I don't think I'm going to get better

[enzyme]

I suffer from ruminating thoughts about violent/abusive events that happened when I was young.  Not a single day goes by where I don't have any reprieve or a brief moment where I'm not being bombarded with such distressing images and flashbacks.

I've been on anti-depressants.  I've been referred for counseling which never fell through because the NHS is crumbling apart.  I've been meditating consistently for 30-40 minutes every day.  I've been reading about the ego, impermanence, the false self and letting go.  I can understand these ideas intellectually but these flashes keep re-appearing and I keep getting sucked into the midst of it all, not realizing I've just been affected until it's too late.  I eat fairly healthy.  I'm at a balanced weight.  I don't drink or smoke.  I've recently gotten into mushrooms which lifted the depressive fog I was under but that was only an underlying/minor issue compared to this.

I'm honestly at my wits end and I'm reaching the verge of not having any desire to go on if my head is going to torment me continuously like this.  I tell myself repeatedly to take responsibility and just stop thinking about it all.  Then it happens out of nowhere and I'm so frustrated at myself for allowing it to have an effect over me.  The only way I can describe it is that it's akin to a sudden punch in the face and I'm almost trembling and crying in fear from re-living these old experiences.  Sometimes I flinch as though it's really happening again and I feel so fucking ashamed and tired of it happening over and over.

 

[Grateful Dead]

It's understandable that you feel this way, but you're already on your way to getting better, even if it doesn't feel like it now. Keep working the mushrooms and dig deeper, you got this!! 

[Raze]

Try ifs therapy and mdma with a guide

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsyP80BydV4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVqANXVTLN4

http://happinessbeyondthought.blogspot.com/2012/05/surrendering-i-letting-go-of-suffering.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

Edited May 28, 2023 by Raze

[enzyme]

Thank you both for replying.  I'm feeling much better than I was when I made my initial post.  I've learned that I definitely have the capacity to heal and to let go of all my unhelpful traits in time.

[Roy]

You are stronger than you think you are.

Keep going!