I never failed so hard in my life... my college experience

[Don Wei]

I decided to go to university because that was the most respected secure path to take in my country and all my friends were doing it. It was also the only way for me to go to a richer country with more oppertunities in life. But the technical science-ish path was never the right path for me because I have always been very artistic and creative. I was always the one in school creating stories for performances and I was pretty good at acting at that time. I have always been connected to music too and especially to art. There are 2 professional artists (painters) in my family and my cousin is a succesful actrice in my country who is right now working on some kind of show or movie or serie with oprah. So it should have been very clear from the start what to do. But these creative skills i've had were useless in the country where I lived and it's still difficult making a living doing it in the netherlands where I live now. So I followed my scientific career and was decently succesful until I started college. I always loved self improvement and education so I have been focusing on that since I was like 12  and I looked down on people with dead end jobs and people who don't want to be the best version of themself and become more conscious. Another reason why I focused so much on self inprovement as a kid was because I was extremely issolated and kinda missed a part of my childhood but that's another story. 

I have never been so miserable and depressed in my entire life as when I started college back in september. Not only did I suffer mentally but also physically and I grew more aggressive and angry even though I read the power of now recently I still struggle with my depression. I really can't take this anymore because college takes all my time and energy even though being an engineer is not my end goal or my passion. I am writing a book right now and the people I showed absolutely loved it, and I of course still need to improve my technical writing skills but I have a lot of passion and creativity to write it, I think I would keep doing this, even if nobody wanted to read them. And I also always wanted to become either a director or actor, but most people discouraged me from doing that.

I now decided to stop my college education to become an engineer because I cannot focus on my real purpose this way and decided to do architecture which is also not my main goal but at least closer to it and easier for me which will give me more time to work on my real goal and improve myself. The ironic part is that even though I looked down on dead end jobs I am now forced to work at one in the meantime because my architecture class starts next year in september... everything leo said would happen in his toxic life purpose and college video happened to me. It almost feels like it doesn't matter what I do because someway I will always get back on the right path. I had been ignoring my intuition for too long but this decision does make me feel relieved and good so I guess it was the right choice ? Even though I have to work a part time job in the meantime in order to still have money to eat and work on my purpose to digg myself out of this mess ? 

Do you guys having any advice about this ? I still think negative about part time and dead end jobs, but I'll have to do it for a few months and the fact that I'll do an easier education doesn't mean I'll be slacking off and doing nothing. I'll use my extra time for my true purpose. This college thing doesn't serve me anymore.

[Willie]

Well, architects are basically the halfway point between artists and engineers. I hope it works out well for you!

[Guest SirVladimir]

Since I first immersed myself in spirituality, I have lost my ability to perform high-end mathematics and technical deduction. Anything that does not relate to my life purpose, what does not spark a kernel of authenticity, I cannot outwit myself to doing. Ignorance had been easy; whatever had been served to me I had taken as a dinner before introspective vision came like a tide. Combating tasks and equations had felt wired into my mind. But consciousness came from on high and literally restructured my brain. For a long time, I was like, "Fuck, I lost my mind... And in a way, I'm still losing it. I cannot take the safe route now, for the cost of forfeiting Universal Beauty is too high. Why cannot I perform mathematics and conventional reasoning anymore? Have I grown a tumor? Yes, that must be it -- am I sick? Have I developed Alzheimer's? Why am I forgetting things as soon as they enter my ear?" And it felt scary. And depressing. Nowadays it still happens, but I know it's because intention and authenticity are what powers my learning. My baseline state of being literally refuses to learn anything unless it speaks to my heart. If I were to return to normality, I would have to beat myself to it, forget the heart, forget who I am. I am nothing but a humble traveler on this path, and my ego time-to-time craves I had never left the burrow, but let me ask you: What is your true calling? What is too precious - however impractical - to be yielded to the game? To plant a simplistic cliché MBTI analogy into your mind, I had used to be in the NT group, most likely an INTP or INTJ, but through authentic development and breakthroughs too powerful to be spoken of, I flipped over to the NF group, and because mathematics and hard facts no longer arouse me nor immerse me, it naturally makes me ineffective and unmotivated in pursuing and using them. (Note that MBTI is a very simple model, and a model above all, and further down the road it breaks.)

Welcome to the writers' club. I'm interested in what your book's about. If you'd like to discuss creative writing privately, strike me a DM. 

 

Edited December 6, 2020 by SirVladimir

[blackchair]

relax, i failed at 2 diffrent colleges, lol.

[Don Wei]

@SirVladimir I am now writing a book with horror as the main genre but only because I got some kind of inspirition, some kind of weird ecstatic feeling and vision that I desperately want to share with the world. I can't escape it either, because random words, sight's and thought's, at this point almost everything I am conscious of, everything I can sense is art to me and I love to share this beauty and these amazing stories with as many people as possible. I get ideas for books almost everyday but I don't write them or try to remember most of them because I am confident that I will get this flow state again, so I don't try to hold on to it. I don't want to tell everything about the book and all my ideas but it involves a suicidal young man who's life is falling apart and in some way comes in contact with a mysterious group or cult (haven't decided yet) who are able to store souls of certain people and switch them with other people's souls. They somehow promise him they will give him a soul of a very succesful person so he can easily get out of his shitty life and become a better person but it all goes downhill from there. I don't only want to make them feel scared but I want to make them feel as many emotions as possible and feel the same emotion I feel when I gain insight or when I am completely in the moment and feel amazing. It doesn't even have to be by writing books. If it were movies then I would be okay with that, but I choose books because I don't need much money to start and I can write anything I want without having to worry about money for special effects or staff.

[Guest SirVladimir]

9 minutes ago, Don Wei said:

It doesn't even have to be by writing books.

Of course. It's likely you share my Zone of Genius. I've defined it as 'exploring the beauty of the universe'. Writing books is merely a medium. What impels us is the sheer sense of wonder and beauty. Good luck with the book you broached. May your writing stand up to its plot.