The Script

[ivankiss]

Drawn back into the origin-vortex
Uprooted and ground to dust
Retracted into anti-existence
A magnet repelled by life's polarity

[ivankiss]

In dreams it speaks to me of the truth that means reality 

[ivankiss]

Power. Creation. Selfcare.

Huehuehue

[ivankiss]

Last night, the meeting with that potential new friend, was cancelled. We both were not feeling like it. The weather was crappy.

I'm glad and relieved, that it wasn't only me who wasn't into it. It's better this way. I simply have no time, space, energy or interest in making friends now. I'm too goal-oriented. Too focused. And a new friend could be the perfect distraction. Not to mention partying, girls, and everything else that would probably come with it.

All I need now is to be left alone, to do my shit. I'm too busy for noticing anything else.

[ivankiss]

Nowhere indefinitely

Not dead, not alive
Existence-patterns ripped of symmetry

As will and fate divide

[ivankiss]

The only reason a thought pictured in your mind does not materialize instantaneously, is because you have created an antagonist.

Deconstruction of the cynic. Death of doubt, uncertainty, fear.

That is how you close the gap.

[ivankiss]

Still not scripting in detail, but here's a little something, for much needed motivation.

I have two visions of my DR home in Thailand. One option is a dreamy, isolated forest house.. and the other is a fancy apartment, with a breath-taking view. Both options are doable. Will speculate about it a bit more. I love nature, but I'm also a city-boi... so it's kind of a tough call lol.

My girlfriend, as mentioned, is cute AF. 

These images are a very, very close representation of my visions.

Exciting!

Edited October 30, 2021 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Not gonna lie, this WR phase is tough. I'm often having thoughts of quitting and going back to my former life. Which was not that bad, but it was not what I really wanted, either. 

I'm giving up a lot... I have no friends here, no fuck buddies or anything like that, no long, wild nights, no fancy apartment... this phase is just about working my ass off. Both at my job and outside of it. I have a lot of stuff to secure and perfect before making the jump to my DR. It's challenging AF. But it's doable. And it will be more than worth it, I know.

I'm doing my best to stay on the positive side of the spectrum, and not focus on what I'm leaving behind, but what's yet to come.

Waiting room... yup... such a perfect way to put it.

Edited October 30, 2021 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

THE NOOSE

So glad to see you well
Overcome and completely silent now
With heavens help you cast your demons out

And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your amends
To the dead
To the dead

Recall the deeds as if they're all
Someone else's atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn before us all
So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about making your amends
To the dead
To the dead

With your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down

To choke you now

[ivankiss]

Why am I doing all this? Why do I strive for more? Well, I don't know...

It could be because I have something to prove to myself... That I can. That I am capable. That I have it in me what it takes. That I can overcome any challenge life has to throw at me. That I am worthy of receiving all the gifts and blessings. That my wishes matter. That I matter. My story. My dreams.

I could settle for less. I'm sure I could.

I could find serenity in having nothing, doing nothing, being no one. I could settle for less. I could be satisfied with a small room for myself, a roof over my head and a piece of bread on my table. Maybe even less.

All my heart really wants to do, is create. Make beautiful, unique art and share it with the world. And I could do that without all these flashy things I wish for.

But I want more.

Fuck me, I do. Maybe I'm damned or cursed, but I cannot deny it. I want more from life. More from this journey. More from this opportunity to be and be heard. Some may call it 'ego' or whatever, and to that I say... fuck you. Mkay? You know nothing. You have no idea what it's like to have something truly outstanding and incredible to share with the world that could change it forever, and be repeatedly pulled down, devalued and underestimated. You have no idea what it's like to give your whole life, flesh and blood, heart and soul for this one thing... for one instance... one moment... One song.

It is so sad and so beautiful at the same time, no man could ever bare it. It is an energy that gives birth to planets and stars. It is a power that could tear an entire galaxy apart. 

It is God's heart beating. Beating for every single note played, every single word spoken. It is how and why anything is or isn't, at all.

I don't need a reason. It's just who I am.

And so it is.

[ivankiss]

A MOMENT OF CLARITY

I would describe it as an invisible darkness
Casting a shadow, a blinding black
Guarded by hope, my soul is kept safe from
The bloody claws

Look to beyond, what vision lets me see
Time after time, unneeded misery
My dreams I own, no price for you
I grip them tight and hope for sight

Open my eyes wide to see a moment of clarity
Confusion gone, it's in your hands
Your turn to ask why

Life is like a mystery
With many clues, but with few anwers
To tell us what it is that we can do to look
For messages that keep us from the truth

Look to beyond, what vision lets me see
Time after time, unneeded misery
My dreams I own, no price for you
I grip them tight and hope for sight

Open my eyes wide to see a moment of clarity
Confusion gone, it's in your hands
Your turn to ask why

Oh God, why

[ivankiss]

Within a few months I will have everything that I need to make the jump. Mainly; I will have that money. It cannot be done without it. And I cannot get to it as fast as I want without giving up on all these things. Without the sacrifice. Without blood, sweat and tears.

It's the biggest step forward that I'm doing. It's a threshold that when crossed, there is no more going back. No place for regret. 

But I fear, that once I do get there, I will no longer wish for it. I will no longer desire to do the things I desire now. 

Where changes happen, they happen at the speed of Light. Where there is stillness, there is no longing, no desire, no purpose and no will. No vision. No dream.

How else could the Infinite express itself, but through eternal change? 

It's all as it has to be. I'm doing everything that I must do. That I want to do, ultimately. And even if a change of heart happens once I reach that threshold, at least my pockets will not be empty. At least I will have what to invest into anything that I choose to invest in.

All in all, I'm loving the crap out of this journey. The struggle, the pain, the confusion, the cravings... Everything. 

But all those roles demand 100% commitment. That's how experience is. You cannot be out with one foot. You cannot pretend like it's not real. You cannot cling to any high truth you have previously realized. There is none of that when you commit to the experience. There is only what's true for you in that moment. And that can look and feel like anything. 

Cursing and hating, yelling and crying, laughing and smiling, and even being totally blissed out... it's all Truth. As long as it's true for you, when the moment shines.

Thy Will Be Done.

[ivankiss]

Why do I value experience in all of it diversity so much? I need it for art. For that masterpiece. For the realization of the dream.

I must accumulate wisdom. 

I must let life show me all its hidden corners, where treasure is waiting in plain sight.

[ivankiss]

I, VOYAGER

If you view life as a mission
For truth and purity in vision
You can become as the anointed
And fade away from the disjointed

In observation, I analyze
All the aspects of humanity that I despise

I am the voyager
I have tasted pleasures of the flesh
And drunk the pleasures of the mind
To reach the point I've attained
Clear focused and defined

Those who don't create dictate
The structure of our world and preach hate
Drifting out of languid boredom
To destroy the structure of our kingdom

In observation, I analyze
All the aspects of humanity that I despise

I am the voyager
I have tasted pleasures of the flesh
And drunk the pleasures of the mind
To reach the point I've attained
Clear focused and defined

If you live life draped in sorrow
You will destroy the path we follow
Take my hand and walk in wonder
The patterns spin in random order

In observation, I analyze
All the aspects of humanity that I despise

I am the voyager
I have tasted pleasures of the flesh
And drunk the pleasures of the mind
To reach the point I've attained
Clear focused and defined
I am the voyager
I, Voyager

[ivankiss]

In short;

You must be a real badass motherfucker if you want to climb the mountain without safety nets.

You must have balls of steel to jump into the deep unknown.

[ivankiss]

I clearly rock at committing to these roles.

I am completely immersed.

But then, when I snap out and wake up, stuff like this happens:

In and out, up and down, in all possible directions. Access to and freedom in ALL.

[ivankiss]

The I, I see in You

[ivankiss]

What you are trying to do, you are already doing. 

Don't try to get there. See yourself as it.

[ivankiss]

A crucial ingredient to this vibration cocktail:

Even if this reality I'm currently in is just a 'waiting room', I must fully settle into it. I must make myself feel home.

I think this has been bothering me a bit these days. I know this is only a station. A bridge to my DR. And that's why I kinda want to rush through the experience, as fast as possible. To reach my DR as soon as possible.

And that creates a lot of tension.

I must slow down a bit and appreciate the details of this experience, too. There is a lot to notice. A lot to be grateful for. A lot of my wishes already came true. And more are coming true with each passing moment.

I am taking control, a lot. But I should also know when to let go, relax, and appreciate the unfolding. There can be less interference.

 

[ivankiss]

I definitely do not yet realize the full potential of this journal. I definitely do not yet see the power it holds. 

And that's good. Very, very good.