Nourishment

[soos_mite_ah]

2/11/2021 Daily Check In 

Still felt rather blue today but I do feel better than yesterday. I ate breakfast and I had blackberries, an egg some toast, and an avocado along with a handful of pumpkin seeds. I was excited this morning because the avocados I bought are finally ripe enough to eat ☺️. I've been waiting for a while lol. I didn't eat a lot today mainly because I accidentally skipped lunch. Wasnt my intention. By the time I noticed that it was 5pm so I was like, eh I'm having dinner in a couple hours anyway so might as well get a snack. 

[soos_mite_ah]

2/12/2021 Daily Check In 

I went to sleep and I woke up feeling full and nauseous. I'm not sure whether this is a side effect of the birth control or the zoloft but either way I felt sick for most of today and barely ate. For breakfast I has 3 slices of toast with butter and an egg. I also had a bowl of cereal with some almond milk and blueberries for dinner. I had a couple of cans of Sprite for the nausea and that helped so thats good. And that's all that I had today. It was a pretty off day but at least I didn't feel depressed. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Long time no see

I haven't really been on this site or really on the internet all that much because for the last week or so because Texas got hit by a terrible winter storm which ended up being an infrastructural disaster. I have been getting electricity on and off and didn't have running water for a couple of days because I had a pipe burst in my house because it was so cold outside.

Any way, here is an update of how I have been doing as far as my health goes: 

• I'm pretty much in the habit of eating breakfast everyday. I even feel hungry in some mornings when I wake up so to me that is an improvement. 
• My ability to fall asleep has improved since I started going on birth control I guess because my hormones are being regulated better. 
• It took me a week and a half for my body to adjust to the birth control. Initially I started breaking out, feeling nauseated, and had more hair grow in weird places (basically a worsening of my PCOS symptoms plus feeling nauseous). Now, those side effects are gone and I am expecting to see improvement in the coming weeks. 
• I don't crave chocolate anymore, like at all. I'm proud of myself for that. Even though I still enjoy food and am not strict with myself, I don't crave things period at this point.
• Now that I think about it, I have also pretty much cut out most added sugars. 
• While I'm not craving unhealthy foods, I haven't been eating super healthy in this past week. A lot of it has to do with the food availability in my house and the super markets. Everything is gone because of this storm. The shelves are empty so when I was running out of food at home, I just grabbed whatever was there. I'm not super concerned with this though because this was largely situational and isn't reflective of my over all habit changes. 
• I still struggle to get enough calories in. I'm going to be honest, this winter storm and everything that came with it threw off my concentration on my health related goals. Let's be real, when you don't have heat, electricity, or running water, and everything around you is frozen to where you can't drive without it being a hazard, there are bigger things to worry about than your diet. I still managed to stay gluten and dairy free for the most part, eat breakfast, not crave a bunch of foods that aren't good for me mainly because those are things that I do out of habit and I don't have to think about. But lately, I don't think I have been eating enough as far as my goals are concerned however it isn't to the point where I see a dip in my energy levels. 
• My energy levels are great. I haven't had any issues with fatigue. 
• I tried to supplement with a protein bar to get in more calories and protein and honestly I hated it. I need to try something different to meet those goals. 
• I haven't been exercising regularly. I had issues with maintaining that habit before but this recent natural disaster threw me off more

On 1/25/2021 at 5:03 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

In short, these are the things that I'm still working on from most to least important. 

• Eating Breakfast regularly- Just have to keep going. 
• Getting enough calories- I'm going to maintain the 1500-1700 calories for now until I'm 100% used to it before I bump that up to 2000
• Dealing with chocolate cravings- These are for the most part gone, I feel like I'm the last leg 
• meat outside the house- Idek to what extent I'm going to even address this for now since it is so minor but we'll see. 

Out of these I'd say that I met all of these goals except for the getting enough calories part. I think it's time to set new goals. Here are just some of my thoughts. 

Reduce chicken: I have been contemplating on going vegan for ethical and environmental reasons. It really came into my mind after I let go of dairy.  I'm not sure how realistic it would be for me going forward but we'll see. I don't think I'll ever be 100% vegan but I can see myself being very plant based in my day to day life (not including when I'm out with friends or special occasions). A lot of my meals already are vegan and vegetarian without me really trying. The main animal products I eat are eggs and seafood. Sometimes I eat chicken but it isn't super prevalent in my diet however it is something that is regularly there. I think that if I were to be vegan or vegetarian, my main issue would be cutting out of eggs and seafood while managing to get enough protein. Even with eggs and seafood, I still have issues with getting enough protein. I need to look into more plant based sources if I am to make that transition. But for now I think reducing chicken is a start. 

Get enough calories and protein: This is rolling over from the previous set of goals because I haven't met it. I'm also adding in the protein piece since that has been something that I've been thinking about and observing. 

Exercise regularly: I already get some form of movement and exercise everyday but I really want to get into working out. I used to shy away from working out before even though I do enjoy it because my body image and my eating habits weren't super great and I was afraid of this spiraling into an unhealthy obsession. I think I'm in the place where I can implement this in a healthy way.  My goal is to work out 3-4 days a week. I think that is more reasonable and sustainable than to expect myself to work out everyday with no rest days. 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

[soos_mite_ah]

There was a Subway at my community college. I remember I had a class right above it and every time lunch time rolled around, that classroom would smell like Subway because of shared vents. I used to like Subway. I mean it was ok, but because of that experience for a semester, I lost all taste for Subway and now I'm grossed out by it. I haven't had Subway in 4 years and I'm not intending to anytime soon. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Tik Tok Trends and the Trauma of Early 2000s Fashion 

Every now and then I go on Tik Tok because why tf not and I'm starting to notice a lot of people adopt the Y2K aesthetic. And surprisingly, a lot of people made it cute. I say suprisingly because I remember just how ugly the early 2000s were. I think this is a good example of how we look at the past with this nostalgic rose toned glasses and alter it to something that is more applicable today. 

Idealized images of 2005 made by 17 year olds who were small children back then aside (damn it feels so weird to say that a 17 year old was born in 2004, when I think of people born in 2004 I think of 5 year olds because my mind stopped processing time back in 2009), when I think of 2005 fashion I think of this: 

I remember back in 2008 I wore something like this and everyone thought I had drip lol. I thought it was cute, everyone around me thought it was cute. There were people wearing scarves as belts back then. It was wild I aint forget.That's why I'm always a little skeptical of trends because my immediate  thought is my bad judgement and people egging me on back then because we didn't know better lmaooo. Fashion comes back every 20 years and I swear to god if this comes back, I'm roasting everyone. Even though I feel nostalgic about my childhood sometimes, I can't romantisize the early 2000s. To me, the early 2000s were a giant meme. 

Speaking of fashion coming back every 20 years, I'm going to have a field day in 2040 if face masks come back in style. 2020 is trauma if trauma was a year. 

Shits and giggles about the early 2000s aside, now I'm going to talk about actual trauma and the body image issues in the early 2000s. 

The low rise jeans

Do I think low rise jeans are ugly? No. In fact I think on some people, mainly really skinny people, low rise jeans look better than high rise jeans. But for the vast majority of people, these jeans are a source of anxiety. I saw a bunch of people on tik tok freak out about it Hell I was internally freaking out about it too. Wear whatever you want idk but I swear if this becomes mainstream, anorexia and bulimia would become rampant. Because in order to "look right" in these jeans you have to have a flat stomach and abs and that isn't realistic for most people including myself. 

This straight up triggered memories. Nowadays, I still have body image issues because I don't have a flat stomach. I see myself as a bigger woman. There is a part of me that knows how irrational this is because I'm a US size 2. I don't say that I feel like a bigger woman because people would think I'm insane or attention seeking. I try not to complain about my body too much because you never know what people are dealing with and I don't want the people around me to feel self conscious. I thought I was being irrational and that this was all in my head until I saw people on tik tok talking about this and how back then anything over a US size 4 was considered fat and that you would be ridiculed. It is the reason why we have body positivity now and it has taken YEARS for women to recover from this era. Now I know where this irrational image of my body comes from. It was the damn low rise jeans smh. While I am still very uncomfortable with my stomach, I feel much more at ease in high rise jeans and the insecurities are I guess more in the back of my mind rather than the forefront. I remember before that became the norm, I was super self conscious of anything that was slightly tight or anything cropped. Now, that's basically all I wear and that's actually what looks best on me.

To me, low rise jeans aren't necessarily the problem, it's the pressure to be skinny in them. A lot of my skinny size 0 friends would still have a muffin top in low rise jeans just because of skin in that area not, because of fat. I legit never want to hear the term muffin top again if low rise jeans come back in fashion. 

I remember feeling the need to diet since I was 9 all the way til I was 14 (2009-2014). It was the peak of my body image issues. I look back at pictures from that time and sure I was a squishy looking kid, but I was literally a child. Most children are squishy looking lol. But I remember always feeling like I was 500 lbs back then because of the way people made fun of me and because of what I was surrounded by at the time whether it be media or other people. I have this memory from elementary school (so like 2006-2011) where all my teachers would sit together at lunch and being the curious child I was, I remember over hearing on how every conversation revolved around dieting. There was one teacher in particular who was really skinny from the waist up but was thick from the waist down. She was so insecure of how pear shaped she was and how big her butt was and as a result dieted constantantly. At that time I thought that was reasonable because big butts weren't the goal back then and everyone wanted a nonexistent butt but now I look back and I think that damn, she would have killed it in 2017 because she is what the Kardashians wish they were. Body types shouldn't be considered trends. I don't care if the rest of the Y2K stuff comes back as long as we don't bring back the body shaming from that era. 

Edited February 22, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeFwp2XN/ 

These tik tok and the comments under it articulate my point of view from the previous post really well.

Edited February 22, 2021 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Tumblr Thinspo Trauma from 2012

The last post made me think of other destructive trends I remember encountering as a child. After the early 2000s, I remember in the early 2010s that there were a lot of thinspo and fitspo related content. Thinspo is inspiration to get thin. Often times it would be a collection of extremely skinny girls and really restrictive diet tips. Fitspo is the same thing but it was more fitness and workout oriented but if I'm going to be honest, looking back, it was basically thinspo with abs and a sports bra. While there was less emphasis on dieting, there was a lot more on exercise. I fell into that whole rabbit hole when I was 12-14 years old. I remember waking up at 5 am in the morning before school, working out for an hour and then starting my day. Then after school I would work out for another hour (usually something light like walking and jogging on the tread mill). Meanwhile during school I would also have an hour long session of P.E. twice a week. So in a typical week I would have about 12 hours of exercise. And I remember that even back then, I still didn't have a flat stomach. It boggles my mind how fixated I was with all of this back then, how normal it seemed to me, how people congratulated me when really I was going through some real shit. I remember striving for hip bones, collar bones, being able to squeeze your entire waist with your hands, having a thigh gap and god knows what else. I hope to god none of those ever come back to fashion. 

Even after "thic" became a thing and suddenly everyone wants thick thighs and a huge ass, there is this part of me that still sees the thinspo ideals as something to aspire to. I have come a long way since then as far as accepting my body. There is a lot of things that I can look at now and really like about myself that I wasn't able to say back in 2013. I can now say that I love my arms and my legs for looking so strong.  I love how my shoulders look so graceful in sleeveless shirts. I love how round my face looks to where I go as far as to accentuate the roundedness with the way I do my makeup and so on and so forth. But I will admit that I imprinted on those standards even though they have passed and that there is this little voice in my head that judges me whenever I try on clothes. That voice was a yell in my head and now it has quieted to a whisper. The situation improved, but it's still there.

Shit like this makes me scared of the internet. I didn't think of this at the time but looking back now at 21, imagining my 13 year old baby faced self searching up this type of content is extremely worrying. And I know that this type of content still exists on the internet and on Tik Tok to reach a new generation of pre teens and teens who have body image issues. Like...I was a child back then. No child should have to deal with something like that. It really messes you up and you don't realize it or understand the seriousness of it at that age. I have older, boomer parents who barely knows anything about what is out there on the internet. It's to the point where they can be susceptible to conspiracy theories with a couple of wrong clicks (not only did I have to worry about myself growing up I had to be careful about my parents believing everything they see on the internet smh). I had to navigate this shit on my own. It could have been much worse. Thinspo is just a  more politically correct version of pro ana or pro mia with better PR (Pro ana= pro anorexia pro mia= pro bulimia). I'm glad 14 year old me was some how smart enough to steer clear of the more extreme stuff. When I have kids, I'm going to make sure that I know what type of technology is available and how it works so that I know they aren't getting themselves into something dangerous. 

Both of these videos talk about pro ana/ pro mia. It is a more extreme version of thinsp but the posts that are discussed are things I remember encountering.

The first video talks about the posts without showing them to avoid triggering people. The second video does show the posts so this is a warning to anyone that might be sensitive to this type of content. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

On 2/23/2021 at 4:07 AM, modmyth said:

@soos_mite_ah  Reading your post about the early 2000s made me think of a post I made last year about the early 2000s aesthetic which was pretty cringe for the longest time. I've only just recently started to warm back to certain aspects of it in the last 1-2 years, before that it was an absolute no go, aside from finding it ugly, a lot about my preteen years I would have preferred to erase out of my memory. Probably like a lot of other women.

We legit had our thongs visible from outside our pants, at least sometimes, and showing bra straps. Or at least if it showed with the latter, no one cared. Maybe not as bad as Christina Milan in the link below though, haha (also affectionately known as the "whale tail". I'd agree that the ultra low rise jeans did very few of us any favours appearance wise (it gives everyone but the super skinny muffin tops), though most of us wore regular low rise jeans anyway.

OOoof I remember everyone had there butt crack out and had to pull up their pants constantly to avoid showing their underwear. I remember being 7 and thinking "eww" but also thinking it was normal and that this is how all jeans are. I don't remember the whole whale tail trend mainly because I was a child. I guess I mainly remember the cringe worthy, funnier trends because they create more of a reaction tbh. When I think of the early 2000s I think of rhinestones, chunky blonde highlights on black hair, frosty eyeshadow, thin eyebrows, and vests. 

On 2/23/2021 at 4:07 AM, modmyth said:

What do you think about late 2000s vs. early 2000s fashion wise? (Not sure how far back you remember; I was pre-teen in the early 00s and the earlier fashion I don't remember as well.)

One thing I do really like and look forward to is baggy pants coming back, like the orange ones Xtina is wearing in this video, I guess this would be like late 90s/early 00s. I totally remember having pants like these. They were awesome. And comfortable.

The late 2000s and the early 2000s blend together to me. I was born in October 1999 so I was 4 in 2004 and 8 in 2008.  But when it comes to like 2008-2012, I think of the trend of being emo and scene. I wanted to jump on that bandwagon but my mom didn't let me lol. While I really liked that style, I also thought it was the most because sometimes people would go the extremes. I also had a pair of baggy pants and I remember them being comfortable. It isn't really my thing but I can roll with it. 

When I think of less cringe worthy styles of the early 2000s, I think of Freaky Friday and Bratz. Freaky Friday was my shit back then so there might be some bias there lol. But with Bratz, I know that really became a trend I think last year where people would do the Bratz doll challenge. They basically did their hair, makeup and outfits to look like a bratz doll. It's been interesting to see people make a new version of early 2000s fashion with a 2020 spin. 

[soos_mite_ah]

@modmyth OMFG Lights just unlocked a series of memories for me. I had a phase where I was really into her music and her style from like 2011 to 2014. I remember it was just me and my friend who got me into her but I don't remember her being huge. I remember her being Canadian and I'm guessing she was bigger there than in the U.S. Or maybe it was just where I was going to school idk. But yeah I strived for that aesthetic in my early teens. It was that and Hayley William's style in like 2010. 

Also when I think of 2008-2012, I immediately think of Jersey shore and edm party music. When it comes to fashion, I think of bump its. I think they were just there for a couple years but for some reason I remember them so clearly lol.

 

[soos_mite_ah]

8 hours ago, modmyth said:

@soos_mite_ah  I went through a phase of being influenced by that type of style too. I feel like pretty much everything Lights wore was a good example of what looked better on skinnier, thinner framed girls (IMO) as in it came off as a bit too provocative if you have more curves. This was something I used to be a bit jealous about, because if you're very thin, this looks cute and effortless

Like I used to dress like this too, but everything has to be a bit more covered up, heh. Especially upstairs. (Like what if I don't want to constantly wear dresses or cinch everything at the waist just because that's what supposedly looks good on my body type?) (And yea, I didn't think that many Americans were aware of Lights at all, I find it interesting that you and your friend were; she was a fairly big deal here but then the Canadian music scene is much smaller. Evidence: the Juno award)

Yes I relate to this so much. I got the message early on that I can't dress in some ways that my friends were because it would look too provocative based on the stares I got. I remember being young and impressionable then because I thought there was something wrong with me because certain clothes look totally different when I wear them versus when someone skinner would wear them. I was basically in this mentality that I needed to fit into clothes instead of finding clothes that fit me. And that mentality took a couple years to break free from. Even now, shopping feels more like a chore because what something looks like on a model or on the hanger might look completely different on me so as a result there is this whole trial and error process (and it doesn't help how women's sizes are literally all over the place). 

And yeah that is the version of Hayley Williams I wanted to be in terms of style. Especially when it came to hair because i didn't know that I had curly/wavy hair and as a result I did a shit job in taking care of it. I flat ironed my hair so often back then that I got a lot of heat damage. Also I would cut my hair super short because I didn't know what to do with my hair and because I was going through that whole "I'm not like other girls" phase. I cringe now because of the amount of internalized misogyny I had but I remember that being a very prevalent trope back then.  I'm pretty sure it's still there now but I'm not super up to date on things but I feel like there are more people calling out that trope and making fun of it. 

[soos_mite_ah]

@modmythYeah shopping for clothes with a larger chest can be difficult. One relief about college is that I didn't have to think about that as much because I don't have to deal with dress codes and I moved into my dorm so I didn't have to deal with my mom getting on to me for what I was wearing. Even though I did loosen up a little, I'm still in the habit of dressing conservatively because of that. For a few years I thought it was normal to put this much thought into shopping until I went shopping with a couple friends a year ago or so and then part of me was like *oh, so most people don't think about how things fit that much*

Shopping for bras is annoying as hell. It's difficult to find my size and when I do it's expensive. I remember back in 2018 I had to buy a bra because I went up a size, I saw the price tag and then I was like *that's it I'm wearing pasties, I'm just going to slap them on and call it a day.* With the exception of certain clothes, I just don't wear a bra because I really don't care anymore

And when it comes to family, I cared so much more when I was younger. Now when it comes to comments, it doesn't feel hurtful but it more so feel awkward and disrespectful. I'm pretty sure when I move back to my dorm in college, my mom's opinions will fade even more because I'm not going to hear them everyday. 

As for hair, I didn't see that many people flat iron their hair like that. But I do remember there were a lot of girls who would get relaxers  to permanently straighten their hair when I was in elementary-middle school because I was in a predominantly black area. Then once I got to high school, everyone started getting into wearing their hair natural and doing the big chop so that they won't ever have to get a relaxer to fry their hair again. A lot of it had to do with rejecting Eurocentric beauty standards. Even though I don't have coily curly hair, I remember that at this time after talking to some people I realized that I have curly/wavy hair and that I shouldn't brush it out because that will ruin the pattern and make it look like a frizzy mess which was one of the big reasons why I reached for the flat iron in the first place. I still flat iron my hair every now and then but it's mainly because I'm too lazy to deal with taking care of my hair. 

 

[soos_mite_ah]

@modmyth Yeah I realized that a lot of people don't notice unless they are staring at your chest. I feel like that's my attitude toward my body image as a whole as I grow up which is the notion that people aren't scrutinizing your looks the way you do to yourself. They are either too busy to care, they are too worried about themselves to pay any attention to you, or they care but that's because of their own insecurities. In that case of people staring, my attitude is that they are the weird ones and they were probably going to stare regardless of if I was wearing a bra or not so I just stopped caring. 

I also resorted to doing the Billie Eilish when I was younger, but that was mainly because my mom would freak out over anything remotely form fitting. The whole thing about curvier women being promiscuous is rooted in classism and purity culture. It's a mess.

The whole expectation of how to do your hair to appear professional is bs. It's pretty clearly rooted in racism smh. But I get why some people would just opt to chemically straighten their hair once and be done with it instead of doing their hair on a daily/ weekly basis. Wearing natural hair can in some cases be more expensive and high maintenance because of the products you need to keep it moisturized and to make it look presentable. But that should be up to your personal choice not up to how you want to be perceived by others. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Gentleness and My Journal on Getting My Diet Together

I have been focusing on learning how to be gentle with myself for the last few months because some of the issues I have been talking. I talk more about this and my perfectionistic tendencies in my main journal.

I was thinking about my eating habits and my body image and eventually I started thinking of how gentleness plays a role in all of this. Here is a quote from an entry in my main journal. 

On 12/3/2020 at 11:07 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Gentleness and Discipline 

• Gentleness is patience 
• Gentleness is slow 
• Gentleness is attentive 
• Gentleness is forgiving
• Gentleness is mercy 
• Gentleness is calm 
• Gentleness is soft 
• Gentleness is loving
• Gentleness is empathetic
• Gentleness is acceptance 
• Gentleness is not rushed 
• Gentleness is not chaotic 
• Gentleness is not having unreasonable expectations and doing 20 things at once 
• Gentleness is not harsh 

Upon making this list, I also could see the overlap between gentleness and discipline Here is what I noticed: 

Gentleness is slow. Gentleness is not rushed, Gentleness is not chaotic. 

• Discipline is also slow and not rushed. To be disciplined is to be in it for the long haul. It isn't doing all of your assignments in the last minute and having spikes where you work really hard and moments when you don't work at all. It is consistent, not chaotic. 

Gentleness is patience.

• Discipline also involves patience. Because you aren't doing everything all at once, you aren't going to get instant results. It's going to be gradual and slow but it will pay off more in the long run. 

Gentleness is not having unreasonable expectation. Gentleness is empathetic. Gentleness is forgiving. 

• Discipline involves all of these things as well in order to be effective. You need to have reasonable expectations to maintain motivation and not give up due to a sense of futility. You need empathy to gage where you're at with any disciplined practice. And finally you need forgiveness because if you are starting out disciplining yourself in any aspect of life, you aren't going to be good at it initially. It will take time and that is ok. 

The main reason why I feel that I wasn't successful at fixing my diet before this attempt was because I wasn't gentle with myself. I wasn't patient or slow, I wanted a quick fix. I wanted to go on a juice cleanse and be really strict with myself for 3 weeks and have a flat stomach because I thought that's what health was. That's what the diet industry sold to me. I mentioned this many times in my journal but I'm pretty sure the reason why people are reluctant to try healthy eating is because they have this incorrect preconceived notion that is going to be hellish and restrictive. I wasn't attentive to my body or my tastes in foods  so when I did inevitably backslide because I wasn't feeling well or I hated the food I felt that I had to be eating (or not eating) I was harsh with myself. Instead of trying to be attentive and fix my approach to what I was doing, I blamed myself for my lack of discipline instead of being forgiving. Growing up I wasn't loving, empathetic, or accepting towards my body. Sure there is improvement to be made now but my body image was so much worse when I was growing up because I was surrounded by unhealthy messages. I had this rushed and chaotic approach to diet and exercise because I wanted fast results since I wasn't happy with the way that I looked. I had unrealistic expectations when it came to tackling the bad habits with food and I tried to fix everything overnight. 

And in the end of all of this, I blamed myself for not having discipline.  I didn't realize how much of discipline goes hand in hand with gentleness until fairly recently. I think it's because when we think of people achieving big things, we imagine these monumental and dramatized efforts. It's what makes good stories. Since we are talking about food related stuff in this journal, I think a good example of dramatized efforts is any reality tv show that is about weight loss where they show clients working out for hours a day with a team of professionals and then they change their body in a matter of 2 months or something crazy like that. When in reality, if you are trying to get healthy, it's a bunch of incremental steps with small acts of discipline. But if you go in thinking it's going to be this mountain you have to climb and it's going to be a harsh journey from start to finish, you're never going to want to start even the smallest step. Part of being disciplined and being gentle with yourself is accepting mundane small steps instead of taking drastic measures and in doing so you are showing more patience towards what you're trying to achieve because you have faith in the final outcome. 

After thinking about all of this, I noticed that I still have difficulty of being gentle with myself in the areas where I'm the most soft and vulnerable because I have this mindset of basing my worth on my competence due to my perfectionistic tendencies. I was thinking about this in terms of my emotions but then I was like *wait, this is also literal and physical.* What I mean by that is that I have difficulty in being gentle with myself and accepting the softest part of my physical body which is my stomach. It's always been the squishiest part of me and I wished that this little bit of squish wasn't there. I always wanted a flat stomach even when I know it isn't a realistic thing for me. I thought that was interesting and that this is a place where I can embody gentleness even more. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Rating the Types of Food Habits My Mom Tried to Implement Growing Up

My mom was a health nut and she tried to pull all types of things to keep us healthy. Don't get me wrong, I'm appreciative of her intent, she just didn't always go about it in the best way. 

Low Fat/No Fat Diet

Very 80s and 90s. It's vintage but not in a fun way. Goes along with the misconception that fat makes you fat. For the longest time I wasn't allowed to bring avocados in the house and my mom would judge me if I put too much butter on my toast. Any snacks we had in the house was low fat or low calories. Most of the times it was ok and I didn't notice but sometimes it really messed with the taste of the food. Like fat free ranch tastes absolutely disgusting and not like ranch at all.

I would rate this a -1000/10 because I was always hungry (since fat usually keeps you satiated), I got addicted to sugar (because fat free/ low fat alternatives are usually loaded with sugar so that the food in question doesn't taste bad), the conception is rooted in misinformation, and because fat free salad dressing tastes like trash. 

 

Having no snacks in the house 

This was annoying because after school I would be hungry and there would be nothing in the house. She didn't want to have snacks in the house because she thought snacking would mean extra calories and then we would all get fat. The good part about this is that I never got hooked on unhealthy processed foods and I never developed the habit of eating chips and cookies constantly. Cutting out junk food doesn't feel drastic to me because I never had that type of food in my house in the first place so implementing healthy habits in some cases is easier.  I would rate this a 6/10 mainly because it was annoying but over all helped me have healthy taste for food and because I would find other ways to snack behind her back anyway. 

 

All ways buying organic 

 My mom would mainly buy fresh produce and make sure it's organic. I don't know to what extent whether or not food being organic matters so this might be an unnecessary expense for peace of mind. But it did mean that everything I was eating was freshly made from scratch and that my meals didn't come from a sketchy box. I can appreciate building that habit and having that be normalized at home from a young age. I rate this an 8/10

 

Being terrified of berries 

She did take the whole buying things organic thing too far once. My mom once went through a phase where she was terrified of berries, especially strawberries I guess because of pesticides. Every time I would try to buy strawberries she would be like "NO WE'RE NOT GETTING STRAWBERRIES, THEY ARE POISON AND HAVE CHEMICALS ON THEM." This continued for a few years. I'm surprised this stuck around for that long because I'm pretty sure all this happened because she saw an episode of Dr. Oz talking about pesticides. Dr. Oz was basically her ultimate authority for anything health related during this time. I rate this a 1000/10 because this is a funny story and because it taught me to be critical of the media. 

 

Throwing out my Halloween Candy

Like most kids, I looked forward to Halloween so that I  could go trick or treating. But because I was a little chubbier than the other kids, my mom didn't want me to eat the the candy I got trick or treating. So as a result she would throw my candy out and then gas light me by telling me that I probably already ate it all. I rate this a 2/10 because even though I don't think this instance traumatized me (because lets be real there are plenty of other things that traumatized me instead when it came to food and body image), it did make me sad as a 10 year old. 

 

Judging me for eating at restaurants or when my family would get invited for dinner 

This would normally happen because I chose a less healthy option at a restaurant, like choosing fries over broccoli that one time or when I would go to get more food when my family would get invited to dinner at a friend's house. She would stare me down and say "no you're not doing that you need to watch what you eat." I rate this a 3.5/10 in a restaurant setting when I'm only with my parents mainly because it is judgmental and controlling and made me nitpicky around food but ultimately I would brush it off and eat normally. But I would rate this a -20/10 when I'm at a friend's house because the people around me would hear my mom being crazy and feel compelled to say something like "oh but she looks great, eating a little more every now and then doesn't hurt." I rate this instance much lower because there would be this tenseness and awkwardness in the air for everyone involved. 

 

Not being allowed to eat anything sweet

My mom also got in the habit of demonizing sugar. By making it off limits it just made me crave it more. Also it didn't make me stop eating sugar and instead my dad and I would sneak out and get ice cream together. It was a bonding experience for us since we just wanted to eat in peace without getting yelled at. I rate this a 5/10 because I didn't listen and snuck out and did what I wanted to anyway. It was ineffective to say the least.