Feeling a bit like you're in war

[electroBeam]

Just wanted to share a tiny part of my personal journey on the spiritual path.

Since about 4-6 months ago, started getting spontaneous ego deaths sober. It use to occur twice a week, now its once a week. With sober ego deaths, you never know whether you've poisoned yourself, overdosed on something, having a life threatening disease or whether an insect or animal has injected you with venom. Or on the flip side, whether you're just having a psychological phenomena (which has been every case so far, otherwise I wouldn't be here, I would be in the hospital, or reincarnated into a different universe/dream).

Even though its just an ego death, because its sober, you can never tell the difference between ego death and physical death. On psychedelics I guess you can make rationale that its normal and you'll come back, but sober you can't do that, because you never know why its happening.

The littlest things trigger it, and they occur at the most inconvenient times. It occurs when I'm feeling the energy of a sort of food, the feeling and how it reacts to the stomach just causes waves of energy to rise, exponentially increasing dissociation and am. It occurs when I'm feeling the inertia of the elevator coming up and down. It occurs if I eat lots of berries or take too many supplements, it occurs if I sniff too much cleaning products or solvents, it occurs if I'm getting too angry at something, it occurs if I'm getting too relaxed, or sometimes it occurs for absolutely no reason at all. Sometimes it occurs when you're driving or in a meeting with your boss.

The process is always the same. Energy starts to raise in your body, sometimes it comes in waves, sometimes its gradual. The waves are the worst because there is more suspense. The first wave comes, then you've got time to relax when it settles, but from experience you know another wave is going to come, and the suspense kicks in. Then that second wave hits, that's when you're seriously feeling that existential terror, that amnesia and loss of knowing what the universe is, what maths is, science is, your family is, etc. And that dissociation from the body kicks in hard. you start to feel a bit of a swaying or sense that space is jumbling up a bit. Then the third wave hits, surrounded by amnesia and dissociation, you're seriously contemplating the possibility that you'll never see the dream that you're in ever again. Did you poison yourself? Is this God's way of saying that's it for this dream? You never know. For me personally, most of what I care about is knowing how reality works, and the universe has a way of giving you what you want. And knowing how reality works means bye bye to the universe, so you never know whether God is fulfilling your wish on this particular ego death.

After the ego death its beautiful, no dream, just white everywhere, complete amnesia, and complete love.

Yet even though you may remember this, doesn't make the ego death any less frightening. You can accept ego death more and more, but you never get rid of the terror, nor use to the impracticalities of passing out while doing stuff like shopping or work.

And most normies and even people on here would think that this is abnormal, but its only abnormal from this time period. Tribesmen had to accept the possibility that they would die at any day due to the harsh realities of conflicts with other tribes, diseases and misshaps with hunting, or your own tribesmen turning against you.

Just a few decades ago, 19 year olds had to walk every day with the possibility that they would step on a mine. The song "I was only 19" and the verse "A four week operation, when each step can mean your last one on two legs" really illustrates that possibility and mindset.

And ironically, despite the melancholic vibes, such ego deaths emanate your bones with humility, acceptance, and connection with the human race, especially humans in the past. Its a beautiful irony that having ego deaths every week isolates you from the human race of today, yet gives you a deep appreciation for humans of the past... a much bigger time period then this narrow slice of peacetime. When I'm listening to war songs, I join in with them with the singing, we all get each other. The generation of today have no idea how good they got it. The empathy is unparalleled when this happens to you. You see a Chinese guy on the street fearing for his life, and you totally get it, especially the part where no one else knows what that fear is like because they are so god damn lucky.

But the generation of today also have it really badly, because without the possibility of death at any moment, means no possibility of accepting the worst case scenario, and a hidden trauma of always protecting and chasing after avoiding your worst nightmare. Its a locking yourself in a cage. Its a fabrication of delusion and arrogance. After such ego deaths happening regularly, you can't even pretend that you're macho. Because it freaks you out every time, no matter how enlightened or advanced you think you are, or how much progress you went through. What both you, the almighty enlightened starseed alien, and the stupid, foolish military soldier normie both share in common, is you're both freaked out by death, no matter how many near death experiences (or actual ego death) you have, but both of you know that your only option is accepting the fact that this dream may be the last moment it will exist, sucking it up, and getting on with it. Both of you know what's worth it, and what isn't, because any day could be your last.

I'm not sure how many "spiritual people" go through this. Doesn't sound like much based on the reports from this forum, and talking to spiritual people face to face in my local country. I'd imagine that lots of them are too enlightened to go through such things. They have already had ego death, nothing scares them anymore, they are in heaven already, and know everything. Unfortunately that isn't the case for me, my brain works uniquely where this will stuff happen till mahasamadhi or at very least till the body and mind gets hit with a bus. I find connection and solace with the humans of the past.

It sounds depressing, but that wasn't the point of this post. I think existential terror, possibility of never seeing this dream ever again, deep dissociation and amnesia to have a beautiful sort of charisma to it, the side of the coin that's neglected by us because we're too busy chasing manifestation and insights and increasing baseline states of consciousness, and realizations, yet its no less beautiful. Its the compliment of all of that stuff. All of the former is what separates us in a sense, while the latter is what connects us all together.

[Someone here]

Beautiful and insightful as always thanks for sharing and good luck in your journey man. 

Edited December 4, 2020 by Someone here

[electroBeam]

On 12/4/2020 at 4:44 PM, Someone here said:

Beautiful and insightful as always thanks for sharing and good luck in your journey man. 

thanks for the love man!

On 12/4/2020 at 5:07 PM, Keyhole said:

I relate.  I still can't fully accept it.
There's power in death, though... but it seems to inch on in little increments.
I tell myself I'll find my way back to the door.  I'll do it tonight, I say...
No... next week...
Until it hits me out of the blue.

Everyone waits for me on the other side.
Their love...
Hope...
Maybe even salvation.

Good luck, staring it in the face as it takes light of your soul.
Good luck.
Be brave.

Everything of any worth any value is on the other side of this, don't forget.  Always keep it in your heart, even if you are afraid.  The whole chain sings from this space.

nice song!

On 12/4/2020 at 6:56 PM, Shunyata said:

You are wrong about this generation. We are living in an extraordinary historical time of the end of Kali Yuga. 

Ego death in our generation is not about doing this in order to find your bliss or anything, you either get self-realized or you die. The extreme circumstances are going to force us to awaken. And it's going to be really hard for an infantile ego that never grew up to face such a challenge. 

every historical time is extraordinary, given the creative context you put it in.

[Eren Eeager]

Why don't you go deeper than ever with psychedelics or do multiple 5 meo sessions ,leo style. Maybe that will work it out or maybe make it worse , who knows? 

[electroBeam]

5 minutes ago, Eren Eeager said:

Why don't you go deeper than ever with psychedelics or do multiple 5 meo sessions ,leo style. Maybe that will work it out or maybe make it worse , who knows? 

Funny synchronicity, been having strong urges to do this recently. But for a completely different reason. What i posted above was part of a purification process of developing empathy for others in pain.

[Eren Eeager]

5 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

What i posted above was part of a purification process of developing empathy for others in pain.

Love u ❤️❤️

[electroBeam]

8 hours ago, Eren Eeager said:

Love u ❤️❤️