"intimacy"

[Judy2]

...i'm trying to address this one step at a time and try a lot of new things. sooner or later that's gotta pay off somehow.

[Judy2]

...still feeling really upset because of that conversation i had with my mum yesterday. she said all the wrong things in an entirely wrong tone that made everything so much worse for me. (impulse: i'll never ever talk to her again *which i don't mean but the impulse is there, cause i feel hurt). 

 

[Judy2]

@RendHeaven

i've got another question, if you don't mind.
how long should i plan each session at the gym to take? cause there are so many things i want to try that everything ends up taking a lot of time, and i might have been overdoing it this week, wanting to try everything. 
today i felt quite tired and couldn't really do as much as i would have liked to do.
i'm trying to space things out so that i have three workout days a week with rest days inbetween, and then maybe also go swimming on Sundays.

[RendHeaven]

2 hours ago, Judy2 said:

i'm trying to space things out so that i have three workout days a week with rest days inbetween, and then maybe also go swimming on Sundays.

perfect plan

3 hours ago, Judy2 said:

how long should i plan each session at the gym to take?

1 hour-ish

3 hours ago, Judy2 said:

today i felt quite tired

that's great news. means your system is surprised by the new stimulus. We all get kicked in the face when we first start in the gym

Once you fall into a consistent rhythm, you'll stop feeling the fatigue (in fact, you might even gain energy)

[Judy2]

@RendHeaven ok, thanks:)

[Judy2]

@RendHeaven assuming i get enough protein, does it matter if i lean more on the low-carb or low-fat side of the spectrum? or in other words, should i be focussing on carbs or healthy fats? i feel a bit uncertain in that regard. it's probably not good for me to be too restrictive, so a balance of both?

also, bloating has actually been a bit of an issue these past few days. i guess my body doesn't know how to feel satiated without being physically full (tons of protein and fibre), and i wonder if that is best fixed with more complex carbs or healthy fats. my hunger and satiety cues are still a bit messed up because of restriction history, which is bothering me a bit and causing some discomfort.

...let me know if it's too many questions btw:) it's just that you seem knowledgeable in this area.

Edited July 11 by Judy2

[Judy2]

had a thai massage this morning, which was nice:)

[Judy2]

feeling a lot less depressed (and more alive) today, which is nice.

i had thought about not going, but met up with a good friend, her boyfriend, and a friend of hers at a festival in town. it was quite nice just chatting and being present (aware, alive - there was a moment when i felt a bit more aware, looking at a toddler, and all those people around, and the visual impressions....felt quite present, and thought it's nice to be here, be alive...despite everything...). i noticed i was a lot more outgoing, walking almost with a bit of confidence in my posture, despite insecurities. i was also able to relax a bit and let go of the constant worries...which was really nice:) and something i wouldn't have hoped for in some bad moments a few days ago when it all seemed so hopeless. felt almost happy and joyful, for a few seconds here and there.

i'm also trying to believe that people don't care quite as much about my appearance as i tend to think they do. meeting up with this particular friend, at least, i know it doesn't make any difference if i weigh 90lbs or 105 or 120...the connection is the same, fundamentally, and that's good to know. she would hardly treat me any differently based on my weight, and people generally don't care as much as i believe...maybe. from one pov. from the other it still matters so, so, so much...but from one pov it does not matter as much as i think it does.

Edited July 12 by Judy2

[Judy2]

"it's nice to be here"

... seemed to be connected to a certain sense of being grounded in the present, and especially in present visual impressions (external, rather than internal/imaginary/thought-based) ...so, i suppose this is a certain kind of mindfulness. it made me a bit hyper-aware, but in a good way that felt almost spiritual. 

this state reminded me of the stress-management technique of calming down by grounding yourself in your environment...for example by looking for things that are green...then yellow...then pink, blue, and so on. 

 

i'm noting this down because it might help me access this state again later on. feels like this would be helpful and the way to go. 

it felt pleasant, just being present of being here, being aware. alive. it felt unhoped-for, but easy and effortless. clear. it felt good and right. 

[Judy2]

...feels frustrating that i can't seem to find better ways to describe this. 

[RendHeaven]

On 7/12/2025 at 1:33 AM, Judy2 said:

@RendHeaven assuming i get enough protein, does it matter if i lean more on the low-carb or low-fat side of the spectrum? or in other words, should i be focussing on carbs or healthy fats? i feel a bit uncertain in that regard. it's probably not good for me to be too restrictive, so a balance of both?

also, bloating has actually been a bit of an issue these past few days. i guess my body doesn't know how to feel satiated without being physically full (tons of protein and fibre), and i wonder if that is best fixed with more complex carbs or healthy fats. my hunger and satiety cues are still a bit messed up because of restriction history, which is bothering me a bit and causing some discomfort.

...let me know if it's too many questions btw:) it's just that you seem knowledgeable in this area.

Yes, balance. you want all 3 macronutrients in sufficient quantities. 

You will probably need more protein than you think you need, which is usually paired with fat and precious micro nutrients. In that sense, I would rather have you eat more chicken fish or eggs than just eating more bread or pasta

I'm not saying bread and pasta are bad, but just sub-optimal choices relative to protein if your goal is to actually nourish yourself while recomping 

On 7/12/2025 at 1:33 AM, Judy2 said:

also, bloating has actually been a bit of an issue these past few days. i guess my body doesn't know how to feel satiated without being physically full (tons of protein and fibre), and i wonder if that is best fixed with more complex carbs or healthy fats.

This is just such a complex minefield that I won't be able to give a good answer without first knowing your circumstances better.

Anything I say risks making your situation worse rather than better. To get to the root of this, you will have to just do a lot of experimentation on yourself (learn which foods upset your stomach, and which foods sooth your stomach - this is different for everyone)

there is an ED recovery dogma that says that all food is good because you just want to focus on eating and defeating the anorexia demon. This is a good first step, but it's not the final truth.

Once you have a healthier relationship to food, there actually are real distinctions to be drawn with foods that are compatible with your gut VS foods that are NOT compatible. Some foods will actually cause real negative reactions in you. But you have to discover what these are for yourself. And then make sure not to demonize them. You can choose to avoid the incompatible foods out of love for your body while still eating plenty of the compatible foods.

One tip I'll offer is to try virgin coconut oil (in your coffee, smoothies, or to cook your meat and veggies. use it everywhere!).

Very kind to the stomach, and very satiating. clean saturated fat from whole foods sources is extremely underrated for killing cravings and reclaiming control over conscious eating.

On 7/12/2025 at 1:33 AM, Judy2 said:

...let me know if it's too many questions btw:) it's just that you seem knowledgeable in this area.

No problem, I enjoy answering these so fire away. Just be careful not to blindly believe me

Always cross-reference what I'm saying with other sources (AI is surprisingly decent as a fact checker) and listen to your own body

[Judy2]

@RendHeaven thank you, that's very helpful:)

i appreciate you taking the time to answer all of this!

2 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

there is an ED recovery dogma that says that all food is good because you just want to focus on eating and defeating the anorexia demon. This is a good first step, but it's not the final truth.

Once you have a healthier relationship to food, there actually are real distinctions to be drawn with foods that are compatible with your gut VS foods that are NOT compatible. Some foods will actually cause real negative reactions in you. But you have to discover what these are for yourself. And then make sure not to demonize them. You can choose to avoid the incompatible foods out of love for your body while still eating plenty of the compatible foods.

yes, i have come to that conclusion as well:)

2 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

One tip I'll offer is to try virgin coconut oil (in your coffee, smoothies, or to cook your meat and veggies. use it everywhere!).

Very kind to the stomach, and very satiating. clean saturated fat from whole foods sources is extremely underrated for killing cravings and reclaiming control over conscious eating.

...i've heard very conflicting things about coconut oil. there used to be this big hype around it, but then people started saying it's actually not that good for you (i think because of the types of fatty acids...maybe not enough omega 3 or something). apparently, the same applies to avocados.

it's always so confusing who to believe when it comes to nutrition advice.

Edited July 13 by Judy2

[Judy2]

instead of going swimming i went to the gym again with a good friend who knows his way around there, cause he only had time today. he talked me through and showed me an entire full-body workout routine....felt good, i am grateful, and it was helpful to be shown and told what to do... feeling appreciative and hopeful.

[RendHeaven]

6 hours ago, Judy2 said:

...i've heard very conflicting things about coconut oil. there used to be this big hype around it, but then people started saying it's actually not that good for you (i think because of the types of fatty acids...maybe not enough omega 3 or something). apparently, the same applies to avocados.

No, there is nothing wrong with coconut oil on paper. I recommend trying it and asking your body how it feels.

If you feel good, keep going. If you feel worse, drop it

6 hours ago, Judy2 said:

it's always so confusing who to believe when it comes to nutrition advice.

Trust your gut (literally!)

[soos_mite_ah]

11 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

This is just such a complex minefield that I won't be able to give a good answer without first knowing your circumstances better.

I agree. 

11 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

there is an ED recovery dogma that says that all food is good because you just want to focus on eating and defeating the anorexia demon. This is a good first step, but it's not the final truth.

Once you have a healthier relationship to food, there actually are real distinctions to be drawn with foods that are compatible with your gut VS foods that are NOT compatible. Some foods will actually cause real negative reactions in you. But you have to discover what these are for yourself. And then make sure not to demonize them. You can choose to avoid the incompatible foods out of love for your body while still eating plenty of the compatible foods.

I agree with most of this. 

I wouldn't say this is a dogma per se because most intuitive eating dieticians do recognize that healing your relationship with food to where you're not panicking about different kinds of foods and learning to trust your body is a first step but not the only step. Yes, you may stay in that step for a while depending on how bad it is but after that you typically go through a trial and error process of what works for your body and a way to incorporate gentle nutrition for your personal needs. The "all food is good" notion is something that lacks nuance in the sense that it takes the whole intuitive eating / recovery process and condenses it down to a a singular phrase that might not make sense for most people. I think reducing it down to that phrase is kind of a symptom of the effect of short form content and click bait lol. 

9 hours ago, Judy2 said:

it's always so confusing who to believe when it comes to nutrition advice.

I've been there. I also worked with a liscenced and registered dietician and I found that helped me personally in my recovery process immensely, more than therapy or "researching" ways of eating online. If it is possible, I would highly recommend going down this route but I would say pay attention to what qualifications a person has because that can greatly affect the quality of the care that you receive. It really helps having a professional who is specialized in this sort of thing help you weed through the bs that's out there in the world in terms of diet culture and the bs that your brain might be telling you to reinforce unhealthy habits. 

[Judy2]

@RendHeavenokay that sounds reasonable:) thank you!

[Judy2]

@soos_mite_ah hey, thanks for joining the discussion:) yes, that's a good idea, i might even be fortunate enough to get that covered by insurance.

the thing with "intuitive eating" for me is that it leads to constant snacking and a very unclearly defined meal structure, and i feel as though that is not really healthy, either. have you struggled with that, too, and if so, how did you deal with that? 

in general, does any advice come to mind for someone in ed recovery? (both concerning body image and food choices, or really anything else)

[soos_mite_ah]

2 hours ago, Judy2 said:

@soos_mite_ah hey, thanks for joining the discussion:) yes, that's a good idea, i might even be fortunate enough to get that covered by insurance.

the thing with "intuitive eating" for me is that it leads to constant snacking and a very unclearly defined meal structure, and i feel as though that is not really healthy, either. have you struggled with that, too, and if so, how did you deal with that? 

in general, does any advice come to mind for someone in ed recovery? (both concerning body image and food choices, or really anything else)

I had a little bit of a constant snacking phase when I started out. That phased out after a couple of months, and then after that, I was able to have more structure to my meals. You and your dietician can work out what makes sense in terms of your regular hunger cues. There are some people who work well with 5 small meals a day or people who do more of a 2 large meals a day. and there are people like me where I need like a snack in the morning (I'm rarely hungry first thing in the morning to where I want a full breakfast), lunch, maybe a snack in the evening, and then dinner. 

I also found some light meal prepping to help. I'm not out here structuring out every meal of the week but generally speaking, I have a couple of side dishes in the fridge, some meat that I have pre-marinated, a couple of desserts and snacks here and there. So it's like, I have things prepped out so I'm not stressing or reaching for foods that might be less balanced, but I also have the flexibility to go with what I'm craving that day. But yeah, a dietician can help you figure out the logistics of giving your structure without potentially triggering a binge/restrict cycle whle also taking your habits and what makes sense for you into consideration. They will also help you incorporate some structure in your meals so that you have enough protein, fats, carbs, and fiber so you're satisfied with your meals and not constantly hungry/ snacking. Like for me personally, I know there are some days where I just want meat and vegetables in a meal but I usually throw in there a half slice of toast to make sure I get enough carbs in because I notice that if I only rely on veggitables for carbs that something feels missing from my meal and that leads to snacking. Another example is that if I'm getting a salad, I do try to incorporate just a little bit of cheese and I try to incorporate a variety of flavors so that I feel satisfied with my meal. 

I still find that I tend to get into a grazing tendency when I'm mentally dealing with something and I'm stressed out. In those situations, since my hunger cues aren't at it's normal rhythm, I tend to snack on random bits and pieces of things which then later turns into something well rounded because in the end of the day, your body knows what it needs and it's important to trust that. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I do have structure on a normal basis but also, the snacking often serves a purpose for you biologically so you can get your needs met depending on your situation. It's not all bad.  

Edited July 14 by soos_mite_ah

[Judy2]

@soos_mite_ah thank you for sharing:) yes, i'm trying to figure out a meal plan for myself, too. just to have some basic orientation, so that i don't have to constantly think about what i should eat at a meal. 

would you say that you are happy and stable with the way you are eating now? 

Edited July 14 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i actually managed to get back into working on my BA thesis today. almost did a solid 3 hours??? ("good job" to myself!) anyway, my realistic goal for the week is 2 hours a day of focussed, undistracted work to get back into thinking about my topic, organising my sources, and so on... 

 

these past few weeks i have noticed that there have been way too many things going on all at once, so i'm trying to reduce that a bit now. otherwise, my brain has a hard time focussing and settling with the specific topics i should prioritise for now. 

for this reason, i suppose it would make sense to post a little less on here, at least in the weeks to come - unless of course i feel like i need some help tackling a specific issue or question, or feel a desire to note down and share insights/progress/struggles...you know the drill by now:) 

Edited July 14 by Judy2