"intimacy"

[Schizophonia]

18 hours ago, Judy2 said:

thank you:)

You are nice

[Judy2]

@Schizophonia so are you:)

[Judy2]

had a really long, exhausting day, and now i am feeling a bit unsafe. 

i spent the day at the library and met a friend in the afternoon, and only came back home just now.

feeling exhausted but the logic of this was that i want to avoid dad when he's home on the weekends. we still interacted a lot because he tried to give feedback for my thesis - but somehow that is hella stressful in and of itself. 

anyway, so i'm feeling unsafe now. 

given that this is not an unusual experience for me, i'm trying to tell myself that there's nothing i did wrong, and that it's okay to be "free" and be "alive" (and eat and choose not to restrict) even if life continues to feel scary and chaotic.

but i do feel unsafe. 

it's just that i always feel unsafe, i also feel this way in my apartment when i'm avoiding all of life and all social interaction.

so it's okay. it's okay if i'm feeling unsafe now, it doesn't mean that i did something wrong - that's an illusion.

but i am a bit stressed out because all of this is pretty exhausting. the combination of dad + thesis + emotional triggers + body image/food as the ongoing background discussion. it really is triggering, it really leaves me feeling scared!!!

trying not to let myself be shaken by this. 

i feel unsafe

but i didn't do anything wrong, 

i am doing a good job trying to live life despite how scary and chaotic it feels. 

(ah!) 

...scary. stressed.

[Schizophonia]

6 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

@Schizophonia so are you:)

 

[Judy2]

...feeling quite overwhelmed cause there's SO MUCH going on all at once, and i cannot even put it all into words here (which would help me cope; to simply interpret and theorise it all). so once again me just being is beyond interpretations and thoughts, which also just are. 

it's still so scary. that's like the simplest way to describe all that's going on. 

i am scared, i feel unsafe, it's all so much. 

[Judy2]

feeling scared, unsafe, triggered

[Judy2]

i'd like to ignore this and just push through with all the exposure therapy until the emotions stop...but i suppose this is not the way. 

so... not ignoring this:

a) i'm triggered because of the thesis, because it's scary and i don't know if i'll manage okay

b) i'm triggered because of dad and his idiosyncrasies 

c) i'm triggered because dad is getting involved in my thesis work without appreciating the degree to which this is stressful to me, and acting super chill about it, and that ACHES and makes me feel super stressed and triggered and hurt, and he doesn't even want to believe it and it brings up so so much emotion and i feel hurt and i don't want him to get so close to me....because now that he's involved, i have to think about him and our emotional conflicts more than i like throughout the day, which leaves me feeling stressed and incredibly vulnerable! (stress level close to 70%...so if i think about it too much it quickly explodes and i want to be impulsive and hurt myself). 

so maybe the right thing, after all, is to try and re-establish some sense of distance and security again. have more me-time and leave him out of it. 

cause it's stressing me out to be thinking all day how he's trying to get involved in something that is SO emotional to me, without appreciating the degree to which it is emotional and stressful to me in the slightest. 

ugh. 

[Judy2]

i feel very selfish around my parents. 

because i tell them to respect my feelings more, and to take me seriously. and whenever i still feel bad after an interaction, because i remember something invalidating that they said...i take that emotion and send them lots of texts to clarify and express. i suppose i do so in an unfriendly manner...could work on that, although right now i am probably not willing to be friendlier yet. right now it's already a big deal that i talk, instead of hurting myself. 

but it still feels kinda wrong and maybe i am just being brutal and unfriendly with my parents. 

it's just that i figured i gotta do something and no longer let people gaslight me. so whatever i feel is valid, and i'll let them know. 

and if they tell me "don't stress about it" and "what do you mean, chaos?" - i'll say "for me, in my world, in my reality, in my perception, the chaos and the stress are real." they can't take that away from me. 

(probably goes back to a time in childhood when they were fighting a lot and still pretended like everything was fine, and i had to hide my fear and insecurity concerning all that? not sure. i don't remember any other situation where this could have come from, but maybe there's something else that explains this.) 

[Judy2]

...more or less having a good day so far, although there's still some underlying anxiety in my system.

i'm guessing it has something to do with a bit of uncertainty/confusion concerning my body image and where i'm generally at. sometimes it's difficult to know/be sure if things are alright...for example individual perceptions of different parts of my body where i'm not sure yet if this is good/bad, if this is lean or too much.

my face today confuses me....if it looks good and slim, or if it's borderline too much and about to escalate real bad.

but i suppose the thing is that there are so many different perceptions all day long...food, my body, different body parts, different emotions, different surroundings...it's all a bit much still, so of course there's anxiety. 

[Judy2]

...i think i need to get in the habit of watching trash tv or something...just to have a hobby that's deliberately useless, otherwise i'm just so stressed out trying to be productive 24/7... cause even socialising or going outside or meditating is done with the incentive of improving myself or "trying to get somewhere" other than right here.

it's a bit paradoxical, trying to reconcile those two...difficult to strike the right balance between doing things that are good for me in the long term, and doing them just to feel good in the present moment. ideally, a thing will accomplish both, and maybe it even does...for example cycling today or running on the treadmill yesterday felt good, even in that moment. but there's still a sneaky thing going on with my mindset that is causing unnecessary stress with this.

it's stressful, always trying to get somewhere. i don't need to get anywhere. but my head won't always believe it, so i keep feeling stressed, scared, anxious.

[Judy2]

..in part this is also because i believe that working on myself and learning to do things differently is supposed to be emotionally difficult and exhausting. it is, but at the same time it's also "just being present with myself"...and there shouldn't be anything difficult about that, about fully being with my emotions. but then, it is also true that learning to do things differently than before requires more mental energy and conscious effort, because there are so many pitfalls i need to navigate my way around.

also, i got angry just now, thinking how mum tells me to just relax. it invalidates this whole emotional struggle, and i dislike that. it makes me hurt, to feel misunderstood in this regard. to think that she thinks she understands, when she doesn't even remotely see any of it.

[Judy2]

i feel frustrated with the fact that i don't know how to make myself relax.

even if i plan on doing certain things simply for the sake of relaxation, they tend to stress me out a lot.

[Judy2]

feeling frustrated with the fact that i don't know how to regulate my stress levels. upset, angry....

the higher, loving self says it's even okay to be where i'm at. 

and it's okay that i don't know that, and that i don't have it all figured out yet, and that i'm still scared and stressed sometimes.

- i'm finding that hard to accept, but i guess i don't have much choice in that; it is what it is. 

[Judy2]

i have a very odd relationship with taking breaks. it frustrates me so much that i can't stop thinking about it right now. 

maybe i've also had too much caffeine today - i don't even notice anymore. i have the caffeine because i think it helps me be productive. 

 

it's good to be busy so that i have some structure to my day and know when to eat and when not to eat, but then psychologically that does this thing where i don't know how to legitimise having breaks unless it's for eating? or i genuinely don't know what else to do to help myself relax. i don't know! i'm already doing the walks and the cycling and the exercise...it's not doing anything. 

and food isn't really satisfying, it's not what i truly crave. i crave a break, i crave relaxation - and i'm feeling some desperation now because i have literally no idea how to get that. 

perhaps i should be glad that i figured things out up until this point...that i understand enough to see what's missing. but i still don't know how to manifest this thing that's missing (silence, a break, relaxation, calm, quiet, peace of mind, satisfaction with the present moment).

i'm constantly in a rush...because i'm scared to be fully here. because when i'm fully here there are noisy neighbours or a noisy dad and a messy, chaotic, unaesthetic house. so what choice do i have but to try and run from that, but to distract myself? but to wait until all that is gone, and over, and i can breathe again...whenever that is supposed to happen.

...feeling really stressed and frustrated with myself....ugh. 

[Judy2]

silence, a break, relaxation, calm, quiet, peace of mind, satisfaction with the present moment, feeling grounded, content with what is, at peace

i keep forgetting, but i am smart, so if i feel that i need the above to feel better - i can totally make that happen.  

a few reminders to myself what i can do more often in the following week to feel better:

 

ground myself in my senses:

sight:

- when going about my day, i can try to notice colours in my visual field/make myself look for certain colours

- find nice pictures to look at, for example kittens

- when i'm outside for walks etc. it's nice to look at the sky, the fields, the trees...

- when things are tidied up nicely [difficult, triggering..because Dad.]

 

sound:

- [don't know, sound is triggering]

- music (already doing that)

 

touch/physical sensation: 

- massage ball

- stuffed animals

- take a hot shower

 

smell: 

- essential oils (thought i had some but can't find them anymore)

- nice soap/lotion

- flowers

 

 

self-care:

polish my nails 

daily movement/exercise (already doing that, but i can do it more consciously, feeling my body and knowing that it's good for me, that it is supposed to help my mind relax)

pick out nice outfits

be more mindful and genuine when i write my daily gratitudes...don't just write things down. write them because i feel them to be true. 

 

be more present with myself, in my body, with my emotions.

[Judy2]

i still feel stressed and like something is wrong with me and i'm not good enough and everything is wrong. 

it's difficult not to buy into it...it's such old programming. 

i'm guessing i'm also very anxious that i might just wake up in a week or two and hate myself for having tried to be more kind to myself. 

i'm very distrustful, still. 

i don't believe yet that i'm truly trying to love myself and be strong now...i sort of expect that it's only a matter of time till something messy comes up, something too messy, and i'll fall right back into the old patterns. 

i'm very sceptical. i don't believe that i'm allowed to be nice to myself now, i don't believe that the voice that says "i got you now!" got me yet. 

 

but i got me. 

even now. i'm with myself, and i won't abandon myself. 

...kind of making me emotional now. 

it's still all so much, and i still feel quite alone with this struggle. 

i would appreciate help and support. i deserve help and support, if i feel that i need it. 

 

either way, i got me. 

whatever happens, i got me. 

i reckon that's supposed to be comforting...not sure yet, but perhaps, yes. 

[Judy2]

...i'm feeling stupid again. it feels odd and stupid that mental illness, trying to be mentally healthy, is taking on such a central role for me in life. not sure what else life should consist in, if not a journey towards mastering the self - but regardless, it feels stupid.

i feel stupid for struggling; i feel ugly. 

perhaps there'd be a prettier, more profound way to struggle, still?

cause it's always this beautiful struggle, but i'm the ugly, unworthy character right in the middle of it.

i'm ugly, i'm broken, i'm flawed, i'm not good enough.

everything is wrong with me. 

everything is going wrong, everything is off balance. 

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

...i'm feeling stupid again. it feels odd and stupid that mental illness, trying to be mentally healthy, is taking on such a central role for me in life. not sure what else life should consist in, if not a journey towards mastering the self - but regardless, it feels stupid.

i feel stupid for struggling; i feel ugly. 

perhaps there'd be a prettier, more profound way to struggle, still?

cause it's always this beautiful struggle, but i'm the ugly, unworthy character right in the middle of it.

i'm ugly, i'm broken, i'm flawed, i'm not good enough.

everything is wrong with me. 

everything is going wrong, everything is off balance. 

You look physically good and you're doing a PhD.

[Judy2]

@Schizophonia no i'm not doing a PhD lol. it's just my bachelor's thesis...not as big a deal as i make it sound.

[Schizophonia]

3 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

@Schizophonia no i'm not doing a PhD lol. it's just my bachelor's thesis...not as big a deal as i make it sound.

Oh ok lol, it's the first time i heard about a bachelor's thesis, in which field are you

 

Edited 7 hours ago by Schizophonia