My history with slut shaming

[trenton]

I think this post will provide some useful insight into psychological defense mechanisms and how to overcome them. Ever since a traumatic event from when I was about six I have been judgemental toward sex. I very rarely overtly slut shamed anyone, but I did silently judge them and it hurts me.

I used to be like the other kids laughing over low brow humor, but I started distancing myself from them. One of the reasons is that I thought they were fools. "Stupid" never felt like the right insult to describe the behavior of the children. It would be more accurate to say that I felt they were sexually improper. Part of the judgement was for fear of punishment.

Sometimes I felt sexually harassed. This includes the girl who grabbed my penis in the lunch room. My avoidance of sexually improper conduct caused other people to think I was gay and they started bullying me for it. Even my family suspected I was gay, and I am only now clearing this up with them.

Other girls in high school tried flirting with me, but I was silently repelled by their behavior. I saw kids drawing dicks on the walls. Part of me found it funny and I judged myself for it. I look back at the self judgement that comes from slut shaming and it is insane. It placed a ridiculous burden on me. I even judged myself for masturbation and all of my fantasies. Again I used "stupid" instead of "sexually improper."

 in this process of judging sex, I ended up picking up the belief that lust was sin even though I am not religious and never plan to be. I find it instructive that the human psyche is not designed for truth, but rather self validation. It will cherry pick any belief so long as it serves your identity. Recognizing that the attachment to this belief served the function of validation for my perspective of that time helps to let go.

The sense of being morally virtuous is addicting as crack. It has a good feeling to it, but is actually low conscious. I did not understand how it would hurt me. I judged myself for gay and straight fantasies while having intrusive rape fantasies. These intrusive rape fantasies were often accompanied by suicidal thoughts. It's insane how much it hurts.

One lesson I take away from the low consciousness of being morally virtuous, is that I call people out for different reasons. Moral righteousness often leads to smugness which In turn makes you seem immoral. It is the hypocrisy of moral superiority and it defeats the purpose of improving your character. My goal in calling people out is not to hurt them or feel superior. My goal is to raise our collective consciousness for the good of myself and others. I do so out of love, not out of the selfish desire to be morally superior.

I even implicitly slut shamed my own mother. I wrote a message to her earlier today apologizing for something she may not have picked up on or may have forgotten. I am just now realizing how much mental energy I put into maintaining my memories. I have put a lot of energy into maintaining memories for fear of being self deceived through white washing my memories. This started after the incident from when I was six. In any case, I am trying to rebuild my relationship with mom despite my previous frustration toward her regarding her refusal to evict my abusive step father. I feel that I hurt her feelings unnecessarily in lashing out at her. All of this is the reason I live with my grandma now.

My dad was a hypocrite in slut shaming my mom. He had children by multiple women and preached the bible to me. He made me feel bad about myself for masturbation. He called mom a slut when he learned that another man was spending time with her after Mike was evicted.

Most men don't hold themselves to higher standards. I try to and it hurts more than you realize just through reading this. The shallowness of pursuing sex never appealed to me, but a genuine emotional connection with someone does. If sex happens in a relationship then fine, I just want love.

I judged men and women throughout my life for sexual misconduct. It even found its way into my political beliefs. For example, when looking at an issue like abortion, I felt this underlying sense of disgust at women who abuse the procedure, getting 5 or more abortions. I was never overt, but I noticed that I had this underlying sense of slut shaming which was buried beneath the surface moral arguments against abortion. The anti abortion movement takes this to a greater extreme, but I don't see the need to detail this. It also made me feel morally virtuous again.

Judging sex scandals always felt hollow and shallow To me for some reason. It seems like a cheap social outrage To be carried away by. For example, I judged churches for raping kids, but something felt off and dirty about it for some reason. I don't know if this is the reason, but I feel the pain of sexual repression myself and intrusive rape fantasies scare me. It is not hard for me to imagine that someone might snap under this and become an actual rapist. I don't think it makes sense to judge them.

I also judged sex songs and dances with revealing clothing. again, the energy that goes into judging sex to the point that songs make me uncomfortable is ridiculous. I am still not desensitized to this. Sometimes I cringe over these songs. Even good songs are ruined when I realize they are about sex but I didn't realize it previously.

My dad was interested in strip clubs, but I wasn't. I am afraid of getting a lap dance because I'm afraid of not being able to control myself and I will end up touching her. I probably won't, but I'm afraid anyway. Controlling myself around others had never been issue but I'm afraid it is for some reason. There were people judging my autistic behaviors, but nothing worse than that.

To this day the thought of approaching girls In a bar or night club makes me cringe. I would rather approach girls In the open during the day. The series "how to get laid" rubs me the wrong way. It sounds click baity and it implies motives which I dislike. I could watch it. I'm not afraid to anymore. I watched part of the first one. I am judging bars and nightclubs as having lower quality women, possibly as a consequence of my past slut shaming. Would someone care to dispute my belief that approaching women during the day will yield higher quality women? Perhaps my recent experience with a flat earther should be a counter example. I find it ridiculous how close minded they are.

In any case, slut shaming seems like a cheap way to make oneself feel morally virtuous and it causes enough pain to make you suicidal. There are probably other examples from high school or through other parts of my life that I don't remember at the moment, but I hope you find value in this message.

I wish you nothing but love, good luck.

[Raze]

Read rewire your ocd brain 

[trenton]

@Raze i am checking out the book now. I might need to purchase the ebook, but it is already good.

For my entire life my brain has been a torture chamber and not just on the topic of sex. I often find myself going for walks for hours and I am wearing my legs out even though it gives me emotional relief. This right here could be the solution to all of this constant suffering I have been experiencing for my entire life.

Thank you may sound light, but I hope you know this is a deep thank you.