200mg MDMA Trip Report: The Healing, Love and Enlightenment

[Ar_Senses]

This night for the first time in my life I tried MDMA and here I want to share my experience with you in order to express it in the text and to share cool and, possibly, useful insights. Let's Go!

Setting:

• Camping with my best friend in a rocky forest overlooking a beautiful lake

Set:

• The desire to feel Love, personally test the effect of MDMA, understand how MDMA allows people to heal from PTSD and injuries, reflect on how I can be a better partner, understand the reason for my worries last month, find an additional reason for more motivation to work

Dosage:

• 200 mg (tablet)

Introduction:
My Life Purpose is deeply connected with the developing of mastery in self-development and mysticism - I enthusiastically look to the future, in which I see myself as an expert in consciousness, spirituality, developmental psychology and psychedelics. A couple of days ago I finished reading the wonderful and very useful manual created by the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) and planned to experience the effect of the substance on myself.

0-1 hr / Beginning:
No sensations, but closer to the 50th minute I began to feel the enveloping body and consciousness relaxing, as if something inside me began to thaw.

1-3 hr / Puzzle solved / Intimate Connection / Glimpse of Enlightenment:
The MDMA effect began to increase significantly, like a rapidly filling bath with warm water, it was felt very naturally, but at the same time unexpectedly quickly and at some point radically changed the state of my body and perception.

First of all, I noticed that the feeling of discomfort and mild pain in the area of the heart ceased to bother me. I usually experience this feeling during periods of stress (business, financial issues, social obligations), during or after an argument with a girlfriend, when closedminded or when someone offends me, hurts me. The best association that can describe this feeling is as if you had one puzzle missing in your chest that asks to be put in place and you feel that if I just put this puzzle where I need it, I’ll finally feel whole.

I felt amazing ease and freedom to talk about all my feelings and experiences with my friend, not embarrassed or even thinking that I might seem like some kind of stupid, miserable, petty, etc.

First of all, I experienced deep admiration for how radically my condition changed an hour after taking it. I watched reports, documentaries, saw positive statistics of people who were healed from PTSD, but now I could FEEL it personally and saw a great potential that this substance and this work are having and how benefitial it can be for society. I was inspired and said out loud to my friend:

Quote

"I'm in shock! Wow! Oh My God! Can you imagine what that means?!"

This sufficiently filled me with motivation and confidence that I'm on the right track, saturating my vision not with assumptions, but with personal experiences and vivid images about what a positive contribution this work can make.

Then something completely amazing happened:
My friend and I, of course, became sympathetic and began to express our love, respect and admiration for each other. We've hugged each other tightly and sat down to watch the sunset. At that moment, my friend wanted to read to me a letter that he had recently written:

Quote

I was looking for you to give love, warmth and affection.

I was looking for when the grayness of days envelops all life, plunging into the cold of winter.

I fell in love with you at first sight. I hid you under my jacket and protected you.

The child gave me to you, who fell in love with you as soon as you were born. He entrusted you to me, entrusted his love. Naive and clean as a tear.

Six long years passed, we saw a lot of people with you, hundreds of problems and events passed. We were on the edge, cursing, offended and fighting.

Now you are part of me, and I am part of you.

I love you, Shakespeare (that's my friend's cat name).

 

I was moved, just think - a letter to the cat! It was so sincere and so real. We were amazed by the Love and all what was left for us was to enjoy the moment. My friend leaned his hands on my lap and we've watched the sunset.

At that moment, something very new was happening to me. I would even say otherwise: NOTHING happened to me - EVERYTHING happened without anybody. The words flowed by themselves, everything was there, but there was nobody with whom this would happen. For no reason, I began to say:

Quote

“Life is the MOST, MOST, MOST beautiful melody and everything that happens in it is part of this melody ...
(at that moment, a mosquito flied near us, making sounds characteristic of it, and I continued as spontaneously as before)
... and even this mosquito. "

At that moment, my friend abruptly jumped up and stared at me with hatched eyes and a shocked-enthusiastic sound of "WAAAAAAAA!" Apparently, at that moment he personally felt what these words were pointing to.

For a small moment, even while he was looking at “me,” all that “me” had was the presence, awareness of unity and the absence of any explanation for what was happening, but deep confidence that it was Real.

But pretty fast "me" returned back - I was glad and excited as if became conscious in a dream! Finally, at least for a second I felt IT. In a minute I've started discussing what happened with my friend, but he stopped me and said something like:

Quote

“Don't rush, be here and now. Something very cool has just happened to us and let's enjoy the moment. You’re always trying to "overtake” the moment, it looks like some kind of hunger or greed."

To which I replied to him: “Oh, it’s hard for me to be in the present moment, I spend more time in my head,” but my friend noticed that this was just an idea! And then it dawned on me: I created the identity of a person who thinking, learning and constantly studing something and became the hostage of that identity.

In the manual on the use of MDMA in psychotherapy, very much attention is paid to the feelings and sensations in the body. I started to looking after myself and noticed that my legs were shaking involuntarily, they were vibrating (this happens all the time when I'm tripping), and my eyes were running in different directions and could not concentrate on what was happening in front of me. I don’t know, maybe this is some kind of effect of a substance that I simply did not find out about, but at that moment it seemed to me that these were psychosomatic manifestations of my desire to escape from the present moment. Especially after what just happened: perhaps my ego was frightened by its own disappearance, even for a second.

I began to observe my feelings and sensations, and an insight occurred to me: I have been trying to escape from the present since childhood, because it's very often brought me pain, which I could not and did not know how to cope with.

Next, I immediately remembered how my mother and grandmother were often arguing  with each other, and I was confused by that - I loved both of them, but at the same time did not understand how I should be: if mom doesn’t love grandma, but I do love - does that mean that I'm a bad person?

Then I remembered how difficult it was for me to do the homework and my mother was angry at me, annoyed, and even called names. Intuitively i've decided that there is nothing to restrain and the best way is just to let everything go out (let your inner healing intelligence do the work, as they say in MAPS). I began to speak on behalf of my mother all those feelings and attitudes that, when I was a child, I thought she felt:

Quote

"I'm so tired! How can you being so stupid? See how annoyed I am? Do you think I want to be angry and annoyed? No, of course! This is YOU bringing me to this!"

After that, for some reason, the image of my close friend from childhood came to my mind, whom I envied and with whom we often swore, and I always felt weaker and worse. Once I stole the batteries from his CD-player and our friends and I started laughing at him and even mocking him. At some point he felt helpless and already with tears in his eyes grabbed his hands by my throat and demanded his batteries back. I was frightened of him and gave them away, but, to my surprise, I remembered that even when he was so helpless, I regretted being frightened of him and did not beat him for grabbing me by the throat. Last night, it seemed to me very important to admit to myself everything that was - without trying to hide under the carpet what is considered "unacceptable."

I tried to live through all these moments and express everything that I feel.

Apparently, for most of my childhood and adolescence, the only thing I had to do with reality was to avoid it. Avoid poverty, helplessness, anger of parents and teachers, dangers that were everywhere. I acquired this strategy and began to use it as the main one, even when I had already become strong enough not to run away from the present moment and feelings.

 

4-5 hr / The End:
The most important and significant has already happened, everything that happened afterwards is also beautiful, but it's no longer needs to be described. We became very close with my friend, thanks to this experience. We sat and enjoyed the dawn on the rocks, we enjoyed life, ourselves and felt deep gratitude for everything that happened to us.

Interestingly, after 4-5 hours, my mind completely got out of control and it started a kaleidoscope of gibberish ideas and images that so spontaneously and easily poured from one to another, just like cartoons all happen contrary to any laws. Just from thin air.

 

2 days later:

When I told my girlfriend about the trip, she asked me about how everything went for my friend. When I started talking about him, a sense of joy, sympathy and pride captured me and I began to cry. My friend was very pleased with what happened: he managed to overcome something very difficult in his life. According to him, this day was like a birthday for him.

3 days later:
During the trip to the store, I enjoyed listening to music, weather, riding a bike. I felt that I was pleasant and comfortable.
During this work, I had some very happy moments and breakthroughs.

4 days later:
I did not have any obvious changes and dramatic changes did not happen, but I get more pleasure from my work.

 

Conclusions:

• MDMA is a great tool for working with yourself, traumas, feelings, fears, anxiety, deepening intimacy, Love for yourself and everything around you, spiritual revelations and mystical experiences.
• I can no longer escape from the present moment. I am strong enough to accept Reality in all its diversity.
• It is difficult to be in the present moment if you condemn it, if it's contradicts your identity.
• This is a great way to get close to a person - a partner, friend, relative, etc.
• MDMA can be a very powerful tool in order to get yourself out of your usual state and refresh your vision, to understand how it can be different or even during a trip to resolve and live injuries that keep you in an unpleasant state.
• MDMA has a great potential for becoming an escape drug, especially for those who do not know anything about its therapeutic properties and how it should be used for self-development.

How does my behavior change due to what happened?

• I will practice mindfulness and acceptance to develop the ability to be here and now
• I will be a good partner - strong, real, grounded, I will listen carefully, will be more sensitive
• I will strive to ensure that in my life there is as much as possible a feeling of love for everything - I will continue to understand the structure of reality, people, society
• I will express my feelings more honestly and sincerely
• I will continue to strive to comprehend Absolute Love, God
• I will be freer from my old identity, come up with a new, broader and more functional
• I will be more restrained and relaxed - eat slowly, take my time, pay attention, concentrate

Question:

• It's hard enough for me to sell to myself the idea of why being in the present is cool. I kind of understand this, but at the same time I really love and am used to delving into my mind, concepts, etc.
• What is the value of just being? How one can appreciate it deeper?
• How can this be better understood and learned?

 

Thank you for reading!

Edited July 3, 2020 by Ar_Senses

[Peo]

MDMA is a nice tool for healing, love and other posstive stuff, but be carefull. MDMA is neurotoxic and can cause depression because of the lower inntake of serotonin nerve cells. I would recomend to take at least 3 month break from MDMA before taking it again. I think psychedelics are better tool and much safer.

I am not saying never take MDMA, but just be carefull with it.

[WaveInTheOcean]

Nice report, beautiful, thank you

Yes, MDMA potentially has some harmful physical effects (neurotoxicity) which regular psychedelics do not have. So keep it to max 4 rolls a year (min 3 months between rolls). Also 200mg is a high dose. Maps use 125 mg . Lower doses should mean leas risk for neurotoxicity