The Usage Of Unused Energy And Tackle My Inner Demons

[Mango1998]

Sometimes I have some periods, where I get a boost of energy and motivation to change my life, to some things that are good for me and my future like reading some good books instead of novels or I want to do some sports, so I can stay healthy and fit. I get them mostly, when I look some sites of universities. Three days ago I was interested in Harvard, so I got on their homepage, looked photos of the university buildings and searched for the application deadline. And then I got that motivation to work hard, so I can get on that damn beautiful, amazing and superb university, where I can study literally everything. The only problem is the money and maybe also my English and the short period of time:D So I thought, I can work hard in school, so I can get a scholarship or donations. I made a plan (very often) to visualize my idea and work after this plan. I wanted to work after the plan and I could do it.  But when I get this boosts full of energy, there is something in me stopping to use this energy. I don´t know what it is, but I want to get rid of it and use this bunch of motivation. Maybe it´s an inner-resistant or bad vibes or maybe  some devil power in me. I don´t know. I only know that I want to get rid of that "thing", so I will do this journal and maybe get inspiration, motivation and help. 

I also want to watch Leo´s video on a regular base and yeah hope to fulfill my dreams and maybe study one day at Harvard or some other amazing university and the most important thing: be happy:)

[Mango1998]

Happy New Year

 

Today is not only a brand-new day but also a brand-new beginning of my last year in the school and I´m glad to look back at the last year and things I have done. It was one of my best years and I will also be greatly thankful for the experiences I could make in the year 2016. Before that I never really had the opportunity to discover the world. So the most knowledge I had about some countries was based on some books I had read in my free-time or from school. 2016 changed kind of my life and my ideas for my life-purpose and my coming future. 

The year started like every year: I did my list for the year (I would not follow really long) and had a fight with my sister because I did not allow her to ruin our nature with the firecrackers. But soon it changed. I got many chances to travel to different countries and took every of them Every journey started in my living-country and extended to exploring some other countries.

Traveling is some kind of hobby of mine. I love traveling, exploring other nations and their culture, meet new people and learn more about history. So the knowledge I had only from books and my researches turned in reality and self-experienced facts.  I could visit Italy and see most of the things I heard about in Latin or history classes. That was just amazing.

Also very capturing experience was the one I made in Poland. Poland is just a great country with a very sad, adventurous and deep history. The people are one of the most open and communicative people I ever met and so nice to everyone.  With some of them I kept the contact (actually I´m not very good at that) and become good friends and i hope it will stay so. I´m looking forward to visit Poland soon again

So after the whole traveling I came to the conclusion I want to continue that. I have no problems with living from a suitcase or always sleep in different hotels and uncomfortable beds. And with the help of my best friend @quantum I also had the bravery to take the decision not to study what my parents want me to study or what job offers me the most money and an easy life but to follow my intuition and maybe also my determination. So because I´m totally in love with almost every country that have a great history  and that I want to study, I decided to study history. It took me almost two years to accept my love for history and follow my gut instinct. So as I already said, without the experiences I made during my traveling-time and the help of my best friend, I am now ready to study very soon history in a beautiful old city and a vintage university.

Also I changed my eating habits and became a vegan (the credit goes again to my best friend) and started doing some sports like going for a jog, doing some circle-training at home and I also made it through a registration in a sports club (but I did not went there for a long time).
The motivation for doing sports and staying active did pettily last not very long but I will start again to do sports.

I like doing sports with others but my friend lives to far away and my sisters who could do it with me is not interested. So, I hope to learn to do it at my own and motivate me with music or some role-models.

I will not do a real "good-resolutions-list" because I already know I will not stick on that. Besides this I want to follow my intuition and act after that instead of a every day to-do list. So I know this year will be at least as great as the last year was and I am very grateful for theopportunity to live this year.

[JKG]

@Mango1998 May I add something to your unofficial "good-resolutions-list"? Something that is not so hard and over time will change your whole life around?

Change every month one little habit.

Because how will you be able to change your whole life to the better with shitty routines? And how will you be able to make more drastic changes if you cannot even change one little thing every month.

I would begin with the morning. Build a good morning routine which will prepare you for the whole day.

I'd suggest at the beginning just to wake up immediately. That is hard enough. When your first alarm rings firstly stand up, get out of your bed, and only then turn the alarm off. Then go into the bathroom and do your stuff. Then go back into your room and not lay down again! Stay awake! Thats it. Do this for one month. Without excuses.

And to remember yourself to do this, do the following: take a normal piece of paper and a pen. Write onto this paper "GET UP!" and put it on your wall or door. And everyday you wake up immediately, check the day of mach einen Strich an eine Strickliste (I didn't know how to put it in English, so I wrote it in German). Do that now!

And if you want you could implement also this little exercise which takes less than 5 minutes. It could be a little meditation.

 

[Mango1998]

@quantum Thank you for this great advise. I tried already in my past a kind of morning routine but that failed. And I think I know now why: I put to many things at once I wanted to change, so basically it was to much for me and one morning and I hold it up only for two weeks and then gave it up because I loosed my motivation and also energy to do that every morning.

So your way sounds very positive and promising, I really very hope it works. I will start right tomorrow with that and look if it works And the exercise with the breathing is also very refreshing and energizing. I will add it to my routine.

Thank you again.

[Mango1998]

Confession to make

 

I have some bad habits but the worst one is watching Television and that just ruins everything.

I have somehow an evening-plan and that allows me to watch one hour and ONLY one hour TV. That basically is enough for one episode of my serial I´m watching right now. But yesterday my will was not strong enough. Yesterday a new season started and the episode I watched was so interesting, which lead me to watch me one more episode and then after that one more and so on.  So  instead of getting in bed at 10 p.m. I got in bed at 2 a.m.. And that is just so horrible. I could not get up at my normal time, that´s 8 a.m. and overslept SIX HOURS.

That however lead me to frustrating eating because I could not follow my plans for day and I have headache caused by the oversleeping. And now I have eaten too much, slept to much and have done just nothing....

I just have to overcome that habit, be more strong and resistant or just watch boring stuff. 

The thing is only I´m not always a junkie, only on few occasions in the year. So I don´t know what exactly to do. For today there is no TV in my schedule, that´s fore sure.

[JKG]

Watch this! Perfectly for your and my situation!

Don't try to change multiple habits at a time. That is a 99.9999% chance for failure. Did this method ever work for you? I bet it didn't. NEVER!

Choose one habit! ONE! Don't trick yourself into wanting to change more than just this one!

Just waking up earlier or just quitting television. ONE of them, NOT BOTH!

Do the pre-mortem technique here with this ONE habit!

Edited January 3, 2017 by quantum

[Mango1998]

STOP Backsliding

 

Ok, now everything makes sense. Why all my daily plans or morning routines did not work out and I or my mind soon made excuses not to do this stuff even though it was amazing and could have changed my life in a very positive and effective way. That all comes from homeostasis. In a biological way it can be very good for our body but in our mind it can cause huge damages. So, in other words, you should be aware of that mechanism or it will ruin all your work to change your life. If you are going to change something, body, mind and the people around you will resistant against that change. Your body will play psychosomatic tricks, so you have kind of hallucinations and think that you are ill or something.  Because of that, you should be prepared for serious negotiations. That means you should slow down or move on with your changing program.

Other points to be aware of:

• have realistic expectations
• meditation habit would be good
• visualizing habit can the chance to actually do something can increase
• is the changing right? -> pic the right and important thing -> pic the right thing to change and give 100% commitment (give the right value, so your mind believe you and do not trick you)
• only ONE change at once
• don´t underestimate the power of a successful change

Thanks to Leo I can work now successfully on my plans. I will start right to visualize the most important thing I want to do tomorrow.

[Mango1998]

I´m an addict

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5ZYV-IMIUU&t=1s&list=WL&index=3

So here are my very obvious addictions I became aware of during watching Leo´s video. I just hate doing nothing, for example when I´m sitting on a bus, at home and have nothing to do or even at school in long breaks. So basically I start:

• eating, if I have some food with me or I buy it. About two years ago I was giving tuition to freshmen and between that I had 60 minutes to do nothing and there was some kind of a cheap canteen in the near. So following my internal emptiness I would always buy some ugly and unhealthy doughnuts or some other sweet stuff till I felt bad and guilty. So luckily I do not soo much unhealthy nowadays but I eat when I´m bored.
• talk to people I know and really have  some dump and bullshitting conversations
• listening to music if I carry my headphones  with me and I don´t just listen to music or enjoy it, sadly I never could. No, I listen to the text and think about it. That´s why I listen more to music because of the lyrics and not just because of the nice voice or the breath-taking music playing in the background
• reading a book. A short time ago I was addicted to fantasy and love stories and a combination of both was just heaven on earth. Then with the help of a special person I discovered what shit I was actually reading and wasting my time with. Also, I discovered that the whole story is the same. Always. Boy and girl meet, hate each other at the beginning, then fall in love and do some adventure together. That´s all. >nd just to see this, it took me about five damn years. In that time I could have read so many good books. So...whatever, I´m happy I know it now

• thinking. Yeah, about school or I start to philosophize some really strange things, that are not really worth thing about. Or I just love to create some theories and share them later with my friends...

So that´s all I could think of. But I´m pretty shure there are more to discover. But first maybe I should start to get rid of that addictions and enjoy the moment, the beauty of the present and just be happy

 

[Mango1998]

I´m angry. I get easily angry and mostly I do not show it in front of other people. I hate this side of me and I do not want others to see this bad side of me.

I get angry when I´m hurt, when I´m disappointed by people I like a lot or even love. Right now I´m angry and I don´t want to feel it. It hurts. I want to get rid of it.

I don´t want to love anybody, but I do. Actually, I love many people. So I get easily hurt. But I do not show that I´m actually hurt. I only show hatred, even though I don´t hate that person. I´m afraid of loving people and then lose them. Also, I´m afraid of getting hurt by people or they would not love me back or as much as I do love them. I want to be honest, but I can´t. It´s so hard to show your real emotions, your broken side, your affection for someone. It´s just so fucking hard.

I´m jealous of people whose only care is what to wear next day or cook for lunch. I´m jealous of people who have a total and whole family with small careless argues. I´m jealous of people whose love is replied. But then I think it´s good to be like me. After all, I have the power to change myself and maybe build myself such a life. Or it´s good to have this eager to become a higher-self because then it doesn´t matter at all. Nothing matters at all. I want to leave everyone I love. I want to leave my family, so they can not hurt me anymore with their bullshit. Like I left my friends from my old schools, so I do not have to have this responsibility to keep in touch with them and be nice to them although they hurt me much. I hate responsibilities. I hate it when people expect something from me. It´s just a heavy burden for me that puts me down. Don´t they know this? Do they care? I don´t know. Do this, do that, be on time, be polite to someone, control yourself. Damn, I don´t want to control myself. I want to let this all go. I want to be happy, always. Without all these people. I don´t need heir love. I can love myself, but I don´t.

And I don´t know why I love the most people. Man, they are bad, most of them. They don´t give a shit about me but I still care about them. Because of them, I can´t have a "healthy" relationship with anyone because I always have this fear that the person could hurt me or leave me when I´m to attached to her/him.  I´m a total disaster but I can´t stop hurting me by loving such kind of people.

Right now I only care about a handful of person, but next morning or when the school will start again, the number will rise and so will my burden to be nice, to become love, to control my emotions and so on. I don´t hate them. I only hate this feeling of being hurt so easily, I hate that need to get love or approval from them. 

Right now I can only hope that the feelings will be gone till tomorrow and hopefully the day tomorrow will be not bad like the day today.

[JKG]

7 hours ago, Mango1998 said:

I get easily angry and mostly I do not show it in front of other people. I hate this side of me and I do not want others to see this bad side of me.

Show your emotions. Show that you are vulnerable. There is a part of you that you repress, that you don't want to accept, the "bad" side of you - called the shadow. And your shadow is huge, like everyone else's. Because you repress all the shadow-aspects of yourself you get these negative emotions. To cure it, let go. Accept that you have a shadow and show this shadow. Don't hate this side of you, love this side of you. Love that you are vulnerable, love that you get hurt. Show it to everyone, even to the idiots in school.

7 hours ago, Mango1998 said:

I get angry when I´m hurt, when I´m disappointed by people I like a lot or even love.

Now you have discovered one of the components of anger. It is based on the feeling of hurt. 

7 hours ago, Mango1998 said:

Right now I´m angry and I don´t want to feel it. It hurts. I want to get rid of it.

Love this feeling, embrace this feeling, accept this feeling. Even when you are enlightened there will still be these negative emotions. But enlightened people don't resist them, they let go of the resistance and accept it.

Express every emotion you have fully. Feel how it arises. Say that you are hurt. Say that you are angry.

Do you remember what I told you about the inner child work? Do some of that.

[Mango1998]

I know that you are right but right now it´s not so easy at all and the yesterday was just too much for me, so I broke.

And it´s so fucking hard to show your real feelings at the full intensity to someone you don´t want to show or you don´t trust that much. Also, there is this fear to lose this person.

I think starting again with the inner child work would help much. There is a very hard limit to cross over but I can do it Thanks for  your help :*

[Mango1998]

Changing my habits and receiving success -but for how long?

So lately I have been trying to change my getting-up-habit and it´s working quite good. Right now, I don´t own my own alarm clock, that´s why my mom is my new alarm clock and I actually manage to immediately get up when she appears in my room to make me get out of my bed.  Basically, I´ve been out of bed around 8 o`clock in the last few days, about a week, and that was pretty good with me and it did not make me grinchy in the morning or stuff like this. Tomorrow things are going to change. School is starting. My alarm clock will be no more my mom and my getting-up-time will also change drastically. I have to get up three hours earlier than normal and it will be hard. I´m pretty sure I can make it through a couple of weeks, but what then? I don´t want to give up that good habit. It gave me the opportunity to have more from the day, to use the morning more effective and also have the time to do everything calmly. Maybe I can sleep at the weekends longer but then the habit will also be out of order I think. And my body will start this homeostasis again and so on. I don´t know what to do....

[JKG]

7 minutes ago, Mango1998 said:

Maybe I can sleep at the weekends longer but then the habit will also be out of order I think.

Make it a habit to get up everyday at the same time and to go to bed everyday at the same time. Everyday, even on the weekends. I enjoy waking up early on the weekends especially, because then there is silence in the house for much longer.

[Mango1998]

39 minutes ago, quantum said:

go to bed everyday at the same time.

That´s the problem. I can´t go to bed at the same time because it will now depend on my homework and learnings I have to do. Also, I will get home at some days very late, so I don´t know. Maybe I should make a learning/homework-plan..

[JKG]

Just now, Mango1998 said:

That´s the problem. I can´t go to bed at the same time because it will now depend on my homework and learnings I have to do. Also, I will get home at some days very late, so I don´t know. Maybe I should make a learning/homework-plan..

Yeah, learn to manage your time wisely. I didn't mean that it should happen now, just work towards it for the future. It is much easier for your body to have a set bedtime. You will intuitively know when its time to sleep

[Mango1998]

Yeah I´m working forward to it One habit at once 

[Mango1998]

My family

In my family is nobody vegetarian or vegan and they don't care about health at all. They mostly eat what they want and that annoys me, so I try to talk to them and tell them how bad this food is for their health, but either I´m ignored or being stamped wrong. 

But I try again and again to confront them with the consequences of their behaving/acting. My mom understands that fruits and vegetables are healthy, that´s why she started buying more of them. But she doesn´t want to understand that dairy products and meat is also unhealthy and against the moral. Well, I try to picture the pains the animals have to do through, so we can eat meat, burgers, nuggets etc. and also have our dairy products. Mostly she would ignore me, tell me to shut up or come up with excuses like one person can do nothing and all that stuff. And then I try to make her clear, what if one million or more people would think the same. But she wouldn´t understand me.

At the beginning when I started avoiding non-vegan food, she would get angry and force me to eat it or otherwise she would do something bad. Luckily she is not doing this anymore. So I can live happily vegan.

Now I´m trying to get to my siblings. I have a 15-years old sister who is eating very unhealthy. She kind of hates healthy stuff like fruits or vegetables. In one week she would eat maximum 200g of vegetables/fruits. So mostly she eats meat, eggs or dairy products like chocolate, cookies, cake and every kind of fast food or other unhealthy stuff. My mission is to make her eat more healthy and care about her body and not give my small sister and brother anymore of this devilö stuff. She is really very addicted to that and also wants to "give them a nice childhood" as she had. But I talk to them and tell them how bad it is to eat meat and all that stuff and they would rather listen to me than my parents or her.  So they are thinking of it and avoid eating meat if they know that it´s meat. So that´s going very well and talking to them works well.

So I try to talk to her and also confront her with the truth but get angry and also become aggressive and she starts pushing me. Like today. I was talking to my small sister and brother and tell them that chocolate and Nutella is not good for her health when my sister rushed in the kitchen and told me not to tell my siblings this kind of "bullshit". Well, I didn´t listen to her and continued talking to my siblings. She interrupted me and I talked to her and tell her about her bad eating habits. So she started yelling at me and also crying that had enough of my talking about animals and so on. I didn´t stop, I questioned her taking part at a "save-the-animals" but killing them herself. So she said, that she is not killing them by herself and I agreed and told her to stop eating them. To confuse me she came up with my past and told me that I myself ate dairy stuff and enjoyed it. All in all we got in a big fight and it ended up she being aggressive and pushing me.

I perceived thanks to our fight that she identifies herself so much with the society and believes that she becomes aggressive when someone tries to attack them. Also she gets more easily in that status when she was a while ago with her friends. So she kinda identifies also herself with them.  That makes me think of what my father told me: "Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are". That is really wise and true. Yeah I hope I will make progress very soon and make her become more healthy but it´s really hard. She does not want to think about this things. Also she questions very less or very dump things. She has the opinion that a person is healthy as long as she is skinny. She got luckily good gene otherwise she would roll around like a ball. Well, I don´t know how to make her change her and be healthy but there is still hope. Bit one´s for sure my small siblings will not become like her as long as I´m here. Right now I´m showing them an animal movie, so they can start loving them and not eat them anymore. In my opinion, it´s dumb to teach children to love animals but give them meat for meals. I want to change that and make them love animals truly and from the deep of their hearts  

We don´t nedd to talk about my father. He is the most ignorant person next to my sister. Maybe she got that lifestyle from him, I don´t know and it doesn´t matter.

[Dragallur]

@Mango1998 Once you start this journey it is hard to face how others are screwing their lifes up. I find it very difficult to talk to somebody about improving once life.. they "want" to be stucked and nowadays I just find it better to rather show that it is working for me and inspire them than to persuade them to do what I do.

[Mango1998]

@Dragallur I understand your point and I agree totally. Well, I can´t inspire my sister because as you already said she is "stucked" and wants to stay at that  point although she knows it´s working well for me and she is living very unhealthy. It´s okay as long she does that only to her body and not harm anyone else like some innocent children.

[Mango1998]

"Take your time and not your life"

 

I heard that today from an old man at the bus and it kind of inspired me very much. I mean we are so rushing through our life that we don´t realize anything. And the most important thing, we don´t realize that our life could be ended in the very moment. In the next moment, the realization hit me. That´s what I was doing this week too. This week I was rushing through my any minute, through any hour and through any day, through the WHOLE week.

I got up at 5 in the morning, meditated, did my cleaning routine, meditated, made me breakfast and then went to the school. After school, I was almost every day tired but I pushed me till 10 o´clock in the evening. I did my workout, did the babysitting, meditated, did my homework and after that the learning part. At the end of the day I hardly could open my eyes but even though I couldn´t sleep.  There was something in me that didn´t wanted me to stop, to rest, to sleep. It wanted and wants me to push myself to my limits and then over cross them. Maybe it´s willpower.Maybe not. I don´t know. I don´t know anything.

It felt great when I finished the stuff but it also was hard to get up the next day. 7 hours sleep is much too less for my body but till now it could handle it. There is the will to change things. Because I was so busy doing my stuff and handling school there was hardly a minute I sat in front of the TV. And to be honest, I´m not missing that I think it´s a good news. Well, I´m happy with that.

Now the weekend starts and I will have much time to do whatever I want to do and also finish my self-development work. I have to confess I didn´t do anything spiritual the last day (if I keep meditation out). So I won´t be bored tomorrow, I guess I will take my own time to enjoy, to laugh, to be aware, to be thankful for everything I got, to love (also me) and and and....