It's All Write

[mandyjw]

I got kinda consumed by the fire of devotion and while driving and had the thought, "I would throw myself under the bus..." and sort of questioned the I Am in that. Then a few seconds later a bunny rabbit stepped out in front of my car, I swerved, and it went along the side of road ok and I realized, I AM the bus.  

[mandyjw]

I wrote this as a response to someone caught in thought loops, trying not to think and it ended up fitting the video I just made really well too.

There is no keeper of happiness and no one happiness is kept from as we are non dual (not two) Self and Happiness are not separate, and not things. We start to make thinking into a problem, when thinking is the maker of problems. We are a thought. We are the maker of problems. Spinning, spinning. This is all fine. In fact it's freaking BEAUTIFUL. It's a BRILLIANT MASTERPIECE. Well played, well played. You're not the character in the story addicted to alcohol/drugs/food (thought) you are the author of the story who thought that would be a good story line to teach some transcendent truth or entertain or because Love or whatever. Whatever you focus on you get more of. There is a narrative of "I am bad, I am addicted to thought, I can't stop thinking." And since you are actually not the thought "I" or the thought "addicted" or the thought "bad", or even the thinker of these thoughts but the creator IT IS SO. It seems so. M*** F**! That's how powerful you really are.

So just focus on what you want to focus on. No biggy. Create what you want to create. I find journaling even more key than the practice of meditation. When I'm writing, I'm very aware of my thoughts, my eyes can even see them in front of me, they have to all line up in order to get out. It's seen that even though the thoughts are being completely indulged, completely released, I am not them but the awareness of them. And then I tap into a kind of flow that becomes one with the words. Feels amazing. Thought or not. Who gives a damn! I don't. I love you anyway. By the way, you're taking up too much dialog space in my book, so cut it out. Just kidding. You don't take up any space, not matter what you do. There is no waste, no editing, no cutting, no beginning, no ending, just...

[mandyjw]

I've felt like through a lot of my life there's been this war between following my own Source and trying to be someone else's idea of good. 

Yesterday I had an insight. If I devote myself to one who Knows, if I give someone my own authority, how do I know that they Know? How do I know that I'm not deluded? Because I think I know that they know. I trust another as an excuse to secretly, unconsciously trust myself under the guise of insecurity. 

I can play doctor. I can play patient. I can be whatever I want to be.  I could fix my character, like I fixed the gap between my teeth that my parents always said added character. I could completely remove my character. I have the patients. Patience. To change.

For who?

For who?

Another character? That's funny. I sat down to journal about something in particular. Now so many different people and issues come to mind that I have so many different insecurities or beefs with seems to all merge and dissolve. If you created the problem, you cannot solve it, you can only dis-solve it. 

My God was a fraud. It even rhymes. Of course. Of COURSE. 

God I need you, to cover over the fact that I'm a fraud. I processed you. Huh? That was supposed to read possessed. Boy I've gone all the places I wasn't supposed to go in this mind haven't I. BlaspheME. Eat from the tree.

Sorry, this kind of energy just got me lately. 

Who are you apologizing to? 

Me. 

Who let this loose into the world? 

Uhmmm...

What would hold it back?

"There's a blaze of light in every word." 

 

 

[SilentTears]

Your videos are really well made. I love how each time I watch any of your videos it guides me into this flow of being. Then I start seeing synchronicity’s all over your videos… like “we’re more powerful than we know” I’ve been hearing this everywhere. Also, I love watching you share the little stories like the I am creating the story, I am the bus. It shows a lot of self expression, which is wonderful to watch. I appreciate your videos ?? 

[mandyjw]

@SilentTears Thank you so much!  Sometimes I doubt the spontaneity in them but I know it speaks better than I do. 

 

Ever since I was a kid I've had the potential to get really, really high off a specific song. It wears off after a little while, and then every now and then a song will hit me again. Due to small schools and whatever circumstances my knowledge about music is very lacking, but the appreciation makes up for it and more. I have no f-ing clue what I'm hearing, there's zero thoughts about it. I don't even pay attention to lyrics, I serially ignore them. 

I love the word serial now. I think I deleted the entry I had of going into that and dissolving connotations. Serial as in a book series. 

We are Serial Plagiarists. It's all write. This whole no separate minds thing is incredibly delightful once you get over the initial shock of it. When I was a kid, I always wished that I could somehow text my friends instead of going all summer without talking to them, and then a few years later that was actually possible. But it wasn't quite all I wanted from it.  

Now I "know" that distance, isolation, and not even death is never a barrier to communication. The only barrier is me, and my own disconnection with me. Yesterday I had an impulse to look back at a sign when we were playing mini golf that said "Beware" and realized beware is just be and aware shoved together. I knew that, but the connotations there, "I'm a separate self that should expect something threatening and negative" rather than, you are being, you are aware, be aware was quite beautiful, be you to the full. 

 

[SilentTears]

7 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I know it speaks better than I do. 

? Yeah, and who’s that? 

[SilentTears]

7 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Ever since I was a kid I've had the potential to get really, really high off a specific song. It wears off after a little while, and then every now and then a song will hit me again. Due to small schools and whatever circumstances my knowledge about music is very lacking, but the appreciation makes up for it and more. I have no f-ing clue what I'm hearing, there's zero thoughts about it. I don't even pay attention to lyrics, I serially ignore them. 

 

I’ve always done the same. It’s a really nice experience. 
 

I just felt like adding, your a really good speaker/ communicator. The way you travel your words to my eyes makes me laugh. ?? that spontaneous energy is from the flow. 

[mandyjw]

14 hours ago, SilentTears said:

? Yeah, and who’s that? 

?

14 hours ago, SilentTears said:

I just felt like adding, your a really good speaker/ communicator. The way you travel your words to my eyes makes me laugh. ?? that spontaneous energy is from the flow. 

 ❤Thank you! 

 

[mandyjw]

We went on a short trip this weekend and it was really fun but also made me like being home a lot. I guess that's the point of going away, I don't know. Yesterday I was feeling exhausted and low and went out to make a video anyway, mostly following intuition. As I was explaining what I had felt led to explain, the realization of why I have equated the devil or being bad with teaching for so long (like early childhood) hit me. I brought up the memory of my first reaction to Eckhart Tolle, the reaction of anger, disgust and judgement. I realized that I saw how funny it was now, how profound. 

There's no such thing as attraction. 

(And again, I was not expecting THAT. )

My repulsion WAS attraction that I misinterpreted. Have I not experienced this time and time again?

I thought I could somehow be likeable enough to avoid provoking these reactions myself, when these reactions are strong because they are from Source. I thought I could be smart enough to avoid them. In reality, this just ended up with me avoiding my own Source.

Feels good to be home, even if the place is a total mess.

 

[mandyjw]

Something else? I dunno, I felt a pull there to stay right here. 

The whole cycle of misunderstanding is "I am bad because I feel bad". 

"I don't feel bad", this is what teacher tells me. Is this denial? Gaslighting? Teacher tells me feeling is guidance, it is Love. Teacher tells me I am Good, or I don't exist. I only notice the dissonance. I feel bad. I must be bad. 

If I'm not ok with feeling bad, I wouldn't be ok with others feeling bad either. I feel so bad about others feeling bad, I'd throw myself under the bus for them. 

I am the bus. 

You see...! I didn't see this. I didn't see the doing it to myself nature of the bus. Why would I do this to myself, cause I'm bad? I'm dumb? Ha, this is what creates the cycle. I AM bad. I feel bad. I AM bad. I feel bad. Feeling always tells the truth, and I don't listen (or feel) I insist that I am bad. 

I have so many flavors of bad.

The crazy one. (Best with rainbow jimmies.)

The stupid one.

The inept one.

The naïve one. (Best with gummy bears.)

The evil seductress. (Best with whipped cream)

The ugly one. 

The attention seeker. (this one is really fun because you are using your own attention to seek attention.) 

Oh shit. The awareness is always there. The awareness is the creation of it. 

Beware.

Be aware. 

I've never been attracted to anyone in my life. I spent my entire marriage mad at myself for marrying someone I wasn't attracted to. What kind of person does that? A bad one. What else did I think I wanted? I wanted to be attracted/attractive. Why couldn't I have all the circumstances how I thought they should be? Because there is no such thing as attraction because I am the creator of it. 

I told my husband all about this and these patterns on the way home from the trip. For the first time I felt like I could honestly express myself without creating more conflict. I'm embarrassed of our relationship, of how it looks. We make no sense together. People come up to me and don't understand our relationship. (I create this too.) 

But if I'm honest there was some pretty intense attraction, it was just a very spiritual, true friendship flavor of it. Not like you see in movies. And I've never been able to separate God, teaching, or attraction. I thought something was wrong with me for this. Of course!!! There is no God. There is no teaching and here is no attraction. 

I've been trying to hard to see from the outside in, what was perfect from the inside out. 

I had my priorities in perfect order, so long ago, and thought I should rearrange them for the sake of the world and appearances sake. 

But it turns out that the world is just an appearance unto itself. 

 

[mandyjw]

Forgot to post this. 

[mandyjw]

On 5/24/2021 at 0:19 PM, mandyjw said:

Spirituality, I am out of diapers, but I still have an accident every once in a while. (Mom says it's ok, but she doesn't ACT like it's ok when she's tired sometimes.) She even took down the sticker chart. THAT BITCH. 

I think this is possibly the most brilliant thing I've ever written about the awakening process. But I didn't find the quote I was looking for. 

Ugh. Fuck it. I'm here. I'll write something.

I want to channel some energy out, I want to write a story.

 I'm in love. 

With no one.

So deeply. Madly. Passionately. Impossibly. In love.

I'm like one of those plasma balls, I just ya know, shoot off random little bolts of energy until someone comes and...

NAUGHTY MANDY, NAUGHTY!

We used to have one. It broke, smashed, broken glass everywhere. No more plasma. Illusion scattered. 

"It's ok, we can buy another", I said. But I never did. 

Where did the energy go? The magic, the spell broken. 

I talked with my friend last night. Her dad works for the power company. She sent me a photo he sent her of a pole here that was hit by lightning. "You'll never know where it is" and it SO familiar to me, it was right by the trail where... the lightning, the story. 

This synchronicity.  I give myself a gold star sticker. Is impossibly fun, delightful synchronicity God/Mom's sticker chart? ?

Why is it so uncomfortable to sit in front of a blank screen with the curser flashing, waiting for you to add words? Why is it so hard to sit in front of a blank canvas? "It's up to me to make it something." Maybe I'm not in love. Maybe I'm not in love with this. What if I don't get my sticker? I want the sicker. I don't give a damn about the sticker. I want the feeling of getting the sticker. 

What is this hopeless romance, this connection with Source that I've always seemed to have, mixed up with longing. looooonging. Loooooooooonging. I don't know what it's FOR anymore. But there's just this longing. You fucking idiot! You've sat with this your whole life and look. It doesn't need anything from you. Everyone has this prana, they DO channel it. See the beauty in NOT channeling it? Channel or not, duality. Share or not, duality. Love or be loved. Praise or be praised. Teach or be taught. 

I want to love! I love that I want to love. 

romance (n.)

c. 1300, "a story, written or recited, of the adventures of a knight, hero, etc.," often one designed principally for entertainment.

Yup. It's totally hopeless. 

[mandyjw]

UGH! Why do I get like this? I can't write what I want when I plan to, but when I have shit I have to do, it just.... feelings. I have to go buy my mother a package of Parmesan cheese and make my husband a sandwich SOURCE. She will be disappointed, Source. 

Who will be disappointed?

Me. 

A while ago, I unlocked some capability or imagination or whatever spiritual fuckery to fall in love, I mean really, love with places. It just FEELS like there are these specific places which, sometimes seem totally normally and unassuming at times, but channel TO YOU sometimes. There is something left there, some desire, something beyond that. Or something to come, I don't know. Do I love it, or does it love me? 

From your perspective, you can only love and your love as in verbing love as in giving, is actually ALSO the reception of love.

Oh. Ooooo. Oh... 

 

[mandyjw]

So this whole hopeless romantic, devotion, longing with nothing to long for, or something to long for, is just me not loving, telling myself I'm loving. GODDAMN IT! 

Or rather you're already loving, but telling yourself you're not loving. 

And THAT is the writer's block. 

Lover's block? 

Sandwich makers block? 

[mandyjw]

Well, someone got my glasses prescription wrong. Months of feeling like something was wrong with me for not adjusting to them and it turns out it wasn't me.

Sort of poetic. 

[mandyjw]

Ugh, I feel kinda awful. 

Is that true?

I think I will try some spiritual bypassing word play. I feel awe-full. Oh Jesus. Sweet HOLY Jesus. So much taking name in vain after years of avoiding it. Always cheers me up. 

I'm feeling bad because... (uh oh) I broke my lawn mower. I thought that no changing oil meant no checking oil. Apparently not. Fuck me. (Why does profanity cheer me up so much?) I had to question to get this out of my dad, he wasn't going to tell me at first. How am I supposed to learn if he doesn't tell me it's my fault the mower died? 

I feel totally overwhelmed with everything, like I have so much going on and don't feel like doing any of it and am failing for it. That "I feel bad" wheel of misfortune mind spinning game is quite popular, isn't it? 

Huh, I should MAKE one of those. ? Oh wait, I already did that and made a video about it. But it doesn't have an actual spinner. Merch goals. 

"How am I supposed to learn if I don't know it's my fault?" I feel security in being at fault. If I'm at fault I can control it, I CAN learn in the future. I like being at fault.  

Fault, a gap. "There's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. " 

I like being at fault. But I'm never actually there. 

What happens when someone makes something, and it's really no one's property and everyone else makes something of it too, building on what was before? Is it like a brilliant relay race, building upon scientific knowledge and centuries to create something absolutely beautiful over multiple generations or is it some kind of fucked up telephone game? 

Connotations would say it's a fucked up telephone game. Sort of like my glasses prescription. That's what the headaches are for. You fucked something up here people! There's been a miscommunication here somewhere. But if I think it's my fault, I grin and bear it. And that's when the telephone game breaks down. 

I broke the lawn mower through stupid neglect. (etymology of neglect meaning, "not select") My house is a mess, but I'm prioritizing making sure that my lines of communication is clear from Me to Me. 

mess (n.)

c. 1300, "a supply or provision of food for one meal," from Old French mes "portion of food, course at dinner," from Late Latin missus "course at dinner," literally "a placing, a putting (on a table, etc.)," from past participle of mittere "to put, place," in classical Latin "to send, let go" (see mission). For sense evolution, compare early Middle English sonde "a serving of food or drink; a meal or course of a meal," from Old English sond, sand, literally "a sending," the noun form of send (v.). 

Meaning "a communal eating place" (especially a military one) is attested by 1530s, from the earlier sense of "a company of persons eating together at the same table" (early 15c.), originally a group of four. The sense of "mixed food," especially "mixed food for animals" (1738), probably is what led to the contemptuous colloquial use of mess for "a jumble, a mixed mass" (1828) and the figurative sense of "state of confusion, a situation of disorder" (1834), as well as "condition of untidiness" (1851).

Holy. Shit. ?

All of language is a fucked up telephone game. It's not language's fault, it's our creation. 

Edited July 15, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Bahahaha, my no changing means no checking, telephone game misunderstanding.

Self actualization, no self, no changing it, no checking. 

Ohhhh!!!! Burn. 

Like a moth to the flame. 

[mandyjw]

5 hours ago, Myioko said:

SWEET holy Jesus, oh my god, it does feel nice

I know, isn't is AMAZING? You were raised Mormon, right? The level of funny I find blasphemous Jesus jokes now is over the top, I wonder if it will wear away at some point. I used to honestly get really offended. Still considering a dashboard Jesus. 

5 hours ago, Myioko said:

like today I was cleaning a messy room and running errands (and the cherry on top of my day was that I came home to see that my house plant died, RIP Neville...) 

Sorry  I love that you had a houseplant named Neville, that's the perfect houseplant name if I ever heard one. 

Yeah, I totally feel the overwhelm of "all the things". I found short breaks of meditation helpful because it seemed to help drop the resistance without finding a distraction to ignore the tasks and mess that pulls me in TOO long and makes it worse, instead it helps set me back on track. 

 

[mandyjw]

7 hours ago, Myioko said:

Yeah. I still don't feel fluent at all in swearing! Besides the really common ones occasionally. Sometimes I'll put them in and awkward part of a sentence, or feel self conscious while saying it, or I'll make up really random words to go along with them. 

I got a lot of practice with swearing early on, even though we got indocrinated as kids, my Dad was already really frustrated with Christianity, and was a blue collar worker. So a lot of my religious knowledge came from him explained in truck driver language.  Never God's name in vain kind of stuff though. Partly because of this I really don't feel as if I was actually indocrinated, I feel as if I chose those beliefs and perspectives myself. But anyway, a lot of my Christian friends who were raised with more structure and rules than me had that with swearing, my husband still does not swear, ever, ever. My other close friend only started swearing in her late 20's. 

7 hours ago, Myioko said:

I've found that similarly helps too, if I'm feeling mindful enough on a particular day. I'm not in the habit of meditation yet, but my go-to is short walks. Or was, since the weather has been inconveniently hot in the past month or two...so meditation it should be I guess.

 Sometimes I have an aversion to sitting with good posture so I just lay down and focus on my breath for a few minutes. Amazing how quickly revitalizing it is.

Edited July 17, 2021 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I don't know what my intention for writing this is, but my dog is always taking my daughter's stuffed animals. It's amazing the mad bird dog skills he has even though we don't hunt. They are trained not to harm the bird, and he does this with my daughter's stuffed animals. He will steal them and terrorize her and me wanting us to chase him and try to take it, and he holds them so firmly yet gingerly in his mouth, his lips curls up and wrinkle out the sides and he'll stare at you with these intense devilish eyes and it's just the most adorable thing. 

I'm not fast enough to keep up with you, Awareness. I'm dragging behind, like a water-skier who fell on their ass and is just waiting it out for the boat to stop. 

"Get out ahead of it." -AH

ahead of what? 

My daughter lost my "good" pair of old glasses. I'm wearing the very old pair now that falls off when I bend over sometimes. I've said "Don't do that, stop doing that for like the last 10 things that have come out of my mouth." What DO I want?

I want to drop the effort. 

effort (n.)

late 15c., "laborious attempt, strenuous exertion," from French effort, from Old French esforz "force, impetuosity, strength, power," verbal noun from esforcier "force out, exert oneself," from Vulgar Latin *exfortiare "to show strength" (source of Italian sforza), from Latin ex "out" (see ex-) + Latin fortis "strong" (see fort).

Effort is working against yourself, using your own strength against itself. 

You built this fantastic fort and you got trapped inside so you're trying to break down the walls, but the door is open, there is no door. Blah blah deep spiritual insight. 

Ok 10 things I appreciate about the complete disaster before my eyes.

You mean this journal entry? 

No I mean behind my head, I'm using the mom eyes in back of the head to see how messy the house is behind me.

The "mom eyes" might be your problem. 

I'm practicing gratitude and now my higher italicized self is picking out faults? 

That's what you just recently gave us permission and even asked us to do. Whose faults are they? 

1. I appreciate the fact that if I have the urge to comb my hair there are two hairbrushes and a comb in easy reach all scattered on the floor. 

Was that appreciating? 

Shut up.

2. I think you're right, this gratitude practice is utter bullshit. I'm already grateful. 

Was that appreciating?

YES, YES I can't help it, I appreciate nothing to the very depths of my being! 

Oh, I started this out by truly appreciating something. I wrote that yesterday morning not this morning. It was the appreciating of an obnoxious perhaps undesirable habit in a creature I adore.

This reminds me, when I relate to people, I often play in and pretend that I think things are obnoxious when really I love them. I love the way the dog's little smile looks when he steals my daughter's favorite teddy bear. I'm afraid if I really let them know how I feel, they won't understand me. It's almost like how everyone gets excited when something happens in a small town, even if it's bad, an accident, forest fire, everyone hides their excitement, but not very well. 

Maybe I actually love the complete mess and chaos. Yeah, I do. Somehow I got so busy pretending I was neat and tidy, and non-chaotic, that I convinced myself! 

convince (v.)

1520s, "to overcome in argument," from Latin convincere "to overcome decisively," from assimilated form of com-, here perhaps an intensive prefix (see com-), + vincere "to conquer" (from nasalized form of PIE root *weik- (3) "to fight, conquer"). Meaning "to firmly persuade or satisfy by argument or evidence" is from c. 1600. Related: Convinced; convincing; convincingly.

Again, like effort, a fight against oneself. 

Ok, so yesterday I had a massage, and ended up examining a pattern of wanting to "hold it together" for the sake of others, and a memory come up and an emotional release. In 3-5 grade I had this teacher and she was so mean and strict. Yet also very intelligent and very willing to correct you. However, she had a complete aversion to messes, especially biological ones. "I don't DO puke." she would say. One day on the morning of our BIG presentations, I was sick. Mom didn't believe me, she thought I was avoiding the presentation. I didn't want people to think this, so it made it even worse, but I was actually sick. Teacher didn't believe me. Eventually, I threw up, in her personal desk trashcan if I remember correctly. I was sicker than I'd ever been for an entire week.

This feeling/repression followed me my whole life. Class trip to the city, stomach feeling horrible from stress and weird food. Feeling like I was going to throw up on city streets, seeing the largest city I'd ever seen for the first time, trying to avoid this desperately. This is the last place I can and want to throw up, in front of everyone, inconveniencing everyone. 

Pattern followed, I got what I didn't want. The Catz deli nervous breakdown or whatever the label is, the only breakdown I've ever had in the most populous, crowded place I've ever been in. 

If I built my ef-fort well, how come I think I have so much influence on other people's ef-forts and that they have it on mine? Is the suffering actually an intuition that the ef-fort walls are made of façade? No, the suffering is the avoidance of the intuition, the suffering is the ef-fort, the only ef-fort. 

"My inability to digest this (the beliefs that build walls that were passed down to me ala fucked up telephone game) is my personal failing."

I don't eat bananas because I can't digest them without getting horrible stomach aches. But I will eat metaphorical bananas knowingly to be polite. 

polite (adj.)

late 14c., "polished, burnished" (mid-13c. as a surname), from Latin politus "refined, elegant, accomplished," literally "polished," past participle of polire "to polish, to make smooth" (see polish (v.)).

"You can't polish a turd." - Geoffrey Stokes

I don't like the term monkey mind, but I get an image of a monkey eating bananas to make people happy and then throwing polished turds at  the same people through the bars of its cage. 

The telephone game may seem to be a collective one, but in reality, it's your own thoughts and your openness to receive them. True empowerment is realizing that those walls you so carefully built aren't there and pure reception is also pure rejection. 

 

Edited July 18, 2021 by mandyjw