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To feel loved and to feel loving

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Hi all,

I'm not here to ask for help off anyone regarding this, this is just a beautiful new thing I'm experiencing what feels like for the first time that I'd like to share with anyone who's interested in reading.

So for two years, a chapter ended in my life. I left school, left my toxic friend group, left my toxic romantic relationship with no concrete plans for anything. For those two years I spent a lot of time with myself learning personal development theory and just self reflecting a lot about who I am. After a year I got employed with my first proper job, I soon grew to not enjoy being a wage slave funnily enough. But every weekend, I'd do nothing pretty much. I had this idea in my head for a long time that this would be good for me in the long run and that it was healthy for me to be so concerned about me and only me, invest no time in others, I remember rejecting the idea of having friends at one point. I thought I was making myself happy.

Up until recently. My next door neighbours are a family of 4, two kids that are 8 and 10 (I'm 20) and their parents are 38. They'd moved in around 2 years ago from now and my dog recently started going over the wall separating our gardens to go and play with them. Since lockdown I'd started to talk to my neighbours more and more and it's grown into this beautiful relationship where I go round to their house and we watch films, play board games, go for walks together with my dog. The day after the first time I actually spent and evening with them I felt really depressed, I then realised at that point that after all this time I've spent trying to invest in myself and be healthy in mind that it's been totally out of balance and that you need positive relationships and people you care about that care about you to achieve a certain level of fulfillment in life.

It was way way way out of balance and it definitely didn't make me happy, I felt completely worthless and felt like life wasn't worth living.


Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.

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