Meditation & Exacerbation Of My Strange Form Of Social Anxiety

[Oleg F]

This post is more about social anxiety. It's also about potential connection between my meditation practice and becoming more detached from "social life"

I am a 31 year old male and I feel really awkward around guys (my age, younger or older).
Looking back on the last 10 years or so, it seems like I've been gradually getting more and more detached from what people do in general, but especially what guys do.
I've been cutting off guys from my life, and avoiding more and more new connections with guys (but not avoiding new connections with females).
Even my closest friends from childhood/teenage years - I cut all communication to a minimum.
I have a very distinct feeling of awkwardness and tension when I am in a setting of doing "guy things" such as discussing achievements in life, goals, giving presentations in work/business setting(unless it is something I feel strongly about), drinking alcohol, discussing sports teams, and so forth and so on.

I got into a meditation practice around 2014 and it certainly made me more aware of the things I do on a daily basis and the reasons behind those actions.
This in turn seems to have exacerbated my social awkwardness even more. Things like sitting at a bar and literally drinking poison while discussing its taste, along with most of our guy hobbies - it all seems so bizarre (to say the least). Some of those guy hobbies I still do practice but I feel more and more awkward talking about them.

And even outside of the typical "drinking beer at a bar" setting, almost any conversation is unpleasant and awkward (though I try not to show it).
Any conversation with a guy basically consists of two main areas: 1. talk about sports/weather/beer/hobbies/etc and 2. talk about why we feel our life matters
The #2 area is especially awkward because it feels like we all failed at life. And we are trying to EXPLAIN why we didn't. We try to EXPLAIN why the work we do "isn't bad" and pays the bills (but in reality it has little to do with our dream - if we even remember what our dream is). We try to EXPLAIN why out financial situation is better than average (but in reality it's far from what we are actually comparing it to). We try to explain why our family life is better than average (but we still compare it to Hollywood's ideas of family).
If you have to explain it - you are more than likely failing

A conversation with a guy feels like a long explanation of "I am failing at life but let me just EXPLAIN a different perspective on things, and thus create an illusion of my life being successful.

Now, I have to mention that I do understand the ideas of life being a journey and that Failure is just a concept in your head. I respectfully disagree with those ideas.

Another thing I noticed is that I don't feel nearly as awkward with females. I have a lot of intimacy with my female friends(sexual and non sexual). Conversations with females seem to be much less tense and have much less of a "we are failing at life" taste. Sometimes it's nice to just admire a squirrel for example and have a conversation about the squirrel without even thinking about anything else or having to put a meaning or a purpose on it.

Small Talk seems weird to me because all conversations have the same awkward flavor. I am blessed to have a job where I can sometimes avoid interaction with people for 4-5hours at a time. In my business, I recently hired an employee and I found the same type of awkwardness when spending more than 10-15minutes with them.

Ultimately, it drains my energy anytime I go out with guys. It takes a lot of focus and concentration to maintain a "guy conversation" for me. Usually, if I do go out, I need weeks of solitude time to recover from it.

Edited March 5, 2017 by Oleg F

[Nahm]

@Oleg F Dude, I totally relate. Guy convo - sports and beer - is so boring! It's like some loop of madness. Like, how can someone possibly care about what guy is on what team and what team is gonna win, etc. Dudes talk about sports as if they were on the team or coaching it! With respect, I don't think you have social anxiety, I think you are more enlightened then "guys". The key is how do I resolve this so I am happy with it, thus no more anxiety. I suggest you realize that you know something they don't. They're lost in fantasys. You are not. You have to get yourself to a place of acceptance. Define and compartmentalize this stuff a little for the sake of getting some clarity on it. 

I've had the same 2 best friends for twenty some years. They are the best two dudes anyone could ever ask for. With them, I laugh a lot, golf, have a beer, listen to music, talk about movies, talk about our relationships, etc. But if I talk about PD, science, philosophy....they feel a certain sort of inferiority / self awareness and they don't feel good. They internalize it and they don't feel good. It's like telling someone who is sick about how healthy you feel. They are sick with ignorance and arrogance. They sense their sickness, but they are not aware of it. Do you see what I'm saying? You have a good thing going here. Don't ruin it or cause yourself any more anxiety. Understand it. Liberate even more. Don't let your thoughts about them detour your expansion. 

[Arman]

This may help

 

[Neo]

Are you sure it's not to do with the group you hang with? I've never been interested in sports so it simply never comes up in conversation with my mates. If you like squirrels, talk about that with your mates. You may end up with the reputation for being eccentric and random, but you will also clearly be authentic and original which most people value dearly. And if people won't tolerate it, then they are really not worth it.