and coffee mugs. I sounds weird  I used to do that as a kid. 

 

Malaga Enlightement. 

Drawing, chess, and gaming. For emotional processing mostly drawing, for me if it's negative I use charcoals and shades of greys, plus willow charcoal. Coloring books can also help, as well as journaling.

   Also, since you've broken up, and are processing the emotions, I'd suggest take it slow until you've settled back in yourself, because what can happen is that a person rushes to date the next girl, and the person might get the new girlfriend, but if the person hasn't settled down and is suppressing the hurt feelings, typically the new GF is like the new emotional crutch, distracting from the negative feelings of the prior breakup, which can later undermine the new relationship. It's similar to if you've owned a pet, years go by, the pet is cute and you're feed and taken care of this pet, then the pet dies at some point, the person grieves, but hasn't fully resolved those feelings and will seek out another pet to have as an emotional crutch. It's this vicious codependency that can develop if you're not careful.

Malaga Enlightenment 

They always do. There's no way around that. It will sting like a bitch for at least a few weeks. Then it goes way.

A breakup is literally just a chemical reaction.

Malaga Enlightenment

What does this mean? What were the positives of being with them? 

 

Malaga Enlightenment

ng it tough to get over it.

A possibility: you're resisting feeling the emotions deeply. Feel them with little blockage and the current will pass through with ease. This is you letting go. Okay, the emotions will pass FASTER this way, great.

Right now you're in fear. Slap yourself awake. Remember who you are deep down. Exhume that inner strength. That will translate into anger which can translate into productive action. From there you step into courage and are ready to move into a more virtuous loop with yourself and others. Build clarity or remember your purpose and stay on that pursuit.

Malaga Enlightenment

There you go, you don't even have to do all of them in one day.

You have 5 there I see, put one for each day of the upcoming week and chill for the rest of today. EZ PZ!

 

Malaga Enlightenment

Never invest in anyone that you don't see in real life. Your reaction seems excessive. And learn the art of detachment from others and things. Make yourself dependent on nothing but yourself, it is all you need in life.

 

Malaga Enlightenment

Let me share my understanding, 

You're feeling empty because you're not getting your old habitual stimulation,

Solution no 1: You need to switch it to some other stimulus, switching needs some effort, you can follow a 45 day challenge for that, It really works for me every time when I want to keep doing something new I follow that, and people are surprised at me that how I have suddenly changed. 

Solution no 2: That's even more profound but a bit hard to follow, observing the pain, meditation and contemplation

If you stop getting any habitual stimulation you will feel the same emptiness

-Eating delicious food

-Shopping

-Traveling

-Hanging out

- Clothing

-Using Whatsapp

-Gossip

There is no difference between your partner and these things all are attachments. 

Malaga Enlightenment

I mean online dating or even online friendships are very fragile and underwhelming. Most relationships in real life are shallow and stupid, so what do you think about those online? 

 

Malaga Enlightenment

 

[Buck Edwards]

Now this journal is just going to be a long long list of just contemplations and just contemplations..

 

With some typos for sure. 

 

I thought about thought stories and do nothing meditation. 

Calm your mind first and then..... 

Your prana life is an infinite force. 

 

You've that wisdom within you Malaga. You only have to find it. Find it now. 

You want peace. You'll get peace. Peace, love and the universe is all that is left at the end of the day.

 

Let the storm of ego die down. 

after the storm of ego has passed(purification),, which I would consider as purification. 

Ego death is not an easy thing by any means. But I'll try to work on it. 

Today I stumbled upon beautiful music for meditation practice and that really made me happy. It's great for healing Chakras I think. I'll share it later. 

Calm your mind first and then..... 

 

I think there should also exist certain principles of spirituality.

 

I sometimes feel sleepy during meditation. And I need to find a way around it. 

 

Now this journal is just going to be a long long list of just contemplations and just contemplations..

 

I'm seriously pursuing psychedelics especially hawaiian baby woodrose. That's awesome for my body and mind. I did feel nauseous but that's bearable so far. I mixed it with lemon juice and orange juice.