The Joy Journal

[soos_mite_ah]

The Ways I Have Grown at 20 Part 2

Mid March 2020- May 2020

So I had to finish my spring semester of my sophomore year at home. I also let go of a friend during this time. Our relationship was slowly coming undone since about November 2019 because we were moving towards different chapters of our lives. I was moving towards more positivity since I have solved a lot of my issues regarding my family and I was more oriented towards positivity and building healthy habits. She on the other hand was still dealing with a lot in regards to her family. There is nothing wrong with that. I was definitely in that part of my journey as well so I understand. I stuck around mainly because for one she was my roommate and two I saw myself as the therapist friend. When we met initially we mainly bonded over shared trauma so it wasn't the healthiest of circumstances. I set boundaries with her in regards to what I am and am not willing to discuss and while she never crossed those boundaries once, the boundaries didn't help because the foundation of the relationship was off in the first place. I thought, hey, maybe once I move back home and get some space from her, then things will turn out ok. It didn't and I had to cut her off. 

During this time I unpacked why I was the therapist friend. It's for a plethora of reasons ranging from not being raised in a stable environment, my family venting to me about things that I'm not old enough to deal with, having to deal with things earlier than what is appropriate, wanting guidance and therefore giving guidance to people who look like they need it so they don't have to suffer the way I did, having chaos being my defining personality trait for a bulk of my life, and more. I also isolated myself from people who triggered my inner Dr. Phil as well. In this isolation amidst COVID, I healed a variety of wounds that caused me to be the therapist friend. 

During this time I was also trying to cope with the pandemic. I went through the cycles of grief. I suppose I was grieving the previous state of the world. The whole thing was such a shock and didn't make sense. It happened faster than my ability to process it. First my study abroad plans were cancelled and I was left scrambling for new plans for the summer and then not even a week later everything gets shut down and all of my classes are online. It seemed so absurd and strange.  After the shock wore off, I was faced with anger ( didn't really go through the denial phase tbh). I was angry with the people in power. I was angry with how I regressed because I had to move back in with my parents. I was angry with myself for not coming up with better plans for the summer. But most importantly I was scared. I was scared of the possibility of being broke and unemployed, to never fully gain my independence as an adult. Then I moved into the depression stage. And thats where my grades started falling. It was pretty discouraging tbh. I thought maybe, just maybe I was back to normal academically because I put down some good habits and I was doing great emotionally. Yeah... I was wrong. I luckily finished the semester with half way decent grades. Then I went into the meaning making part of the cycles of grief. I was trying to piece together why this was happening, what will humanity look like after this, etc. I went all mad scientist and started researching with enthusiasm. How will the economy look? What does it mean for health care in the U.S.? How will we progress past this. 

I didn't come into the acceptance stage until July or so.

I also decided to start a serious meditation habit where I meditate for anywhere from 1-2 hours daily. Its been paying off I'd say. It helped with a lot of the shadow work that I did in the future and helped me get it together.  

June 2020-August 2020 

I moved into research/ mad scientist mode as a part of my meaning making stage of dealing with grief when it came to COVID. I delved into my studies more and I took two summer classes. It was a very fulfilling experience and I feel like that along with me joining this forum helped me be more solidly yellow. 

I started dealing with a lot of repressed anger which I worked through. I learned how to integrate anger in a healthy way and better assert myself in this time. Because I'm at home all the time and now that I don't have classes, I was forced to be with my parents all the time. Though I didn't enjoy it, it forced me to mend my relationship with them. I still don't think I can talk to them about many things but my relationship with them has improved. I'm still thinking of distancing myself after I get a stable job but that decision is no longer coming from a place of pain. 

I really delved into shadow work during this time and I got depressed again. I realized that my entire personality is essentially a coping mechanism that the ego made to survive in childhood. I carry a lot of labels from my childhood until now. I talked about a lot of this in my journal so far. I feel that because I wrote things out and I delved into it more, in a way it healed it. Because awareness alone is curative. I'm still on this journey to keep unpacking it.

I also learned on how I don't have to be special or interesting or *insert positive quality here* in order to be lovable. In order to be worthy of love, I just need to be, because well, I am love.  I think I unpacked a lot of trauma I had regarding lovability in the recent months. After talking to a therapist more about this subject instead of tackling it on my own, I made an immense amount of progress. I know that I have a tendency to point the blame at myself and assume that "there is something wrong with me." This comes from a desire to take responsibility and do something about the situation. However, blaming and saying something is your fault is not the same as accepting responsibility. Taking responsibility means you are using your ability to respond. Shame weighs as person down and stops them from responding constructively. I feel that I integrated that well towards the end of August. 

I got rid of all of my food cravings and now currently have a very healthy diet. I'm so proud of myself for achieving this as I was working towards finding and creating a diet that works for me for quite some time now. 

September 2020

School has been kicking my ass. I'm not off to a good start. I slumped into a state of anxiety and depression with my future and realized that I don't like my major. Luckily this gave me a better idea as to what kind of career I want going forward. Additionally, I had a couple mental breakdowns and I had to self soothe through writing my feelings. It was an excellent exercise in resilience and a good test to see how much I can apply the lessons I learned prior to this occurrence. I got a better guide for my shadow work through my religion class and I have had some insights from that class as well. I also solidified my sense of school spirit and I feel that I have addressed my issue with elitism once and for all. 

I have gotten out of this anti-social funk that I got myself into because of prolonged isolation. I basically realized that I'm just fine and that I didn't magically turn into an awkward duck during quarantine. I also addressed some of my social anxiety during this  month as well and I'm sure I will be ok. 

I began truly understanding how important discipline is. I let myself backslide in terms of discipline as I moved back home and my structure for my day to day life dissolved with the pandemic. I'm currently in the process of implementing this more but I will say that I had to have a pretty rough fall to learn this lesson. Hopefully I will get out of this semester in one piece. I've also been trying to find stability because the times feel especially unstable with rising fascism in the U.S. It's been a struggle.

I also began addressing issues regarding imposter syndrome, my trauma regarding academic performance from 2018-now that I have had to deal with in therapy, and the anxiety of moving into adulthood during an economic depression. So lets see how that goes.  While I did learn a lot from September, I will say that this month has been a struggle and an ego backlash month more than anything. 

Edited October 4, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The Ways I've Grown at 20 Part 3 

Part 1 and 2 were to summarize what actually went on. I had to clear my mind because there was so much that happened between October 2019 and October 2020. Now for Part 3 I will be just making a simple list to shorten part 1 and 2 for simplicity. 

1. Got over the blank slate feeling 
2. Created an identity outside of chaos 
3. Connected to a sense of joy that I haven't felt since childhood
4. Stopped having trauma dominate my narrative
5. Stopped procrastinating as much 
6. Started taking care of myself more both in terms of physically taking care of myself but also taking care of my environment
7. Learned what its like to be with a guy who actually cares out you 
8. Learned how much power and privilege can blind a person from their own perspective (I didn't include this in my previous post but it is something I learned by dealing with people in my classes).
9. Dealt with grief for a family friend and the fears I had with losing my own family 
10. Contemplated my own death and wtf I'm doing with my life along with issues regarding mortality
11. Learned about generational trauma and how things work in human rights in south Asia, and how religious conflict works in that part of the world. I also learned about how colonized my perspective of my own background was. 
12. Realized how much I have grown since I can't resonate with my family anymore
13. Came to terms how the trauma and growth probably mentally aged me. 
14. Stopped being the therapist friend 
15. Moved towards more positivity and surrounded myself with more people like that accordingly 
16. Dealt with the grief with rapidly changing times 
    1. includes the shock, the anger, the depression, the meaning making, and the acceptance
17. Started seriously meditating 
18. Got rid of my food cravings/ got my diet together
19. Cultivated a healthier relationship with food
20. Cultivated a healthier body image 
21. Unpacked my limiting beliefs regarding the school that I'm going to 
22. Did a lot of shadow work and unraveled labels from my childhood
23. Dealt with the depression that came along with shadow work
24. Moved into stage yellow in spiral dynamics more 
25. Mended my relationship with my parents more 
26. Integrated the notion that I don't have to be special to be loved and that this whole thing is the work of the ego
27. Gained responsibility for my feelings by not resorting to blaming myself
28. Tackled a lot of shame regarding taking up space
29. Realized that I needed to change my major 
30. Found a better potential path for my future career
31. Addressed some of the social anxiety that came up due to isolation
32. Understood exactly how important discipline is
33. Started addressing imposter syndrome 
34. Started addressing trauma relating to academic

And finally....

    35. Realized how much I have grown this year by writing things out and how I haven't turned into my 14 year old self after moving back home

Sometimes I see this whole situation as something that caused me to regress. I have had times in the past month or so where I felt as though I wasn't growing or that stability and happiness in the future are not things worth striving for since I haven't gotten anywhere. In reality, that is me being consumed in the myopia of my current negative mood which ultimately distracts from the bigger picture in the effort to survive in the present. Even writing things out in this post helped me regain this sense of perspective that I am in fact doing what I need to be doing and that I am still making progress. And I'm so proud of myself for that.  I can't wait to see how I grow in the coming year. 

It also makes sense why I've been feeling this ego backlash. Lately I've been craving more stability and stagnation because I'm tired of everything changing all the time. Truth is, I've grown and I need time to slow down a little and have all of this fully sink in before adding new things to the list. 

Edited October 4, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Smart = Safety 

I have been trying to shed the label of being the smart kid for the last few months. I have made some progress in that I no longer base my self worth on being smart. However, I do notice that this label hasn't disappeared yet. One of the key reasons why that is so is that the smart label shields me from uncertainty.  I was told that if I am smart and if I get good grades then I will be ok in life. That message was drilled into me in many ways and consequently I equated good grades to a stable and secure future. Here are some ways I associated good grades/ being smart with security and why they don't make sense. 

1. I didn't get beat up as a kid by my mom if I brought home good grades

• That was horrible parenting on her part tbh. This type of conditioning is arbitrary not absolute. You aren't going to get beat up if you make a mistake in the real world. 

2. The sentiment of if I get good grades, I will get a good job, then I'll find a good husband, and I'll settle down and have a family. All of that is dependent on my schooling because it is the foundation. 

• Getting good grades doesn't guarantee anything. There are people who did good in school and who don't have a good job. There are people who did badly in school and turned out ok. It isn't about good grades, rather it is about work ethic. Sure good grades can make some aspects of life easier but it isn't everything. You need to be on the look out for your next step regardless of where you have been. If you made bad grades and its time for you to get a job, you can't dwell on those grades. You need to use/ cultivate that work ethic towards the next step. Grades can be exemplary of work ethic but it isn't the only place where it is present. 

3. Being smart go rid of the uncertainty of the future. I'm smart therefore I will be ok.

• The pandemic has hit everyone regardless of how smart they were. Being smart won't get rid of uncertainty. Sure it can help you cope but you will always deal with some type of problem. That isn't to say that it's time to get hopeless about the future but when we accept pain, we transcend it. 

4. Being smart helped me sort out my own mental issues by myself when I had no help 

• It wasn't because you were smart. It was because you were motivated enough to search out sources that can help you. That information enabled you to make enough tools to deal with your current situation. It isn't that you were smart, it was a question of your determination and resourcefulness. 

5. Smart helped me evade self deception by cultivating awareness 

• Smart can make you even more self deceived because the self deception is even more sophisticated. 

6. Smart means that I can solve my problems and get over it. The emotional piece of coping with problems were ignored in my childhood since my parents couldn't provide for me emotionally. 

• Sometimes you can't outsmart your problems. Sometimes you need to be vulnerable and receptive to healing. Sometimes you need to accept that problems and insecurity are a part of life. Yes it will test you but that is ok because even in your most vulnerable, you're still strong enough to face them. If anything, you are stronger when you are vulnerable because you face the issue in question head on instead of trying to evade it with your smarts. 

[soos_mite_ah]

"Maybe I'm closer to grasping the notion of knowing is imbued with uncertainty that it doesn't feel like knowing at all. Maybe I'm grasping the idea of knowing more facilitated by the knower's internal state than by our usual capacity to generate knowing on command." 

-Elizabeth Lloyd Mayer Extraordinary Knowing

 I've been contemplating the notion of knowing as a state of mind/feeling/ or being  as opposed to knowing as a state of fact

[soos_mite_ah]

Conscious Unconsciousness 

I think to a certain extent, being unconscious is something that can help people get through the day in a healthy way. I feel that this might be a little controversial given that we're mainly here to raise our level of consciousness in order to develop, but I also think one can be unconscious in a conscious way. Here are some scenarios that I have come up with: 

1. Building Habits: Doing things out of habit is largely unconscious. When we do things out of habit, we do things without thinking. It becomes automatic and we aren't fully in the moment in whatever we are doing. Essentially, we go into autopilot. However, we can consciously choose our habits and evaluate them accordingly. For instance, I can consciously choose the habit to wake up at the same time every day because I find that it will help me be more efficient. At first, it will be hard to implement this habit because I have to consciously choose to wake up at the same time everyday if that is something new that I am doing. Eventually, the conscious choice of this being a habit will turn into something that is automatic for me and therefore having an element of unconsciousness. In order to be consciously unconscious, we need to have an element of choice when it comes to what we are willing to go on auto piolet on.

2. Developing a sense of focus: If we are focusing on something very intently, odds are we are blocking out other things. For instance, as I am typing out this journal entry, I'm probably not thinking about how my chair feels (that is until I mentioned it this very moment). In that way, I am unconscious of how my chair feels underneath me because that isn't the place where I am putting my awareness towards. This sense of focus is a survival mechanism. In the wild for example, you don't want to be aware of the pretty clouds and the crisp air when you are being chased by a tiger. You want to block that out and choose to focus on getting away to keep yourself alive. The key work here is choose. Sometimes when it comes to focus, we can be unconsciously unconscious to where we become defensive without meaning to because the perspectives that are being presented to us goes against our agenda. That is an automatic response to keep us safe, however, in some instances such as trying to be openminded, focusing too much on your own perspective can be detrimental. It's important to choose what we do and don't give our focus and therefore our consciousness towards or else our ego will determine it for us. 

3. Avoiding Hyper Analysis: This is something that I have been thinking of in my journey to integrate my basicness especially with clothes. I tend to be very minimalistic with my wardrobe. I have a color palette that I have selected out that matches each other and looks good on me. I have certain styles of clothing that I look out for because I know it will flatter me. I know how to choose clothes according to my life style. I also consider my values regarding fast fashion etc. I'm not the type of person that falls prey to a lot of unnecessary consumption because I am very intentional with my choices which in turn points me towards more consciousness in my decision making. But as I have tried to incorporate more of my basicness, I have tried to let go of some of this intentionality.  I'm trying to be more in tuned with what is cute and fun rather than what is efficient for instance. For me that is bold patterns and colors. Granted that I have already integrated intentional spending previously, it's unlikely that I'm going to get sucked into stage orange toxic consumerism. I'm trying not to overthink it and just go with the flow, just let myself be. Not everything has to be super deep and filled with meaning, it can just be and it's ok to appreciate it for just that. Because when you put too much intent and try to be conscious, you're still in the state of doing rather than in the state of being. And sometimes just letting yourself be, whatever your level of consciousness/ unconsciousness is, is the a conscious way of being unconscious. Letting myself be "basic" has become a way to let myself be a little looser and simply enjoy myself with my journey towards greater awareness. Not everything has to revolve around consciousness work. 

4. Accepting and Embracing Unconsciousness (Loving the Unconsciousness): This goes along with the previous point. There is nothing wrong with being unconscious. In fact just letting yourself be unconscious and accept that can be more beneficial than fighting that unconsciousness. Granted, accepting can have different meanings. Many people see accepting as approving. For example, accepting your gay child is approving their sexuality and saying it's ok. However, sometimes accepting means acknowledgement, and that acknowledgement can lead to healing. For example, accepting violent crime isn't the same thing as approving it. You can accept violent crime and show great love and compassion for it. That doesn't mean that you're going to be this blood thirsty psychopath. Instead showing love and compassion means that you're willing to take the care to analyze the reasons why violent crimes occur and work towards solutions that decrease the suffering that leads people to harm one another. In other words, you accept the unconscious behavior and you acknowledge the factors that contribute to it. Then, you can use that data to consciously come up with solutions to love the unconsciousness or "evil" to death.

The opposite of accepting violent crime can yield to denial of the factors that contribute to crime. It could also lead to a "tough on crime" approach where instead of helping people break the cycle of violence, you insist on harsher punishments for perpetrators. You give out harsher punishments instead of analyzing the issues at hand in a loving and caring manner. This in turn makes things worse because you don't actually address or acknowledge the problem, Instead you partake in retributive justice. I'm not going to sit here and make the argument that "oh you need to be kind to the people who have wronged you because if you don't you're no better than them" or that "you forgive because it's the right thing to do" as if I'm some type of cartoon super hero. If you or a loved one is a victim of a violent crime, it is perfectly acceptable and understandable to be upset.  But by punishing someone because you hate the violence isn't going to systemically future instances of violent crime. Sure you fight fire with fire, but you're still not addressing the systemic problems and in doing so you're not taking a preventative approach to violent crime, you are letting future instances to happen. 

Another really good example I can think of are the differences in acceptance of racism among liberals and conservatives. I would argue that liberals are more accepting of the U.S.'s racist past. That statement would sound absolutely false if you see accepting as approval. However, if we look at accepting as acknowledgement, then that's a different story. Liberal are willing to acknowledge the racism in the American system and point out how the greatly revered founding fathers were slaver owners who committed crimes against humanity. Conservatives on the other hand don't want to accept/ acknowledge America's racist past. It hurts their ego because it presents the notion that the U.S. isn't the greatest country in the world. Instead of accepting this, they want to deny it. They want to deny the existence of systemic racism. They want to deny the possibility that their perspective has a racist bias or blind spot. Some conservatives (Trump), want to go as far to say that we need "patriotic education" where history isn't riddled with how American heroes were racist. And in doing all of this denial, they are letting racism continue on a collective level. In fact, they are willing to let it be a shadow to where they don't want to acknowledge how they could be racist, thus causing them to be racist instead of seeking to educate themselves. In turn, they perpetuate the very thing that they are trying to repress.  That's what happens when we are unconscious with our unconsciousness. Instead we want to be conscious of our unconsciousness so we can make moves to addressing it with love instead of projecting things out ward. Accepting that you have a problem without judgement is the first step towards solving it. 

It's ok to be unconscious. There is no need to demonize it. You don't have to be conscious all the time. Sometimes being unconscious inevitable such as in point #1. In fact in some instance being hyper aware/conscious can be detrimental such as in the case of point #2 and #3. In other cases, that unrealistic expectation of being conscious and perfect all the time can yield to more problems with unconsciousness such as in point #4. In other words, to deal with unconsciousness, you need to consciously love it to death. The act of loving the unconscious is acting with consciousness. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Tik Toks and Videos That Just Make Me Happy

Sometimes you just need that extra dopamine hit 

I strive to be this chill and carefree about life. A whole vibe 

Avatar the Last Airbender just makes me so happy. I watched these two videos so many times and they never fail to put a smile on my face. 

I didn't grow up with pets so as an adult I naturally want all of them lmao. I really want a cat even though I'm allergic. I don't mind being on allergy meds for the rest of my life lol. Also the little *ploop* sound the guy makes when he gives the puppies a belly rub is so wholesome  

These two parodies are so satisfying to me for some reason. It just summarizes all the wild shit that has been going on and I'm here for it. 

Edited October 11, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

More Things I Need to Integrate 

I realized that I am having issues regarding accepting my shortcomings and struggles. As a result I beat myself up for them and thus making the problem snowball to be bigger 

I often think that I'm in no point to be struggling academically. I'm not a STEM major. I'm not going to a prestigious university. There is someone who came to the same university as me from the safe high school and she is doing just fine. But I am struggling. And because I have been struggling for the last couple years, it's becoming harder and harder to not internalize this. Often times, it feels like no matter what I do, it's never enough. As a result, sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. 

I need to understand that regardless of what I'm majoring in and where I'm going, college is going to be hard. And that is ok. We are all getting exposed to new ideas and ways of doing things at a large amount and it takes time to integrate all of it. The reason why I feel so emotionally unsafe is because the notion of being "smart" isn't protecting me from failure. Smart makes me feel safe. It makes me feel as if I can find a solution and weasel myself out of any situation. I'm not any smarter or dumber based on where I am going to college or what I'm studying. Regardless of where I chose to go or what I chose to study I still will be challenged. And that isn't to say that all is hopeless and I'm bound to struggle. No. That is to say that being smart has nothing to do with this situation. You are smart, you are worthy, you are capable. There is no need to beat yourself up for assumption that you have no right to be upset. It's ok to not be doing well in college. This won't mean that you will be an absolute failure in life. 

Additionally, I can't compare myself to another person, no matter how similar they may seem. There are some type of differences that I may not be aware of. And it isn't inherent. We are all consciousness and that is the only thing that is constant. Our personalities, our fears, our egos, our way of doing things is a product of our experiences and what was and wasn't validated with survival. There has to be some type of difference in the factors this person and I have and it isn't some type of moral or absolute failing on my end. Everyone is different and everyone has different obstacles meaning if something works for one person, it doesn't mean it will work for another. Not getting the same results, the same success as another is not a failing. It means you just need to do something different. And that is ok. 

Another things I notice is how much judgements can backfire in the future. I remember that in high school I would judge people who couldn't academically get their shit together. They weren't blatant judgements on their worth. For example, it was more like "____ class is so easy, there is no reason as to why someone would have issues" or "you would have to be an idiot to make a mistake on ____." All of that is now being pointed towards me. It is true. What we judge about other is also what we judge in ourselves. This whole thing taught me to be humble because treating others well translates to treating yourself well and vice versa.  

Edited October 11, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Downward Spiral TW: Suicide 

Lately I have been struggling with suicidal ideation. I am constantly in a state where I don't feel stable or safe and sometimes I wonder if life is still worth living if this is my default. I don't have anyone to talk to which is why my entries are always as long as they are. I don't have anyone to share what I'm going through. It's always been one thing after another. Every time I get to a point where I can live my best life, something else hits me and completely blind sides me. Maybe this is the myopia of negativity. It's like that one Uncle Iroh quote that goes along the lines of "If you look for the light you will eventually find it but if you look for the dark, that's all you'll ever see." 

Academically, I understand everything that is going on in my classes. But when I sit down to actually do my work, I am completely lost. Idk what's happening to me. I can't help but feel that there is something wrong with my brain. After analyzing this, I think this is a case where the map is not the territory. I understand the theory and how it's supposed to play out but I fail at the implementation. You can't learn math by watching people doing math I guess.

Another thing that is important to take into consideration is that it's October. 5 years ago I had a suicide attempt very close to my birthday and ever since then I get into this somewhat depressed mood. I'm already not in the most stable circumstance because it is 2020, the world and everything around me is in a very volatile place, so adding depression and academic issues to the mix makes things 100x worse. On top of that I'm pretty sure that there are some hormonal things going on. I haven't had my period in 3 months. I don't know what that's about but I wouldn't be surprised if it had a great impact on my mood inclinations. All of this is basically adding up to me wanting actually jump off a bridge because I feel super hopeless about life. 

I just want to return to the state of joy that I was in when I first started this journal. 

Edited October 11, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Coming Back Up

I felt myself hit a low and I reached out to a friend. We talked for a solid 3 hours and I felt much better. This week has been going smoother because of it. I feel more centered and less biased towards negativity. I still feel this sense of heaviness inside myself but I think I'm ok. I know that a lot of that heaviness comes from a place of losing my sense of stability. I decided to post a question about it in the forum along with details regarding me trying to build more discipline as well as the shadow work I'm doing, specifically when it comes to how I like to identify with being smart because it makes me feel safe. 

That's what I really like about this forum. People are in a similar direction as me, even if our paths may differ. In the last couple months, I have found the advice here to be pretty helpful and I found them to help me expand my perspective by a ton.  Here are some other threads that I started and  found myself learning a lot from:

 

Edited October 15, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The Hypocrisy of Self-Hatred 

Ok I'm going to expose myself real quick. Actually, I take that back. I'm going to expose the ugly voice in my head that isn't actually me rather it is the external messages I got conditioned with over the years.. I refuse to personally identify with it. I have internalized racism, elitism, fatphobia, misogyny and more. Sure I try to be informed about different issues, try to be aware of biases, both of my own and of the people around me, and I make sure that I don't project that type of treatment on to other people. BUT, I treat myself according to different standards.

I am a giant hypocrite. Normally, we think hypocrisy as applying gentler standards for ourselves and being harsher with other people. I'd argue that you can do the opposite where you treat other people gently and treat yourself harshly. That is also hypocrisy because hypocrisy entails using a different set of standards for yourself compared to other people, regardless of which way it goes.

The way I judge myself is unacceptable. It's often rooted in the bs that I was raised with or the bs that I was raised around. I wouldn't judge other people like that and treat them badly because I'm not an asshole, but nevertheless I judge myself that way. Hmm that doesn't make sense. Sounds like hypocrisy to me. And for me at least, sometimes recognizing that hypocrisy and that inconsistency makes me want to change it so that it's more consistent with what I actually think. In turn changing that inconsistency means that I have to change the horrible things i think of myself which in turn helps me be more loving to myself. It's important to be critical of the terrible things that are inside of us in the same way we are critical of the terrible people outside of us do.

Simply put, if you wouldn't treat another person or someone you care about in that way without thinking that its demeaning, you best not be treating yourself like that.

So here's to bullying the fugly voice in my head that tells me that I'm trash. Self hatred, beating yourself up for stuff, and treating yourself badly? Yeah, we don't do that here. I also made memes from Mean Girls to cope and illustrate what I'm going through lmao. 

Also, this whole experience is making me realize how much I don't FULLY embody everything I have learned and that is a separate existential crisis on its own. 

Edited October 18, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Limitations/ Excesses of the Stages  (Green and Yellow) 

These are taken from Leo's Spiral Dynamics videos. I have put time stamps in which parts I'm noting down according to each corresponding video, meaning if there is a time stamp after a portion I noted in the stage green section, I'm referring to the time in the stage green video. Underneath each portion is how I am dealing with it and how I have dealt with it in my own life.  Each bolded portion is the thing that I'm currently working on right now. 

Green (1:17:00 - 1:50:00) 

 

• Green can lie to avoid hurting people's feelings instead of working on yourself (1:49:55)
• Can eliminate boundaries too much (no borders etc.) (1:45:34)
• Empathy can be exploited and manipulate and therefore become a door mat (1:45:12)
• Can be too trusting of red and can't help everyone (1:42:38)
• Not being able to distinguish between feminine and masculine compassion (1:30:15)

I have dealt with these things by understanding the importance of boundary setting to protect your own needs and interests. I have also addressed a lot of codependency issues in my relationships and started validating my own needs 

• Can romanticize stage purple too much (1:43:20) 
• Too stuck in it's perspective of equality (1:41:33)
• Can deny differences too much (1:39:40)
• Sometimes Green wants to flatten hierarchies too much (1:27:37)
• Green can fall into the false equivalency trap (1:25:00)

I have dealt with a lot of these problems by studying spiral dynamics in depth and through studying different cultures through a self development lens. 

• Can be too entitled. The reason why a lot of people are green is because of the circumstances they grew up with (1:38:30)
• Naïve pacifism. Sometimes green loves peace and love so much they can't accept the harshness of the world (1:26:54)
• Green doesn't appreciate the necessity of the lower stages. (1:21:41) You need to meet the people where they're at not where you're at which is difficult for an idealistic person to do (1:24:25)

I have also dealt with this set of issues by understanding spiral dynamics more. In addition to that I have tried to look into different cultures and people who may embody the earlier stages to evaluate how earlier coping mechanisms aid in survival. I have also done a version of this in my own self development journey to see how the earlier stages in the Cook Greuter model built upon where I am today. Sometimes a coping mechanism looks very dysfunctional and messed up from a higher perspective but when you're in that moment, that same coping mechanism feels necessary or something that is easier to fall into because of a lack of prior infrastructure. 

• Naïve pacifism. Sometimes green loves peace and love so much they can't accept the harshness of the world (1:26:54)

While I have dealt with this particular thing in the previous paragraph, I still find myself with issues regarding fully transcending this. I'm much better at dealing with this than a couple years ago but I will say that the issues in society still does pull at my heart strings and it does hurt. 

• Caring too much can lead to burn out (1:32:27)
• Can be overzealous when it comes to social causes (1:32:53)
• Green can be reactionary (1:35:45) 
• Green can get to easily offended and sensitive. People won't always play to your sensitivities and the world can be brutal. (1:17:23)

Again, learning about spiral dynamics helped immensely. I also learned to set boundaries in regards to how much I'm going to care about social issues. I still have my views but I do limit the amount of news I intake to avoid stressing myself out. That isn't selfish because of an unwillingness to care. If anything, I think it can be constructive because not stressing yourself out can help you choose your own battles, be more efficient, and actually come up with solutions to help the situation. 

• Green can be bad with finances, over regulate, and over tax (1:45:24) 
• Can stifle independence and entrepreneurial spirt (1:36:00)
• Green can fail to appreciate the complexity of the economy (1:24:26)
• Green tends to demonize materialism (1:20:20)

Majoring in business helped me realize that corporations aren't these all powerful, terrible entities that are trying to screw over everyone else. Nevertheless I do think that there needs to be regulations so that businesses don't get so self interested and in turn screw everyone over. My point is that there is more nuance than that. Also by studying economics, sociology, and international relations, I learned how simply throwing away capitalism won't solve our problems and instead we need to integrate and transcend capitalism by embracing it but also putting limits on to it. Previously I had this attitude of "fuck the billionaires" and "eat the rich" etc. For that, talking things out on this forum helped me as well particularly in this specific thread. 

• Green guilt: failure to live up to equality and justice for all. This is a problem because guilt is not a good place to come up with solutions so it's best to release the guilt (1:35:59)
• Green doesn't appreciate the necessity of the lower stages. (1:21:41) You need to meet the people where they're at not where you're at which is difficult for an idealistic person to do (1:24:25)

I dealt with this when I began understanding that there aren't bad people rather there is a bad system that incentivized bad behavior. I also began taking note of my own hypocrisy to dismantle how I feel holier than thou towards conservatives and how I feel guilty for not fully living up to ideals such as "there is no ethical consumption under capitalism." This understanding of bad systems instead of bad people helped me get over demonizing the lower stages as well. It goes to the yellow idea that mankind's problems isn't anyone's fault rather it is how we are moving in our path to development. 

• Green can be too idealistic and full of heart. It lacks the ability to act out on a plan because of a lack of strategy. Sharing feelings and creating a dialog doesn't solve the problem (1:17:58).

I had a sociology professor that taught about the sociology of social movements and she really drilled in the notion of how "raising awareness" isn't going to change the system and solve problems. I think she is right in a certain extent but I also believe creating a dialog can set the foundation for coming up with solutions because if you have enough people aware about a situation they will vote in a certain way which will make enacting solutions more efficient (awareness alone is curative). But yeah, creating dialog and sharing feelings alone isn't the end all be all to all of our problems that's for sure. Her class discussed this in a very in depth way and really helped me break free from this paradigm. 

• Group think and mob mentality. Green can be ideological (1:18:48) 

I went to a seminar in my college where there was a conservative speaker talking about the mob mentality and the identity politics of liberals. It was eye opening and throughout that entire seminar, I began think of how Leo talks about how in debates each side points out the self deception in the other without recognizing that same self deception in themselves. Funny enough, this argument was intended to make people move towards being conservative but I think it made me a leftist in the sense of instead of being bogged down in issues such as representation and political correctness I just want to change the system as a whole so the later two will be fixed as a by product. 

• Can be too entitled. The reason why a lot of people are green is because of the circumstances they grew up with (1:38:30)

A lot of these things regarding addressing the issues with green have come from me educating myself more and me going to college. That's something that is incredibly important to take into consideration. 

• Can love to talk about spirituality but be unable to embody it (1:37:02)

I think this is something I am dealing with right now. I think it becomes much more of a problem when it comes to shifting to yellow which I will talk about in the next section with yellow. 

 

Yellow (1:38:00- 1:45:00)

Yellow is still stuck in duality. There is no possibility for deep mysticism because yellow is too stuck in the thinking mind. As a result they can fall into the trap of confusing the map for the territory (1:38:27)

I think I need to maybe experiment with psychedelics once I take care of my other issues. Also I have been trying to be more mindful of different areas of my life where I confuse the map for the territory. Recently I wrote out all of the classes I need to take and I looked at it and I was like "wow this won't be too hard, I just need to do x,y,and z" but I know that in the moment when I'm actually going to be in those classes, I'm likely going to be stressed out. I think this can be dealt with the whole concept of how awareness alone is curative.   

Yellow is not ready to escape the mind. They aren't ready to do that yet because they are still so fascinated with different models  and concepts. Basically they can be unwilling to transcend models and concepts (1:38:56)

Yeah that's right, I'm not ready to transcend the mind just yet. I acknowledge this but I also know that I need to pass through yellow until this becomes a limitation. In order to transcend yellow, I need to embody it first. While this is something that I have short comings in, I do realize that now is probably not the best time to deal with it. That's why I have italicized it instead of bolding it. 

Can get bogged down in complex analysis (1:39:53). Can develop an intellectual hubris of arrogance (1:39:58)

I addressed some of this in my post "Conscious Unconsciousness" where I discuss my reasoning for integrating my inner basic bitch. I also think this  form of  the "i'M NOt LiKE oTheR giRls" attitude as it relates of consciousness can be detrimental because there is arrogance and ego involved. However, I'm still in the process of integrating all of this. I decided to copy and paste that specific portion of that post because I don't want to water it down:

Quote

Avoiding Hyper Analysis: This is something that I have been thinking of in my journey to integrate my basicness especially with clothes. I tend to be very minimalistic with my wardrobe. I have a color palette that I have selected out that matches each other and looks good on me. I have certain styles of clothing that I look out for because I know it will flatter me. I know how to choose clothes according to my life style. I also consider my values regarding fast fashion etc. I'm not the type of person that falls prey to a lot of unnecessary consumption because I am very intentional with my choices which in turn points me towards more consciousness in my decision making. But as I have tried to incorporate more of my basicness, I have tried to let go of some of this intentionality.  I'm trying to be more in tuned with what is cute and fun rather than what is efficient for instance. For me that is bold patterns and colors. Granted that I have already integrated intentional spending previously, it's unlikely that I'm going to get sucked into stage orange toxic consumerism. I'm trying not to overthink it and just go with the flow, just let myself be. Not everything has to be super deep and filled with meaning, it can just be and it's ok to appreciate it for just that. Because when you put too much intent and try to be conscious, you're still in the state of doing rather than in the state of being. And sometimes just letting yourself be, whatever your level of consciousness/ unconsciousness is, is the a conscious way of being unconscious. Letting myself be "basic" has become a way to let myself be a little looser and simply enjoy myself with my journey towards greater awareness. Not everything has to revolve around consciousness work. 

Can invent futuristic solutions that aren't pragmatic. Looks good on paper but can't actualize  (1:40:18). Can't finish something because they have so many ideas and visions (1:40:34) 

I need to really commit to a life purpose and address my ADHD. That's a whole thing on it's own that I plan to work through once I get out of this depressing/ self loathing slump. 

Yellow tends to be a cold individualist and a loner which becomes a problem when it comes to actualizing something because they need a team to implement a vision. They become isolated and feel lonely and disconnected (1:41:10). Yellow has a difficulty in building a community/ becoming emotionally distant and forget to connect with people because they are too focused on models (1:41:29)

I have become rather disconnected with other people during my college career where I have essentially immersed myself in models. I am meaning to address that when the pandemic is up and I have more opportunities to socialize. I think this sense of disconnection and loneliness is also causing me to question whether or not self actualization is even worth it since I don't have the best foundation in relationships and external signifiers of success. I think this thread explains that pretty well: 

All this understanding will not lead to happiness because happiness isn't found in the mind (1:42:19)

I feel called out and I'm not sure how to handle this at this moment. But I am recognizing the problem more and more because of the way I'm frequently immersed in learning

Lack of embodiment of the things they learn. This can be a problem in actualize the vision because you lack the selflessness/ discipline/ socialization skills to implement your solutions. This freaks out yellow because it means that they can't rely on their concepts to do everything for them (1:42:56). 

I think a lot of the problems I'm having with depression is coming from a lack of embodiment of the teaching I have absorbed previously. The only way out of this is through truly embodying what I have learned. Also the whole concept of yellow freaking out because they can't rely on concepts I feel draws a parallel on how I can't rely on being smart alone to evade life issues. That parallel makes me feel called out. 

[soos_mite_ah]

I'm in this video and I don't like it

(no but actually, this explains a lot of my anxiety pretty well) 

Edited October 20, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

Productivity as a Part of Trauma 

Normally the observation I have made is that the more trauma I release and the more I work on my mental health, the more productive I become. However, I'm also thinking of the possibility of it being the other way around where I have trauma related to productivity. 

I have touched on this before in my "Smart=Safety"  post where I discuss how I avoided doing certain tasks because I associated it with being unsafe. I also touched on the concept of undisciplined discipline. I always saw trauma as something that prevented me from working hard but now I'm also trying to see how trauma was created from working hard 

So basically:

trauma-> not working hard        vs.       working hard -> trauma 

I have talked a lot of the first scenario but in this post I'll be talking about the second. Here are some contributing factors to the second category.

1. Late capitalism: Yesterday I went on about a whole thing internally of being a souless cog in the machine. I also have trauma related to being put in a competitive environment  growing up and I began equating my sense of self with how much I could produce, well in this case how much work I could do. I realized that this was toxic and I swung waaay too far in the other direction.

I also find myself being hopeless about the future. It appears as if late capitalism has made us all into drones. There are the middle class to poor people struggling to make ends meet and have fulfilling lives because in order to support themselves they need to dedicate their lives to work.  I've also been exposed to rich people who pursue status even if they are well to do and have the choice to pursue a life purpose because they have been fed the notion of "you are what you own, you are what you make, and you are you're job position." Apart from chasing materialism a lot of these people also make themselves work crazy long hours in jobs they don't like and then that leads to the manifestation of dysfunction elsewhere in their lives. Its similar to seeing how the patriarchy is destructive towards men. Sure men get the better end of the stick just like the rich get the better end of capitalism but both parties are still psychologically affected and hurt from the system that benefits them at face value. 

Sometimes I also fantasize about being a housewife and remove myself from this situation all together. However, I know how that story ends and how that puts a strain on a relationship because of added obligations. It simply isn't sustainable. Even my escapist fantasy doesn't check out.

It feels like there is no escape. I want to be in a place where I can be free both from the worries of how I'm going to support myself but also free to be creative and do what I want. Which leads me to the fourth scenario, being self employed and pursuing a life purpose. That is also something that seems scary to me. 

2. Being afraid of hard work 

There is a part of me that is ashamed of being afraid of hard work. After all society always says things about glorifying working yourself to the bone. There was a period of time where I did work myself to the bone and I got the consequences from that. I was terribly burnt out and my mind just checked out one day.  This went on from February 2019 all the way to about June 2019. I did learn a lot about myself and I learned to stop defining myself according to what I produce. But that period was also traumatic now that I think about it. It's like I want to coddle myself to avoid ever ending up like that again. Also my grades tanked during this time and I still have nightmares regarding that to this day. 

I also see hard work as pure resistance. I know that isn't true if I actually think about it. For instance, when I'm doing something I care about such as journaling, I can write a long post and not get tired afterwards. It aligns with what I genuinely want to do, therefore removing resistance. I can watch a lot of videos on personal development in one sitting with my absolute attention and not get tired. If anything it refreshes me. What is considered work and play are relative terms. I'm sure there are people who have tried to journal like this and have tried to dedicate themselves to self development but they find it exhausting work instead. 

There is also this quote that I'm trying to take into consideration which is something along the lines of "you're going to suffer regardless so you need to find what is worth suffering for." This quote is about finding a higher sense of purpose that makes the resistance worth it. While I am willing to agree with that, I would also add the notion of finding what kind of suffering feels like your bliss. 

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I guess both of these ultimately comes down to appreciating orange instead of only focusing on it's negatives and combining it with healthy green ideals of connection and gentleness to soften the discipline so that it doesn't become undisciplined discipline. 

[soos_mite_ah]

 

I think this video presents a good higher consciousness way of being disciplined. Basically if you have issues doing something, don't force yourself to do it rather address the resistance that is making you not want to do it. Once you clear that, you can easily do what you want to do instead of forcing yourself. 

Edited October 22, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

The Brilliance of My Self Deception

So... remember when I said that smart won't make me immune to self deception and if anything it means that my self deception will be more sophisticated......?

I know I have the tendency to prioritize self care over working hard on something. I noticed that whenever I have homework or something that I don't want to do, my mind does this thing that makes me sleepy on the spot because it knows that when I feel sleepy I will prioritize self care over doing the task at hand. I wont do the thing that I need to do meaning my anxiety has successfully helped me avoid facing up to my procrastination. 

Another sneaky way that my mind has used self deception on me is by weaponizing peace and meditation. Sometimes I feel this rush of peace and relief whenever I let go of something I need to do. However, this isnt actual peace, its avoidance. That avoidance gives me a sense of safety which makes me feel the illusion of peacefulness. Similarly, I also use meditation as a way to avoid issues. Instead of doing what I'm supposed to do, I put in an extra meditation session so I sit around, do nothing, and convince myself I'm making progress. I know this whole meditation as avoidance may seem unusual because meditation as a habit seems so healthy, but something like this is possible. It's similar to how some people get addicted to exercise even though exercise is generally very good for you. 

In other words, the devil co-opted self care, state of peace, and meditation and made them tools of self deception. Why? Because these are the three things that I'm least likely to assume are forms of self deception. 

My ego is so smart and sneaky. I can't even be shocked or mad. That was so clever. Absolutely brilliant. Beautiful. 

Edited October 22, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

7 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

The Brilliance of My Self Deception

In other words, the devil co-opted self care, state of peace, and meditation and made them tools of self deception. Why? Because these are the three things that I'm least likely to assume are forms of self deception. 

My ego is so smart and sneaky. I can't even be shocked or mad. That was so clever. Absolutely brilliant. Beautiful. 

I think that this realization has been one of the most important realizations for me dealing with my procrastination and anxiety. I immediately feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and I feel myself going into flow more. 

I feel that this realization threatens my identity as someone who is dedicated to self actualization and awareness more than the other evaluations I had. It threatens me to the extent I want to change my identity as a procrastinator and an anxiety ridden person. As Leo's videos on fear says in order to get rid of fear you need to change your identity. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Self Development as a Part of My Self-Esteem 

I have talked about this in a different post about how one of the toxic reasons why I got into self improvement was because of this notion that there was something wrong with me an how in order to be loved I need to be developed. Going through this ego backlash made me realize how the thought of backsliding does threaten my sense of self worth. And then this causes me to backslide even more. But recognizing an ego backlash as an ego backlash doesn't address the fallacy that self development does not make a person more worthy. The reason why seeing an ego backlash as something that will cause me to make progress in self development and grow me even more makes me feel better is because that essentially says "don't worry, this isn't threatening your ego, it will build it up even more, just be patient." 

I don't know if this post is making sense because I don't think I'm articulating it well but saying something is a part of your growth when you are back sliding when you base your worth on moving forward just reinforces things in a way. 

Also this type of thinking can lead to looking down on others who are not as far along in their self actualizing journey or who are struggling with life in general. It could lead to a superiority (look at me I'm so developed) and inferiority complex (I'm such a bad person for not being as conscious as I could have) as well. 

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This is a tangent but yesterday I saw a picture of a guy I liked some time ago. I don't have feelings for him anymore but everytime I see him I ask myself wtf I'm doing with my life? I feel behind in life, like I'm not going enough, like I'm back to my 17 year old self again. It's almost as all of my work went out the window and I'm brought back to an earlier age. Then I told myself this. "You are doing a lot and you have made a lot of progress. But even if you didn't and you stagnated, why would that be a bad thing? Your worth isn't dependent on how much you have grown. You are and always will be worthy no matter what state your consciousness, your mood, or your life circumstance is in." That alleviated some of the emotions and it wasn't as piercing or intense as it once was. But in a way I still felt like I was 17 again. 

I think a part of myself wants to be 17 again because of how I feel dissatisfied with my life right now. I'm jealous of 17 year old me. Right now I'm not making good grades. Right now I don't have a solid group of friends. I had those things back then and because of that I felt confident and self assured about the future. I felt like I was going somewhere in life. In that way I felt safe (see smart= safety).

But then again, I think 17 year old me would also be jealous of me as well. I have grown a lot as a person and I have removed a lot of my blockages that were bringing me down. It isn't a worth thing rather I guess in some ways 17 year old me would look at me right now and think, damn she feels more in alignment. As I write this out I just got a thought. We don't chase objects or status symbols, we chase feelings and state of being. The objects we chase are the forms we believe these feelings take. 

Because I feel 17 again, part of me feels as if it regressed back to orange to where I'm putting my happiness in my ability to be successful and have friends. I know this isn't true but I guess there is part of me deep down inside that thinks this.  It's important to note down that we regress when there is something in a prior developmental stage that is unresolved. I think I remember mentioning somewhere that part of me also pursued self development, not for self development's sake but to gain material success. So now, because I'm not getting this success just yet, part of me is frustrated and is questioning if I'm even growing at all. 

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I know that I have posted these videos earlier in my journal but I think it's worth reposting and reiterating. 

 

Edited October 24, 2020 by soos_mite_ah

[soos_mite_ah]

This just made my day. It really cracked me up lmao 

[soos_mite_ah]

I think this is a really good livestream to see how politics evolves through the spiral. Natalie and Vaush both talked about the moralizing of the left and how that limits the lefist movement and how there are parallels with stage blue evangelicals. I honestly think it's better to watch the livestream because they are articulating it much better than I can. The whole thing is gold but the portion between 1:20:00 to 1:45:00 is especially insightful. I also noted down some key takeaways that I thought was important. 

They also start talking about how the left unlike the evangelicals idealize revolution rather than actually believe in it and the left isnt willing to vote for their candidates because they want to maintain the aesthetic of being moral over voting for the lesser of two evils unlike the radical right who are willing to go along with their candidates because of their interests. This discrepancy is something that they didn't know how to address but I think it comes down to consciousness and spiral development when it comes to green vs blue extremism. Blue extremists are willing to blindly follow and idealize their leaders and see them as some type of god while green extremists have a desire to stick to their values no matter what even if it is at risk of their own interests systemically. I really with there was more discussion on consciousness when it comes to politics. It would explain sooooo many things. 

Also earlier in the live stream they discuss on how fascism is self destructive. I think from the spiral perspective it makes sense because facism takes red/blue to its pinnacle to where you HAVE to move forward because the stage collapses on itself.  They also discuss how racism is the biggest issue / road block to progress as opposed to capitalism and that we have to deal with that first before moving on. In other words, fully deal with blue problems before orange problems. Finally in the live stream they talk about how democratic socialism (green governance) isn't the end of history and human evolution but it is necessary to get to that stage first before we start critiquing it and coming up with new models that essentially transcend it. 

[soos_mite_ah]

Reasons Why I Procrastinate

So I'm basically going to have a bullet pointed list of why I procrastinate on school work that summarizes some of the key takeaways from my previous posts. This is basically a TLDR for myself because sometimes it's easier to integrate something if it is simply laid out there. 

• The notion of smart=safe and anything that challenges that notion makes me feel unstable
• Feelings around late capitalism 
• coming of age anxiety 
• The trauma I have experienced regarding hard work when it comes to burn out
• Learned Helplessness
• Being pushed too hard as a kid (undisciplined discipline) 
• Associating the pain I felt from the abuse with school 
• Using meditation and spirituality as avoidance of the now 

The problem with all of this is that I intellectually understand the mechanisms of each item on this list but I'm still failing to emotionally grow and fully integrate those lessons. 

Edited October 26, 2020 by soos_mite_ah