Motherhood

[ElenaO]

I do understand now more the depth of suffering. I used to have such a shallow understanding of difficulties. I can symphathize more now with those that go through hard (and much harder than me!) times. I never actually contemplated how it is for them. I did kind of understand it's tough, but never actually did fully symphathize. And it can be much much harder than what we have. Yet the feelings I have are still valid. It's hard and it's exhausting.    

[ElenaO]

It's been long since I posted anything here. Things have changed since then.
I do realize that once your child grows and you are out of that SH*T hole of being depressed, things are considerably better.

I wish someone would have told me that actually. I remember asking my brother and my mom on this and all they could say was: it's always going to be challenging. But it IS NOT F*CKING true. I agree, it's always challenging, but things are WAY better when your child is a toddler. I cannot say that things are easy right now. Far from it. Especially how 1 years display their emotions. And the constant worry (I woke up screaming this night and woke up my husband because I dreamt of a cabinet falling on Luke. It isn't the first time I have these nightmares). And the stress. And the tears, the arguments with mom and Carl, the guilt at work for not doing enough. 
But man, things become easier with time. Either because you just understand your child better, you gain some confidence and some direction, or because they just become more independent. Anyway, I am out of that shit hole I've been to and I am so grateful. The reason my mom and my brother couldn't tell me that is exactly because they've never been to that shit hole. 

Luke's talking ta-ta, da-da all the time. It's been for months. Also ma-ama-ma. But that means eating, I think. He's walking now on his own and it's extremely cute. He's generally very-very cute. And I do feel a lot of love towards him. Which I haven't felt at all for the first 8 months at the least. Maybe even 10. I do enjoy spending time with him for the most part. He's smart! He's still on 2 naps and sleeps around 14 h a day (which is lots if anyone would have told me based on other kids' numbers). He used to sleep waaay less when he was younger.  

Edited November 20, 2022 by ElenaO

[ElenaO]

It's Christmas Eve. We aren't doing anything special, really. Though, I did have a walk today at Ravenna, alone. For 2 hours. Carl took Luke to Burke museum and got some time to myself. I love walking around new neighborhoods, the ones I've never been to. 
I went to a farmer's market and got a double chocolate espresso cookie. Also ate TONS of chocolate today. All I want to do is eat, read and lie down. Exhausted. In a different way. I found out 2 days ago I am pregnant! So that's that. 
Tomorrow we might go for a hike for the first time since Luke was born. 

This Christmas is cardinally different from the previous one. Even if we aren't doing much. I was so desperate and broke last year. It was nightmare. 
this time we are getting an au pair to help. Will see how it goes.

[Michael569]

Congratulations! ?

[ElenaO]

Thank you! 
It's 2023. I am considerably more irritable and tired and feel like it takes more of me to do the chores and taking care of Luke. It's surely because of pregnancy. 

Honestly even days off aren't so fun anymore. I think it's a slight nausea, tiredness and just general feeling of being sick of everything. I am also stressing because Luke fights the naps somewhat and does not fall asleep as easily as he used to. So will need to adjust his wake windows again, and looks like soon we are going to switch to one nap. Right now I feel like I want to quit my job. Really. 

[ElenaO]

I just found out I have a miscarriage... It's been such a long month. I've been feeling down a lot. I feel like I live just to end the day. There's little pleasure to none throughout the day. Being pregnant was so hard. Probably not for everyone but in my case it affects me on many levels. It's just not a good quality of life. I am still feeling nausea, adverse reaction to a lot of things, even though I am practically not pregnant anymore (they couldn't find the baby, calling it "suspect spontaneous abortion"). Luke and everyone else here has COVID too. So it's really crappy few days...
Luke's also whining and crying a lot and at times I just cannot take it! I just feel like just disappearing. I am so annoyed by all this crying. 

[ElenaO]

My hCG hormone levels are going down so I am starting to feel better. No nausea, no feelings like I totally hate my life. I still have some of it, but it's levels lower. We drove to Capitol Hill today and I walked on my own while Carl and Luke where on their own.

We are planning for another kid soon.

[ElenaO]

I have a little more hope now. Things are just easier: I don't have this feeling that I don't care about anything all I want is die. It's indifference and dread of the future, like there's no point in tomorrow or today - it's all just a drag. I sort of feel like this right now but it's exponentially lower. Well after all my hormones aren't at the non-pregnant state (5 for non-pregnant women). I still had them in thousands just a few days ago.

It's difficult because I am both emotionally and physically tired. Some days are better, some are worse. But it's a common theme: trying to gather myself to get things done. I hope one day soon Luke will be doing things on his own and I will be more rested.

His crying often makes me cry. I feel bad for him and I am also irritated at the same time. It's tough to be a parent. 

[ElenaO]

Went for a walk at the waterfront today while Carl was with Luke. Got a couple of cookies too. I do not feel great - mostly tired all the time (physically and emotionally). But then again when have I felt all full of energy ever? I feel like I need to cry so I should do breathwork maybe tomorrow if have time in the evening. 

I should set a cleaning schedule and programming one too. And write down on the whiteboard my focus: commit to presence, enjoy time while with Luke, leetcode, a little bit of time for myself so I can enjoy life (that is mainly on the weekends). 
The plan is to do at least 1 exercise a day of leetcode or 2 hours of focused practice. May also read Cal Newports book on focus so I can reground myself. 

Priorities:
- being present

- enjoy time with my son

- leetcode (2 h)

- meditation (min 10 minutes)

- breathwork (2 a week)

- enjoy (read interesting books, walk new places, cook and eat, talk and meet other moms).

[ElenaO]

Oooof, so tired today. I did not sleep enough. I didn't take unisom last night and here we go. I may have got used to it? I used it for pregnancy and I do have to confess I slept better. So I'll take another one today. Note that I am only using 1/4 of what was recommended for pregnancy nausea symptoms. 
I overate too. On dark (too dark) chocolate. I decided to eat ghirardeli instead of my usual chocolate fix, but that one was too high in cocoa (72%). It actually makes me tired instead of helping. No, no more.
My manager asked me if I want to stay at work... considering everything what happened = miscarriage. I was like "I haven't thought about it". I should have said I didn't know this was an option. I thought there's no way back once you gave a notice of resignation. I should have said no immediately. But now I realize my ego liked that he asked me to stay. I mean who doesn't like to hear that they are valued. Of course. 
I'll tell him no, because I gotta be true to myself and others.  

[ElenaO]

It's all the same every single day: unsatisfied with how much and what I eat. I have to figure this out once and for all!!!
I am exhausted too and that makes me more hungry than I should be. Ooof. 

Went for a blood draw today to get my hCG checked. Probably dropped a lot. Will get a call from a nurse tomorrow to see what's next. Hopefully the pregnancy/miscarriage completed on its own and I won't need to do anything else. 
I still feel COVID symptoms even though the test shows negative. 

 

 

Edited February 2, 2023 by ElenaO

[ElenaO]

My hCG levels are at a few hundreds, so the process is moving towards the end. 
I started appreciating Luke more after I lost this other baby. 
We just connect better now in general. I love him more, I think and enjoy to spend time more.
He's into looking at the books now and it's so sweet. He sits down on my lap and we look at the board books. He shows me a picture and I comment on it. He comments something too, like "Ta-ta" (his fave and most common). 

He's also into exploring machines, like the coffee machine. He really persists on me getting him up to look at it and touch it and push the buttons. Same with the alarm system, and now the upper cabinets, and the changing table that we haven't been using for a while. 
I started brushing Luke's teeth myself. I basically force him. He does not like it and he cries quite some. But I guess he knows what's it about and after I finish he is grumpy maybe for a couple of seconds but then stops and we again enjoy each other.

Carl just told me that he bought him a couple new board books. Hope Luke likes them so we can enjoy our time reading. His current favorite got torn into two and he was sad today in the evening when we couldn't look at all of the pictures (the larger part of the book was somewhere else and we had to read just 3 pages of the book).

[ElenaO]

We went to see our friends Gagik and Stella and their daughter Alice. It was nice. They cooked food, they are always hospitable. Luke seemed to enjoy it for the most part. He did show his stranger's suspicion in the beginning. He didn't like it when Gagik or Stella were interacting with him. He was crying in the beginning. 

I do not like the part that people usually have some unhealthy foods such as pastry when having guests over. I didn't eat much of it, but still you are sort of forced into it. I was also hungry (probably should eat more veggies/meat for lunch). 

Even though I enjoyed our time out I do think it does not promote so much what I want in life. But Carl insists that it's important for Luke to interact with kids of his age. I do not think it's true. I think he's perfectly happy if he's loved by his parents and has a good environment for growth and development. I don't believe in this whole idea of "children/people have to socialize". Especially if they are young toddlers of 16 months.

[ElenaO]

Luke sometimes is really fun and happy. For example he loves to roll on our bed. I haven't really noticed or paid attention to this before but he seems to love soft and fluffy things and rolling on them. I knew he loves his stuffed toys but apparently anything soft is preferred. He also loves to put his cute blonde small head on a pillow, or just the entire body for that matter. And just lie on it. It's so funny! 
We went to Kirke park today and had some fun. Luke likes sliding down the slide (a small one) and I did it with him! We did all kind of interesting stuff in the park: climbed on the stairs up to another slide (that one was too scary so we went just once), walked on the swings (yes, walked! Luke was wobbling while walking and I was holding him), we played in the sandbox (Luke was throwing the sand out of the sandbox :D), then we explored a tree. All of the while I was anxious because we needed to go home to change a poopy diaper.
 

[ElenaO]

I think Luke knows when I am having fun and enjoying the time with him. If I am engaged and happy he acts like he enjoys it too. Well, it's vice versa a lot of times - we affect each other. But I think lately he's been enjoying spending time with me more and likes me more. I like to see that.
Another funny fact: He has this sheet with whales on it. He *knows* (so observant!) it belongs to his bed! So he drags it to his bed every time he sees it. I changed the sheets and he has a different one right now, so he keeps bringing the one with whales back to bed. It's funny! But he really insists that it has to be in his bed!  It's similar to other things that he considers that must happen a certain way: for ex. he thinks his pouch with puree should be thrown into the trash can (even if it hasn't been used fully yet), that his purees sometimes need to go inside the grocery paper bag (my Mom asks him to put it into her purse when she comes over because they'll have a puree on the walk). It's cute and funny.

He also started showing his preference for drinking from the cup with the straw, which is satisfying to me

[ElenaO]

Today was my last day at work. People were super nice and said some words that truly made me feel good about myself. It was so nice! 
Now on to thinking how I'll be spending my time: preparing for future interviews, spending more quality time with Luke, practicing assertiveness while with Luke outside and other kids/parents are crossing the boundaries. 

[ElenaO]

Today was nice but at the same time tough. We went to walk to Green Lake, got two slices of Zeeks pizza, Carl got ice cream, I got a cookie and a few small chocolates. The weather is nice, it's almost spring, or so it feels. Luke has been crying and irritable for the last few days. I don't know what's happening. I am thinking if it persists I'll take him to his ped to see what's going on. It's so hard to know when children don't speak. 

He was crying and getting frustrated at bathtime too, not sure if it's tiredness, teething, pain somewhere, you guess it...? It makes me worried. 
 

[ElenaO]

Yesterday I felt like I cannot do it anymore. So tired. My mom is also not able to take care of her own things, it frustrates me a ton. 
Luke was also very irritable, he was today too, but much better. He wants to bite everything if he's irritated, including me. Fortunately he hasn't bitten my breast yet but he sort of was going to, but I guess realized it's not a good idea. So today I was sitting all toughened up from being afraid of him biting my nipple. Other times he's really really cute and sweet. Especially when he does this rrrrrrrrrr sound in his own baby way while snuggling and laying on the back. A lot of times when I look at him I just want to kiss him all the time, his cheeks are so soft and he's just super cute, like really!!! And I do kiss him a lot. 

He's trying to saying words now, and a lot of times it's the endings or the beginnings of the word that he actually says. Some words though work pretty well, like cat he can say entirely. He also says Carl or Charl when I mention his daddy. Carl is not liking that Luke calls him by name. Yeah, it will pass. 

 

[Gladius]

Having a kid must be both the most fulfilling and exhausting experience possible for a human being. You guys are lucky to have each other. Congratulations.

[ElenaO]

Thank you @Gladius. It is! Thank you for your compassion. It is most definitely the most exhausting experience I've ever had, both mentally and physically. And I think it gets easier with time, but when a child is small it's most intense.