Torn apart between music and sports

[Bogdan]

I have this predicament of what domain of mastery to choose. Music is one of the few things that can gather tens of thousands of people together and make them all agree on one thing, and in my numerous darkest of times, the only, and i mean only thing that i had the energy/willingness to do was to pick up my guitar and play/sing something. I studied guitar in high-school and went to the music conservatory in Bucharest, but dropped out in my second because i didn't want to play classical music, i wanted to play bass, so that's what i did.

BUT

Then i started researching spirituality, psychedelics and sports, and when i look into the world, i see people that need to learn the basic maintenance of the body, how to take care of their spine and joints so that they're not achy all the time; i see people that suffer from digestive issues, just like me, and need guidance to take the proper fucking tests, not try to solve it by trying some fad diet, not to mention understanding the Self and stuff like that! Besides that, i see all the pollution in the oceans and in the air and shit, and i keep thinking what if music is becoming a distraction? Should i join an ocean-cleaning group and spend all my time cleaning up the environment? Should i continue on the path of becoming the best Holistic Health Practitioner that i can be? Or maybe i should drop all these "worldly" things and "shoulds" and work on joining an ashram and live permanently there in the beautiful nature, RADIATING and raising/strengthening the Planetary energy vortex  ? And you know what? I'm only half-joking about the last one... i'm trying to see that every perspective is partial and being open to everything is SUCH a mindfuck!

... I enjoy both music and sports so much, but even after taking Leo's LP course a couple years back, i still struggle to chose one of them as my domain of mastery. It all started with music, and i feel like i stopped half way through. But now, i'm almost half way through with getting good as an athlete and as a trainer, and i feel like moving to another country for the first time is real close, and i want to know WHY am i moving. So how do i go about tackling this problem?

The thing is, i notice some limiting beliefs around both of them, like for example in music i always hated sight reading, which is SO fundamental, and sure i can force my self to do it and stuff, and probably it will be easier than i imagine (i know how to read scores, i just never practiced enough to be good at it),  and regarding sports, being sedentary as a child, i kinda missed the opportunity of exercising while the body was still developing, so that is sort of a big limitation in my mind, but i don't want to become some world class athlete, i resonate more with balancing just the right amount of fitness in my life in order to do anything for hours on end and not have ANY aches whatsoever in my body - because i feel like this is much more relevant for at least 80% of the population, not this bullshit "go hard or go home" mentality that you see in gyms these days...anyways, I will continue to train my body and research movement/health, AND play music regardless. I'm passionate about both of them. i think movement it's such a basic human need, it's like car maintenance. And music is my favorite way of expression and creativity. 

-But again, how do i choose one as a main theme in my life, a domain of mastery?

-OR am i looking in the wrong direction? Maybe neither one is the answer, and my true purpose is just out of sight.

-What am i missing in the way i think?

-Should i base my financial independence on one of them while dedicating the rest of my waking hours to the other? 

-Am i just scared of hard work?

-Or maybe i have more basic needs that are unmet, and i should focus on getting out of Romania and getting good with girls for a couple of years... Ok, i'm gonna definitely do that anyway  but still, for the last 4-5 years i have been exploring all this stuff on my own, and i guess i've come to a point where i feel like reaching out, admitting that i can't do everything on my own and asking for help. i'm tired of pretending that i'm so selfless that i don't need anything. I'm young, immature, tired, sad, angry, lonely and scared! I have so much to learn! Yes, i am God/Love. I am eternal/eternity and ultimately, i have nothing to fear (except for myself, lol). I try to live that Truth as much as possible, like i said. But right now i am imagining THIS human puzzle that is constantly trying to convince me that it's "solved", in order to trick me into stopping, and goddammit it's so tricky, because it is Perfect and there is nothing to solve, and it's an illusion but that's just a perspective, that can easily be turned into a deception and into spiritual ego and HOLY SHIT it's so amazing and fun and awesome and scary and everything and ok i'm ranting now, i'm gonna stop.

-How does this sound as a plan: Move to the Netherlands, go to music school, work as a personal trainer for money, there i can grow my own shrooms to microdose and trip regularly, have all the solitude and quietness i need, go out and talk to dozens of girls every week, and do that for 4-5 years and then move to another country, maybe the US or Canada or something like that? Won't i burn out like that? maybe i should drop the music school thing and by doing so i'm freeing up more hours for meditation and talking with girls and making my own music, maybe i'm limiting myself by thinking that i NEED to go to music school, and i just have to get some balls and do my thing and have faith in myself. SO MANY THINGS SO CONSIDER!!! But i'm gonna leave it at that. 

i am eager to read your responses!  

[Guest SirVladimir]

Follow your bliss.

I'm repeating myself for the third time already, and I plan on doing so should a new thread require it, when I say -- let it be natural. Whatever purpose you are seeking you already are. It's not a purpose of some future you, of someone else. It's buried within you. Right now. At this moment. Otherwise you wouldn't be looking for it. It's right in your face.

1 hour ago, Bogdan said:

when i look into the world, i see people that need to learn the basic maintenance of the body

I say fuck that unless it's an intrinsic calling. You gotta sit down and be brutally authentic whether being of service to others is your top value. Don't mistake it for not sharing your gifts with the world. I had a period when I ached to become a mentor. In a way, I still do that through art; through imagination and metaphors, but I'm talking about the more direct version of teaching or coaching.

Now, listen carefully.

All I saw was ignorance in the world - everyone around me was ignorant - and therefore I wanted to "teach them a lesson." Be the wise guy. Be known for knowing. Would it really be authentic for me to become a teacher like Leo? No, it would be destructive and egoistic. After some awakenings, I realized 99,99% of people wouldn't get to the highest wisdom anyway and I never saw a point in teaching them directly again. Leo teaches because it is his inner calling, yet he knows there was never a point. I couldn't. Because my motives were to have people thank me and kiss my feet. Since then, my purpose is more hermitish. I admire what a real teacher has to endure. I really do. It's s noble cause. Your students will nod on everything you say, and yet 99,99% will remain miserable and blind. Look at Leo's most recent video's comment section. You could literally be as direct as possible with words, and yet there is hardly any way around this. That's why your purpose requires extreme authenticity. Only you can figure out whether it suits you. Remember the first paragraph. 

Edited July 19, 2020 by SirVladimir

[Bogdan]

@SirVladimir Thank you. Reading your words i felt the Place where you were writing from.

Namaste, brother!