Is Magic Real, After All?

[Progress]

@Anicko To be fair, Aliester Crowley was against Dogmas and cults. He was very into Spiritualism-Enlightenment meditation etc.

[Anicko]

@Progress Yes, I get the sense he was rather misunderstood. The YouTube videos trying to scare people into thinking he was the devil, really so funny. 

It's hard to understand why you suggested I look him up when you just wrote me one sentence, so I was a little confused what I was supposed to do with the information! 

[Anicko]

I am trying, currently, to work on forgiving myself some mistakes I've made. 

It's funny to try all these different views of the same situation, trying to find what fits right. 

True forgiveness is not what you think it is. It is so fucking hard to explain it right. 

It requires reliving that memory over and over, feeling that pain, humiliation, sadness... Over and over. When you just think about it doing it, it doesn't seem that hard. But when you do it, it's so awful. It is so much easier to watch a video. Play a game. Visit a forum. 

But if you stop that, and focus, you figure it out. You change your perspective, and suddenly you GET IT. Then the memory changes. Maybe you forget it completely, the way you probably don't remember much about life as a baby. As a baby, you knew what "forgive and forget" truly meant. And you don't even remember what that was like. 

It seems so weird! Totally cray. 

I can't help you understand if you haven't 'realized' yet. The idea might seem ridiculous, but to someone outside you might think karma is nuts. Believing in aliens is utterly insane. Global warming just isn't real. 

Sometimes I just don't know what to think. 

My life is not as glamorous as you might need it to be for you to believe me. But I'm starting to experience real joy. What we call happiness. And I can't make you understand until you feel it yourself. 

You aren't letting anyone off the hook for doing you wrong. Forgiveness does not mean what you think it does. It changes your memories so you don't have to remember anymore. 

I've successfully done it for so many things. If I recall the event, I'm not emotional about it any more. I can share my story with no attachment to it. You might not believe me that it happened because I'm so neutral. But that won't bother me either, because I don't need you too. 

It just brings true peace to your life. 

So when I think of something you did wrong, it's silly to put myself in my old shoes, so to speak. And you'll realize there are things you did manage to truly forgive, and it will be funny to you that you could have experienced that event other ways. Hard to explain. 

Forgiving myself is much more challenging sometimes, and maybe you'll realize this too. I have really embarrassing memories come up, and I just can't let them go. Why?? 

I think humiliation is one of the hardest things to let go for ourselves. It's hard to imagine viewing it as somehow funny, like you do for, say, your best friend farting in front of their crush in high school. If it's you, it's torture to sit through the memory and all the embarrassing gut-wrenching moments until something clicks, empathy fades, and the memory magically becomes only hilarious. If you look hard enough, you will remember the old "movie" in your old way, and you will laugh at yourself. 

Oh god, I'm getting so convoluted here. If you've felt it, you know what I'm talking about. If not, I hope you realize it soon. 

Too long; didn't read : Real forgiveness isn't what you think it is. Forgiving myself seems so much harder than forgiving other people. It's weird. 

[Anicko]

I don't even bother trying to defend myself anymore. Especially against attacks that are ridiculous and totally out of left field. 

I'll just shut my mouth. I don't owe any explanation. 

I know it drives you crazy, but it's definitely preferable over me allowing my buttons to be pushed, and going crazy myself. 

It is funny to see more than my own side to things, often it helps me realize the full picture, and if it can't be resolved, at least I can let it go. 

[Anicko]

Life is not easy. Everybody experiences fear, doubt, loss. I feel like forever I've been stuck just not knowing what I should do next. 

I realize some of the best moments in my life have been things I didn't have much input deciding how it was going to go. Being inspired, but not realizing it at the time. 

And I've gotten through some of the worst moments the easiest when I just flowed with whatever happened. 

It's a different experience when you are mindful of the whole thing. It's not easy to stay awake all the time, and I'll never know for sure if I did achieve such a lofty goal. The mind is a funny thing. 

I'm trying really hard to flow with my most recent "problems" and allow inspiration to pull me through it all. 

It's so hard to not let those old false self thoughts sound really comforting right now, but at the same time it all seems so ridiculous. 

I can't worry about any of it! Aaahhh. 

[Anicko]

I have had an interesting opportunity to watch someone try to do the self-improvement thing from an entirely physical perspective. 

It is hard to watch it all fall apart. 

I have tried to 'help', but as you all surely know, other people don't want our help. Not the way we can/should help anyway. 

It is interesting to watch that other person actually lose their battle, but still cling hard to excuses and to the stupid beliefs they picked up from "experts". 

You can't fix things if you don't do the inner work first and properly. The results and changes you see when you focus on the physical are lies you tell yourself, and the positive changes won't last forever. 

It's so easy to blame anything other than yourself. "Oh, things suck now because I stopped going to the gym every day. If I just start doing that again...". But that's a lie because if you actually loved it, you wouldn't have stopped in the first place. And it's actually okay to admit that you don't love it. Plus, you conveniently blinded yourself to all the problems caused by your focus on the outer. You didn't notice that you were actually moving away from finding your true self or connecting with other people's. 

Try to find people in your life that are doing this to themselves. Look deeply and learn from it. It's also an excellent opportunity to watch your mind for judgments. 

[Anicko]

Two entries in one day? Yes! I've been getting over that funk, but there's parts still lingering, and I have free time to think today. 

I love it when the pieces just start falling together. I start to get a sense that everything actually will be okay. 

Peeeeaaace. 

I start to realize what things mean, how things work. I still have moments of doubt in lots of areas, but then I'm gifted moments of quiet. My mind starts working right, and I gain clarity and insights, moments of perspective shift, and it's SO HUGE, you don't even know it until your old mind seems to be the crazy one. 

Life is 80% so perfect right now, and most of the non-perfect parts are on their way out or a valuable source of learning for me if I can just get the perspective right. The problems solve themselves after that. I've seen it, I know that's the truth. And if you see it too, then you'll know what I mean. 

[Anicko]

I kind of want to talk about the Law of Attraction. I don't think that's a great name for whatever it is, it makes it right off sound so far out there. But there is definitely something that is true about it, I think anyway. 

Since I've been aware that I'm paying attention, so many things have happened to, and for, me. 

I prefer to remain open-minded. I don't know that I believe there's some sort of force at work, but I do see how powerful our minds and beliefs are. Maybe someday I'll understand it better. 

Anyways, I feel like everywhere I look I'm finding hints of inspiration and direction. I try not to take anything too seriously, but I'm trying to figure out what it all means. 

I feel like I'm being called to let go, just flow with whatever happens. 

I love love love my new job already, and it's an amazing opportunity for me when I'm done with school. I could be afraid of it, so easily. 

School is going fabulously, and every single time I feel like doubting myself instead I find proof that I'm incredibly capable and I have the ability to gain new skills easily simply because I want to. 

I know I'm on the right path, sometimes it just seems so impossibly hard. 

But, anyways. I did this fun little LoA manifestation thing (some video on YouTube), and I swear, I am finding pennies more and more. Sometimes even bigger change than just pennies. 

If nothing else, it's fun, and it serves as a valuable reminder to me. Everything is going to be just fine. 

[Anicko]

I feel like an almost different person today. I've had all sorts of things happen in my life, and experienced a whole lot of struggle. 

Something has changed. Memories aren't the same anymore. The pain is gone. 

Sometimes the world feels like a movie. Surreal. Strange. 

Perhaps I'm actually suffering some mental disease. Occasionally I'm certain of it. But at the moment, everything just seems perfect in a way I've never known before. The problems don't feel like problems in the same way, and I know if I can stay mindful, every one of them are going to disappear from my life. 

It's pretty spectacular. 

Edited April 1, 2016 by Anicko

[Anicko]

Reflecting upon the path I've been walking is interesting. I sometimes feel pangs of pity for myself, but those get less and less over time. 

In a way, I feel like it's going too fast, but also I am impatient for all these huge changes to happen. It's strange to feel conflicted like that, it seems like a dream in ways. 

For me, since I initially "woke up", it's been just a few short months from one place to the next. I feel like it's not normal. It should take me years and years tearing apart my mind and belief system before life really starts to feel good, right? 

But then I think about that. I tried so many things to make life go right. Even as a child I did what others told me to do, whether I wanted to or not.

Taking the advice of others (family, friends, experts, people online), meds, therapy...  None of it worked for long, if at all. Why? Because I was doing it wrong. I had to turn my self inward and start thinking and doing for myself. 

All the things in between just eventually clicked for me. It literally is a path you are moving along, and if you stay in one spot too long you will get stuck. I don't want to get stuck anymore. 

So, while I rarely meditate like I did a few months ago because I don't believe it to mean the same thing anymore, I still needed that on my path. 

I don't believe at least half of what the gurus say anymore. Any and all of them. But they were, and still sometimes are, teachers to me, and as long as I'm careful to not pick up any beliefs from them, I can still try to learn from them in the future, or reflect back on things that were  amazingly helpful to me earlier on to help keep my perspective right.

I don't know. Just keep on keepin' on. Don't let the old false self/ego character mind take over. That's not easy to do yet all the time. But it's getting better.  

[Anicko]

My ultimate "mental goal" is to be a person free of permanent beliefs. I am starting to understand how and why temporary beliefs are necessary, but we must let them go once their purpose has been served. 

I'm starting to see major impact and changes everywhere in my reality as I dissolve more and more beliefs about anything and everything. There are so many to discover, and many will shock you completely. Some will have you laughing so hard at yourself, and you will like yourself more and more. 

You start to have a more open mind to new things and people. You will see how insane the illusion really is. 

There's truly no right or wrong anymore. You have a completely different perspective, and you will start to feel more peace and joy in your life. It won't be what you imagine, and that will probably throw you off for a minute. You might get stuck for a while, fall back into the illusion. 

Don't fall back asleep. Fight back those old thoughts, they aren't real, and they aren't you. Keep destroying you belief system. 

[Anicko]

Have you ever watched yourself do something "bad"? 

I'm still working on mastering my 'observer mode', but it's coming along. Recently I've been aware of some actions I've taken that aren't what what I necessarily want to see myself do, and I'm as of yet unaware of the motivation involved, but it is interesting. 

It has got me thinking of how often we do things, completely unaware or in total denial.

It is easy to come up with excuses to give myself, or if I were caught, I could easily explain in a way to get myself out of any 'trouble'. 

It's hard to not get trapped in it, but I feel like there's something here I am supposed to figure out. It's hard, though! Your mind plays so many games, and it's so easy to forget your focus. I keep trying to figure out why, and all that's coming up at this point is some faceless fear. 

It makes me appreciate the mistakes of others though. Opens me up to even more compassion. 

I'm not a 'bad' person, but I'm not some perfect little angel either. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'll figure it out! 

[Anicko]

As I spend more time "awake", I realize how unaware people are. It's not what I thought it would be. I can see how stuck people are, and sometimes I try to tell them how easy it is for them to get themselves unstuck. So rarely do they get it. 

I sometimes think about the way I perceive other people, how I imagine they perceive me... Am I trying to convince myself of something, or is it really just my mind playing tricks on me. 

I really do see so many things so differently now, even compared to just a few weeks or days ago. I've got a lot going on; there are some parts that could be seriously bad if I let them be that way. 

Life is different. Some of these old, old issues have got to go. It's scary as hell- it IS hell. 

But I'm going to get through it. I always do, and this time these old problems will be fixed forever. 

[Yukise99]

I'm glad that you are opening your mind up to different perspectives and truth. Inner work is truly fascinating in a sense that we get to experience it ourselves. Keep on being awesome!

[Anicko]

Yesterday was a rough one. I can't say it was bad, it definitely wasn't good, but it was different for sure. 

I haven't been feeling totally well (I'm blaming the weather ), getting less sleep with the new job; fighting the mental battle is draining at times, it's easy to talk yourself out of doing the work. 

I won't go into too many details, but I definitely learned some things. Probably more than I realize at this moment. 

Watching my mind, I can see how the "bad" parts are being blown out of proportion. It's like one part of my mind wants to create it's own version of my experience as truth, but another part can see all of the lies. 

Best example is how my client went last night. She was late, and initially I was kind of hoping for a no show so I could work on a project I've got in mind. When she showed up, however, I was intrigued. (She said she was late because she has problems with her esophagus, and she choked on some chicken.) She was a little strange, did not stop talking pretty much ever, things went well until towards the end. For the first time, I ran out of time to finish service. There are a bunch of reasons why, and really, it's not a big deal, and nothing I could have done differently would have changed the situation. She was gracious about it, it was not a big deal, right? I could definitely feel her hiding how she really felt, but I was not letting her project that shit on me, and I was not going to be blamed for the situation either because there was no fault. From my perspective, I learned a lot and I did my absolute best. Things just were not as simple as it appeared at first. 

Anyways, I checked her out and left her to pay. While I was cleaning up, the instructor asked me a couple questions and had a mini rant where she blamed my client for the problems. I don't know, I don't really care. I still learned from it, and while I was frustrated and tired, I was done with that client in my mind. 

Well, the woman at the desk tells me she turned nasty after I left and blamed me. 

Unfortunately, upon hearing that, I allowed myself to consider her view as valid somehow, and now I was upset about it. I had trouble sleeping, and until now was ruminating about the situation. 

I think everyone falls into these traps! 

I'm pretty sure I'm not stuck though. I think I had a breakthrough in understanding projection from this. It's still do fresh, I haven't gotten to explore the idea much, but I feel pretty excited about it. 

I hope this helps me when I battle these false self attempts at recreating my reality. I really do prefer seeing life as it really is, I have been able to see through the lies I tell myself and it didn't kill me. It didn't turn me into a monster when I accept that I fucked something up or that I wasn't right about something. And those are just small things. 

When you start to see your memories as they really actually were, it will change the way you see yourself entirely. It's absolutely incredible. 

 

[appleaurorae]

@Progress Off-topic: I wouldn't drag anyone into Crowley's stuff unless the person seeks for themselves. It's like, joining OTO or reading Thelema can make one's brain/soul explode. But I agree that Crowley and Mathers (and Waite, Firth, earlier Dee etc.) had giant impact on modern metaphysics. Frankly, doing simple candle-chant-pagan stuff would be enough for casual seeker. High Magick is too giant. Yet, I recommend Modern Magick by D. M. Kraig.

On 23.03.2016 at 4:32 PM, Anicko said:

I am trying, currently, to work on forgiving myself some mistakes I've made. 

I found out that during meditation, I am not ashamed of anything I did in the past .

[Anicko]

@appleaurorae I hope to feel the same way eventually. It gets easier as I work on it.