When Your Sexual Energy Is Unfocused

[Kimasxi]

Hello friends, it's strange, a man is giving me a lot of masculine energy - how can I use this situation to my benefit?

I posted here some months ago when I suffered a heartbreak because of the very same man. Time has healed my wound. I am much more distant to that crush now, it does not hurt me to think of it anymore. He dissappeared completely from my life for two months and my emotional attachment has faded away. And now he's back. I am sorry that it's long (I am aware I have problems with brevity) Please read at least the boldface :-)

This is a case when a woman meets a man who feels like your natural born rival and at the same time he's an attractive alpha male. Please help me understand what is happening. My experience had 3 stages:

1. When I had a crush on him, first I envied some of his qualities, I felt threatened and I started to rivalise with him at our common hobby. I maltreated myself idealising him and underlining his good qualities while condemning myself for being worse. But it gave me a kick to do self-development, I started to train social skills so that I am not perceived as a weakling in social situations. I started to engage in the hobby 120% to be the best. Then I sold myself on him as I wanted to feel sexual desire and he matched perfect. Because I fantasized about him I fell in love or crush (if there is a difference) and promised him as my goal / reward in the future (I was to scared to get close to him though he showed signs of interest). This was a good stage, when I felt like a superhuman.

2. Then he found a girlfriend and I felt terribly rejected. I did my best to help myself, I decided not to look at him anymore and I banned thinking on him in a sexual way. I also decided to think badly of him to rewire myself. Next months were very harsh on my ego: I felt anxiety each time when I realised I was going to see him because of the hobby, I had some fearlike reaction whenever I noticed him, something like being electroshocked. This is stage when I suffered a heartbrake.

3. Then he stopped attending our gym so often and I cooled down, he even stopped attending it at all for 2 months. I assumed it's over, he's not going back. I felt stripped of purpose. There was no goal to fight for, nothing I really desired to achieve, my social skills training met with failure often, I was angry and disappointed at not getting the effects and meeting my social needs. I felt my life didn't have much sense and I was losing hope. I stopped engaging in the hobby 100%, I started to setting my mind on letting things go, doing another hobby, I stopped pressing myself on being the best, etc. 

4. And now there is a fourth stage. He's back. At first I was angry when I realized how much suffering he´s been causing  and that I cannot be at ease anymore cause I will still want to be better than him. It is compelling. The day when he came back I slept fewer hours than usual though I had so much problems to get up early every day. After a week I see I am actually appreciating that he is back because it rekindled my energy to do and to achieve and to fight, overcome obstacles and be the best. So this way he got me out of the malaise. My rivalry is an ego-thing, some kind of war where I want to prove something (I don't know if to myself or to him). On the one hand I want him to lose, on the other hand as long as he's there it makes me work harder and I feel purpose. 

PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO ACT TO GET THE BEST OF THIS SITUATION.

I am afraid of stopping being a bitch to him and telling him the truth, cause if I stop hating him: 1. I lose the sense of purpose 2. I may fall in love again

So I keep to the commitments I made in Stage 2. I suppose he subconsiously awakes a lot of sexual energy in me but because I do my best not to desire him this energy is somehow unfocused, undirected towards a particular person. Is there a way to mold it, to do something with this energy? Is there some smart actualized way of using it? :-)

 

 

[ajasatya]

@Kimasxi as long as you still depend on external approval/motivation, you'll be doomed in any context: work, friendship, family, intimate relationship etc.

and if you want a healthy intimate relationship, you better start genuinely desiring happiness for others even if they're not with you. quit perceiving others as objects/means of satisfaction for your ego.