Rejection

[Chumbimba]

As I try to put myself out there. I find myself getting rejected a lot. I have no idea what I am doing wrong. What is wrong with me ? What do I need to change. It feels like there is something inherently wrong with me.

 

i feel super ugly about myself and I always feel like that when I get rejected. I hate when people look at me. I always feel like people and women are judging my looks. I feel like my looks are the root cause of all my problems. I might get plastic surgery. 

my 17 year old brother gets more women than me. I am embarrassed and wounded

 

[Roy]

Re-frame so you think of rejection as a simple mismatch, rather than a result of "deficiencies".

So if something doesn't work out you don't automatically have a negative connotation and emotion about it. Instead you just accept it and think, "Ok, it just wasn't meant to happen."

 

[Farnaby]

Hey!

When I read your post, what comes to my mind is that your insecurity around your physical looks is always present but gets kind of "confirmed" or strongly triggered whenever you get rejected. 

First of all, let me tell you that I consider it very brave to keep putting yourself out there despite this insecurity. A lot of people let that fear control them and avoid approaching people. 

It's completely normal that you think other people are judging you, because you judge yourself a lot. In psychology this is called projection. We are often convinced that people are judging us in the same way we're judging ourselves when that most often isn't the case. However, I know that no matter how much we tell you that these people are probably not judging you, an important part of you isn't going to believe it. 

And it's precisely this part of yourself that you need to get to know better, especially on an emotional level. Practice sitting with the feelings and thoughts about yourself that get triggered when you feel rejected. Don't try to change them or do anything about them, just be with this part of you. 

I don't know you, but my guess is that some time in your life you have incorporated this belief that something's wrong with you. This can be due to someone explicitly telling you that you're not OK or because of subtler experiences (such as a look of disapproval from an important person in your life, for instance). 

The key is to understand that when we're children we can't reason like when we're adults. So let's say that our parents have a bad day or have their own insecurities, etc., and they treat us "badly" because of what's going on inside of them, we directly assume that there's something wrong about us. We can't see the bigger picture like when our brain is more developed. 

I strongly reccomend you to find a therapist you can talk to about all this stuff, as well as start meditating. Also, look into reparenting techniques, which help you get to know that wounded inner child so you can start to heal it. 

Good luck!