Admitting Fear is almost always there

[Thought Art]

My mind always finds something to worry about or cling to. I refuse to live the rest of my life afraid of what anyone thinks of me. I want to live a good life. I've shown I have courage, but also a lot of fear and cowardice. I won't die a fucking coward.

I might not make it as a musician... Reality seems to be kicking me in the ass... But, I will find some way of being successful and enjoying my life.

I sometimes think about killing myself because reality is just too scary, to complex and the life I want seems too far away.. lost the the sea of missed opportunity due to my own stupidity. It's times like this I feel anger with God for giving my passion and dreams, but also mental health problems and parents who weren't able to raise me to be strong. 

I am 25, I am sort of young... but only 5 years of middle aged. Once I am middle age, I sometimes wonder if life is worth living..

I had so many set backs due to my own shit psyche and immaturity... working that this is very painful. I am grateful for the skills and habits I have to relaxing myself.

I am the only person who can make myself brave, strong, etc... In the end I am just cosmic dust anyway. I am so tired of being scared of humiliation, or to say something that is wrong, or offensive, or crazy, or stupid. I am tired of ruminating on past mistakes, future consequences and worst case scenerios.

I notice this often, and am taking more and more steps to clean up my mind. But, I just simply don't know what the future holds and I dislike that.

I am learning everyday to relax, deeper and deeper. Yet, fear remains, uncertainty remains, long days, nights and weeks remain. It's hard as fuck being a human. Especially one with a big dream. I want to live in heaven, and I guess it's worth the ultimate price. But, then again maybe doing nothing and just relaxing as much as possible in my free time is the closest thing to heaven I can get. I think I am learning so much... I don't want to share it with you though. Because, honestly I am still scared of people. Scared of failure and success. 

There is no guarantees. That being said, I also need a long term vision. I hate living in fear, self pity, guilt, shame, seeing some successful guy failing or being caught in a scandal and then imagining myself going through that again and again and how awful it would be.

I am working to reprogram my mind. But, my survival instinct is strong. 

Humanity, I don't trust you at all.

Ultimately, a clear mind and free time would be the greatest success I can get. I would use to become a fountain of love. But, I would love to make my music a reality. It's all my heart desires, but I don't know if it's possible. Maybe not in this life. I still don't fully appreciate God being infinite and yet having to deal with the shit it dreamt up for me to deal with.

Hopefully, death is amazing.. Life is great, but it's scary as fuck. Nothing seems like it's going to change that anytime soon. I guess I will have to just do it scared. 

Will I fail at life? I don't know. Life doesn't seem to care what happens to me. It seems I have infinite time to play around though.. So I might as well.

But for now, I am poor, limited, weak, immature, unwise and scared.

Growing... but scared. I don't want to work a 9-5 for many years. If that seems like it's all I am left to do, I will kill myself. I refuse to be a slave to something that is some BS job for the rest of my life. It's not worth being alive if that is the case. But, being a success also seems terrifying. I seem to be left to only options that are terrifying. Why would a loving God create this? I can see the love often, but sometimes I wonder.

Edited August 22, 2021 by Thought Art

[ted73104]

15 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

My mind always finds something to worry about or cling to. I refuse to live the rest of my life afraid of what anyone thinks of me. I want to live a good life. I've shown I have courage, but also a lot of fear and cowardice. I won't die a fucking coward.

If you are constantly worried about something, you probably haven't found the source of your fear, which I believe in your case is deep within your consciousness.

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I sometimes think about killing myself because reality is just too scary, to complex and the life I want seems too far away.. lost the the sea of missed opportunity due to my own stupidity. It's times like this I feel anger with God for giving my passion and dreams, but also mental health problems and parents who weren't able to raise me to be strong. 

I think we can see the source of your fear here. Your fear is basically that your current self image is totally incapable of living life to the fullest according to your standards. You also feel that you are far away from where you want to be. You cannot be yourself, because when you do, you feel that the self image you are presenting is not that of the successful self image you wish to portray. And when you are able to be yourself, you are constantly observing your behavior because you hate it when you behave in a stupid or shameful way.

Unfortunately your parents were not able to give you a strong self image, which is a condition most people are in.

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I am 25, I am sort of young... but only 5 years of middle aged. Once I am middle age, I sometimes wonder if life is worth living..

We all have a dream life where we want to enjoy life when we're young, but don't worry, you will still be young in your thirties. Also, getting older will allow you to see other aspects in life where you've not seen before when you were young, things that are more important than success, fame, or any kind of worldly experiences (traveling, dating, etc.).

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I had so many set backs due to my own shit psyche and immaturity... working that this is very painful. I am grateful for the skills and habits I have to relaxing myself.

It is good to know you're able to calm yourself down under this pain you are enduring.

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I am the only person who can make myself brave, strong, etc... In the end I am just cosmic dust anyway. I am so tired of being scared of humiliation, or to say something that is wrong, or offensive, or crazy, or stupid. I am tired of ruminating on past mistakes, future consequences and worst case scenerios.

I notice this often, and am taking more and more steps to clean up my mind. But, I just simply don't know what the future holds and I dislike that.

I know this is very difficult, but the solution to your problems is to accept yourself, fully accepting your self-image, when you say something wrong or stupid. Your dream image of yourself is just too perfect, do you even know anyone who has the dream image you wish to be like? Anything short of your dream image in your behaviors and appearances give you a sense of deep humiliation. To resolve your fear, you need to learn to accept these behaviors that lead to "humiliation" as behaviors that are totally okay. Because in reality, I believe you are totally okay even when you act stupid or awkwardly. 

What you are often doing is trying to prevent your "wrong or stupid" actions from appearing. However I can tell you this method doesn't work, it even will prevent you from growing yourself and developing your behaviors into what you wish them to be. This is because you are denying yourself the chance to train yourself. When you express yourself in a way you feel to be humiliating, your mindset immediately switches to a judgement mentality and in this process you eventually prevent yourself from trying to express your true self because you don't want to receive the same judgement again. But this does not work, you need space to fully be what you are now and express those wrong and stupid behaviors. Those wrong and stupid behaviors are totally cool, and as you can gradually accept your current self image, you'll have more room for creativity in your life to use positive motivations for growth and change.

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I am learning everyday to relax, deeper and deeper. Yet, fear remains, uncertainty remains, long days, nights and weeks remain. It's hard as fuck being a human. Especially one with a big dream. I want to live in heaven, and I guess it's worth the ultimate price. But, then again maybe doing nothing and just relaxing as much as possible in my free time is the closest thing to heaven I can get. I think I am learning so much... I don't want to share it with you though. Because, honestly I am still scared of people. Scared of failure and success. 

Damn, I used to be in this condition when I left my church. I thought that I wasted my entire life and was unworthy of anything. I just didn't realize that my life has just restarted and how amazing it could be. You're not really scared of people, you are scared of yourself. No one thinks that you have a problem, they are totally okay with you. And the people who think you are dumb and stupid? Those folks are just like you, projecting their own problems onto other people, so don't really mind those folks. 

The very delicious thing to understand here is that it is you who is scared of yourself. It is you who hates yourself and is constantly judging and condemning yourself. It is only you who thinks that you are unworthy. We all need to learn the art of loving ourselves in life, and it is not easy.

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I am working to reprogram my mind. But, my survival instinct is strong. 

Humanity, I don't trust you at all.

You need to learn how to trust yourself, and the way is to like yourself in the ways when you would normally judge or feel shameful about yourself. Resolve your inner conflicts.

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Hopefully, death is amazing.. Life is great, but it's scary as fuck. Nothing seems like it's going to change that anytime soon. I guess I will have to just do it scared. 

Will I fail at life? I don't know. Life doesn't seem to care what happens to me. It seems I have infinite time to play around though.. So I might as well.

The world is not again you. All life is not against you. You are 25 and man are you young! Your life has just started, you only need to get out of the narrow mindset that you have about yourself and embrace the infinite possibilities. Good luck!