Self-realization: home vs a monastery

[Cathal]

TLDR: If you've only ever practiced alone in your house, try going to a monastery/wat for at least a month (or what is most relevant to you, eg. ashram) to practice it's a pretty big boost to insight and experience across a whole lot of dynamics of Self-realization, mainly I've come to realize the reason spiritual progress is so wonky is sila, being stuck in unwholesome social conditions, this is fundamental especially for users who rely on using drugs to feel free in social environments so i thought i'd post here. 

"I like it but I don't crave it

I dislike it but I don't avoid it

this I is one who is free"

Here is what I came to see after 3 months inside a Monastery. Enjoy.

After about a year of practice alone like a hermit in my studio apartment I remember at a time where it started to sink in that I couldn't go on this journey alone and it became obvious I needed real guidance, community, like-minded people/other spiritual seekers to talk to and share with and I knew early on this was way more important than pushing longer hours or some other delusional idea. I grabbed a backpack and took a bus from Scotland directly to London, and found myself being accommodated for 3 months in Amavarati, a forest Thai wat in the tradition of Ajahn Chah located in Hertfordshire. I knew nothing of this place, carrying only the advice of an online Dhamma teacher, Dhammarato who visited it almost 30 years ago, my heart wavered a bit to discouragement but I had a lot of trust in him, so here I am writing this 3 months later.

Some insight and story being there:

The most no-brainer and important thing here that i've come to realize being at a wat, being around people who really practice sila is that without a good foundation of sila (morality) I was endlessly going to be disturbed by my socially paranoid monkey mind each time I entered any social setting. Sometimes it feels like I really haven't left high school here, sometimes it feels like I'm still an angry child blaming my family for everything and the need to project that pain or shut my mouth and remain miserable, put on a big persona to fit in, it's kind of wild to see how much judgment and criticism resides inside of you on the level of just feeling when you begin to let go of the story constructs around them, it's just a simple i like and i don't like this person - for what reason?! it was obvious how important this was, it was fundamental.

A lot of the time being alone and online, that didn't seem to really ever rise to the surface so I concluded sometimes I had ‘detached’ and let go of a lot things over the years, I always this barrier of safety and cocoon with online communication (forum's, servers, video chat etc...) . I never really understood how defiled my mind was, how being around others kept triggering the same old patterns that I didn't even know still existed, the same hateful, sad, jealous, conceitful, validation needing character just came and came and came and I was vulnerable, and it's being vulnerable that I was confronted by layers upon layers of these many characters popping into conscious laying inside of your unconscious, and in my unskillful ways found very difficult to dis-identify with.

Actually living with 30-40 fairly like-minded people with whom I talked with, eat with, practiced with and shared with proved to me in order for me to understand how I am conditioned, I have to confront it, people are really just reflections of your own delusions for the most part, lighting up all the old dark corners, the basement left for 10-20 year it all comes out. I had both the constant cycle of guest's coming and going to long term lay-residents, to practitioners to see these 'personalities' pop into conscious for a visit

And in an environment catered to spiritual development you begin to see how much you just get played by your environment, that you simply are a product of your environment - that you are basically a slave to the cultural conditioning you’re brought up in. Amavarati is a really well constructed place and it will force the devil up onto you that simply wants to be lavish in selfish desire, “Huh?! Washing dishing every morning, I came here to do my meditation!” I found that a very important thing to see in my face.

Being here 3 months or so, I've gotten to see the many layers o f desire in which I habitually escaped into to avoid feeling of all those things, so it felt like they're just always there on play in the backround lurking on me from the darkness of the subconscious waiting to strike in moments of weakness. I really struggled here, I was torn between two worlds, when you put a stop to desire you really see it does run the show like I was being pulled by two strong horses opposite ways and I was going to rip apart. I began to crave material things like never before, despite being so dissatisfied my mind made resorting to old habits making the simplest things appear like crack candy, now I see for most of my life, I was just a hungry ghost more or less.

I was to prone to my own bullshit and I equate it like trying to see the outside of the very box you're trapped in, the misguided 'I/me/mine/self' maker, the ego - defilements, delusion, which again it became obvious the more I practiced I needed some outside eyes to help me see what I was unable too, it wasn't so much even asking for someone to point a finger or fix my problems but putting myself in choiceless situations where, the choice of bullshitting myself no longer existed and I had just to follow the steps without crying about what I did or didn't like. In Amavarati, there are about 40 overall monks and nuns and the abbot (Ajahn Amaro) who himself would be sitting in the sala in the morning and the meditation hall right after the meal everyday where you can talk openly about whatever you want. I cannot stress how even a 5 minute conversation and drastically flip your perception and views on things that may have been driving you insane for years. The actual wisdom and experience of these people was undeniably invaluable.

Being fairly involved with various online communities, forums, weekly video chat calls, talking to online teachers and so - on I began to notice on one hand, this was nice. I enjoyed it quite a bit, I felt a sense of having people to practice with, to share my struggles and inspirations with, guidance and to gain more insight - having the internet means unlimited access to whatever Dhamma I so needed, but relying entirely on me and the internet proved to be not what I really needed.

Intuitively I knew I was very stagnant, not truly pushing myself, half asleep in the dullness of practice, settling with going through the motions of my 1 hour bell timer, not truly here with the here and now because whenever things got hard I had a mountain of distractions, whenever I had a very unpleasant mind state such as anger, boredom, dissatisfaction the gross and subtle layers of self-deception took over and to emphasis - Ah social media! Ah video games! Ah another podcast! Another new teacher to learn about! Another book! Another movie! anything but the long drawn out days of practice without the sensual experience here at the wat. It's really not so hard to fulfill yourself with desire and practice than practice and practice then practice some more. It's really here I got a taste of beginning to push up against those barriers, days where you actually have nothing to turn to, it can be really intense I must say.

And speaking for myself, I knew deep down this was not going to work. I could not just sit at home and make real progression on this path surrounded by all of this seduction I was constantly being lost in and more aligned with being free and more content. To confront myself, I needed to get away from it for a while. I have a deep sense that it is better to practice away from these things for a little while, the next time you handle them they will likely less swallow up your less developed mind - that was my logic to it and so far returning back, it has been totally true. Even so, I found myself many days drinking a lot more tea, adding another few spoons of sugar, finding another new book to distract me, oh god anything to distract me... But slowly you get this feeling of drifting towards content with what is, a few minutes later  you might find a dissatisfied mind seeking an object to plunge and penetrate itself into, but you again return to that contentment knowing it's really not a big deal. But at least in my case, those emotions can be really overwhelming, it's that 'this is too much' feeling and 'I need a break' voice appears.

I really needed a nursery, a mind training school, a re-conditioning center... That's really all this wat was in a nutshell, it is simply a re-conditioning center.

The people really rub off on you and it lasts, it stays, it is like seeing another version of yourself who is a bit more awake than you and equally show you what not to do, those grumpy monks uninterested in the Dhamma or the strange ones preaching to you and so on, there is so much to see, so much insight into the human character. And a note on seeing dana (offering of almsfood) was a kind of eye-opener to the prospect of sharing. Each day a large buffet of offered food was there for me, nothing asked for in return, I would walk past the dana table almost daily and see quantities of food keeping the community running. It's really that quality of sharing and giving, non-attachment, merit and acts of virtuous that touch you and make you remember how good and pure it feels to just give. How funny it is, that you feel so much more free.

I really feel like there is no bulls*** here, it's just a real quality Dhamma centre that I don't think anyone can't benefit to a degree from. Whether you want to remain in total silence and practice day in and out or have a chat with spiritual companions and an adventure across some english countryside, it’s really an easy going all-inclusive kind of place that allows everyone to come by and test the waters a bit of really simple living.

 

Edited November 15, 2022 by catcat69123
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[Moksha]

Thanks for sharing your experience. 🙏The enlightenment journey is about learning to let go of the mind's attachments, and thrive in the spaciousness that is who you actually are. I can see how living in a monastery where many of these temptations are absent may be beneficial, especially if you are able to sustain the serenity of presence after returning to the phenomenal world.

[Raptorsin7]

@catcat69123 So have you returned back to your life or are you planning on staying longer?

What is your next step? Are you concerned that by returning home you will slip back into the same unhealthy patterns of mind and lose the momentum?

And what is the process by which you can apply to stay there?

I'm from Canada, but currently travelling in Europe, and that sounds like something that I'd be interested in.

[Cathal]

@Raptorsin7 My next step is to remain watching this present moment unfold haha. 

I've been at home for a week. It wasn't a concern I just accepted it was going to be a real test to continue to renunciate and practice under unwholesome conditions, it's a struggle in one way but man am I grounded. The one thing I miss is being surrounded by other people practicing, that's the real issue. There is a good reason the triple jewel is such a big deal in Buddhism, to find and be and practice with our spiritual friends is really truly as important as the practice itself.

The logic was to spend some time away from these sensual things that generally consume and own us to better train the mind to not let them cause us unbalance and suffering. And I am super glad for myself I did that and highly recommend to give it a go.

Really cool man when are you gonna be in europe? you can apply anytime you want except during the upcoming winter retreats (in the forest thai traditition) - I recommend either Chithurst (near the scottish border) or Amavarati (near London) if you're in the UK.

Just apply via the websites, you can stay for up to 3 months at a year. There is nothing to pay for.

[Raptorsin7]

@catcat69123 I am in Europe now for at least another month. So these places will not be open to me while I'm in Europe?

Ideally I would go there in mid December, if not then there is an ashram in Canada that offers long term intensive retreats. 

I did a 10 day vipassana retreat a few months ago, and there I felt genuine purging and healing. But I reverted back to my old habits and addictions almost immediately and since then I lost the feeling of healing I felt after/during my retreat 

[Cathal]

@Raptorsin7 Go ahead then, you can travel down for a day or a few weeks in December if you'd like. Winter retreat won't begin until early Jan.

Well, those 10 day retreats are not really going to change lifelong habits my friend tis quite a journey to tame ourselves haha

[Raptorsin7]

@catcat69123 Okay sweet this aligns well with my schedule. I could spend like 2 weeks there in December.

Yeah i get you, I'm committed to do what's necessary to heal and tame myself.