"intimacy"

[Judy2]

i'm in an oddly good mood today. almost happy. 

it's beyond me how my mood keeps swinging from one extreme to the other and right back, but maybe i shouldn't question that and just let myself be happy. :). for God's sake, just this one time. 

[Judy2]

....these past few days, i've finally brought up the courage to book my summer holiday....i'm going to England and Scotland, and i've started looking forward to it immensely.

originally, i had thought that i would go only as far up north as Edinburgh, but then i realised the Highlands are even further north. hadn't booked my flight back anyway, and in an impulsive moment i decided that i should travel as far as Inverness.

scary, and this feels very wrong and impulsive, but i'm also really excited now.

i wrote a paper about a Scottish novel (Sunset Song) a couple of years ago, and now i've had this idea that i could go to Aberdeen, too, and see the villages where the novel is set. 

[Judy2]

13 hours ago, Judy2 said:

....these past few days, i've finally brought up the courage to book my summer holiday....i'm going to England and Scotland, and i've started looking forward to it immensely.

originally, i had thought that i would go only as far up north as Edinburgh, but then i realised the Highlands are even further north. hadn't booked my flight back anyway, and in an impulsive moment i decided that i should travel as far as Inverness.

scary, and this feels very wrong and impulsive, but i'm also really excited now.

really looking forward to it now!

[Yimpa]

Just now, Judy2 said:

really looking forward to it now!

yay!!! 

[Schizophonia]

14 hours ago, Judy2 said:

....these past few days, i've finally brought up the courage to book my summer holiday....i'm going to England and Scotland, and i've started looking forward to it immensely.

originally, i had thought that i would go only as far up north as Edinburgh, but then i realised the Highlands are even further north. hadn't booked my flight back anyway, and in an impulsive moment i decided that i should travel as far as Inverness.

scary, and this feels very wrong and impulsive, but i'm also really excited now.

i wrote a paper about a Scottish novel (Sunset Song) a couple of years ago, and now i've had this idea that i could go to Aberdeen, too, and see the villages where the novel is set. 

Why UK 

[Judy2]

8 hours ago, Yimpa said:

yay!!! 

(:

Edited June 3 by Judy2

[Judy2]

8 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

Why UK 

i could also sit at home all day and be miserable.

Italy would have been an option, too, but my Italian got a bit rusty and i'd like to take a class to get back into it before i book a trip there.

in the UK, i can speak English, i know my way around London, but i've never travelled further up north, even though the Lake District and Scotland are on my personal bucket list. there's nature and beautiful architecture all over the country and, depending on where you go, the ocean.

this is also the reward trip i had promised myself to go on for finishing my undergraduate degree, since that was quite hard for me mentally.....and i need to get out for a while and explore. i think that will be good for my mind.

besides, i live close to an airport now, so i'm primed to want to pollute the environment every time i look up at the sky.

Edited June 3 by Judy2

[Schizophonia]

4 hours ago, Judy2 said:

i could also sit at home all day and be miserable.

Italy would have been an option, too, but my Italian got a bit rusty and i'd like to take a class to get back into it before i book a trip there.

in the UK, i can speak English, i know my way around London, but i've never travelled further up north, even though the Lake District and Scotland are on my personal bucket list. there's nature and beautiful architecture all over the country and, depending on where you go, the ocean.

this is also the reward trip i had promised myself to go on for finishing my undergraduate degree, since that was quite hard for me mentally.....and i need to get out for a while and explore. i think that will be good for my mind.

besides, i live close to an airport now, so i'm primed to want to pollute the environment every time i look up at the sky.

Oki

[Judy2]

sessions with my therapist are just so weird. i can't tell if it's because he does a good job, better than therapists i've had before, or if it's simply weird and not necessarily good.

at the beginning of every session, he asks what my wishes or goals are. we pick a topic, and then he ask three or four times as we talk what it's like for me to talk about a certain topic, and urges me to give a name to the emotion. usually there is no emotion other than amusement and smiles, and i try really hard to give a proper answer but all that ever comes to mind is "it's fine". then we just circle around different topics and he asks a lot about how certain things connect to my past, and basically it's always the same questions on repeat...and it all just feels so fake to talk things through? like so unnecessary, and it doesn't do much other than make me feel super awkward giving interviews about myself that don't do anything. i hate talking about myself in that kind of setting, it feels so wrong. i feel so stupid trying to play along with that game and just speak about random associations forming in my head, and most of the time i don't feel anything anyway. we've never once come up with a solution, either. it's simply such an odd game when he pretends to care and i answer mechanically, but he doesn't actually care and only says all those things because he thinks they'll shift something inside me, which they usually don't.

Edited June 3 by Judy2

[Judy2]

my neighbour's stomping woke me up last night, and it's just super triggering overall.

makes me feel so trapped.

people say i should relax more, but i don't know how i possibly could. i can't wear headphones 24/7.

i could move to a new place, but that's not so easy to find, and it's not guaranteed that it will be any better there.

i try to be reasonable and stop playing victim, but it's usually not working out. and then the despair just grows all the more.

[Judy2]

i've made the switch again from feeling stressed to feeling utterly, utterly bored and empty. 

and kind of disappointed because will this stupid cycle ever end?

last time this happened, i put up a list on my wall to see what activities i can do when i feel this way. nothing, none of it, seems even slightly appealing now. 

i would like to resolve this, but i do not know how. 

weekends really aren't good for me, as much as i want to get there during the week. i am so much better off when i have at least one appointment or two to fill my schedule each day. 

[Judy2]

(video in German)

 

i've been learning more about developmental attachment trauma and it's been a very helpful perspective to make sense of people's behaviour and suffering - maybe other people's even more so than my own. 

the above is just one piece of the puzzle for me, and all in all everything still seems very confusing since i can identify antagonistic strands in my psyche (undereating and emotional eating; anxious (=clingy) and avoidant attachment,...), but understanding some of this helps me feel more hopeful. 

i like that Gopal touches on the fact that 'treatment contracts' ("you have to gain x amount in 1 week", "you have to eat 10 cashew nuts and one apple this afternoon", "you may only go to the clinic school once you have reached 40kg",....) are so backwards with anorexic patients...which is something i've had to experience myself. practitioners (and my parents) never wanted to understand how these contracts only made things so much worse for me. 

 

the past few videos about specific ed-symptoms and how to communicate urges had me thinking that maybe i could also resolve SH-urges by communicating them more clearly - but idk how to find a socially acceptable way to go about that. 

anyway, like i said, overall this is making me feel more hopeful that i may be able to resolve some issues in my life moving forward, and also interact with others by seeing through their patterns. i ordered the book and will read it after my exams in July. 

this perspective also has me considering for the first time that developing secure attachment would be a valid goal? normally, i am quite identified with being ill and it's more about "do i wanna be the kind of ill where i'm clingy or avoidant?", "do i wanna be the kind of ill where i'm underweight, or would it be okay to be ill and just have panic attacks instead?", "i miss my dissociative episodes" (still do, though), "i don't think i can't quite let go of SH yet, i like it a little too much whenever i look at my left forearm and think about how this would be obvious to certain groups of people who interact with me"....

 

considering this new lens, i am also still a little bit ashamed of this journal's title. i remember that when choosing it, it felt like i was doing a good thing by giving myself permission associating my name with such a "whole", beautiful concept. oh well. can't change it any more, so i'll keep it for now. 

Edited June 14 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i don't think i've ever been this busy in my life. it's stressful at times, but at this point i'm rolling with it and decided that maybe the energy can help carry me forward and be okay with all the things going on simultaneously these days.

summer break will be a shock for me....i'll feel so bored and lost when missing the luxury of the very, very neat containment my schedule forces me into atm.

i try to prioritise going on walks or cycling in between everything, and this morning on my walk, i almost thought i was happy. which is paradoxical, during such a busy, stressful phase. but maybe that's exactly what i needed? 

[Judy2]

last weekend, i had a block seminar (the best one yet?) that was quite an experience.

the instructor was really nice, we talked about therapeutic practices (without the pressure of needing to write homework or exams on it, which made it so much more fun and interesting) and also did some therapy role plays (very difficult, not nearly as easy as you would think it is).

i almost felt happy that day, to be honest.

we were in a different part of town i had never been to before, where the university hospital is, and i really liked the aesthetic of the buildings, the little garden space and fountain, the sunny weather.

it was a huge, scary shift for me to suddenly start talking DBT (eds, bpd) from a therapist's perspective when last year around the same time, i was a DBT patient myself and struggling through the depths of it. 

it's crazy to realise that therapy is, in fact, not random, that therapists seem to have considered at least some of the conflicts patients are in beforehand (it always felt far from that whenever therapy was forced upon me or even when i tried to make it work for myself....). although i guess as a patient, there is also a deep (unconscious) sense of comfort and pride in "not being understood", as painful as it is? ... 

[Judy2]

while i'm at it, i may as well share a little anecdote that i was reminded of during the seminar before i forget it again.

when i was an inpatient (15 years old), at one point i didn't want any dairy on my meal plan and the treatment team got upset about it. my assigned therapist thought it was a good idea to tell me a story about cows and make me touch milk with my fingers (which she later drank?) in the spirit of "exposure therapy". ....it's a funny story because this therapist clearly got her methods mixed up and that was so obviously not the right approach when she was dealing with someone who's got an ed, not a phobia or anything, and besides that, my wanting to avoid milk was more about veganism at the time. 

[Judy2]

14 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

it's crazy to realise that therapy is, in fact, not random, that therapists seem to have considered at least some of the conflicts patients are in beforehand (it always felt far from that whenever therapy was forced upon me or even when i tried to make it work for myself....).

or maybe i did have bad therapists as a minor...therapists that thought it was their job to convince me of their beliefs rather than be a neutral party to help me process and acknowledge everything going on in my own system. if anything, there was probably a lot of gaslighting on their part when i was in hospital; a lot of blaming, too.

none of them ever stopped to ask "why do you NEED anorexia?". none of them ever cared to look at our family dynamics or tell my parents that they weren't so innocent, either....it was all just to be blamed on me and my symptoms....and no one cared to ask why i needed my ed. they were all so keen on treating symptoms and never cared about how i felt. no one understood or cared about the fact that they could send me back home and OF COURSE i would relapse in that environment, because what choice did i have, as a sixteen-year-old trapped in a dysfunctional family?....

 

or in short, no, not all therapists have thought about their patients' povs and inner conflicts in depth. 

[Judy2]

19 hours ago, Judy2 said:

i almost felt happy that day

that seems so far away again. 

i am not  happy. 

there is so much sensory overload with all the public transport i have to use almost every day, and i still hear so many noises in my flat, which shouldn't be that way, but it's messing with my sleep and generally making me feel so anxious. 

i also keep seeing those Instagram posts by my former classmate's younger sister. she's a year younger and got all those modelling contracts. i feel so behind in life, IT'S NOT ENOUGH, I'M NOT ENOUGH, aaaaah.... 

i hate myself. 

[Judy2]

things feel very intense around here and there's a lot going on.

i'm doing good for the most part, but i can tell there's A LOT working inside me - negative and positive. which is good, i think?, but still.

there are a million thoughts in my head, but two things i'd like to share:

yesterday on my evening walk, i had a random thought pop up again. it was more of a daydream, the kind i've had in the days and weeks prior, too, and probably going years and decades back, as well. essentially, i was thinking happy thoughts about things i would like to happen, and then suddenly my brain drifted toward catastrophising, but not in a fearful, "oh god, that would be so horrible..."- kind of way....it felt so oddly satisfying to think about experiencing some death in the family or something like that. drama. tragedy. some reason to have a meltdown, a panic attack, a mental crisis. somehow i find that appealing, after all this time. find myself craving that, even when i'm well. ...idk, it's just such an odd pattern that it had me thinking for a while.

the other thing i wanted to mention is that i recently remembered something that i had forgotten for a while. it was about what it felt like in my anorexic, critically underweight body....and a very particular feeling or impression linked to the memory of my veins popping through the skin on my arms because they were so tiny, and sometimes when i was cold, i'd run hot water over my wrists to warm me up. i felt so paper-thin and like everything could seep right through me, the warmth would permeate me within seconds....it was very intense when i was there, in that body (i liked that, it was interesting to experience such physical extremes), and i'd forgotten this particular sensation. remembering it after all this time is also intense and confusing. i bet i was also confused, dazed, overwhelmed beyond words when i was "in it". that was the thrill of it to be exact. to come home from my long walk, exhausted, and body-check in the mirror, take pictires of myself, and write in my journal about the way my body felt, and how good and special that was. how HIGH i was. 

in general, i feel a whole lot of ambivalence these days. i feel about this topic very strongly. my brain says people probably think i should shut up about this at some point, and it's been years, but still, some very formative years so central to my identity were spent thinking that anorexia was all i was and all i'd ever want to be. i don't even know how to put all of that into words, but i guess it's a relief to be able to express that this has been on my mind a lot lately, and it's been making me feel deep thoughts and feelings.

it's still such a struggle to know who i am outside of anorexia, even though being underweight was an experience confined to my teenage years for the most part, despite the physical extremes i lived through.

nobody would think i feel this way, but i still feel sad. i don't think i'm sad that i was anorexic, i kind of loved it....but i feel sad seeing how hard it is to know myself without it, to have a whole "healthy" life ahead of me. no one would think this would make me sad, but it does. and it makes it harder that this is such a silent struggle now that i look healthy and no one would think i've ever been close to starving to death. it's such a challenge to try and have good self-worth and feel content when i've known something as profound, intense, deep, low, high, perfect and special as anorexia. i feel like no matter what i do as a healthy self, i'll never live up to having survived something as deep and beautiful as that. 

this feels vulnerable, but i'm glad to express this. my head thinks that people will think this is so unimportant, and i think it's very important.

♡

Edited 6 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

i spontaneously communicated my sadness to a friend, which felt foreign, but it was helpful and i think it was the right (albeit counterintuitive, unfamiliar) thing to do. before, i'd assumed i had to keep all this to myself, and it felt good to be proven wrong, be met with understanding and be shown that i am allowed to share this♡ 

i am allowed to talk about having survived some things.

i am allowed to show my emotions and express that it's still a struggle now. 

i feel softer being present with myself and being open enough to show and express my emotions. 

if anything, my sadness feels kind of "cute", and i want to be seen with it. i do want it to be heard. that's all.

♡

Edited 5 hours ago by Judy2