Applying Theory To Everyday Life: A Musician's Perspective

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 127 | More on Death

I don't know specifically what I want to write in this entry, so I'm just going to type as I think.

Death has been on my mind recently. What with my uncle being on the verge of death now after months of coping with cancer and everything. But also, I had a dream in the last few nights about death. At some point, it occurred to me that I had never witnessed anyone die right before my eyes. This caused my subconscious mind to simulate that event in the form of a dream.

It was night, and I was stood at a crossing with around 20 people. As we waited for the traffic lights to change, one guy stepped out in the middle of the road in front of the oncoming traffic. It was obvious that he was hoping to commit suicide. In the shock of the situation, I looked away at the instant the car ran over the guy. I slowly looked back to see the man lying on the floor with blood gushing out of his severed leg. He wasn't dead. But he wasn't far off. He leant forward as if to grab his leg in pain but, of course, it was missing. Something suggested that he was regretting the idea.

Then earlier today, I envisioned another suicide scenario happening on my way to university. I imagined the guy jumping off one of the university buildings with the cry "OH MY GOD." Again, it suggested that he regretted the decision completely. But his fate was unavoidable as he splattered on the tarmac.

Thankfully, these were imaginary scenarios. But why now? It's not like I'm actively looking to commit suicide nor do I wish to see it happen to someone. Nevertheless, it got me thinking about death. It hit me in the Indian music ensemble that one day, I will die. One day, I will return to the nothingness of death. And somehow, I don't feel scared about that. 

Given that the next few years will prove to be the most challenging for me, this is something that I must keep in mind. Nothingness is whole and complete as it is. There needn't be life at all. The fact that it exists for the meantime is just a blessing. The pursuing of goals for materialist benefits seems shallow and unnecessary now. Once upon a time, I just wanted to be a famed guitar player. Now, I just want to make the most of what I am now. The process seems more important than the end result. Now is better than then.

All I can do is enjoy the moment for what it is. Any goals that I pursue will come from that place of love and joy for being in the now. They won't become my life. They will just form a part of it. Because if there's any goal that's worth pursuing, it is to love life to the full.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[West]

31 minutes ago, Liam Johnson said:

All I can do is enjoy the moment for what it is. Any goals that I pursue will come from that place of love and joy for being in the now. They won't become my life. They will just form a part of it. Because if there's any goal that's worth pursuing, it is to love life to the full.

Yesss, beautiful! Love that.

When I think about death, I don't really know if I'm afraid to be dead. What does scare me however is the potential pain and suffering that could happen during death. Like, being burned alive? Nope, I'll pass. I mean, it won't matter once I'm dead, but I would definitely be afraid if I knew that I'd suffer before I died.

This is one thing that I'm both stoked and scared about when it comes to lucid dreaming; one of my greatest interests lately. It's a great way to confront death. A classic way to get out of a lucid dream is to die in the dream. Also, sleep paralysis? Nightmares? Shit, if you can stay fully present and non-dual during that, then you're pretty enlightened! I'm just picking up lucid dreaming again, but I'm pretty sure I'll have some bad dreams in the mix. Dear god, please save my soul... 

[Liam Johnson]

22 hours ago, West said:

When I think about death, I don't really know if I'm afraid to be dead. What does scare me however is the potential pain and suffering that could happen during death. Like, being burned alive? Nope, I'll pass. I mean, it won't matter once I'm dead, but I would definitely be afraid if I knew that I'd suffer before I died.

1

This sums up how I feel on a regular basis too. Death itself is less scary than the suffering that could come beforehand. I'm sure with some extreme consciousness work, we may be able to embrace this possibility rather than resist it.

Dreams are fascinating. The most wonderful part is when you can identify what it is your subconscious mind is trying to tell you through the dreams. This idea came to me not long ago. It's important not to pass off dreams as being 'weird' or 'uncomfortable' and forget about them. They're highly significant to your current life position.

Haha sometimes the bad dreams are the best. Just think of the relief you get the following morning!

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 128 | Zero Fucks Given

Theory: The fear of criticism can prevent you from sharing your work with the world. Don't be consumed by it.

Applying it: Even if you have niggling fears in the back of your mind about completing a project, just complete it anyway. Don't give a shit about what others think about you.

 

Honourable shoutout to @Zane for introducing the "Zero Fucks Given" method!

Today, my music videos arrived ready to publish on YouTube. There were several voices in my head regarding the criticism I may face with these videos. Largely because I have never released music videos incorporating singing as a feature. What will people say? Will they like my voice? Will they hate it? Will they pretend to like it? Will they ignore it? But when I looked back at everything that I had done to create these videos, there was no way that I could NOT share them. So that's exactly what I did.

The voices of criticism in my mind will just have to lump it. To be honest, those voices are an essential part of a musician's creative process. Sure, music can be created out of sheer nothingness. But without the important critical voices, those ideas would never evolve into something magical. However, when those voices simply can't shut up and let me enjoy the moment, the need to rise above them presents itself.

So with zero fucks given, I will now shamelessly share my music videos with you. Not because I want to be liked, nor do I want anything else in return. It's simply just what I have to do to serve something bigger than myself: the creative Muse.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

 

 

[West]

Wow! As a formerly active guitar player I gotta say, that guitar playing sounds amazing! I was jolted awake by the tenacity and energy of the "I'm a believer" intro. This is very inspiring. Kudos for having the balls to share it with everyone.

[Liam Johnson]

@West Thank you very much! 

[Zane]

@Liam Johnson THANKS FOR THE SHOUT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I recently had a third date with this awesome girl and my primary strategy is Zero Fucks Given where any topic is open to discussion no matter how odd it is! It's all about being authentic and genuine without letting approach anxiety and awkwardness dominate you. 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 129 | Do What You Love

Theory: Whenever life gets you down, don't frown. Just do what you love!

Applying it: Self-explanatory.

 

This is a real quick entry to make up for missing a day yesterday. To sum up, I've been feeling kinda hit and miss recently. Suddenly, I've been hit with just how trivial modern life has become. My flatmates serve as a clear example to me. The tiniest little things in life are exaggerated and dramatized by them on a daily basis. It made me think: "Is this all life is gonna have to offer?" Not necessarily for me, but for them.

But then I thought it would be useless to carry on picking faults out in them. I knew that the problem was created by me and has everything to do with me. Then I remembered that over the last day or so, I had being doing a lot less of the things which I loved doing. E.g., playing guitar, making music, hitting the gym, programming, and all of that stuff.

I went swimming today with one of my flatmates. The shallowness of the conversation he was providing really got me down. But as soon as we shut up and hit the water, I was in my element, so to speak. I became much more energetic and enjoyed the whole process of swimming. I manage to swim underwater across almost the entire length of the pool (around 25m), which made me so happy! That was the best I'd ever managed. All because I was so present that I had developed my breathing technique substantially.

If you are fortunate enough to know the things that you love the most, don't pass that up. Do it! If the thing you love will also provide nothing but good in return (a bad example being watching hours upon hours of TV), all the more reason to keep doing it.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 130 | Reflection

What a rollercoaster 10 days it's been. So many ups and downs. The time since the last reflection post seems like an eternity ago.

Starting with my music, things are looking really promising. I was so proud of myself for releasing the music videos a few days ago. It's such a wonderful feeling to see a project through to completion. Most of all when it was created on your own initiative. Not only that, but I've got so many other things lined up in the near future. Along with the big recital in a few weeks, I've been recording more tunes, booking more gigs, and preparing for more video shoots. My mate wants me to do a performance video out in the Peak District, which will be highly inspiring!

As far as university work is concerned, I'm not at all concerned. Everything is within my reach and, although a little less structured than last semester, my stress levels are pretty absent. The best thing about doing a Music degree is that you can choose to do practically all performance-related examinations if you want to. And I wanted to! As a result, I feel confident that I will deliver the goods.

Then there was something I went through yesterday. It was a realization of just how trivial life can be, exemplified by my flatmates. It felt quite unnerving. It was also blended with a deep desire to talk deep with someone. Since I've been going along this self-actualization journey, there has been a lot of unwiring of old beliefs and entertaining new ones. But I haven't found anyone yet who I can openly talk to them about. I really would like to physically talk to someone who 'gets it' without thinking it weird. Whenever I've tried to talk about these things before, it was always followed up with some variety of close-mindedness. Perhaps the need for an intimate, lifelong relationship is surfacing?

Even with the ups and downs, I feel more grounded and secure in myself than I have ever done before. If I end up feeling down, I can depend on myself to feel better. If I have a goal, I can depend on myself to achieve it. Zero fucks are given in regard to my 'self-image.' I'm more than happy to express my authentic self. And that is saying something.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 131 | Impulse Vs Desire

Theory: The difference between impulse and desire is the longevity. Whilst impulses are fleeting, desires can be deep and long-lasting.

Applying it: If you are unsure whether you are receiving an impulse or desire, wait a week or two. If it remains just as strong, it will probably be a deep desire.

 

This is something that I remember hearing Eckhart Tolle talking about on a YouTube video. It's safe to say that I've experienced a share of impulses and desires over the last few months especially. What I want to talk about specifically is in relation to life purpose. It's been a few weeks now since I developed a deep passion for music programming. The compositional possibilities seem endless. The desire to experiment with this has remained just as strong as it did several weeks ago. Thereby, it implies that it is not just a fleeting impulse. This is something I've got to explore.

Along with this, it seems that I've developed an impulse/desire to buy a MacBook Pro. As I've observed several people in my field of work, this Mac seems to be favored by many techies and musicians because of its functionality within music production. Right now, it feels necessary that I buy one of these to last me throughout my career (hopefully). But I can't quite say whether it's an impulse or deep desire. If I feel just as strong about it by June, the purchase will have to be done.

The reason why choosing to act on impulse can be damaging when it is done from a place of unconsciousness. For instance, the impulse to eat some chocolate in order to feel better seems backward to the conscious mind. But to the unconscious mind, what does it matter? The chocolate will be eaten, a temporary high will come out of it, but it will immediately be followed by a come-down because chocolate cannot provide long-lasting happiness.

But this is only a relatively small decision. When it comes to making a career investment, buying a new home, marriage, having children, and other seemingly big decisions, there is more emphasis on making the 'right' decision. To do this, one must approach the decision with as much consciousness and understanding as possible. This means envisioning what will happen as a result of one decision over another. Long-term strategizing.

This distinction between impulse and desire could be the guiding light to every decision that needs to be made. Phwoar.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 132 | Making It To The Top

Theory: Once you've elevated to the top, the best thing you can do is to send the elevator down for someone else.

Applying it: Whenever you have reached a certain goal or acquired a particular insight, the most beneficial thing you can do is to pass on knowledge and other opportunities to others who would benefit from them.

 

I've heard someone use the analogy of an elevator before to describe this, but I can't remember who it was. If you happen to recognize it from somewhere, feel free to let me know!

My guitar teachers have been great examples of this. They have been happy to pass on performing opportunities to me which have benefited me loads. Some of those opportunities include joining forces with an endorsed metal band, doing video shoots, performing at one of Sheffield's biggest theatres, and, most recently, teamed me up with a paid function band.

Not only does it make me feel grateful for their actions in giving me these opportunities, but more importantly, it makes me feel special. It makes me believe that I CAN achieve great things and that I DESERVE to achieve them. Not in an arrogant, ego-centric way, but in a reassuring, comforting way.

The reason they can do that in the first place is because they have gained a great reputation and can almost pick and choose opportunities that take their fancy. Whereas I'm still relatively new in the professional music circles. At my current level, I have to take every opportunity I can get before they can lead onto bigger things. It might be worth devoting an entry to the process through which I end up getting gigs. Although I actively seek out gigs here and there, often it is the case that a gig will fall into my lap based on gigs I've done in the past.

In terms of my ultimate career goals, I would love to be able to reach the top, as it were, like my guitar teachers. I would love to be the one to pass opportunities to others and watch how they grow. It must be a very fulfilling process to go through. Because let's face it, once you've reached the top, where else can you go? (This is rhetorical, as I understand 'the top' is incredibly vague!) When you're getting so many gigs that you can't handle them, how cool must it then be to pass on those opportunities to others who would benefit most from them?

First of all though, better get to the top!

 

Pick of the day:

 

(Just a bit of back-story on this guy, who I love very much! Michael Hedges is considered by many acoustic guitarists to be the most innovative and imaginative guitarists to have ever lived. He died in 1997 in a car accident, and so the only medium I know of this guy is through YouTube. The above video was filmed around 1980 when Michael was largely unknown.

These videos hold a special place in my heart because they depict a seemingly shy guy with a passion for performing. It provides a huge contrast to the man whom he evolved into over the coming years. It gives me inspiration that I may be able to come out of my shell even more and do similar, even though I've done that drastically already.

I know I keep posting videos of this guy but I can't help myself. I have so much love for him. In the top video, he is treated by everyone apart from the cameraman as nobody that special. But then if I include a video from his later years, everything changed. He will always be one of my biggest inspirations as a musician.)

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 133 | Disidentification

Theory: You can reach a deep state of peace and high levels of awareness through disidentification with the mind and body.

Applying it: Try doing a repetitive task for extended periods of time until the mind and body become separated from consciousness.

 

This might sound very vague. That'll be because it's a musician's way of doing things. Today, I found myself on numerous occasions disidentifying with the mind and body. This took place whenever I repeated musical phrases on the guitar for extended periods of time. In the practice room, I decided to play over the hardest guitar licks over 100 times each. In that time, a strange sense of awareness occurs. The realization that you are not in control of your mind and body is exaggerated.

Later in the day, I performed with the Indian music ensemble and for my mate's Indian recital stuff. North Indian music is very repetitive as it revolves around beat cycles. As a participant of that kind of music, the same realization of control becomes apparent very quickly. It's almost as if there is some mystical force that plays the music through your fingers without your control.

One of the most amazing experiences of today was when I repeated a very simple melodic idea over and over again for around 45mins straight whilst my mate and his tabla teacher worked out rhythms over the top. After a while, I became so disidentified with the body and mind that I found my fingers just playing the notes constantly without faltering and seemingly without any effort. It was one of the most wonderful experiences I've ever felt as a musician.

The ultimate lesson that has come from these experiences is that you are not in control of the body or mind. Something much deeper than you controls them.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 134 | Outside The Box

Theory: It isn't difficult to think outside the box. The only 'difficult' part is transforming the ideas into reality.

Applying it: If you receive an outlandish idea, instead of looking for the various ways in which it won't work, focus all your efforts on making it work no matter what.

 

Today, my mate and I went to the Peak District outside of Sheffield to do a video shoot for my guitar stuff. We came up with the idea a few days ago and planned everything out properly to make sure that the weather was beautiful. And it was... despite the wind! But fortunately, my mate was prepared enough to combat it. Whilst the wind can severely degrade the quality of a microphones clarity, a direct signal going from my guitar to the recorder worked the job.

It was a wonderful day out, and I'm eager to see the finished project. The whole idea of doing a video shoot in the wilderness is a very adventurous idea. We had to carry up lots of recording equipment and my guitar up rocky hills against the ferocious winds. Also, the altitude meant that it was still very cold despite the sunny weather. They were definitely not ideal performing conditions. Nevertheless, we were both as determined as each other to make it work, and so far, so good.

It goes to show that whacky ideas can be the most fun and the most rewarding. If it were just another studio video, it would become kinda boring and samey. I'm also hoping that I will be able to continue my efforts in regards to electronic programming and live manipulation. It's another one of those ideas that is out of the norm, especially in relation to acoustic/electric guitar music. My current belief is that it is these kinds of endeavors that other people pick up on and hold in high regard. Time will tell whether this will be true or not.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 135 | Feeling The Fear

Theory: It's no good pretending that you're afraid when you truly are.

Applying it: Be accepting of the fear that you feel. Own it. Maybe then you will have the power to release it.

 

Right. I'm pretty frightened about the future. Not to the point of sheer terror but it's sizzling away in the background. I have never really known a life outside of the formal education system. And the way the world paints it, things don't exactly seem easy going.

It might even be that I will have to dedicate my entire life to my goals with potentially not very much rewards coming from it. For instance, I've had a desire to go out and busk in many cities in the UK. My plan would be to get the right busking equipment, travel around in my car, sleep in it, and eat the most basic foods to keep myself alive. It sounds like such a terrifying prospect considering that I could get robbed, kidnapped, or murdered on my travels.

It's weird though. I still sense an extreme sense of peace underneath it all. It's like a sub-emotion to compliment the fear. And I feel like the peace is more reassuring to listen to than the fear. Sure, those bad things are a possibility. But they have been every other day of my life. What's the use in fretting over it now? Something tells me that if I go out and busk my music in enough cities, not only will something good come out of it inevitably, but I will have traveled a bit and completed my goals. In doing so, I will have kept my promise to myself to never give up.

It's so easy to tell yourself to do the more radical thing and follow your intuition. Because let's face it. It would be far easier to get a job in my Zone of Competence or Excellence which is extremely comfortable than it would be to pursue a life in my Zone of Genius. Actually, that is comforting in itself. Knowing that it's a radical move lessens the fear a little.

For now, I've got to keep focused on what's currently going on. Exams! But even just spending five minutes venting my fears into this journal entry has connected me with that feeling of inner peace that is deeply rooted in my being. Acceptance is all fear needs to transform into something else.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 136 | Knowing When To Stop

Theory: You can't work on your goals for the whole day. It's important to recognize when your body and mind are too tired to function correctly.

Applying it: Even though it's important to work on your goals, have the awareness to know when it's time to rest. There should be no hurry to finish your goals.

 

Yesterday, I had a mild worry whilst playing guitar. The normal speed that I could move my fingers seemed to be dramatically reduced. At first, I thought it might have been a result of the cold outside when I went to get my hair cut. But then it dawned on me that I had been playing intensely for a few hours. My regular perception of time gets thrown out of the window, which is ironic as time plays a huge part in performing music.

The insight became quite obvious to me. As much as I really wanted to carry on playing (perhaps due to some unconscious stresses about the looming recital), it was vital that I hung up the guitar for the day. I've heard plenty of stories about guitarists who have lost their ability to play completely due to things like arthritis. But when I picked up the guitar today, I was thankful to discover that my speed was back on form. It was worth stopping the day before.

For me, music is such a great metaphor for life in general. It challenges both body and mind to produce something beautiful. Not necessarily because the world needs it. But simply because it feels right. Just like an athlete would stop training once they become too fatigued to continue, the musician must stop practicing when the body can't take it anymore. Rest is just as important as work. Yin to the Yang.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 137 | Repeated Exposure

Theory: The more often you are exposed to a certain situation or activity, you will naturally become better at being in that situation.

Applying it: Don't be put off by situations that you are uncomfortable with. Instead, seek those opportunities out and be aware of how your mind and body react in that scenario.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I've said everything that I want to say about a particular teaching or topic. This entry will therefore be short and sweet. However, it's nice to remind myself of these lessons as I go through life because there will definitely be times where I've forgotten certain lessons.

This one is related to the recital that is ONE WEEK AWAY! AARGH! Exciting times! In preparation for the recital, I've got 4 gigs lined up this week. One of which I performed today. The theory is that with lots of exposure to public performance the week leading up to the final recital, I will have improved on and overcome any anxieties that might get in my way. I've found this tactic to be the most useful in regards to dealing with anxiety. Even my social anxiety from first-year couldn't compete with my determination to be social and outgoing.

In a sense, that accounts for all habits with no distinction between good or bad. For example, a really bad habit that I have is to continuously aggravate my acne. I've actually bought a nutrition book which I'm hoping will reduce my acne levels drastically. But even then, reading the book and eating the food won't stop me from picking my face. Quite simply because it's a negative habit that I've acquired from my teenage years. I've got good at it!

It's extremely easy to understand but sometimes easy to forget. The surest way to get good at something is to keep exposing yourself to the action or behavior. The only way to become comfortable in certain situations is to put yourself in those situations and see things through until the end.

 

Pick of the day:

 

(Guy in the middle. That's all I'm saying.)

[Liam Johnson]

Currently going through a busy patch of gigs, exams, and guitar practice! Some interesting things have been happening regarding self-actualising in terms of paradigm shifts and larger-than-life visualisations. Can't wait to document them in more detail either tomorrow or the weekend. I've been eagerly wanting to write in this journal but this week is crunch week. It's all very exciting!

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 138 | Time To Catch Up!

So it's been a few days since my last entry, making it the biggest gap between entries so far. Things have been super busy but also super exciting. 4 back-to-back gigs and an exam out of the way. Now my main focus is the recital on Monday.

Turns out that I've been working up to this recital for 8 whole months. That feels incredible! I can't believe it's been such a long time. I've been doing a lot of prep for this recital and lots of practice. What I'm aiming to do more of now is more visualizations of the recital in the next few days, along with some thought conditioning.

I feel incredibly grateful to have put in the hard work beforehand. This journey has completely changed my outlook on life. If someone told me eight months ago that I would be performing some of the most challenging guitar pieces imaginable for my recital, I wouldn't have fully believed it. However, I maintained the faith that I could do anything that I put my mind towards. Now I am living proof of that philosophy. I actually can perform these pieces, and it's actually happening. That crazy visualization that I did at the start of my recital prep, which showed me what I would be capable of performing, has become a reality.

On another note, I experienced several short bursts of enlightenment. It's reassuring that more and more frequently, the realization of the present moment in its entirety has appeared to me. It's almost like a rebirth. Who you thought you once was suddenly becomes wiped away in light of the present moment. It also feels like I'm becoming even more open-minded as I gradually become uncertain about what is true in this existence.

Despite how hectic the last few days have been, I'm in a pretty wonderful place right now. I don't feel stressed particularly and after a good long sleep last night, I don't feel exhausted. Just gotta keep doing what I do and maybe kick some ass at this recital!

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Entry 139 | Gossip

Theory: If there was ever a certified method of losing your friends, it would be developing the habit of gossip.

Applying it: Remember the old adage - "If you have something bad to say about someone, don't say it at all."

 

One of the things I do my best to avoid is gossiping about other people. The only times I feel it necessary to talk about other people is when I'm coming from a place of love. For example, I'll happily talk about the goodness of the people I come into contact with no constraint. Or maybe I'll talk about my worries regarding my flatmates struggling to get a house. This latter example is true and this journal entry will focus on them.

After observing my flatmates gossiping over half a year now, I feel like I have witnessed the negative effects of their behaviors and how it has destructed their relationships with each other and also myself. They have been gossiping (or more accurately, bitching) behind each other's backs for around 8 months now and they appear to be arguing with each other directly now. They are only just becoming aware of the deteriorating relationships with each other but, in reality, they have been deteriorating ever since they began the bitching.

I don't mean to condemn them here. In fact, I've tried on multiple occasions to suggest to them that it would be better to speak directly to each other, rather than behind their backs. But there's only so many hints you can give. Instead, I've watched them slowly disintegrate their relationship with each other and I regret to say that it has impacted me too. The negative effects of gossip, as well as the reason why my relationship with them is also deteriorating, can be summarized in the answer to one question: "If they always talk about each other behind their backs, then what are the chances that they are doing the same with me?"

Nobody wants to be friends with someone who is two-faced. And as much as they have tried to tell me that they have never said a bad word about me, I can't find the will-power to accept that as the truth. But I'm fine with whatever the situation is. I just wanted to document the negative impacts of gossip on relationships. If ever negative thoughts appear in relation to others, it's best to not act upon them by verbalizing them. Just let them be, see through the bullshit, and move on.

 

Pick of the day:

 

 

[Liam Johnson]

Hmmm... Is it possible to find the truth in any and every statement?