"intimacy"

[Judy2]

from what i observe, the dissociation is what happens in moments when the overwhelment is so intense that my entire perceptive field gets a crack.

like, i worry so much about what i need to do with myself, and that i carry the heavy burden of self-responsibility and needing to make wise decisions and needing to know what i do with myself, where i'm going....so much so that i completely stop feeling like myself. 

it's a stress-response, my ego goes into hiding. an early sign is when i start biting my cheek or chewing on my lips.

Edited May 22 by Judy2

[Judy2]

feeling slight embarrassment for being such a drama queen these days

[Judy2]

some more thoughts i've been having lately...

 

it's weird how central of a role mental illness has played in my life. i don't even know why, i feel like nothing bad has happened to justify this, and the fact itself is a bit weird...but this is just what it's always been like....a trippy reality to be thrust into, for sure. a strange world i find myself in.

thinking "i am sick, and it's not my fault" in the woods today resulted in another abrupt outburst of tears, until i walked on casually.

 

i keep thinking how much of an autonomous, self-responsibile child i was. my mother would have been there to parent and support me, but i actively resisted that...nowadays, i wish so badly for something (or someone) to relieve me of all responsibility, of every minute decision.

the other day, shortly before i entered another dissociative episode, i remember going to the shops and thinking how i'm a type of person who's just very lost....so lost that i want others to get real close, get so close they suffocate me and burn my skin....which is usually something i end up complaining about, too. you really can't have it right with me.

Edited May 24 by Judy2

[Judy2]

right now there's some clarity that the belief in "people" is false. i'm not a person, and those "people" out there are a belief that appears and disappears from time to time.

no wonder i'm struggling so hard when trying to make sense of myself as a person. the whole thing is completely backwards and antithetical to direct experience. there's no person in my direct experience....there's Life, there's Me, occasionally engaging, toying with, and getting frustrated by, a concept of a person that i have created. no wonder i'm despairing every time i try to make sense of myself as a person....i'm simply not a person.

(not writing this from a place of psychological dissociation....i think. just from observing direct experience. and i'm writing it down cause it might help when i'm overthinking too much.)

...i'm a bit scared that you guys think i'm crazy by now.

Edited May 24 by Judy2

[Judy2]

feeling incredibly existentially overwhelmed, anxious, and troubled again. and scared. overwhelmed.

spoke with an emergency psychologist and he had the most calming presence ever. it's astounding.

walking through the woods now. the woods are astounding, too. 

i'm a mess, i'm scared, i'm troubled.

Edited May 28 by Judy2

[Judy2]

my urge to fully live from a state of infantile immaturity and lack of responsibility is astounding, too.

it's amazing how burdened one can be by one's own existence.

[Judy2]

might not have borderline after all, but some other kind of combined/mixed personality disorder.

Edited May 31 by Judy2

[Judy2]

so there's no centre, no rules, no stability.... absolutely nothing "real" to hold onto...but i still have to pretend like there is? even if it means engaging in dysfunctional behaviour from time to time....apparently that's the only thing that can ground me, for now. at least for where i'm at. i don't really see any alternatives right now.

need a bit of dysfunction to keep me safe, keep me sane, keep me grounded.... a bit of self-harm here, a bit of dieting there.

otherwise there'd be chaos and i'd be completely, utterly lost and unsteady.

[meta_male]

@Judy2 Been reading through some of your posts and wanted to say I admire the realness of them, it's refreshing.

[Judy2]

really missing my "safe space". it's actually quite a big, fundamental topic that i will need to discuss in therapy.

the vulnerability i feel when exposed to other people's moods, permeated by their impulses.... it's intense.

i feel like they can cut right through me. so much so that ironically, cutting my own skin feels like a relief. feels bearable. tolerable. gentle.

[Judy2]

@meta_male:).

i'm actually not sure if they're a bit too real/triggering atm....so if anyone feels bothered, please let me know and i'll remove them.

most of the time i struggle with censoring myself and deleting a lot of posts, but things and perspectives have become so chaotic lately that i guess it doesn't matter anymore. 

[Judy2]

18 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

really missing my "safe space". it's actually quite a big, fundamental topic that i will need to discuss in therapy.

the vulnerability i feel when exposed to other people's moods, permeated by their impulses.... it's intense.

i feel like they can cut right through me. so much so that ironically, cutting my own skin feels like a relief. feels bearable. tolerable. gentle.

...admittedly, it's also quite an immature (though desperate) way of saying "hey, look, i am hurting in this environment"

i could also just say that with words, without writing it down on my skin. it'd be less impressive, but perhaps more functional long-term.

Edited Monday at 07:12 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

52 minutes ago, meta_male said:

@Judy2 Been reading through some of your posts and wanted to say I admire the realness of them, it's refreshing.

@meta_male it's a little bit concerning to me that it's always when i'm being explicitly toxic or sharing about dysfunctional patterns that people start complimenting me on my authenticity

[Judy2]

continuing today's psychoanalysis and putting things together...

 

... again: apparently, you just can't have it right with me. 

i want people to tell me what to do and take zero responsibility for myself. i want to stop existing as a real entity, have someone or something else reabsorb me, and explain to me what to do with myself, because i've got no clue.

yet, i feel so hurt and threatened by their mere presence (maybe like nothing they offer is good enough for me?)

 

 i want to be CHOKED, because i feel so cold on my own, but then i quickly start complaining about the heat. 

i know i don't do well in isolation - but i seem to hate company.

(..."i hate you - don't leave me.") 

[meta_male]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

@meta_male it's a little bit concerning to me that it's always when i'm being explicitly toxic or sharing about dysfunctional patterns that people start complimenting me on my authenticity

I just appreciate honesty...how you interpret it is up to you.

[Judy2]

@meta_male ok:)

[Judy2]

paradoxically, after a long day of stress, overstimultion, being surrounded by too many human beings, and missing my peace and quiet (along with a good dose of social isolation...)

...i also feel re-emerge this desire to be held, cuddled, squeezed. haven't really felt that in months.

 

Edited Tuesday at 10:25 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

like, maybe i do want other people, but i want people who just 'get me'. who know exactly what i need and how to interact with me. how to talk to me, comfort me, and take care of me.

talking in extremes again: someone who knows me better than i know myself, who knows what i need more than i would know myself. basically someone who can read my mind, decipher every emotion, ... and so on.