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How to balance this relationship issue:

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Posted (edited)

So I'm finding myself stuck in paralysis by analysis. I feel as though I need to be emotionally mature enough before I start initiating relationships of any kind. I feel it is dangerous to involve myself in any type of relationship deeply, as I'm still currently developing myself emotionally & spiritually. However, I do still have sexual needs & it becomes very frustrating to not have that need met. You may think that fwb & hookups would be the way to go, however I find it difficult to participate in that without some kind of emotional connection. Is there any tips to better enjoy the hookup/fwb process? It seems as though it is a necessary step in developing one's sexual experience, stature, & well-being. Is it a necessary step for sexual maturity? Why is it a necessary step? 

It seems patience is the way to go, as well as learning how to better emotionally connect with people, but some practical tips on how to do these would be much appreciated

What would you advise? What are your thoughts? How do you personally go about this issue?

Thank you for any help :)

Edited by Zion

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The perspective you need is one of shortage, lack, incompleteness... and possibly even of unfairness… but is sustained, repeated, via the denial of what you want, and that you are wanting & do want. Think about what you want, instead of ‘yourself’, or, a ‘self’ which needs, which you are developing. (There is no actual experience of there being these “two of you”; the ‘developer’ & the ‘developed’). This apparent duality is never actually experienced, it is only apparent, as in seems so, in thoughts. 

If you didn’t believe you need, how could you experince the frustration of not having? Are you ever frustrated that you don’t have what you don’t believe you need? A milkshake for example is a pleasurable and satisfying (arguably) experience in terms of sensation and satiation… is it ‘a problem’ that you don’t have a milkshake? No, because you aren’t believing you need one. Do you want one…? Notice, in that reframe of want (rather than need), you’re ‘back’ in control (were the whole time). 

If you are knowing what you are wanting, you are able to recognize resistant thoughts against the having of it. Those resistant thoughts are self referential thoughts. They feel off because they reference an incomplete, or separate, ‘self’, which there isn’t. Then a paradigm flip can occur such as effortlessly letting go of the resistance simply because it neither makes logical sense nor feels good, rather than believing you’re ‘sometimes supposed to feel ‘off’ or ‘bad’…. And therefore must effort or ‘work past’ these thoughts, to experience relationships, intimacy, and sex. 

If I said I need to develop myself before I could ride a bike, you might tell me that the ‘development’ is the riding of the bike. I might wipe out a few times, but that’s the only way to learn, direct experience. What is ‘sexual maturity’, if not sexual experience? In the devil’s advocate sense… if I told you there were things I need before I could ride a bike… what would you tell me?

In regard to ‘emotionally connecting with people’, you might consider this is also a thought which has no actuality, and in believing it does you’re unknowingly creating - yet knowingly experiencing, emotional confusion. The emotional connection is found in none other than in the creating of the emotions; the discord or alignment between thoughts & feeling. Another person can never supplement that relationship, and when that relationship is solid, the world is your oyster. Potential sexual mates and significant others will intrinsically be attracted… because everyone desires that connection, that wholeness, that power. It is indeed within you, look for it there and you will find it in great abundance. 



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