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fopylo

How do I live through myself

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Literally always when I'm in a group setting I have lots of thoughts running in my head trying to survive and find ways to connect to people, thinking of things to say, having the "need" to talk to the people. This really gets me focused on others and not on myself. I interact with people but it feel quite fake.

(By the way my 2 roommates just came in as I was writing this and I felt a "wave" of realness in me for a moment while talking with them as I stopped writing for a moment).

 

Ok so I just spent a lot of time with the people here. I have the problem that it is hard for me to slow the rythm of mind. It is always rushing, like always. All the time looking for interactions, stuff to do - but out of some fear, not authentic.

For the same reason it is hard for me to literally sit quietly somewhere just to post something here (I literally went out of the building to the quite road at night to write this. I just don't feel that rushed). For the same reason I can't truthfully speak what I feel, but rather add many layers of thought and stray away from what's true, I've experienced it because I realize that I tend to use my mind when speaking about 'personal' stuff rather than the heart. It is also the reason why it is hard for me to engage in a video game, to throw myself into it, immerse myself. Also to immerse myself in a story someone is telling - always thinking if I'll be able to deliver what I want to say without people interrupting - it's a very tiresome game.

For some reason today I had quite a lot of energy to withstand "faking" myself. Like I said earlier, I sense that I am not living through myself when with others. Here's a great way to explain it: You know how when you're in your room alone with your laptop and you have this quite time and feel in your comfort environment? So I am very incapable of having this feeling of security when with others.

Please help me. I'm living like this for a long time. The only good news is that my awareness and understanding of what's happening is getting better and better, but ultimately, I still struggle living myself fully and *truly* with others.

 

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Care more about how you feel than what other people might think. Notice that’s always what you’re thinking, and in owning the judgment it ‘come into the light of awareness’… and the emotions and specifically doubt are clearer. As in, you begin to realize how you are creating how you feel, and you lean toward not judging yourself via what you think other people might think. 

Inspect the fear on paper, not ‘in your head’. Write about what you’re afraid of. If you do this thoroughly what you were afraid of disappears /  is realized to only have been what you were focusing on / thinking. 

I’d also write about relationships with parents etc growing up, and look to discover and realize things like where the focus on needing validation or approval began. That can also help unravel it. 

Also you mentioned when talking with people it’s hard to focus on yourself. Try not trying to focus on yourself. Be curious, inquisitive, interested in someone while talking with them. Ask them questions about themself or their experiences, or simply how they like this or that. Use that engagement as a break from focusing on yourself, and feel the relief of doing so. 

Also, don’t use other people’s concepts like authority, authenticity, survival, realness, etc against yourself, or, as your means to create doubt or impatience. 

Use the emotional scale, it works. Start with whatever emotion you’re experiencing, like fear or doubt, and express that you are feeling it, and then express that when you feel that emotion, you feel the next one higher on the scale. Finish the scale each time you use it / go all the way to the top. And don’t skip any emotions on the scale. 

Also comes to mind, from Byron Katie, there is your business, their business & God’s business. I think that is a clear way to frame up experience for you presently. Gotta let other people’s thoughts & words be their business. 

You could also try exposure. Bring to mind what you’re afraid of someone saying to you, and have someone say it to you. You might feel the trigger or reaction. Then relax the whole body and feel breathing from your stomach, so you can see & experience that the reaction comes & goes. You’ll see more clearly how & why it’s triggering. Repeat that until you’re not triggered, but feeling lighter and hopefully laughing as it clicks that there’s just no use in trying to control what you have no control over (what anyone thinks or says). And there is much use in controlling what you do have control over (what you think, focus on, and say). It’s a bit like having a fear of bee’s, and then just purposefully getting stung. It stings, but you realize it’s not as bad as you were making it out to be. 

But you gotta do / experience this stuff. Just thinking about it doesn’t change anything. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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@Nahm exactly what this guy wrote

 

just watch the rushing is just repressed unconscious arousal trash playing itself out, basically other people are triggering thing inside of yourself that you lack awareness to understand and work on, but just fully realize they are triggering a part of you that when you're by yourself, this isn't activated.

basically if you imagine everyone as a mirror, when you're alone you're comfortable because there's no mirrors to reflect what is repressed, when we come into contact with people it triggers things and we assume it's the people

we often project onto the people because we lack the awareness we are doing it to ourselves. by projecting we keep the trigger persisting instead of taking responability and looking inside of yourself to understand why in certain social contexts, the way certain people look and act trigger parts of you and make you feel really aroused and uncomfortable. 

this is what you have to do, and shadow work is a good concept to go into to understand this

if you struggle so much being yourself is because you haven't really accepted yourself yet, you get too identified with the emotions arising when you want to express yourself through your heart and not the prison in your mind 

only with awareness and expressing will to take action knowing the right thing to do despite your emotional state VS aversion to uncomfortable emotions surfacing from triggers that you identify with and believe it's you so you take the course of action's based on how you feel


just be here, if you can do it this moment you can do it the next moment

this is the now, now is all that is real, the truth is now, not your concept or experience, just this

is there suffering in this ? work to be done young jedi. me

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@catcat69123 ?? 

@fopylo

Also comes to mind… the approach of “the secret”. Sometimes when we haven’t yet accepted something about ourselves we make a secret out of it in a way, and feel ashamed, and don’t want anyone to ‘find out’ or know our secret and judge or not accept us. This can make it seem like we have to be overly critical and always on guard so no one finds out. But no matter what, if it is, whatever it is, it is something to embrace, love, & nourish. Often, the more unique / rare / or specific whatever the aspect could be, the more we ‘keep the secret’. But in truth, the variety, the uniqueness of us, both in our preferences and our experiences, is the greatest. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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