What do I think of this forum

[Preety_India]

I would have never had India attached to my name 

although the Indians that I encountered here weren't of the above category, they were nonetheless not much better, not all of them though. 

Some of them who had private conversations with me would be either controlling or very passive aggressive types. I had to block them, they were getting too controlling and argumentative, also the gaslighting ones, the testy ones. It was a bit too much. 

I had a harrowing experience with an Indian guy here in 2019 but I won't talk about it. It would be too personal. My cyber safety was at risk with that person.  That's when I realised that I had to be hyper conscious about Indian guys in general. 

This problem was more frequently experienced with Indian men who were directly from my country, born and raised in India, however this wasn't the case with Indians who were living as immigrants or were born abroad (in other countries ). 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I would have never had India attached to my name 

indian men having issues with me wasn't really my biggest problem here, although it felt that way sometimes.. 

Passive aggressive men can exist anywhere and everywhere and I had my fair share of dealing with them, not just from my country but from other countries  as well. 

This was my major issue on the forum at least for some time, being heckled for simply being a woman with an opinion especially in the months of January to August of 2020.. 

I had to take a lot of flack for expressing how I felt. 

I was being name called every other day, my topics being trashed, things I used to say would be taken out of context very routinely and it was very frustrating. 

There were a few users who almost went on a hate campaign against me telling every user that I was a bad person, routine character assassination was the norm. It was very difficult to simply be myself.. 

Yes I had some opinions but they were facts. 

The forum was very red pilled at the time. It still is. 

The forum wasn't able to handle my opinions, especially the red pill guys 

I hated the whole red pill psychology because it painted women as objects with no soul 

My feminist combativeness against red pillers here was very intense  

One mistake I made was not thinking too much before I spoke/wrote. 

I didn't want to be too diplomatic about my opinions. I wanted to send the message strong and clear, loud and clear. 

This got me in troubled waters very quickly. 

Hordes of Red pill men who had joined the forum at the time went full force against me. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I would have never had India attached to my name 

I have had my fair share of racism on  this forum plenty of times.. 

There was a user who called me "brown mouth" and when I countered him on it, he kept on justifying how it wasn't really racist. 

Using racial slurs isn't really racist now on a self development forum?

Thanks lol. It's another user who is white who defended me and that's when more attention was paid to the situation.

I have faced extreme levels of racism elsewhere on other forums. I can't even dare be on those sites without being routinely harassed for being a woman of color. For being an Indian woman. Shit hurts obviously 

When people show you hate, it's tough to still be nice to them. 

There was another time when a user called me a maggot. That was funny in some way of course I cried for 2 hours after that. 

Me being compared to a maggot? Seriously the level to which some people reach to simply trigger provoke and insult someone. 

This user then later came and apologized to me in private but the damage was already done. I didn't talk to him again. 

 

The discrimination that you face for being a woman of color is enormous and when people say that it's not a big deal, they really invalidate your experiences. How fair is it for you to say that it's something that I should learn to deal with, especially when you ARE NOT and will NEVER BE at the receiving end of it?

There were plenty of other examples where some users would gang up one, these were mostly male users, some of the red pillers and just generally men who hate ethnic women and are not too open to show it. Their hate is visible in passive aggressive ways. 

I'm being deeply honest and also a bit sad while saying this. 

If this forum was a classroom, I would have fled it in tears within a week of joining. You can never understand someone's pain without being in their shoes. All  you can do is judge and invalidate it. But never truly understand or have compassion for it. 

The only thing that gives me a miniscule amount of protection is this screen between me and this forum. I feel protected. In real life I would never be able to face people when they  are outrightly being racist in my face and giving me a hard time. What are my alternatives for defense? If I call them racist,  they will say I'm using the race  card, im using the woman card  I'm using this card, I'm using that card, when the simple point in defending self is not attacking their identity or maligning them but to let them know that certain thoughts, opinions hurt other's self esteem and even if you believe those opinions, they are better left unsaid, especially directly to that person?

The main question to ask is - what exactly do you seek to accomplish by hurting someone so directly? Does it make you feel good about yourself?

 

 

[Preety_India]

I've never been so used to receiving hate elsewhere as much as I have been on here.. 

Not that it matters anymore. 

Some people simply hate me because I have 80+ followers. I know this. I can sense it. I can sense it in the way they express resentment about it. 

I have a strong intuitive sense. I tend to feel words rather than read words.. 

My intuition filter is so strong, that no matter what means you use for communication, direct or indirect, once you're in my zone, I know you. I feel you. I feel your energy, I feel your energy exactly as your energy lines up, you can't test me, the only thing that was my greatest strength as a child was my intuition, my capacity for it is overwhelmingly high, so when you come to me, whether you're well intentioned or not, you will be seen. You'll be felt. 

Sometimes I can act like a decoy and simply put you to the litmus test. Just to get to know you better. I'll use the roundabout method, although I'm not too good at it, but I'll use my own metrics to conclude your character. My intuition is not always on cue, sometimes it gets clouded by superficial fallacy brought on by sudden emotion. My intuition kinda backslides then. That's when I pull out my litmus test. I put a few drops of acid in the water, metaphorically speaking, I might ask you something that is out of the blue or wait till you get startled to see how you react to certain things. It's a test. But I won't let you know that. 

The funny part of all of this that most people just do not realise is that when you're judging someone youre being judged as well. 

This is what you don't get. When you judge me, you aren't exempt from judgement at the same time, both work concurrently, when you judge me, my mind has already judged you. You cannot judge someone and expect in the same moment to have an understanding of their persona. It doesn't work like that. Neither can you feign such an understanding, nor can you truly understand them, the judgement filter you place throws out all understanding there could possibly have been. 

 

[Preety_India]

I can best describe my whole forum experience in these words that I wrote yesterday in my private journal. 

some part of me had died when I came here, some part of me has awaken. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I just happened to glance through the dating section and lo and behold, what a mess!!!

why-do-women-cheat-the-psychology-behind-cheating

Haha. The thread turned into a complete joke. Total gender war. 

Just so much endless fighting over who is right - man or woman?

This forum is never short of surprises. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm a soft person. My health is not tailored to deal with all sorts of friction. Leave that to the wolves. 

You cant pound on me (you can pound me, but not pound on me ) and simply assume me to be some kind of a fuck doll waiting to receive your punches. 

If you come in my zone, either you be how I need you to be it, or walk out. 

There is no other alternative. And this is not from a Narcissistic or manipulative perspective. It's just from a perspective of honesty, that I can't deal with such people, maybe I can deal with them in future births, but not this one. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

For a hot minute, I thought someone commented on my thread and I glanced back in fear, my heart rate shot up for a good 4 seconds. 

Haha. I'm that much terrified of this place now. 

It feels like a jungle where I need to carry my bottle of dragon energy drink all the time or I'm fucked. 

I came up with a label for my new found fear of the forum 

 

Forumophobia 

 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Preety_India
Lot of typos I swear. My brain is blank

[Preety_India]

Some lady one day came to me and told me privately that i remind her of a woman who could lead a pack of wolves. 

Hmm

 

That was the biggest irony of it all. 

People assume that I must be too strong simply because I wear my heart on my sleeves. 

The most that I can lead is a pack of cats (umm, that's what I actually did as a child. )

 

[Preety_India]

Ok since the mayhem that broke out a  few days ago and in the light of it,  I decided to completely cut out much of my contact on this forum. It's just not good for my health for nearly 4 people texting me everyday on any particular day. 

I'm not your free entertainment value pack. I'm a human being, not a number. (*mind immediately ran to Ariel Burdett, my favourite girl )

 

The number of people who I'm now going to interact with has reduced to a single digit. 

Very few people who I think are a safe bet with regards to daily conversations

I'm not going to reveal their names. 

Because last time when I revealed some names, I ran into major embarrassment. The person who I thought was my friend announced that they weren't my friend (happens on this forum, it's a self development forum, )

So some of the people who were talking to me, I kinda blocked them. 

Maybe I'll get some new folks to talk to as time passes by, who knows, but for now, I'm happy with this arrangement. 

Only keep those bolts that fit into the groove, only keep those friends who actually care. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I call this whole process 

sorting out my forum identity,boundaries, image,  space and  influence. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

This forum is more toxic than most places on the internet. 

(A blessing in disguise. )

Ive already stated elsewhere that I was cyber bullied for straight 3 months before joining this forum. The guy who harassed me was an Irish guy and he was romantically interested in me and when I rejected him, he made 17 accounts to harass me. It was a very rough experience but I also laughed it off later because I simply couldn't believe that it was real. Other experiences include being subjected to racial slurs online and one  American guy relentlessly going after me because I did not like Trump. These are just the very prominent ones that come to mind. There were several others that completely changed the way I perceived the world of internet. 

Those places were random chat forums and message boards, and boy, were they cruel!

They were very toxic and dangerous. Just everyone on edge looking for trouble. 

This forum is a slight upgrade in comparison. 

However lately I don't feel this way. 

I've come to the sad realization that this forum is far worse than I originally thought. 

It's  a cesspit of crabs biting each other.. 

There are layers of great uncertainty to this forum. You never know what might happen. A random attack can come out of nowhere. 

There are layers of drama and social gaming interwoven into it that make it  even worse than social media. On social media like Facebook you have the option to block someone completely, here you don't.  The  whole forum is designed like an evil chess game, you don't realize this at first at all, but over time it traps your energy, uses your own personality against you, keeps you away from being yourself, you get gaslighted with limited options to defend yourself against, moderation is good only for external trolls, but ineffective against internal affairs, social gaming is extreme, creates a cycle of addiction precisely due to the drama component,  people are generally addicted to drama or fuss and the forum has no shortage of this and the people who are at the center of this  drama pay a heavy price with their mental health causing a lot of people to act unhinged and always be on edge. Also there is a Russian Roulette component here. Everyday it's someone's turn and you never know when your turn comes next. Someone is always  going to be randomly picked up to become the next victim. This fucks with your emotional axis and leaves you feeling very needy and vulnerable which is exactly opposite of what someone should feel here - warm and welcomed. 

However this is also a blessing in disguise.. Because it steers you (only if you're a hardcore self help junkie) in the direction of working in solitude, in the effort to try and stay away from the social gaming + socialization. 

Thus it initially gives you a slap in the face but eventually the slap directs you towards a curve where you integrate more of what's aligned to overall growth. 

I WILL CALL THIS PROCESS SHUNTING 

It basically ends up streamlining and aligning you to your highest growth. 

An example of this could be like this -

You've been surrounded by people who eat a poor diet and that causes them to suffer and die and you pick from that experience and always eat healthy to never end up like them. Their experience has redirected you to being aligned to your highest growth 

 

 

[Preety_India]

At this point I don't even want to have a forum identity. 

I want to keep rubbing off anything that gives me an identity here (not in real life )

*Thinking  of images in the shower rubbing and scrubbing off my skin really hard till it bleeds so I'm stripped off my identity entirely. 

What good is it knowing that you are a person and your personhood never respected, throw it away if it only brings more trouble than good. 

Become a non identity. A non entity. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

This journal is an honest account of how I felt here (not that I was going to be treated any other way, by now it's clear how the general internet is going to treat me wherever I go, the picture was only slightly hazy when I first came here ) 

Although there were many bad experiences, these were inundated with good moments as well, there were some memorable moments as well, like the one where nearly 40 people encouraged me to dump my abusive boyfriend, that will be the highlight in terms of the good things I got from this place. It felt like a family for a while. 

But anyway I don't wish to reminisce all that. That's gone. I almost grew up here and the better part is behind me. I have to focus on the present. 

The other intention and purpose of this journal was to find solutions to finding peace here and ultimately JumpStart my journey without letting the forum interfere with that. 

 

I'm not going to keep lamenting about the forum whole day every day, it's just a sort of therapy, a valve, an outlet when I feel jammed and suffocated here or if I want to throw it out of my system by venting it out, venting has never been useless unless that's the only thing you plan on doing  

The one image that comes to my  mind is that of a strong man. (The other image hounding me this morning was that of a biker ). 

And the  third image that of a graffiti girl great at art 

 

 

[Preety_India]

This place is only safe if you keep to yourself all the time 

 

I need to ask myself the question what do I need from my environment?

Maybe I will get some useful answers 

 

[Preety_India]

These are the things that I need from my environment 

1. Support 
2. Love... Tender love 
3. Intimacy 
4. Sex (of course in a relationship)
5. Laughter 
6. Peaceful interactions 
7. Respect 
8. Warmth
9. Decency 
10. Welcome
11. Accommodating environment 
12. Value 
13. Friendship 
14. Companionship 
15. Loyalty 
16. Acceptance. 
17. Gentleness 
18. Humility 
19. Understanding 
20. Empathy 
21. Compassion 
22. Belongingness
23. Affection 
24. Affectionate care 
25. Fondness
26. Patience 
27. Serenity 
28. Help
29. Faith 
30. Consolation 
31. Comfort in distress
32. Care 
33. Happiness 
34. Peace 
35. Joy
36. Encouragement 
37. Trust
38. Bonding 
39. Empowerment 
40. Fulfillment 

 

 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Preety_India

The above 40 character qualities are exceptionally important in any environment. 

 

[Preety_India]

24 minutes ago, Lucas-fgm said:

Racist people are one of the most disgusting things ever. I'm really sorry to hear that you had to go through this. I think  Leo really should ban this guy.

Thank you for the kindness. 

 

[mandyjw]

@Preety_India Just wanted to say from personal experience, that I've found it important to balance out time spent here with time spent following, conversing with and really appreciating powerful creative women or in environments different from this one. There are some hurt perspectives often shared here, and since it's so male dominated, one could easily absorb those perspectives as a female who is sensitive to insecurities. Sometimes when I've fallen into that role, it's gotten the best of me. I have to remember that I can only enjoy the forum and be of any help to anyone here if I'm at my best. 

Also funny that we both felt inspired? to change our profile pics to pictures of men. lol 

[Preety_India]

@mandyjw kinda felt natural since it's a male dominated forum. Been feeling like I'm getting more respect with a male profile pic, haha. 

Now I can freely say to another male here - dude!!!!!!!

The way Leo does, winks.