Awakening from a teenager's perspective

[Egodeathrow]

Hello , I am a 16 year old explorer of conciousness/psychonaut and I wanted to basically just share my experience of discovering infinite Conciousness and absolute Truth at a very young age.

My entire life I have been a deeply existential thinker, I have consistently questioned my reality ever since early childhood, My first memorys of ever questioning my existence was around 1st grade and on a minor level even earlier than that, I remember staring at a wall and my intent was to try and see the atoms in the wall of my room and as I was staring at it I was really focusing on looking through my eyes and being highly mindful of every detail in my visual field, All of my sense perceptions all felt empty and hollow after doing this often when I was bored, I would pay attention to my perceptions to the point where it would feel like I was a groundless bubble of conciousness that was simultaneously nowhere and everywhere at the same time yet completely void of physicality, I started to question whether my entire life was an elaborate scheme that everybody was playing in order to deceive me and trick me that they are real sort of like the Truman show, Fast forward a couple years and this self questioning and unintentional mindfulness turns into a full on existential crisis, I am in elementary school and I am having an existential crisis because nothing feels real and I can see that my entire life is a lie and I in fact do not exist, This lead to me basically losing all interest in school and being diagnosed with bipolar II and severe depression, When I finally got to middle school I stumbled upon astral projection on youtube and it sounded so cool to me that I had to try it, I had no clue that any of this would lead me to an awakening but while attempting to astral project I was also learning how to meditate at the same time, My meditations were as neurotic as you would imagine a "severely ADHD" kid would be, My meditations were very sloppy and I didn't really draw the connection between the existential experiences I was having and the meditation, But after a while I started to learn more and more about these types of mystical experiences, Also I was also a self proclaimed nihilist at this point because my depressive episodes were so existentially terrifying that I was mentally scarred at a young age and that type of trauma at a young age really damaged me, Those depressive episodes were so hopeless and soul wrenching that I wanted to kill myself in elementary school but I also didn't believe in death so I knew that there really was no escape and if I tried to kill myself It wouldn't work and I wouldn't actually die, It felt like I was already in hell for eternity. My parents and friends obviously didn't understand what I was going through at the time so I was pretty much alone with this brutal suffering that no one around me could understand, Fast forward to around 9th grade and I am having an stark awakening into nothingness and relativity, At this point I am really getting close to really feeling what nonduality truly is, I wasn't quite there yet but at around this time I discovered great teachers such as Eckhart Tolle, Ram Dass, Alan Watts and of course Leo, This was a very important part of my journey because this lead me to deeper and deeper states of understanding, I was really starting to have direct insights into the nature of reality and conciousness. In 10th grade I discovered LSD, This was an incredible experience that brought me in touch with the infinite love that also comes with emptiness, After a while of experimenting with LSD, Mushrooms and cannabis edibles I have the oh so incredible god awakening , I have been having some of the most indescribable and reality shattering experiences over the past year and I really have no words for them that could ever describe to , I still struggle with my sense of self and survival needs but I now recognize myself as life and conciousness itself, I see that it couldn't be any other way and that the universe is happening all at once, Right now as I type this I know that I have created everything and that this bubble of experience or incarnation I find myself in is the only one in existence, I know that my experience right now has all the love I could possibly dream of and infinitely more, I can also recognize that literally anything is possible and every possible moment that could ever happen is already in my experience of this moment, I realize now that every possible structure and moment in the universe is working every being to recognize itself as me. There is so much more I could tell you about experiences but words will never do justice to absolute truth, I am sure you all can understand the trouble trying to explain these sort of things without  crazy ass strange loops and self reference problems occurring, That being said I love you all and I hope you recognize that as you read this post your life is already complete and by reading this post you are connected here for eternity with my essence and truth.

[OctagonOctopus]

Nice read I could relate to a lot of it!

Welcome to the forum 

[seeking_brilliance]

I'd love to hear your AP experiences