Emotions part 2

[Preety_India]

On 08/02/2021 at 2:50 PM, Preety_India said:

The greatest damage that abuse and trauma do to you is that they block you from higher self development. 

It stunts you 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 19, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Oh lol I had done this last year I remember that. 

 

[Preety_India]

I can't believe back then I had made a 30 character list for my writing projects. 

This whole journal was about female characters. 

I'll look into this mint model again. 

 

Edited January 19, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Finally found it after digging into my old journals. 

So this was the girl I was looking for. 

The girl had no name.. I used to simply refer to her as the quirky girl.

 

[Preety_India]

 

On 04/02/2021 at 10:27 PM, Preety_India said:

I have been  imagining a girl in my dreams for the past few days and today I woke up and saw this clothing store ad girl and she looks exactly like that

 

 

Then I imagined her in a room like a dark room or underground place standing next to black chalkboards and a table. 

She was kinda lecturing me on something and we both were talking about certain problems in society. 

 

 

And there were messages written on the chalkboard that said "closure" and "wrapped up" 

It reminded me that whenever I was dealing with a situation, i would want to get to the bottom of it, I would closure and move on in peace only after wrapping up that situation/segment/episode /incident in my life. 

 

On 04/02/2021 at 11:04 PM, Preety_India said:

So I imagine this girl in a room lecturing me. 

It felt good because we both were discussing issues and solutions to those issues. 

She was like the quirky girl minus the orange shirt. 

I will call this the brainstorming room with Miss B. B for brainstorming. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I had used some characters here as well. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

On 04/02/2021 at 10:27 PM, Preety_India said:

I have been  imagining a girl in my dreams for the past few days and today I woke up and saw this clothing store ad girl and she looks exactly like that

 

 

Then I imagined her in a room like a dark room or underground place standing next to black chalkboards and a table. 

She was kinda lecturing me on something and we both were talking about certain problems in society. 

 

 

And there were messages written on the chalkboard that said "closure" and "wrapped up" 

It reminded me that whenever I was dealing with a situation, i would want to get to the bottom of it, I would closure and move on in peace only after wrapping up that situation/segment/episode /incident in my life. 

 

On 04/02/2021 at 11:04 PM, Preety_India said:

So I imagine this girl in a room lecturing me. 

It felt good because we both were discussing issues and solutions to those issues. 

She was like the quirky girl minus the orange shirt. 

I will call this the brainstorming room with Miss B. B for brainstorming. 

 

 

 

 

I have chosen the name Amaya for her. 

So i have 4 strong characters right now 

• Sabina (intimate friend) 
• Greta (gazer) 
• Jessica (therapist) 
• Amaya (underground station) 

These are like spirit totems. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

Bring the door closer to self focus and self healing. 

Mini updates. 

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

• Self compassion 
• Self attunement 
• Self healing 
• Self focus 

Now what is Preety going to today for self focus —

First clean the garden once again. Water the plants. Drink some water yourself.. Drink some orange juice.. 

Remember the focus should be on yourself throughout this time. 

 

Mini updates 

January 19, 2022, 3.43 pm 

 

Completed the above task. Cleaned the garden. 

 

[Preety_India]

Best advice given on this forum 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Mini updates. 

January 19, 2022 5pm

Cleaned the garden thoroughly. 

Trying to improve my self focus. 

And I want to spend some time with my imaginary characters. 

Especially like 2 hours per day with Amaya. 

 

 

Edited January 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

How to undo narcissist programming by a narcissist parent? 

I'll have to look deeper into this. 

 

[Preety_India]

How do you deal with narcissistic family abuse? 

One way is to collect all information that you can collect on narcissism. 

 

[Preety_India]

The one thing that my mother did was to always guilt me whenever I acted selfish. 

There is an interesting dynamic here. 

My father was a very selfless man. He was very helpful and kind. He would help people a lot. 

My mother resented my dad. She used to resent his selflessness because she wanted him to devote all resources to her. She never liked how he paid attention to other people. So she would guilt him whenever he tried to help his friends. 

Now if selfishness is what she wanted, shouldn't she have done the same to her children? 

Shouldn't she want her kids to be selfish like her? 

Ironically this wasn't the case. 

Her programming towards her husband involved guilting him for being selfless. 

Her programming towards her children involved guilting them for being selfish. 

This is a bit confusing to understand at first. But once you unravel the mechanics of how narcissists operate, this won't be tough. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

So yes continuing from above, my mother used to guilt me for being selfish, for doing things for myself.. 

There is a reason why a narcissist would do this. 

A narcissist is subconsciously training the other person to cater to their own needs. 

Programming my father to not be selfless was a way to achieve this. 

If her children turned out to be selfish, then they would resist looking and attending to her needs. 

How would her kids then serve her purpose? 

So her strategy was to program me to be more Empathetic. 

This way anytime she needed anything done, I would be available to her. But if I got selfish, then that would be a threat to her because that would mean power in my own hands. And narcissists want power to themselves. They will do everything to not allow transfer of power. 

The strategy was to slowly guilt me if I did something for myself. Yet reward me if I did something for her. Narcissist mothers secretly and subconsciously use manipulative strategies on their children and program them the way you are programmed in a cult. 

This caused me to have extreme disdain for selfishness to the point where I began to abandon myself.

Self care did not exist in my dictionary. 

Because even if I ate something I wanted to eat, I was immediately punished and guilted. 

This was a clever move to keep me in control as a child. 

It takes a lot of effort to deprogram the narcissistic parent programming 

It's important to keep a keen eye on the patterns and tactics used by narcissists around you so that you don't subconsciously get programmed by them. 

 

[Preety_India]

Something familiar is observed in cults and religious communities. 

They constantly guilt you through normalization. If you did anything for your benefit, they immediately punish you, guilt you, gaslight you, demonize you. 

The same observation can be made in patriarchy where women who take care of themselves or want better treatment are constantly moralized, guilted and shamed and branded as "selfish" or "bitch" or "bad woman." well she is bad because she doesn't sacrifice herself on the altar of patriarchy, she doesn't bend enough to male domination. Then she is automatically a bad woman. 

Religions, cults, gender disordered systems, parenting, and many other systems pretty much use this strategy to control the people living under these systems. 

The first principle of slavery is to weaken the morale of the slave 

If a slave is clever enough to detect their own exploitation or if a slave is aware enough to be selfish with their own needs, the first strategy would be to break their morale and to make them feel ashamed of any behavior that benefits the self. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Mini updates. 

January 19, 2022 9.17 pm

 

 

Edited January 19, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update January 20, 2022 8am

Woke up having nightmares again. 

This dream was about children going missing. 

There was a huge party thrown by rich people. And many children were going missing in the crowd. 

And I felt bad for them. 

Then suddenly out of nowhere my mother appears in the dream. She starts telling me that crowds are the best because everyone is present. I reply to her —"you're so dumb. Crowds are the places where children are lost the most."  she kept insisting that that's not true. And I realized that she was too stupid to argue with. 

I feel suicidal again.. The dream reminded me portions of my childhood trauma. Where children are abused or go missing. I can't take this cruel world. It makes me anxious. 

How can we protect children from child abuse? 

In my own country, millions of children are abused every year. By parents. By neighbors. By kidnappers. Millions of children are forced into trafficking. They are then pushed into horrendous jobs and labor to make money for people who use these children to make money illegally. 

I feel sad and helpless. Because governments around the world don't do anything about child abuse. It bothers me. 

I wish there was a system to protect all the children in the world. 

 

 

Update January 20, 2022 3 pm

 

I don't feel good at all. I feel sick again. 

When I had lunch I completely choked on my food. When I vomited I could see all the mucus coming out. My esophageal tract was totally blocked by mucus and that's why I couldn't eat. 

Since morning I have been upset and suicidal. 

The dream completely sapped my energy. I feel lost. 

I feel drained. 

I feel like all good things come to an end. 

Why do bad things happen? 

 

Update January 20, 2022 3 pm

 

I fell asleep after eating because I was so tired. 

Constant nightmares have drained me. 

Today I bought a perfume set as a gift for my mom. 

I did this to make her happy. Let's see if she appreciates it. 

 

 

Edited January 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Update January 20, 2022. 

 

Edited January 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Update January 20, 2022 3 pm

Edited January 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The forum can be a time sink. I should be careful about that.