Daily Emotional State

[Preety_India]

A woman who uses the word rape is a big deal to you ?

But a man using the word rape is not a big deal ??????????????

So a woman should simply shut herself up.

 

But that's not me 

Today I cried thinking about how women are constantly manipulated in this world to suit the world's agenda.

It brought tears to my eyes how different groups of women are constantly discriminated and demonized and marginalized.

It's sickening to my heart.

 

This forum can silence women as much as it wants.

But the world out there cannot silence women.

I'm grateful to mainstream media for being totally feminist and total Gangsta.

All the red pill bullshit can only exist in sneaky dingy places..

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

In order for me to feel Emotionally sober and clean

I will need to take out all the toxins that are hurting me inside.

 

These toxins are coming from different corners of my environment.

I have to throw these toxins into the fire so I'm freed of them.

One way is to first closely identify and touch on the things that are deeply bothering me 

Bring it to the surface.

My introversion doesn't allow me to bring my inner wounds to the surface

 They remain stuck inside.

Suppressed.

Journaling tends to bring up the deepest wounds to the surface.

That's where my introversion is directly challenged and exposed 

The first step is to directly confront my wounds and those things that have always been bothering me 

The next step is to vomit it out completely, the way you vomit out poisonous food 

The more I explore what hurts me the most, the better I'm at exposing and confronting these wounds.

Expressing these wounds is extremely important. It's the second step.

It means you have identified these wounds and then allowed these wounds to be known to your prefrontal cortex, your main communicative brain..the brain now knows what's hurting you, loud and clear.

Next is to completely dump it. Keep dumping all of it as much as you can.

Let it be separated from you..when you dump it, it is separated from you in that moment.. you no longer own those wounds you no longer keep those wounds.

And then comes your awakening of those toxins you had been internalising for so long.

All these toxins that you were creating internal turmoil and tension.

And finally you can leave your old skin and undergo metamorphosis and get new comfortable happy skins.

 

That's the road to both healing and awakening and liberation.

 

When I'm talking about awakening,I'm not talking about the new agey awakening, I'm referring to intellectual growth through learning and dropping old useless/dysfunctional perspectives and gaining new useful perspectives and insights that help your journey 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

A light-hearted moment.

I find two names on this forum really cute 

Those are playdoh and space Coyote..wish it was spacey coyote

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My new direction in life is absolutely beautiful.

It's about empathy and compassion.

I love my new matured direction.

 

Thanks to all the sociopathic negativity I faced.

I grew up because of that.

I no longer feel like I have to impress anyone 

I feel self reliant.

The cherry on top is that I no longer have to be trapped by social validation.

It's completely fine if nobody likes me.

Those who try to impress are simply those who are inauthentic and give into peer pressure.

They will never truly grow because they will never face the hostility I faced.

I showed bravery. Of course I will be rewarded..

And finally I received my reward.

There is a popular proverb in Urdu.

It goes like this.

Himmat-E-Marda to Madad-E-Khuda 

It means that when a man dares, God helps. 

I showed my bravery and never gave up 

Even if I die, God will always know that I died as a braveheart.

But God rewarded my bravery with authenticity and truth. God showed me a mirror of the world to liberate me from illusions and let me be my authentic self. 

The hostility I faced showed me the true face of things. Of course because I had the bravery to confront and look for truth rather than validation.

Thus I'm moving closer and closer to authenticity. Not living a life being fooled. Not living in denial.

This hostility is a gift. 

It is a warning, like God bringing a small storm to keep me protected fr bigger storms 

God keeping me away from severely dangerous poisons by making me taste a lighter poison.

Because God wants to protect me. This is his message for me.

This is God's work. Let's say it's Allah's work..

 

 

[Preety_India]

It's an abusive environment, not a supportive one.

Just a list of opinions.

 

[Preety_India]

In such places only Stage Orange people can be revered and admired.

 

[Preety_India]

Since the person was removed from the platform, I was affected by it indirectly for 1 whole week 

 

Like wow 

 

Just not good 

Just be careful 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I have to keep tracking my emotions from time to time. 

This is necessary to allow some consistency with my emotional state and create a flow where I would know when I fall off the track.

 

[Preety_India]

My experiences have shaped my brain in a way I can't define.

I feel.freer than before.

Like peaceful.

 

[Preety_India]

Whenever a situation of conflict arises, say to myself 

"I don't want to be a part of conflict " and move away from it.

 

[Preety_India]

Because I'm so sensitive, everything is a bit extra difficult for me.

When I feel hurt.

It continues the next day

The next day

The next day

The next day

It goes on forever.

And my reaction is to kinda close off completely and never come out again

 

 

[Preety_India]

I was imagining a hospital environment where I'm living with 10/20 other people in a ward of beds. 

And I would offer a rose to each one of those patients. And make them laugh and we would all be super friendly to each other and live like a happy community. 

We would love and respect each other.

I would be so gentle to all those people and care so much about them.

It would be such a peaceful place to be and to love with brotherhood would be my greatest goal.

 

[Preety_India]

Islam teaches that you be with those who are faithful and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

 

[Preety_India]

Are you feeling better now?

Yupp.

 

All the anxiety is getting drained out of my blood.

 

[Preety_India]

Feeling guilty, embarassed and grateful at the same time

 

[Preety_India]

Feeling guilty embarassed and grateful at the same time part 2

 

[Preety_India]

 

Feeling guilty, embarassed and grateful at the same time.

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Feeling guilty, embarassed and grateful at the same time

Ok I have to use font size 18 for bold.

Because the other ones are quite large.

 

Before coming to the topic, a short note.

 

 

 

I saw these images posted on the forum. And these images remind me of my Ayahuasca experiences with my boyfriend back in 2019 and how thrilled I was. Lots of fractal images and feelings like everything is very real..the foliage appearing dark green and as real and 3-D it can appear.

Never did Ayahuasca again after that. I was afraid of going deeper.

Now coming to the topic -

I am looking back at all of my past behaviours and realising that they were very embarassing in terms of intellectual growth and maturity, not in the sense where I did something wrong, those behaviours weren't objectively wrong and in fact in a more nascent sense, they were comically good and childishly innocent with a grain of truth in them, only that they were enacted in the most childish fashion yet they were apparently amateurish and lacking in tact but full of virtue in a theatrical manner, Hamlet style. They represented the child in me, the smart quick witted, diligent, brave child in me. At the same time, it came with a tinge of naivete and bravado. Which totally reduced it's internal value to zero and not being taken seriously.its like child suddenly shouting in a crowd and everyone laughs but the child speaks the truth. 

Now when I reflect back on it, it was very impish and innocently naive and lacked both tact and smartness. There was simply no discretion or the maturity that older women generally tend to exhibit. Now being a young woman and enjoying my youth, it's kinda hard for me to think like an old woman. Yet I can see how an older woman will perceive my actions, as being childishly gimmicky and overly brazen. And she will rather look at me with pity than Pride.

This is understandable and maybe I can try placing myself in her shoes and try to look at how she is going to look at me.

I'm in my 20s and I'm talking about an older woman who is in her 40s. 

And if I place myself in her shoes I can see why she would look at me with pity.

So I kinda feel embarrassed in a way and a bit guilty. Sort of a killjoy

However at the same time I'm proud of my raw, cutthroat and primal way of looking at things, completely uninhibited.

I think my own rawness with things has helped me learn more which wouldn't have been possible if I were to be too diplomatic with things.

My childish primal nature exposed me to truths that would have never come to me otherwise

It helped me understand the dark side of humanity rather than put a cover on it and explain it away in frivolous ways.

I wasn't vague. I was as raw as I could get.

My insistence to get to the bottom of the truth has taken me very far in life 

I am a very paradoxical person.

So even if it appears that I'm immature on top, deep down my maturity is revealed in the truths I have learned about this world.

I glean from my experience by being open and uninhibited than being coy about it 

 

Edited July 2, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

In me you will find a poet.

In me you'll find a poet.

I have so many deep yearnings, I want to learn, I want to be curious, as curious as a child, as brave as a mountain, as fiery as a storm, as deep as the oceans, as light as the streams. 

I want to keep exploring people, the world, cultures, dynamics and the beauty of life and living. I have many butterflies within me that are ready to fly and reach places that I haven't explored yet. I want to be a genius, I'm a genius. And this is not to inflate my ego, this is my passion. This is my fruit. 

I have a silent poet within me, as silent as the river, as fiery as a storm.

 

Edited July 2, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I want to bring a sort of superiority to my stance.