A rant against polyamory

[Lyubov]

1 hour ago, Lila9 said:

Russian women many times act like doormats in relationships with men. I say it as a woman from this culture. Being a doormat doesn't represent healthy femininity for me, but a distorted patriarchal form of femininity which I loathe. I always hated this about Russian culture, Russian men are usually weak, sexist and lazy, I've seen this tendency to please them in my mom and other women in my familiy my entire life. This kind of behavior never made them content, only misrable and sick.

 

1 hour ago, Something Funny said:

Probably just a poor girl with self-esteem issues and traumas either from bad parenting or past relationships, which you are either knowingly or unknowingly exploiting.

Being okay with polyamory is one thig but saying stuff like "I wouldn't be that mad if you cheated on me" and even having a conversation like this in the first place is a 100% giveaway, lol.

I wouldn't be surprised if she just would act casually about it while hurting on the inside and dreaming that you would fully commit to her one day.

 

I don’t think either of you are totally off. There is some truth to what both you said about Russian women and my gf. She does have low self esteem and past traumas. I’m doing what I can to help her boost it, but I can’t magically “heal” her. She also wants me to fully commit but I’ve stated it clearly to her I’m not interested in planning out my future with her and don’t want one relationship for the rest of my life. For the record I’ve never cheated on her and I don’t want to live a double life like that. I think it is more a patriarchy style type of relationship I have and Russian women have in general, and I could be exploiting her in some ways (I believe she is doing the same to me as well) but I don’t know any sort of alternative to this. I don’t yet have the life experience like that to choose some ideal relationship free of beliefs that are embroiled a lot with what society has laid out. The only alternatives being sold to me now are stage green feminism relationships which look utterly dreadful. I don’t want to date a woman with a manly vibe to her and I might as well turn in my balls if I’m going to date how I see them do in New York. I believe this alternative ruins the passion. I would like to hear about some alternatives and your thoughts on this because I want to be with someone who is arousing and passionate for me and I feel like a man around (my beliefs of what a man is, maybe could use some working on) and when I’ve tried on beliefs to do with stage green relationships it basically kills all, what we can call “old school” sexual tension of being with a feminine woman. 

[Lyubov]

2 hours ago, Something Funny said:

@Lyubov it's your life so do what you feel like doing. Honestly speaking, from my perspective, it seems that you are doing some bullshit, and I wouldn't want to live like that, but that's just me.

I also don't really get why you are trying to complicate relationships so much and bring politics into it. My personal plan so far is more or less like that:

- find a girl who you are genuinely attracted to and who is genuinely attracted to you

- make sure that you are compatible when it comes to your consciousness levels, morals, worldviews, lifestyles, goals, etc.

- keep calm, build a nice loving relationship, and enjoy life

Simple

 

I don’t believe what I’m doing is bullshit but I do have my beliefs, double standards and preferences and I am working towards having a more truthful relationship with less self bias to it. It’s not so simple I believe at first but it definitely is something I can work on. There are a number of choices I’m making that I am working to become conscious of, reevaluate and change. 
 

I am complicating the relationship (so is she) but I’ve found that happens when people haven’t worked through all their beliefs. Relationships can be very messy and complicated sometimes when people want different things, double standards, or pasts, beliefs, we even bring what society says what a relationship should be into it as well. I won’t try and say I’m above that and I have the most conscious relationship where neither of us are creating negative emotions out of thinking we aren’t worthy of love. 

comparability is interesting because I think this can change over time and sometimes it takes time to real come to the conclusion neither person is compatible. At that point both people can be very intertwined and ending the relationship and starting over can  challenging. I don’t think it’s possible to just have one or two relationships and then just magically find the perfect person, maybe it happens for some and not all. We need to make mistakes and learn from them to relate to people better and be right within ourselves to maintain these healthy relationships.

 

probably 90% ofwhat I originally wrote just comes from the belief  that I don’t want to get married yet and still want to date around while she is ready to have a man fully commit to her, but I don’t want to fully commit right now at this stage in my life. 

Edited January 6, 2023 by Lyubov