Upgrading To The Maximum Level In Life

[Extreme Z7]

<09-02-2016>

I Need A Break
 

This week has been intense. Not too brutal, but I did push myself a lot to get things I've been delaying done. Really pushing my productivity threshold level a little bit just to see how high I can put it at my current stage in life. Now, I want to rest this Friday night. Not worry much about the next weeks but just sit back with some entertainment.

[Extreme Z7]

<09-03-2016>

Clueless Directionless
 

I had no clear idea what I wanted to do today. I'd usually have a list of things I want to do in my head but today I basically just went with the flow and spent time with entertainment when I wanted to and spent time working on things I want to accomplish when I wanted to. I feel weirdly satisfied though, like I didn't spend too much time with entertainment that I felt I got too lazy and I didn't spend too much time working that I got anywhere near stressed.

In the end, my directionless approach got me equal amounts distractions and external results and I can't really ask for any more today (That's not exactly true, I still have cravings to do this and that as I write this.) But I think I only got lucky, so far I still think that a mindful and focused day are the ones I'm really going to be proud of but days like this should also be cherished I suppose.

That's all for today.

[Extreme Z7]

<09-04-2016>

What Are The Answers To All The Deep Questions of Life?

Welp, I'm inspired.

[Extreme Z7]

<09-05-2016>
Gotta Love Mondays
 

It's been weird transitioning from Sundays to Mondays each week because Sunday tends to be the day where I lay back the most and be the least productive and on Mondays, I kind of expect myself to get back to a productive funk. I'll be honest, I hate procrastination more than I hate stressful work. Obviously because I get stuff done in the latter and also because I'm also stressed out when doing the former.

Anyway, this morning I procrastinated more than I expected I would and I felt frustrated but it was not the first time I felt the feeling so it was slightly more bearable, but during the afternoon I found myself getting back to my motivated self. I have a lot I want to get done this week so here's to another engaging week where I work, learn and love more than I have previously been able to.

[Extreme Z7]

<09-06-2016>

I Still Meditate (and other stuff)
 

I noticed that it's been a long time since I've talked about meditation in this journal. I worry that it's because I have not been taking it seriously enough over the past month. I still do it consistently though and I still love watching various spirituality videos to complement it. But I find that recent events have made me too distracted from it. Both my creative work and college work seem to be getting in the way. I don't know if this is ultimately lead to disaster but I do know that I have to make an effort to correct this.

In other news, I've been thinking quite a bit about animation. I've always been an animation fan and over the past month I've been very obsessed with watching various short films scattered around YouTube. Not just your petty humor stuff but actual artistically motivated stuff. For a while I've been telling myself that I need to keep practicing my drawing skills first AND THEN get into animation. But the more I ponder about it, the more I realize the bullshit in this kind of thinking. My ego is trying to rationalize me into procrastination by telling me that I have to get good at drawing before I can "advance" into animation. The truth is that I really need start animating as early as I can and learning about it as early as possible especially since it is critically important that I even KNOW that it's a authentic thing for me to pursue in life and not just a random passing interest that stems from my distractions. I found this to be the case with music and video making, for a while, I dabbled with music production and let's play content but I found, much to my surprise, that they were not right for me. Especially music, it was pretty shocking for me to realize that I don't really have true authentic desire of the art of music.

I have a feeling that animation is going to be different. Over the months of personal development growth I've experienced so far, I've seen big results in the level of contemplation I do in my life which is very important. I found that I have a true authentic desire to tell stories through visual means. The stuff I've created through my drawings are actually more dear to me than any song I've produced so far and even any game I've ever made. Visual imagination and storytelling is much closer to my heart than anything else. I still love music, don't get me wrong, and I will still get back to making more music in the future because I still have a deep love for the art form. But I really have to cut the stuff that is the least deeply ingrained in my soul and construct a far simpler and focused way of pursuing my life purpose. I found that my life purpose journey falters the most when I have multiple fucking desires, all of which clawing at my psyche to be fulfilled.

That's all for this entry. It's a pretty long one compared to previous one's I've made recently. I guess I had a quite a bit of stuff in my head that's been wanting to be expressed for a long time.

[Extreme Z7]

<09-08-2016>
I Started A New Drawing Blog
 

I've been thinking about the fact that the majority of my sketches aren't uploaded online anywhere. Personally, I think this is because I've pretty much gotten rid of the mentality that literally everything that an artist creates should be somehow given any form of online presence. With drawing, however, I find that each new thing is has become quite unique in their own way that it would be a shame not to build an online archive of every single page just for the sake of allowing other people to see it. I draw everyday and I've been doing so consistently for almost two months now. I can upload each new page onto my Deviantart account but I personally don't want to because most of my drawings are "just practice" and I don't want to mess up my account with them. My solution: set up a separate blogspot site where I post almost everything.

You can find the site at extremedailydrawing.blogspot.com. I've only made 2 posts so far but there definitely is more to come.

[Extreme Z7]

<09-09-2016>
What Do I Actually Want?
 

Just a thought that crossed my head recently. I don't want to elaborate on it, though, because I just don't feel like writing about anything today.

I do have a new post on my new blog if you want to check out. It's a daily blog so there's a new post everyday. I won't limit myself to only one post per day, I may have some days were I post more than once. extremedailydrawing.blogspot.com

[Extreme Z7]

<09-10-2016>
Having An Existential Crisis Each Week. Is It Possible?
 

Contemplation and Introspection work can be really hard to do. Especially since they involve questioning and sometimes re-considering current desires and intentions that you have. I'm not sure if they count as existential crisis but I certainly experience 'negative' emotional feelings whenever I have them. I still continue to contemplate and introspect, though, because I believe that they will have a more powerful impact in my life in the long term than the petty emotional reactions that I assume is only being caused by my ego. The more I have them, the more I can handle the emotional issues and directly target what these experiences mean for my current behavior. I'm not perfect at it, or even very good, but I'm hoping that as time goes on, each new existential crisis I have will give me more power to correct my daily behaviors to really aim for what actually matters in my limited lifetime.

Edited September 10, 2016 by Extreme Z7

[Extreme Z7]

<09-12-2016>
Wanting To Feel Alive, Not Just To Live
 

Remembering the concept of patience, I can't help but keep having to use it in regards to something that's been very significant to me since I started getting into personal development, which is my level of happiness. It's a constant fuel for me to ponder my unhappiness in life. Not that I'm miserable, it's just that the highest levels of authentic happiness, in my opinion, are so high that it basically puts moments of high stimulation to shame. More and more, I find myself wanting and even subtly being attracted to a more peaceful happy lifestyle but I still have so many worries, anxieties, and insecurities that are preventing me from living life fully. I'm not really miserable, it's just well. .  BLLAAAH! That's basically my life right now, it's just BLLAAAH! But I keep persisting, because what else is there? Wallowing in my own suffering as if its just normal human life? Just because most people in society do it, doesn't mean I'm going to join the 'misery party'.

[Extreme Z7]

<09-23-2016>
I Still Don't Think I'm Even Doing Personal Development Yet
(But I'm Getting There)
 

I think I'm still in the early preparation years of personal development. I've been slowly gaining interest in other aspects of life that I've been taking for granted in a long time and if I'm going to take this seriously, I'm going to have to be spending lots of time and effort reading books, attending seminars, hiring life coaches and what not. It's going to be expensive and I don't have the cash at the moment but rest assured that that day is going to come in one or two years. Right now, I'm still busy building a foundation. Thinking and strategizing my future. Contemplating and pondering a lot on existence and life so as to not fall into undesirable paths.

My life right now is still your average "work and entertain thy self" sort of deal with some bits of consistent daily practice and spiritual work. I've been cutting down on working on college requirements but I still have not fully dealt with the stress and anxiety that comes with it. My work on my indie game has become more consistent. I don't work as hard on it as I used to but I'm getting more done simply because of the dedicated daily work I'm putting into it. My drawing skills have improved. I bought my first drawing tutorial book last month and just recently, I have been consistently reading the material and practicing daily with about one new lesson learned per day. Meditation hasn't had much improvement for the past month but I'm still keeping it consistent at 1 hour per day. Finally, I'm slowly getting into contemplating my own death and how my death connects to almost every aspect of my life. I'm trying to find ways to reconcile the reality of death and the distracting nature of everyday life. It's difficult but I'm making progress.

I've been making consistent weekly updates to my game development at the site where I'm hosting it: GameJolt.com. You can find my game here.

I've also started a new drawing blog where I post drawings I make on a daily basis. You can check it out at: eezydailydrawing.blogspot.com

So that's basically been my past month so far. I hope that what I wrote here will help anyone who is just about at my stage of personal development or below to relate to what I wrote and hopefully regain a little bit more focus and motivation to keep moving forward. I'm personally feeling like I could use more motivation to keep growing on this path so I'll be looking more into how to do that.

Edited September 24, 2016 by Extreme Z7

[Extreme Z7]

<09-24-2016>
Learning Vs Productivity
 

It's the weekend again, I tend not to work a lot on weekends because my weekdays are hectic enough. Instead, I dedicated a lot of time on educational content. I've been getting back into a reading habit which I've failed to have for weeks. I've also been biased to watching educational content in my YouTube feed for quite a while. I still watch funny and entertaining stuff but I keep them at a minimum.

I've also been focusing more on education and learning in my drawing habit. It sometimes even feels like drawing is another way of taking notes. I don't just draw to make stuff. I draw to learn. I did some figure drawing today to put a human proportion lesson to practice. You can see it in my blog: (eezydailydrawing.blogspot.com). I also did some fun cartoon doodles but I haven't uploaded it yet. I'll likely be focusing more on learning to draw cartoons more than realistic drawings though. A passion to become a cartoonist slowly rising in me and I want to nurture it. I still have a lot of emotional baggage that I have to let go but I'm patient enough to trust that that will happen eventually.

[Extreme Z7]

<09-25-2016>
Mediocrity
 

I did everything I wanted to today. I did some doodles, did some satisfactory reading, had some good entertainment, meditated well, etc. But yet, life still feels so mediocre. I want to wake up brimming with motivation and surrounding myself with supportive people but I still feel like in this "hollow dream" that Leo talked about in a previous video of his.

I'm being very patient. I've been doing this for months but it still feels like I have several more months of consistent hard work to endure until I finally break-through into a really profound self-actualizing lifestyle. Just because my life is mediocre now, that does not mean it will stay that way for the rest of my life. But it will take a while, a long while, and in many ways that's the most bitter pill to swallow.

That's all for today. Please check out my drawing blog, too. Drawing has become a big habit for me and I want to post about it online daily to keep on track: eezydailydrawing.blogspot.com

[Extreme Z7]

<09-26-2016>
I Should Probably Be Focusing More On My Mood

Today I've come to a realization that completing my tasks and goals are supposed to be second priority in my life. The thing is I've been wanting to feel happy for the past several months but I've always been distracted by various obligations and habits. Basically, I want to feel more in the present moment. It's been a long time since I've felt that way. I like to contemplate a lot about the future and how to maximize the time I have right now but it seems I've forgotten a very important component of that and that's being connected to the now.

 

[Extreme Z7]

<09-27-2016>
Having Faith That I Will Make It Someday
 

I'm in a stage of my life where I'm always in a struggle. It's normal in someone trying to implement life changes but I almost miss the days when I would engage in mental masturbation about how better my life will be in the future not realizing that I have to put massive amounts of effort to make it a reality. I must have the will to keep motivated and strong. There are lots of internet resources that can help me do that but I'm afraid I'm still not fully committed in harnessing them because the alternative is easier.

Anyway, did my usual habits today. I drew, worked on my game, meditated, and worked on college stuff.

I do want to mention that I'm remembering a time not too far ago when my drawing habit was not daily. It was just very recently, a few weeks ago, when it started and I've been taking it as seriously as my meditation. I've been getting good feedback from Deviantart recently, and from other people I show my art too, and it's given me more motivation to aim higher than I currently do. I'm still afraid of failure as I'm sure a lot of people are but so far, it's been worth it. I'll be looking forward to what I'll become after a year or two of this. Also, please check out my daily drawing blog at eezydailydrawing.blogspot.com. I don't know what else to say but it's very dear to me at the moment.

[Extreme Z7]

<09-28-2016>
Reconnecting With A Past Love
 

One of the first things that has ever caught my attention as a child were comedy comics. I bring this up because I recently drew a funny comic for my daily drawing habit today and I quite liked it a lot. A few months ago, I proposed to myself that maybe my core life purpose is becoming a cartoonist, and the more I contemplate how to properly structure my life, the more I find this to be the case. I still have a massive fear of failure but that's another story.

So here's the comic I made today:

If you found this comic funny, thanks!

I'm not going to go into detail about it but basically, I want to make more of these. I'd love to produce more stuff like these more so than any game or music I've made. I want to be able to consistently make comics like these almost as a career. Right now, I'm having trouble with coming up with more ideas but I should have some more in the near future. I will still be drawing other non-comic stuff, I like those too, but these drawing these feel refreshing to me. If I can reach a point where people are enjoying my comics on a daily basis, even if it's just one person per day, that would mean so much to me.

I just need to strategize a way to get to that goal, but this is where I stop writing this entry and start reflecting by myself.

[Extreme Z7]

<09-29-2016>
Fighting The Distraction
 

I feel super distracted today. I still managed to do everything I wanted to do in my daily routine but today was far too hectic, in my mind that is. Maybe it's because I had a pretty good and focused meditation session this morning that everything else in life just felt unbearable. I even want to turn of my laptop as soon as I finish writing this. I still have to upload in my daily drawing blog though, I just remembered that as I'm writing this. When I'm done with that, who knows? Part of me wants to remain quiet for 15 minutes, another part of me wants to play video games. If I know myself, I sadly might end up doing the latter or both.  Not the former and only the former.

[Extreme Z7]

<09-30-2016>
Searching For Happiness While Drowning In Suffering
 

True Happiness and Fulfillment requires a long term strategy. Which is exactly why it's so difficult to get in these modern era of work and distraction. I know whatever claim someone has about life is always a projection of one's own mind, but you can't deny that we live in a complex and chaotic world where ignorance is constantly fighting truth. I've seen that everything I wanted in life will never make me happy. I'm still in a phase where it's criticial that I regularly take time out of my day to sit and do nothing and contemplate. It's emotionally difficult to start such a session and it's also difficult to stay in it. I don't know why though. Why is it so difficult to sit still and why is my mind always occupied with thoughts of doing this or doing that? I'm pretty certain that this is the root of everyone's suffering but even with this realization, the grip my mind has to its preservation mechanisms are very strong. I trust that change will happen within the next few years as long as I keep up with my positive habits but it's will take an high amount of patience and trust from myself.

[Extreme Z7]

<10-02-2016>
Up A Notch In Awareness
 

Yesterday, I had a really magnificent meditation session. It was the very thing I've been waiting for months. It felt like I was in touch with the true emptiness of being and I could just feel pleasant and present in the moment. I'm usually in a mildly worried state because of the stressful work I've unknowingly placed unto my life so this is a big thing for me. I've haven't felt this calm and relaxed in quite a while and I also feel higher levels of aliveness again. In some of my recent posts, I've talked about being unable to feel alive for a long time. Now, it's basically blind-sided me and I didn't expect for it to happen this early and so quickly with literally one meditation session.

I attribute most of the credit to the fact that over the past month, I've been focusing on "surrender" techniques of meditation instead of hard disciplined focused meditation. It's very hard to get in touch with being when you're doing a meditation session that tests your concentration.

I still know that I still have miles ahead to progress and even this breakthrough isn't even close to feeling divine yet. But I seem to have breached my previous limit of base level happiness and I'm excited to see how much further I can raise it. I'm still 19 years old, I've got a LOT of time that I need to take advantage of.

[Extreme Z7]

<10-03-2016>
Can't Complain, Becoming Conscious
 

I had a pretty Mundane Monday. Nothing too special, worked hard and stressed a little, meditated and didn't have any really high awareness states throughout the day. Leo's latest upload everyday has changed the way I view my behaviors on a moment-to-moment basis though. I can see just how much higher I can raise my level of awareness and use it to transform my life in significant ways that does not only involve external circumstances. Every decision I make now becomes about what will make me more or less conscious.

On another note, I'm starting to have less motivation for certain subjects I have in my college course. They're just becoming more bland and uninteresting to me whereas learning from educational resources on the internet and books is becoming more fulfilling. Practicing creative skills in drawing and music no longer feels like thighs I have to do because getting rid of my deficiencies is important but because there is a certain thrill to learning in it.

Overall, it's tough but I can't complain, I'm becoming conscious.

[Extreme Z7]

<10-05-2016>
Getting Really Mind-Breaking, Keep On Going

Standard routine for the day but with a rollercoaster of existential fear and emotional difficulty. I find myself dedicating more of my time to mini-meditation sessions. It's really tough trying to dig deep into my mind and dealing with my inner hell. There was so much that went on in a day were I spent a lot of time doing nothing. I don't even want to write or talk about most of it. So I made a drawing instead.