Dealing with meeting abusive parents

[Magenta]

Hello everyone, 

I would love to hear others perspective on this situation I’m dealing with because I want to do my best in making compassionate, kind and fair decisions to me and my loved ones. This holiday I am gonna be spending a lot more time than usual with my younger sisters(17,11,5), mother(47) and stepfather(25). Around 3 and a half years ago, one of my sisters came to me and told me that my mom’s now husband but boyfriend at the time had been going into her room late at night and just standing there over her bed or looking around her room. One time at a supermarket  he bump into her rear with an erection and said nothing, in another occasion he touch her thigh when they were by themselves in his car, to which she said something in between the lines “If you do anything to me I’ll kill myself and let everyone know why I did it”, after she told me this I called social services and the police which came to their home and talked to everyone and nothing happened, I don’t think they believed me or her even tho I told them what had happened to me in the past (I was abused by my sisters dad and my mom had knowledge of it as she was also being abused) , my mom had told cps that my sister was angry at her because she didn’t let her date the guy she wanted to. 3 months later my mom and this man got married and things were bad between them as always but he never touched the kids again as far as my knowledge goes. Fast forward to 2 months ago my sister tells me that our mom and him went out and came back fighting and drunk and he got a machete and said he was gonna kill everyone in the home and started chasing them around, but they were able to make him walk out and locked him outside until the police got there, to which they said that he was the homeowner and he hadn’t hurt anyone so he could do and say what he wanted to/in his property as long as there’s no harm caused. And he stabbed the door because he was trying to get inside his home. The next day my mom and him made up and were dining in a luxurious restaurant. Fast forward to 4 days ago one of my other sister sent me an old video of them playing to do my mom’s husband makeup and my mom was recording it, the first thing I realized was that in that video he had a hard on, I felt so angry and disgusted to know that my mom was recording it, and this was taken when they were only dating for a couple months and my siblings where like 10 and 5 in this video. I’ve been working on forgiving my mom and her husband for their past behaviors but it gets difficult every time I have to spend time with them specially since they are not trying to improve in any aspect I feel like it’s not good for my mental health. It’s easier to do the forgiving process when I don’t have to spend time with him specially, because me forgiving him doesn’t imply me condoning his behavior towards them. Or maybe I need to go deeper on my forgiveness, since it has many layers. But I feel divided I have this need to be strong and protective when I’m around him part of me sees him as a predator I can’t relax and I don’t like that, another half is that I’m conscious that he’s just a broken hurt child inside and he never had anyone to love him properly that’s why he can hurt people like he does and I wish I could give him a hug and tell him that I am sorry that his mom wasn’t there for him, but the thought of the possibility of him hurting my sisters again stops me…If you were in a position like mine how would you cope, what perspective would you try to frame this in so that it wasn’t toxic for yourself being around them? Advise is appreciated.

 

[Cathal]

hey, you don't have to try to be compassionate and you don't have to try to forgive. don't abuse yourself like that, i would also write if you can see what i'm saying clearly, there is such an oppurtunity here. although i don't understand what the struggle is in your situation mentally, i can definitely project myself in this story and feel the disgust of it all. i have no idea what you should actually do, but maybe to reflect on for your mental health

the thing is you just understand them -but not intellectually- because the problem is all of these feelings you're experiencing, they feel toxic. it feels like you are soaking up peoples behaviours, but who is the one experiencing that? 

are you absolutely sure what you feel is being caused totally by your parents actions? 

now ofc, that doesn't mean you don't do anything. but you just do what you think needs to be done, without judging them. that knowing is the right thing to do, because the moment you act from your judgments you lost, you caused yourself suffering and your parents. but maybe a part of you wants them to suffer more, or perhaps this part of you that has these feelings towards is also you? can you see how if you act from that desire to get revenge, to get a one up, to want to punish them, to hurt them is really truly just hurting you? but the pleasure is quite sweet lets be honest, from hurting the people that fucked up us.. but it is not the way you will find your freedom and forgiveness you truly desire.

because the part of you that protects yourself and the part of you that knows he's just another fucked up human being is important. here you have a great oppurtunity to surrender your emotions, your self-image, your idea of who you are, your sense of being seperate to the knowing that allows you to act in a way that seems to contradict how you feel. 

TO KNOW that is not you, those emotions are not the truth, that resistance is not truth - if you can act from what you know is the right thing to do, is the path to compassion and i can say, that is the way out and the liberation you really truly want. not the pleasure from judging/comparing and acting on those. good luck with whatever you do, protect your sisters <3

[Gianna]

On 12/24/2021 at 10:15 AM, Magenta said:

 I’m conscious that he’s just a broken hurt child inside and he never had anyone to love him properly that’s why he can hurt people like he does and I wish I could give him a hug and tell him that I am sorry that his mom wasn’t there for him, but the thought of the possibility of him hurting my sisters again stops me

I'm dealing with a similar issue. When you are conscious enough to see the innocence in a perpetrator, it is so painfully saddening it's almost unbearable. And when loved ones are involved with them, I mean that pain is so harsh I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I myself am struggling with how to deal with this so I don't have much advice to offer on that. But as for forgiveness, forgiveness is a natural arising; it is not something to be constructed. And it is sure as hell not something to be forced. If you have to force forgiveness it is not true and authentic forgiveness. Authentic forgiveness will come as a natural byproduct of complete and total healing. It is like a bubble at the bottom of the ocean that naturally rises to the top. It will come to you so you don't have to worry about doing it. Do not expect yourself to forgive when you (or someone you love) are still being impacted. I like what @catcat69123 says, don't abuse yourself. If you ever want to talk about the struggle we can pm  I'm sorry you're living through this

[Arcangelo]

On 12/24/2021 at 0:15 PM, Magenta said:

The next day my mom and him made up

Your mom made her choice. If it was my mom I'll consider her dead.