"intimacy"

[Judy2]

i've been wanting to give an update this week to reflect on my recent habits and activities, as well as potential links to future career choices. but tbh i've been procrastinating a lot on this, whether i try to write it for the forum journal or just for myself. i guess there's always this huge expectation kicking in to do it perfectly and to highlight all facets.... and then it goes deeper than i feel comfortable reflecting, and it gets complicated when i try to consider all sides of things....

anyway... now i thought i just wanna note the following...

for context, i spent the day teaching two online classes and this wasn't really enjoyable for me as students hardly participate. to cool down and get in some daily movement, i went for a ride on my bike while listening to my favourite podcast.

now i'm back home baking granola for my parents. basically, the line that popped up again was "i feel like i can do magic when...". i feel like i can do magic when i create beautiful dishes and prepare healthy meals for other people.

i had the same phrase on my mind earlier this week when i tidied up my parents' stuff and thought: "look, i can do magic, this looks so much better already".

and i'm noting this down not to show off, but because it's such an important indicator for me personally that i should take more seriously: what activities make me feel like i can do magic?

and i guess there've been a couple that have been making me feel good - magical - like playing the piano every day...but i don't think i'll become a professional pianist any time soon.

with cooking, baking, knowledge about nutrition, and organisation skills i'm not so sure about dismissing them. i wouldn't mind being some kind of household manager - if you signed me up tomorrow that could be my dream life - although i have yet to encounter a job advert like that. 

...it's a weird phase to be in these days, to re-think my future job from scratch and go through all of my options. there seem to be a lot more than it thought, and i haven't really decided yet. 

i could be a fitness instructor, even a personal trainer, a dietitian, counsellor/psychotherapist, cook-book author (don't really see myself as some kind of influencer though...that sounds like a lot of anxiety for me), and on and on. i hope i'll figure this out.

Edited 2 hours ago by Judy2

[Judy2]

being some kind of househod manager (or basically a housewife with her own salary) seems very Zen.

it seems like i wouldn't have to worry anymore about exams and deadlines, or anything complicated and "important" like that.

i'd just live life with the same chores, be creative, love my chores, and feel safe. nothing else to achieve. no pressure. 

just day to day existence with no long-term objective that i could fail at. without the weight of the world on my shoulders.

... the only caveat is that i don't know where to find permanent employment like that (with a good enough salary).

 

or maybe i should be a nun. that sounds chill, too....basically eliminates all temptations to stress about material identities...but then do the monks and nuns of this world really master detachment, if the only way to cope with all the charge of modern society is to remove themselves from it entirely? ...besides, being a nun isn't really my vibe and i'm not religious. ...simply considered the lifestyle for a bit.